Petty Vent: SAHM with almost FT Nannies

[ChefGirl]

Do you live on a block where you are the only working Mom? Where all the SAHM's have almost FT nannies? Most of my neighbors are SAHM's with either FT nannies, or FT live-in nannies, or PT nannies. They are nice women, except they are in a totally different world than mine! They seem nice, but we have nothing in common. They vacation in the Hamptons. I just can't carry on a conversation with them. Ugh, it just rubs me the wrong way to see them. Maybe I'm just envious of them. I don't know. It told you it's petty.

[trumansmom]

I honestly don't care what someone else chooses, but I do hate it when they get into a "one-up" sort of thing. I recently ran into two women with whom I was pretty good friends before we had kids. One works full time and has a full time nanny, and the other is a SAHM with a part time nanny. They both went into this whole, "I could NEVER do what you do, Jeanne" thing. It really annoyed me. It did not sound complimentary, but rather like they were saying, "I could NEVER be that stupid", you know?

Like I said, I don't care about what other people choose to do, and I don't belittle them for it. I just wish they would do the same.


Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[maestramommy]

Well, like the pp I don't really care what people do. It's their choice and obviously they can afford it. As for your friends, well when I run into people like that I think of my Dh's quote, "same planet, different world."

[jesseandgrace]

I

[Radosti]

I have a friend like that. She was pretty normal in college. it's been downhill since we graduated. Her mom is a loony toon. When my friend was dating her boyfriend, he wasn't allowed to ask her to marry him until her ring was bigger than her mom's. So, she ended up with a 2 carat diamond of pretty bad quality, but all that matters is that it's BIG!!! Then, when he did ask her to marry him, her mother ended up in the hospital "on her deathbed" until he promised to convert to Judaism. As soon as he promised, she improved "dramatically". They made him change his name from Chris to David.

When my friend had her bridal shower, her mom bought out the ENTIRE registry to give as a gift to her daughter!!! And they can't afford to do that, but it's all about keeping up with the Joneses. My friend got yelled at by her mom for choosing the $5K wedding dress over the $7K dress. Then, the wedding had to be on a Saturday night even though the sun down didn't occur until very late in the summer and thus the ceremony couldn't start until 10:30pm. The wedding went all night - until 5am. And it was the gloomiest affair I've ever been to.

The thing that really cooled my friendship with her was that we were both going through major fertility treatment issues. On the day she was told that she'd have to do IVF, I told her I was pregnant (I had no idea that her doctor told her that). She was very abrupt with me and hung up. I was mad as heck and refused to take her calls after that. About 2 weeks later, she sent me an e-mail apologizing and telling me that she was also pregnant. Apparently, she was already pregnant when I told her I was, but she had no idea.

Her daughter now goes to daycare 16 hours a week even though my friend doesn't work. It's all about showing everyone else up, no matter how much credit card debt you have. Oy, I can't deal with that.

[babysophia]

deleted

[threekids]

Oh - this drives me NUTS !!! One woman near me has a nanny almost 30 hrs a week. THe nanny is there all morning and the mom comes home just at nap time. THe kids nap all afternoon and then the dad comes home. It drives be absolutely crazy.

It's not really jealousy, although I'd love some help too. The thing that angers me is that I have three kids, she has two. SHe is constantly telling me how busy she is and how she can never get anything done. It's like she's saying that I must not be doing anything right or getting things done because I have no help. I mean, if she can't possibly do it with 2, how can I do things with three? KWIM?? Maybe I'm being too sensitive. This just is a sore point with me. It's just that she's soooo insulting.

Her kids have never been to a grocery store, mall, etc. Oh, now I'm getting all worked up....WHATEVER!

Katie

[kijip]

I get what you are saying about not being able to connect with women from a totally different background/circumstance as you. Sometime it is nice to talk to women who know what you are dealing with first hand, regardless of what that might be. I imagine it would be similarly frustrating to be the only SAHM on a block with all WOHMs.

I just don't equate SAHMs with childcare with the other things referenced in this thread and some of the comparisions seem unfair- keeping up with the Joneses, never spending time with your kids, vacationing in particular spots, being in massive debt. It seems like a pretty big leap from the OP to that. It also seems a little biased- like moms that can afford nannies are automatically one or more of these other things?

I know some SAHMs with childcare. Some are board members and volunteers and their commitments take them away from the home 15-40 hours a week, just like a paid job. Often in those cases it seems like the nanny is sometimes watching the younger kids while the mom does volunteer work for the older child's school pt or something. Some are just overwhemled and have the resources to take a respite from it. Like a friend of mine with a never sleeping, round the clock nurser pointed out- she was working 2 full time jobs caring for her daughter from 4PM-8AM and that taking the day 4 days a week once her child was old enough to drink from a cup from 8-4 kept her from potentially harming her child or losing her mind. Who the heck am I to judge if someone "needs" a nanny or not? Sometimes I admit that I need a nap, a haircut or whatever when I could be spending time with Toby. I don't see that as wrong, I see that as healthy. I don't care to determine what is important/needed to someone else. They want/need it enough to make room in the budget for it so it is obviously worth something to them.

[clc053103]

I go to a local family oriented gym, and your membership includes free babysitting. There's a 1 hr time limit in the nursery for babies 16 months or less, and then a 2 hr time limit for older kids. Well, some of the SAHM's LIVE at the gym every single day and abuse the time limits so badly that their kids practically live there- I have seen some of them cry for the gym sitters!!!! And some of these kids go to daycare or preschool before or after! I find it weird that people have kids, then spend every waking moment trying to unload them on someone else. And of course, since these kids are there so much and like family to these sitters, while they are catering to these women's children like underpaid nannies, they are ignoring the other kids whose parents don't dump them there every day, and who abide by the time limits.

Sorry to hijack your vent- but it was definitely along the same lines!

[kelly ann]

All of that ring and wedding stuff is unbelievable. Not to be rude, but what type of man would marry into that? He should have run for the hills when he heard about the conditions on the size of the diamond!

[janeybwild]

Well said, each to their own. Perhaps its not that they are SAHMs with childcare that bothers you but that they have different goals and priorities so that you cannot relate to them? Regardless, it must be hard to feel like an outsider in you own neighbourhood...come move near us :)

[Nicsmom]

Two quotes:

>Who the heck am I to judge if someone "needs" a nanny or not?

>I don't care to determine what is important/needed to someone else. They want/need it enough to make room in the budget for it so it is obviously worth something to them.

I completely agree with you. I don't assume someone is a bad mother because they are SAHM with childcare. To me they are just wealthier than I am.

I edited this post to add this: Although I don't judge SAHMs with childcare, I understand that it is difficult being around other mothers who do not share your priorities.

[Aarohismom]

Well said Katie!

[ChefGirl]

>Two quotes:
>
>>Who the heck am I to judge if someone "needs" a nanny or not?
>
>
>>I don't care to determine what is important/needed to someone
>else. They want/need it enough to make room in the budget for
>it so it is obviously worth something to them.
>
>I completely agree with you. I don't assume someone is a bad
>mother because they are SAHM with childcare. To me they are
>just wealthier than I am.
>
>I edited this post to add this: Although I don't judge SAHMs
>with childcare, I understand that it is difficult being around
>other mothers who do not share your priorities.

Thanks for everyone's comments. I totally agree with you. They just have different priorities than mine. I honestly don't mean to pass on any personal judgements on these women on my block. It's just when we are out in the front lawn chatting. There is nothing to chat about with them. They will go on and on about their trips to the Hamptons, cabins in Wyoming, NYC, Telluride when DH and I work our butts off and haven't had a vacation in years. I guess we just cannot afford traveling with the entire family plus the Nanny! Yup, that's what they do. They take their nannies with them on vacation. Huh?

Thanks for listening. Like some of you said, we all just have different priorities with different background.

[dr mom]

The diamond issue is pretty materialistic and petty...but making him change his NAME??? WTF!!!

[C99]

No. I live in a neighborhood where I am an anomaly because I am one of the only SAHMs here. The only other SAHMs I know have older kids (7+). Most of the moms in my neighborhood with kids my kids' age work full-time and have full-time nanny care. But, like you w/ your neighbors, I just can't seem to carry on a conversation beyond, "Hi. How are you?" I see and converse with the nannies far more often.