I finally told my mom the way I felt and yet I'm the bad guy

[SpaceGal]

Oh geez I don't even know where to begin. I guess background information would be that I'm a only child to single mother. We've never had the best relationship...growing up I was close to her because I seriously had no one else, but as I got older and started having friends and boyfriends our relationship soured because she felt I was choosing others over her. Needless to say I know my mom is sort of narcissistic and I've tried so hard to handle it but it's gotten worse.

Fast forward to now, here I am happily married with DH and a son and a new baby on the way. She was never happy I married...didn't matter who it was she didn't like him. It wasn't a question of he wasn't good enough or a bad guy just she never liked DH. He was never rude to her or anything but she just finds fault in him and everything he does. She was never happy I had a baby. She told me I wasn't capable of having children because I was too thin and because I was thin she deemed me not healthy. Not that I have an eating disorder, but if she ever realized, I was born skinny. I had DS, he's a great kid, cute, happy go lucky and I love him...but he was born with heart problems. She loves to pull that black cloud over my head always. Telling me I'm cursed to have more "defective" children. Then reminds me how children are burdens and financially draining. I never made any comment to that remark, although it tells me how she feels I was as a child to her. I didn't tell her I was pregnant with #2 for a long time...until DH said just tell her and he drove me 5 hours to go see her and tell her. Her first question was..."was this an accident??" I was so mad. I mean come on now...that's something you ask a 13 year old who just didn't protect herself. Anyways, this past week she tells me she wants to come and live by us so she can help me. I wasn't surprised but dreaded her help...because she's not a good mom. I hate to say it that way but she wasn't. Everyone else took care of me...my grandma, my aunt, my great aunt, but not my mom...financially she took care of me but she was never around. She was working and when she was not working she was with her boyfriend. But it's funny how she loves to play the perfect mom role now that I'm a mom. So anyways, I tell her she's free to move here if she wants to. I also tell her that I don't need her help because the last time she came to help me when DS was born it was a disaster. I ended up making all the meals and cleaning and taking care of the baby because she was uncomfortable to be in my house. She didn't even know how to feed my son...if you can believe that. Well she gets all offended that I told her that, and I simply just tell her that we are always fighting and it's not going to be "happy happy joy joy" if she moves here, our relationship will take time to work out. I also told her that it's my family and my kids that she can express her opinions but DH and I ultimately make the choices. I did manage to tell her as nice as possible all the major things that I didn't appreciate that she does, things like not accepting me or DH or my lifestyle (being a stay at home mom is a waste of my life to her) and other things like stop treating me like a 3 year old. She considered everything I said as shutting her out, told me that one day my children will grow up to hate and disrespect me and then she hung up on me.

Anyways, I finally told her how I feel and I feel good that I finally told her all these feelings...without a being bitter and just being honest and accepting of our disfunctional relationship. Well now I hear from others how she hates me and refuses to see the new baby but will just send money since she thinks that's the only reason I "call her mom". I was so insulted. I mean fine you're mad at me, and yeah you're catty and I know you want the rest of the family (her sisters and extended family) to hate me as well. She's even got my aunts to come and tell me how disobedient I am and disrespectful I have been to my mother and that I need to change my ways. I'm just so tired of it all. Ready to throw in the towel and say this mom doesn't exist because it's just too much. I know to her I'm a screwed failure of a child that doesn't praise her every action and move. But serously she is far far far from being the ideal parent and in fact she's more a child than I am.

Sorry for being so long winded but I just I don't know anymore. I mean it's just too many mind games to play with a selfish person. And I'm sorry that this selfish person happen to give birth to me and I have to call her mom. Would it be so bad to just let her go? Because when I tried letting her be herself and ignoring her it didn't work. She would just feel that since I was quiet, she could impose her ways on my life. But now I think for the sake of my life, my family and my children it might be better to just stop dealing with her all together.

Have any of you dealt with crazy parents? What have you done to handle it?

ETA:
Thank you all for your support. I do think there should be a good moms dealing with crazy moms group. Sometimes it's hard to talk about it with others who have loving supportive parents because they usually are in disbelief of what you can tell them. As for me, it definitely is hard to let her go...because like one poster said good daughters don't just drop their moms and that's what I feel like I'm doing. But my family is more important right now. So for now, DH told me I should just let her go, and don't let her get to me. I've decided to not call her or write her. I'll send her cards and stuff on her birthdays and holidays but otherwise that's it. I know if I call her, she'll think I've given in and admit that I'm this bad delinquent child. *sigh* Oh well...but I must say once I get past this "mourning" maybe things will be better.

[JTsMom]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this crap. :( IMHO, when a person is so toxic that they do nothing but bring you down, it's time to walk away, at least for a while. You can always just keep your distance for a few months/years/however long you feel like, and when/if you want to try again, deal with it at that point.

I wish I had some great advice for you, but I don't. All I can say is ask yourself what she is contributing to your life, and to your family. Hang in there. Hopefully all of the family drama will die down soon.

[Octobermommy]

First off, I am sorry that your situation is like this. We had similar problems with my husband's mom. She never liked me, not b/c I was not nice but simply b/c someone else was in her son's life. She was very toxic. We ended up cutting her out of our lives for about 4 years. It was one of the best decisions we made. We stopped having to think about her, getting worried about how she would act, what she would say etc. She was emotionally draining and we were better when we let her go. My husband was sad about it but you can't control other people and what they do and he realized she was not going to change just because we wanted her to.

She is a part of our lives now but not what a "normal" mother would be. She wanted to patch things up when our daughter was born. We are careful around her and don't let her say inappropriate things, especially around our daughter. She knows we are serious and would not hesitate to reduce visits or even cut her out again if she pulls the same things she used to. Our family is too important to let her weigh us down ( that is the way we look at it, at least).

HTH a little bit!

[kcandz]

I think is tough for those of us who have moms like this, and are moms ourselves. The guilt of shutting out one's own mother is profound, and thus hearing your own children might grow up to shut you out is a scary button of vulnerability to push. I'm not a psychiatrist but some of the episodes you describe are recognizable symptoms of a personality disorder. This book might be helpful to you.

http://tinyurl.com/y7ahuv


It sounds like you set up some great boundaries for yourself and your family. I think you should stick to them. You are happier, right? Just guilty because good daughters aren't "supposed" to be like this with their mothers? Stay strong.

[Sillygirl]

I'm sorry she is so mad at you and acting inappropriately but that sounds waaaay better than having her live with you.

She sounds like she's not just toxic, she's radioactive.

[katiesmommy]

I'm so sorry that you are having to be put through this. We have just recently gone through something very similar with DH's father. His mother passed away in April and shortly after his father started going "crazy". He blew his mind on PCP, and was out of it for several days, and has refused to get any sort of help. Now looking back at DH's childhood we have some suspicions that PCP abuse may have been going on for several years. DH has Post Tramatic Stress Disorder from being tortured in his childhood. I mean he was really tortured, if you look up Biderman's Chart of Coercion, he has personally experienced everything on the list. Since his mother's death his father has become increasingly toxic. We, and 2 of his siblings, decided a few months ago that it would be in our best intrest to cut him out of our lives, at least for now. Seriously, I think it's the best thing we could have done for ourselves. We don't sit and constantly worry that he's going to do something stupid again, we don't have to worry about finding someone to take care of him, or someplace for him to move to, or paying his bills for him. It was hard to do at the time, and I expect that it will be hard for you as well. But it does get better.

[heidiann]

Do you have a long lost sister that lives in Pittsburgh? You just totally described my mom.
I'm sorry your going through this and I don't really have any advice for you just big ((((HUGS))))

Heidi
Mom to Jillian 10/20/05

[punkrockmama]

All I can say is that what I have come to learn is that just because you share DNA with someone, that does not guarantee they deserve a place in your life

We all want to be the Walton's. But sadly, most of us are not. You can totally mourn the relationship that never was and what could have been. Mothers and daughters, it's soo tuff to be one of each, huh?

I say, enjoy your sweet family that you have created. Do not feel guilty for one second about preserving that (and your heart and your sanity).

Big hugs.

[DrSally]

Wow, that is sooo much to deal with. I am so impressed that you have/are putting your family and yourself first. You have built a strong family unit for yourself, continue to protect it. I am also so impressed that you told her how you feel. That shows that you are not sooo wrapped up in they dynamics of your relationship. You already have moved on to a certain extent. Sounds to me like your mom had really mixed/guilty feelings about the way she parented, and may be criticizing your choices b/c she feels they are an indirect criticism of what she did (by choosing differently) KWIM? She also prob thinks you only value her for her money as a grandparent b/c that is, actually, what she only offered you as a child. Maybe she thinks this is all she has to offer. Who knows. She has her own issues, and the importhant thing is that you stood by your family and defended yourself.

[jgriffin]

Big hugs to you, it's difficult having a crazy parent. I'm currently dealing with one right now, and I wish I had the guts to just come out, tell her how I feel, and just end the whole thing. But it's hard, since it's not like breaking up with a bf you've had for a few months.

This spring I started a time out for a few months, and just refused to talk or email her. Recently we've agreed on an email-only relationship, and if this goes well, step up to phone conversations. I'm hoping if I'm dealing with her on my terms, maybe things will go better.

Anyone want to set up a SaneMoms-with-CrazyMoms support group. :)