DH and new boss are making me crazy! (long!)

[mommy_someday]

Okay, so here's the problem. I started a new job three weeks ago and some of you may have seen my post in the lounge about when to tell the new boss about being pregnant. I asked a whole bunch of people about telling her upfront at the interviews and everyone said absolutely not. So I didn't. Well, during my second week there, one of the ladies (whom I used to work with at my old job and consequently knew that I was preggers) asked me if she wasn't supposed to tell anyone because she had let it slip to another coworker. So I of course freaked out (in private - not at my coworker) and started worrying that the boss would find out from someone other than me. So I decided that I had to tell her even though it was way earlier than I had planned. I had training the following day at an unfamiliar location (I work at a hospital) so when my boss was walking me to where the training would be, I broke the news to her. She was less than thrilled. Actually, she looked pretty mad. She said, "well, it's not the best news I've had all day. I guess, congratulations." But it was the most empty and forced congrats I've ever gotten in my whole life. Then the next day that I worked, she wouldn't even talk to me. She even cornered my coworker (who had recommended me for the job in the first place) about whether or not she had known. She denied it, which I'm glad about because I don't want her in trouble for a choice that I made.

Anyway, so last week on Thursday (my third week) my boss tells me that she needs to know whether or not I'm coming back after the baby and she needs to know by MONDAY (as in tomorrow)! Maybe I'm a little naive, but I'M not even sure what I'm doing! So I came home to talk to DH about what to say (since he was the first and most adamant one about not letting the boss know I was pg ahead of time). He said to tell her that I was definitely coming back. Well, I felt that was being dishonest since we had talked about me being a SAHM before I ever quit my other job. DH had been adamant about not wanting to put our kids in daycare because his best friend's little girl is sick every week with something she picked up at daycare. He has said this to me so often that I figured we would find a way to make it work. Well, back to the present, when I said that I didn't want to lie to my boss, he said that there was no way at the present that we could do without my paycheck. I felt like I had been slapped in the face, like he had taken something really important away from me. I got upset and said that I didn't want to talk to him about it right then (he was doing yardwork and I didn't want to have a fight in my backyard where neighbors could hear).

Well, I still haven't talked to him about it and I have to tell the boss something tomorrow. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!! And I want to figure the numbers to see if there will even be anything left of my paycheck after extra expenses from daycare, but I don't know where to start. Daycare costs, driving mileage and parking expenses from work are the obvious ones, but I know there are others I'm just not aware of. I'm really at my wits end with this one. Can anyone help?

If anyone made it this far, thank you for your patience. I haven't told anyone about this and had to get it out somewhere...Maybe I will have to think it over with a plate of Marissa's brownies...

TIA.

[stella]

She is not allowed to discriminate against you because you are pregnant. That means letting you go or failing to promote you or some other things. Does your boss have a boss? I ask that because someone may have to stop her if she tries to discriminate against you.

I would tell her that you plan on coming back. In fact, your current status with dh is that you are DEFINITELY coming back. So it's not a lie. And privately, this is none of her business, if you and dh decide that you should stay home, you know that you will do everything in your power not to leave her high and dry, so you have a while before she deserves to know anything.

So as far as she is concerned, just say that you are coming back.

As far as your dh is concerned, he is freaking out, as most men do at some point (or often, depending on the dh) at the idea of being solely responsible for all of you on his one income. He is terrified. Just like you are terrified at some level of being a mother - always on call and responsible to a child for the rest of your life! It is overwhelming. Just drop the SAHM subject for a while. I know it's the only thing on your mind, but if he has felt strongly about you being home in the past, then he will probably come around. Just give him his time to sort this out.

I am sorry that your boss is such a cold b----. Does she have children? What kind of work do you do? Is it reasonable that she thinks she must know NOW? Or is she just worried about what it means for her? I mean, you're not on the brink of curing cancer or anything, are you?

Just take some deep breaths here. And try to give hubby his space. I feel sure that he'll come around!

[smkinc]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It seems that you have 2 issues here. 1. What do you tell your boss tomorrow? and 2. Can you afford to be a SAHM? I'll give my opinion on the first. As far as what to tell the boss, I would just tell her that you plan on coming back after your maternity leave. It sounds like this is up in the air enough that it wouldn't be a lie at this point.

Have you considered asking about flexible schedules/part-time? You were a good enough to be hired, so maybe this is an option. I knew I had to go back to work (I make >1/2 the family income), but while on leave I figured out just what I wanted in terms of schedule and my boss was completely accomodating.

Your DH believes you need to work--and it may take awhile to figure out whether you need to or not. There is also the psychological hurdle to get over--he will be carrying the financial burden for the entire family--which is very hard for some people to deal with, especially these days when job security isn't all that secure. What are you child care plans if you do return to work? If you haven't investigated this you may want to do so. Cost/quality vary a lot (and a higher cost does not necessarily mean better quality), so you should get some idea of child care costs before you even make a decision. (BTW, I'm having to look for alternative child care for DS, and it's turning out that this is the best time to look for care in our area.)

Sorry, my response is long and rambling---but I don't think you need to figure out what you're going to do by tomorrow morning. If your plan changes (from returning to work after maternity leave), then just inform the boss that the plan has changed.

HTH,

Mary
Mom to Jeremiah 2/4/03

[mommy_someday]

Claire,

No, my boss does not have any children - she is pretty much all about the job as far as I can tell. I think the reason she wants to know soon is that when I was hired (pediatric eye center at a hospital) there were two positions open. She was never really clear on which I was hired for since I told her I would do either. I had been out of work for nearly 2 months at this point and getting desperate. Anyway, one position is long term and the other is more replaceable, I think. But the whole situation still sucks, if you ask me.

Thanks to you and Mary for your support. I knew I would find someone eventually who understood.

[LD92599]

So sorry you're going through this..definitely not stress you need right now! I would say to say you're coming back. At least this way if you decide to go back/need to go back you can...if you say at this point you're not coming back, they may feel as though you're not putting 100% into your job.

Just my 2¢.

Laura
mom to William
3.5.2003

http://homepage.mac.com/ld14m

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030305/0/7/0/-5/.png[/url]

[Marisa6826]

Erica-

Tell her that you simply don't know the answer. Legally she can get herself in a boatload of trouble if she fires you for being pregnant.

If she fires you, you can not only sue her, and the hospital, but you can also collect unemployment for up to 26w.

What does HER supervisor think?

Lemme know where to send the brownies ;)

hugs

-m

[NEVE and TRISTAN]

She is out of line with her reponses...DOCUMENT all of it!!!!!
Even if you are 99% certain you are not coming back say you are...cover your derriere!!!!!

How she is acting is illegal!!!!!!

Neve and Tristan born Feb 25, 2003
* EDD #2 3/18/05 as of 8/10 things looking "great"
*Traveling in Jan insearch of the rest of our family-adopting in Ukraine IF INS gets us paperwork intime (cross fingers)

[tippy]

Sorry for your stress at such a "joyous" time in your life! I agree with Neve that you should document everything and date it (memories fail!) Just thought I'd mention this. Is this a facility with an HR department. If it is, you might want to speak to someone in HR about it (if she continues to exhibit signs of "prejudice" against you. That is definitely not ok! Keep us posted.

[jubilee]

When I was pregnant with my youngest, I also had to reveal I was expecting before I had really wanted to say anything. And instantly my boss wanted to know my future plans as well... so I said I would continue working there. However, when I was 6-7 months along, I told them I would not be coming back. My boss (who is a surgeon) tried to "tempt" me with a huge promotion (office manager of his surgical practice)...but I still said no. That gave them 2 months to find a replacement and have me train her. All went well, and I now work at home doing medical billing for the office. It seemed impossible to financially make it work on my hubby's income alone, and DH was really worried about it- it fact he worries about it daily still. Anyway, I hope all goes well with your employer. I doubt you'll get any true congratulations at work, so let us here support you and cheer you and baby along!