just need to vent

[buddyleebaby]

pardon the typing, baby in arms.
i feel like i am not bonding with evelyn the way i did with abigail, and it makes me so sad. i love her to death but she still seems so foreign to me. i feel like i get no "quality" time with her. i spend all of my time keeping her and abigail happy and clean and fed and i never just have time to just sit and sing to her or something. and that makes me feel like she is getting a raw deal. i hold her almost all the time but i don't feel like that's enough. i struggle even to remember to grab the camera and take a picture of her. and abigail is wonderful with her, our days are relatively easy, so that shouldn't be the case.
and i am so tired. some nights they are angels, they sleep wonderfully. other nights evelyn screams like a banshee and i don't know why. last night i didn't sleep at all because i was trying to comfort her. tonight i am holding her in my arms as she sleeps and so far so good. it justs makes me feel so helpless when she is crying and i can't comfort her, like i don't know her well enough, and i should.
i don't know if i am making sense her or not. i guess i just wish there were more hours in a day. i feel like i am missing her grow-up even though i'm here all the time.

[kep]

Hugs, Alicia! I don't have any advice yet, but these beginning days will pass quickly. Luke used to scream like that for hours during those first few weeks. Nothing helped. It did get better. :)

Kelli
Proud Mommy to Lukey (2003). Weaned after 3 years of happy nursing!
And Mommy to our newest baby, due Christmas Eve, 2006

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[punkrockmama]

BIG hugs to you honey! I'm super sure you are being a great mama to your two little girlies. It's a tough time for you all right now, so much to adjust to. Please just try to be extra gentle with yourself.

I will be in your shoes very soon and I have all the same fears (I can't sleep tonight and that's one of the things on my mind).

We just have to remember that as long as we take it one day at time, it will all shake out in the end.

Alicia, you are a good mom.

[kedss]

Big hugs, Alicia, you are doing a great job!

[candybomiller]

Alicia,

I'm sure you know there is an adjustment period and lack of sleep never makes anyone feel good. Please make sure you are taking care of yourself.

Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's ok to start out slowly. I have no doubts in my mind that you are any excellent mother to both your babies.

On another note, have you talked to your doctor about possible ppd? I'm just asking because IF you have it, I don't want things to go on when they could be better, iykwim.

(((((HUGS))))) to you Alicia.

[Wife_and_mommy]

Many hugs to you!

It's rough in the beginning esp. with a toddler to contend with as well. Be gentle with all of you. If think you might be suffering from ppd please call and talk with your md or midwife. They're there to help.

Remember that the screaming will start to slow down(probably!) in a few more weeks.
More hugs headed your way. Try to get some rest and maybe go out for a cup of coffee or something for a bit.

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[cmdunn1972]

Awwww... Alicia, it seems that you've forgotten that it takes time to bond with a new child. Bonding is a process that doesn't just happen overnight. Give yourselves time; you've only known each other for a little while. It'll happen.

[sidmand]

Hugs Alicia!

It must be so hard with two and you have a newborn and a relative baby too...

I think it just has to be a different type of bonding. I've wondered myself how it will work 'cause I spent a lot of time hanging out with DS on the front porch or while taking a walk or driving around (napping!) and that just can't happen too much with two.

Tiredness definitely makes everything so much worse and I don't think it's even possible to see it at the time for how bad it truly is. There's no way to know someone, anyone, really well after just a few weeks. There's no way you can always know what's wrong. Heck, even after 16 months, I don't always know what's wrong with DS!

I can't speak from experience yet, but I know it will get better for you. You are a terrific Mom and someday (soon!) you'll look back on this and laugh.

Take care of yourself, Abigail, and Evelyn.

Debbie
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[sdoyle]

Oh, Alicia. Your post is so real to me. I can so vividly remember that time still (DD is 3 mo).

Here's my deepest, darkest secret: It took a REALLY long time for me to bond with DD. When they took her out (c-section) I was honestly surprised there was a baby in there and was scared s***less. We had a really difficult time with breastfeeding since my milk never came in and I spent 6 hours a night feeding her. I remember rocking her in the glider in a panic trying to figure out a way to gracefully put her up for adoption. It sounds silly now, but it was a really hard time for me.

Now the good news- it got better!! I love her so much now that I feel guilty for the way I felt before. I read something that really helped at that time- it was an article about how bonding doesn't happen right away for a lot of moms. You don't know this person and they don't know you so it takes a little while. It is not always love at first sight. My mom reminded me (during a 4am "I'm-a-bad-mom" call) that memory is kind and while I felt bad at the time, what I would remember is the good times. She said that was why she went through childbirth 8 times.

Please be kind to yourself. You are tired and what you are doing is hard, but it will get better very soon and the reward is priceless! Big, big HUGS. Please feel free to e-mail me if you need to vent more. I could have written your post 8 weeks ago!

[saschalicks]

Alicia,
I know how hard this is. I was there not too long ago. Please just consider talking to your doctor. I think you are describing somewhat what it felt like to me, and I had PPD. I will say I had really bad with DS#2. Just talk to your OB maybe s/he'll say that it's normal, which it totally is.

Also, be easier on yourself. Remember that you now have 2 children when you only had one to focus on when you had Abigail. You are doing great mama.

[Jenn98]

::::raising hand:::: I too must confess that it did take awhile for me to feel the way I thought I should with DD. I loved her to pieces, but I also felt a little empty, too. It's hard to explain, but the best way I can describe it is that I loved her, but that I wasn't in love with her. Good news, everything has changed and I'm crazy in love with her now. I miss her when I go to work now. As she has grown I have really come to love who she is as a little person.

And you know what, my mom told me it took her awhile to feel attached with my older brother (her first baby).

It sounds so horrible to write these words, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in not feeling an instant, huge rush of intense love for your newborn. I HTH some. Take care (((hugs)))

[annasmom]

Big (((hugs))) girly!! I wouldn't worry too much about the bonding issue. I know that these past three weeks have sprinted past me. I was just saying to my dh that we just do not take enough photographs. I am reserving a day of this weekend for a big photo spread of the new baby. I know that when I don't have Conor in a carrier for part of the day, I feel like I hardly get any time with him.

We have had a hard time the past two nights with Conor also, and now today the other 2 dc are sick. It will get better, I promise!!

[janeybwild]

Alicia, you are so not alone. I remember this feeling clearly from when Dana was born, and am terrified how #3 will feel. All I can say is that it is different, but not necessarily bad. I felt that my connection to Dana really started when she started responding to me (which did induce horrible guilty feelings), somewhere around 6 months. Up till then, it felt like we were just trying to get the routine down. Sounds bad, but in retrospect, not awful. She has benefited enormously from having an older sibling, and parents who focus on the good stuff she needs. To see the 2 kiddos interacting melts my heart more every day. So, cut yourself some slack. Keep your thoughts open to any other signs of PPD of course, but otherwise, know that this is not abnormal and you are not a bad mom for feeling this way.

[HallsofVA]

Alicia - Hugs going out to you.

I second what Colleen says, though. What you describe relative to Evelyn now sounds exactly like what the first weeks were like for me with DS and it may just be that you've forgotten what those days were like since you're well past that with Abigail. I think it's just how babies are in those early weeks, when they are constant demanders, and haven't yet developed muscle control to give anything back (smiles, eye contact, etc. With DS I was exhausted all of the time, and I never seemed to be able to comfort him as well as DH could, or others that would come over to visit.

Keep your chin up and remember that the wonderful times to come last so much longer than these early difficult times.

[maestramommy]

Ohhhh, sorry to hear that Alicia! No advice since I'm obviously not there yet, but I'm sure it must be so hard to feel like you're not bonding. FWIW, I didn't really feel I was bonding with Dora in the beginning either. I was too busy feeding, changing, soothing to really think about that. Eventually I felt like she was knowing me, but it wasn't for weeks. It didn't bother me though because I thought that's the way it can be for some people. But maybe my personality is just different.

I have heard that with the 2nd child (and 3rd, and 4th...) parents don't often sustain the level of attention or activity that they had with the first, for obvious reasons. But it sounds like you are doing everything you can. (((HUGS))). Don't worry, I'm sure she feels loved every bit as much as Abigail. Heck, she's got both of you loving her during the day.

[BaileyBea]

Hi Alicia,

Our situations are very similar. It's been hard at times. Earlier today I told DH that by 8 weeks I really knew my DS but DD will be 8 weeks tomorrow and I feel like I don't know her at all.

The luxury of sleeping when the baby is sleeping does not exist when you have a toddler at home. I miss sleeping the most. You're right about photos! DD is getting jipped! I have been trying to take at least one pic a day of both kids. At least in the last couple of weeks.

I can only say that at 8 weeks it is getting better. DD sleeps/cosleeps w/us in the Snuggle Nest and we have quality time w/her after DS is asleep before we all go to bed. I found myself struggling for a bond w/both kiddos for a while. DS suddenly only wanted DH. I missed him terribly

So DH and I made a deal that I have DS for 1-2 hours on Saturday to go to the park or an activity and he has DD for that time to hang out w/him. That way we don't feel like we're not bonding. We all eat dinner together w/DD on the table asleep most of the time. ;-)

I have DS in Mothers Day Out 3 days a week to help me have some time w/DD. This is the only time I can play w/her on the floor w/o her brother jumping all over her. So it's the only floor time she gets. When DD is napping and DS is home I try to read him books and play cars w/him. But of course this doesn't happen everyday like it should.

I think you are doing a great job. The first 12 weeks are hard because you are getting to know this new little person. You're figuring each other out. It will get better. You'll have a day soon when you realized you had quality time w/both of them and it was a good day. You'll be blown away by how easy the day was and feel so confident. Sorry this is so long. I can only say it's getting better.

Nancy

[buddyleebaby]

I just wanted to take the time to thank each and every person who responded here. Your posts really and truly helped.
I have found myself nodding along as I read and getting misty-eyed so many times reading your experiences and knowing that I am not alone.
I just wanted everyone to know how heartfelt my thanks is. It is at times like this, in the midst of long, sleepless nights, that I am so grateful for the kind support from the mommies here. I am feeling much better today, and I have had a wonderful days with both my girls, but your words were there when I truly needed them.

Again, my deepeat thanks to each of you.

[Raidra]

I bonded quickly and easily with my first, probably because he was an easy baby and I had all the time in the world to spend with him.

Then when Lachlann was born, I was shocked when I didn't bond with him quickly. I felt a lot of guilt over this. He was a VERY fussy baby for a really long time (well past the 3 month mark), and it took ages for me to feel like I was really head over heels in love with him the way I was with Colwyn. I think part of it, too, is that I had this amazing toddler who was doing so many cute and funny things, and would give me hugs and kisses and tell me how much he loved me.. and then there was this little newborn, who didn't do anything other than scream and sleep. He also refused to let anyone other than me care for him, so there was a bit of resentment there on my part.

Lachlann is now nearly 15 months and we both love each other to pieces.

If you think you might have PPD, definitely talk to your doctor about it. But it may just be a normal thing.. it was for me and Lachlann, anyway. :)

[ShanaMama]

Alicia, I've been away for a couple of weeks & didn't even know you gave birth! So here's my belated congratulations.
You got some really good replies & I have nothing better to add, but I am glad things are doing better. Just remember to take it day by day. One bad day can be followed by a great one (usually depending on how much sleep you get the night before!!)
I wish you all the best with your 2 girlies!

[jacksmomtobe]

You've got a lot on your plate. Please cut yourself some slack. Remember sometimes newborns cry for no reason. If you know that she is dry and fed then try to not feel like you are doing something wrong. It will get better. I had such feelings of sadness at the end of my pregnancy with #2..the loss of it just being ds & me. I wondered if I would be able to love/bond with dd as much as I had with ds. i think honestly that since ds is 2 1/2 and being difficult at times it has made it easier for me to bond with dd. My other friend who had her 2nd closer to her first had the same feelings you had. It took her about 6 months to feel like she was bonding with #2. You don't quite do the same things with #2 like you did with #1 in the beginning. With the first you are learning so much you are scared to leave them be whereas when you have two you do what you have to do to get by and unfortunately it means your attention has to go to both. Often the older one needs more attention. Use all the family & friend support you can. Do you have anyone who can come over while your home and play/watch the older child so you can have down time with #2 and/or watch the baby so you can spend one on one time with child #1? I was lucky to be able to do that a lot after dd first arrived and it really helped. I hate having others help me but it was really a time when you have to take a step back and let people do things for you.

Good Luck! I hope things get better soon!

[fortato]

Alicia,
I'm a little late to this, I'm sorry.

I understand how you feel. There isn't enough time in a day, but you are doing your best, and you are a terrific mother. Every second you spend with her is quality time. Even if it isn't hours on end.
Remember... it's quality not quantity.
You're doing great, hang in there.

We're here if you need us!

Kristen

[Jo..]

I'm late to this too...I need to come over to bitching more often. Alicia, you are a FABULOUS mama and you know that it will all come together. We all feel like you do sometimes (or most of the time)!
Whenever I put Adam down for a SECOND, he howls, and I think I am the worst mother on the planet. Babies just DO that to us, no matter what we feel guilty. We never feel like we give enough, even when we give 100% at the expense of our own health and sanity. I think (hope, pray) that it gets better after 3 or 4 months. In the meantime, we just muddle through as best we can, and have faith that the time to just ENJOY the baby will be there when he or she needs it most! Hugs.

[Jo..]

I'm late to this too...I need to come over to bitching more often. Alicia, you are a FABULOUS mama and you know that it will all come together. We all feel like you do sometimes (or most of the time)!
Whenever I put Adam down for a SECOND, he howls, and I think I am the worst mother on the planet. Babies just DO that to us, no matter what we feel guilty. We never feel like we give enough, even when we give 100% at the expense of our own health and sanity. I think (hope, pray) that it gets better after 3 or 4 months. In the meantime, we just muddle through as best we can, and have faith that the time to just ENJOY the baby will be there when he or she needs it most! Hugs.