I'm sorry- are you the one being cut open and giving birth???

[cdlamis]

I just hung up the phone with DH and need to vent. I am in tears- probably hormones but who cares. Prepare yourself for a long vent.

My OB tentatively scheduled my C/S for Dec 18th unless I go into labor or start progressing on my own (a whole separate post). So DH and I were talking about what we'll do for Christmas. I told my family that they could come to our house on the 24th and celebrate. I have a very small family- just my parents and sister. They offered to bring all the food, etc. I wanted it at our house so I didn't have to leave the comfort of my own home, drive, etc. They are being very cool with it and will do whatever I want.

Dh's family had planned on getting together on Dec 25th at my in-laws. I told DH that I wasn't going to go. They live an hour away and it would be his whole extended family. Just doesn't sound very appealing with a newborn, nursing, naps, etc. I said he could still go and take Julia and that I would stay home with the baby. His response? "Ok, I guesss if that's what you want to do? I'm sure they will all want to see you and the baby. But do whatever you want" This was said not very sincerely. No discussion about what else we could do or how he understood completely- nothing. I just don't feel very supported right now. I will be the one recovering from surgery and I need to keep his family's feelings/desires in mind???

What would you do? Am I being overly demanding? Thanks for listening.

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And another little girl EDD 12-30-04!!

[cuca_]

Daniella,

I don't think you are being overly demanding. I would stand my ground and not go. Especially if you end up having a c-section on the 18th. I think that driving an hour a week after having a c-section might be a bit uncomfortable. I had a very quick recovery after having a c-section with DD (needed no pain killers, etc...), and still I don't think I would have been up to attending a party a week later. Plus, if you do have a c-section you would be in the hospital at least 4 days, which means that DH wants you to attend a party 2 or 3 days after your discharge. Does not sound reasonable.

Plus, even if you go into labor early, you will both still be in the adjustment period, so it really doesn't sound like fun either way.

If I were you, I would explain all this to DH again, and even call MIL and excuse myself. She should understand.

Sorry you are going through this. Feel better, follow your instincts and stand your ground!

HTH

Carmen
DD May 2003
#2 expected in May 2005!

[houseof3boys]

Daniella I don't think you are being overly anything. Does he not remember how hard recovery after birth is?

She'll be so little then too that I'm sure the last thing you want is to be hauling her in the car for an hour and schlepping so many diapers to go to the in-laws. I would also not be too keen on all of those people (extended family) that would expose her to germs during cold and flu season.

I would talk to DH again (nicely) and explain it all again and tell him you don't feel very supported when you are about to undergo such major surgery (I consider a c/s major).

I'm sure it will all work out but vent here if you need to. :)

[bluej]

I agree with the others. You most likely will not feel like traveling and being away from the comfort of your home all day. Your baby will be nursing every two hours or so and who knows how long she will nurse for (seriously, you could be spending the majority of your time there with a baby quite literally attached to you). At a week YOU are suppose to be sleeping as much as possible and will you have the ability to go lay down for a bit while at your IL's? And even if your DH does not understand all of that, he should understand that a week old baby does not need to be exposed to a couple dozen people at any time but especially not during the cold and flu season, no matter how much they want to see her. He can beam with pride as he shows them pictures of her. I'm quite certain your OB/GYN and the baby's Ped will not only side with you on this, but they will heavily discourage you going to your IL's.

[jal]

Staying at home also sounds like a great way to keep a crowd away from the new born.

When it's just one visitor at a time, you can excersize a certain amount of control, make sure the person has at least washed their hands before they handle the baby.

But a house full of family in winter does NOT sound like the best of plans at keeping a 7 day old infant health. Surely someone is bound to be sick, everyone is going to want to hold/pass the baby, and you won't have a lot of control over making sure everyone holds the baby with clean hands.

[starrynight]

I would not go and I would be upset also. You dh is not thinking or at least I hope not if he is being that inconsiderate. {hugs}

[lmariana]

Daniella, did you have a c/s with Julia? I had one with Gabe, and let me just say that there is no chance in the WORLD that I would have gone on a one hr drive to my in-laws with my newborn 7 days after having major surgery!!!! In my mind, it's just out of the question. No way. We were in the hospital for 5 days, and I didn't feel well enough to be out and about for about 2 week after that.

If he gave me any attitude, I would have my c/s video taped and make him watch it and THEN ask me to leave the freakin' house and go to my in laws.

I remember that even wearing a seatbelt to get to the pediatrician's office was terrible, I can't imagine a long car trip. Not to mention, I wouldn't want my newborn around a bunch of people anyhow! Stand your ground, don't feel guilty, and enjoy your last few days of pregnancy!!!

Mariana
Owner of HappyDayBaby
Mother of Gabriel, 08/14/2003
www.heinzandmariana.com (personal site)

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030814/1/5/0/-5/.png[/img] ([img)

[Karenn]

Daniella,
My ordinarily wonderful DH had the same sort of lapse in judgement shortly before DD was born. He was insisting that we go out somewhere two weeks after DD was born and I knew I wouldn't be ready. I think that maybe men block out the stress of those first couple of weeks home!

I finally had to lay it out in very specific terms (I was almost as blunt as you are in your title :)) and repeat myself several times after that, and he FINALLY backed down. I don't think he ever really got why I didn't want to go out, but he realized that because I had just been through one of the most traumatic/joyeous moments of my life, he needed to let me win this one.

You aren't being unreasonable at all! I hope your DH figures that out too.

[jubilee]

I had Logan 11 days before Easter, which is not a holiday with all the hoopla of Christmas, and I felt the same way. I said if anyone wants to come to my house for Easter that is great... if you don't we'll just have to get together at another time. And we ended up having major problems with breastfeeding and jaundice and bili-lights and hospital visits up until the day before Easter. I certainly wasn't going to leave my house after that- and I delivered vaginally. I can't imagine with a c-section!! You deserve major kudos for just saying DH and Julia could go to Christmas elsewhere... frankly I wouldn't give my DH a choice. You'll be staying home with me, buddy! I really hope your hubby starts thinking clearly and recognizes the importance of being there for YOU!

[cdlamis]

Oh- I feel so much better knowing that you all agree with me! Thank you for all the advice and support. I even told my DH that "all the ladies on the BBB agree with me and that you are in the dog house!". We can't stay mad at each for long and I was sort of joking but am still a little miffed.

And I am still not going on Christmas! :)

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And another little girl EDD 12-30-04!!

[cdlamis]

I really hope your hubby starts thinking clearly
>and recognizes the importance of being there for YOU!

Very true- I will have to use that line today. Thanks for the ammo! ;)

Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And another little girl EDD 12-30-04!!

[KrisM]

I had a c/s and a super easy recovery. While I don't think the car ride would bother me since it was an hour home from the hospital 2 days after the c/s and I was fine, I would not want to go out of the house that soon. DS was born a week or so before Mother's Day. My mom, dad, and grandparents cames to our house on Mother's Day. They brought coolers of food and my mom did all the cooking. It was really great! But, I was so exhausted at the end and they were only there about 3 hours. I can't imagine doing Christmas at someone else's house!

[8isenough]

Daniella...first off, I think you are being so kind and thoughtful by thinking about others considering you are about to give birth. That is so sweet and your family should be mighty thankful to have you for a daughter/DIL. You only will give birth to this child ONCE. Your experience good or bad will be forever etched in your memory. Please do what you feel is best for you. You are the one delivering this baby and need time to heal and recover. Considering you will be barely two weeks post-partum and are undergoing a C section, I would strongly suggest you NOT go an hour away just in case something happens. Not to mention shortly after surgery you should not be in a car for that long of a period anyway. How about the in-laws get their booties to YOUR house to visit? I mean come one...birth by C section is MAJOR surgery. Stay home and let them come to you if they want to see the baby! (can you tell I got more angry as I typed? :) )

Sterling

[tippy]

Daniella,

I delivered AJ vaginally and let me tell you I STILL wouldn't want to go to my in laws house an hour away in the cold of winter (I live in NE) to be around a houseful of guests. If they want to see the baby that badly let them come visit in small groups over the next couple of months! Don't feel guilty. You are so not in the wrong here. I can understand you dh being disappointed on some level but he needs to get over it and take your needs and the baby’s needs into consideration.

Teva
Mom to AJ born 1-8-03

[nov04]

My dh is wonderful, but every once in a while, he goes insane and does something that I find so crazy or thoughtless I wonder what is possessing him.

This sounds like your dh right now. He's being irrational and thoughtless (sorry if I offend). I don't know why ppl think c-section is no big deal, if you had a gall bladder removed for example, no one would expect you to go out a week later!!!!! Maybe its because everyone wants to see the baby and they don't care how painful it is for mom.

I haven't had cs, but I would politely but firmly list reasons for not wanting to go out, write a letter if you need to. He has no right to expect this of you.

[cdlamis]

I don't know why ppl
>think c-section is no big deal, if you had a gall bladder
>removed for example, no one would expect you to go out a week
>later!!!!! Maybe its because everyone wants to see the baby
>and they don't care how painful it is for mom.

Exactly!!! I had to keep reminding DH that I will be having SURGERY next weekend. The end result is so wonderful that I think he forgets that I will be cut open and sewn back together.

I have had a C/S before a recovered pretty well from it but you never know.

*ETA- grammar correction
Daniella
Mom to Julia 6-13-02
And another little girl EDD 12-30-04!!

[StaceyKim]

No, you are not being overly demanding! C/S is major surgery and then having a newborn baby!! I would also want to keep my newborn baby away from big gatherings at such a young age-there is the flu season to consider! Also, who knows how you are going to feel by Dec 25th. Some recover quickly and some it takes a few weeks to feel normal again. You could also tell your DH that you will "play it by ear" and see how you feel and if you don't feel like going...don't go.

HTH



ETA: Good luck in the next couple of weeks! Personally, I would want DH to stay at home with me if I was going to be home. Who wants to be alone on xmas after just giving birth!?

[mamicka]

Ditto to all the comments so far. It's not the hormones. Wait, I'm pg, too. Still, not the hormones.