Family Talking Behind My Back

[Raidra]

We live with my parents in a two-family house that my parents own. My aunt and my grandmother live two hours away and visit once or twice a month. My grandmother used to live with my parents, but when Colwyn was born and we were talking about all moving in together, she decided to move in with my aunt because she didn't want to live with a baby and a dog (yeah, that made me feel great).

So, whenever they come up to visit, they always make nasty comments about how we keep the house. Now, my mom is a total neat freak, so it amazes me that they can find things to complain about. I, on the other hand, am not a neat freak.. how could I be with two little boys and a dog? But my house is never dirty, just cluttered and usually a bit dog-hairy. This past Saturday was Colwyn's birthday party, and of course they showed up. So I guess that they were making nasty comments at a special occasion kind of makes it worse for me. Some of the things they said..

My mom mentioned that she had been up late washing the carpet downstairs, and my grandmother said, "You washed this floor?!" And when my grandmother saw two flies buzzing around, "I can't believe you have flies! That is so unsanitary! They are the dirtiest disease carrying bugs ever! And you should see the flies upstairs!"

About my house, she said, "God, if you guys ever have to sell the house, you're going to have to do SO much work upstairs." And also, "What, Rachel can't clean the house while the kids are napping? What is she doing all day?" And more similar comments.

When my grandmother was younger, her house was always filthy. When my father would go over there to take my mother out, he'd find the sink full of brown water and cigarette butts. It's only semi-recently (say, within the last 15 years or so) that she's started keeping her house cleaner.

Everything is always said to my mother when nobody else is around. They do this with other things, too.. for a long time they were convinced that teaching Colwyn ASL was responsible for his expressive language delay. They talked to my mom about it a lot, but never said anything to me. My mom tries to stand up for me, but ends up just making excuses. For example, to the comment about what I'm doing all day, she said, "Well, Rachel is always taking them out here and there, it's exhausting." Which, I think, totally misses the point.

My aunt also told my mother's father (their parents are divorced) about my mother's money issues, which I think was totally out of line and inappropriate.

So not only do I think that they're completely rude and out of line to be making those comments at all, but they're also doing it behind my back. If they have a problem with something I'm doing (or not doing), they should talk to me and leave my mom out of it. She won't tell them to mind their own business, and I'd love the chance.

There was also a big incident with them lying to my parents about some money stuff this weekend, too, and to the point where my dad was planning on writing them a letter telling them that they're not welcome at our house anymore if this crap continues.

Anyway. I would really like to say something either in email (my grandmother and I email each other every so often) or next time I talk to them on the phone. But I don't know if it would do any good other than make me feel better, so I'm not sure if it's worth it. My husband says it's not. What I'd like to say is something along the lines of, "I'd really appreciate if you didn't talk about me behind my back. I was under the impression that good Christians didn't do that sort of thing. If you have a problem with me, you should talk to me about it, not my mother." My aunt is very religious, teaches Sunday school, etc, yet she does this sort of thing, and is even trying to seduce a married man. Which is a whole 'nother story. :)

So what do you guys think?

[trumansmom]

Well, clearly it is wrong for you to be criticized behind your back. However, what I kept wondering was why the heck your mother found it necessary to share that with you? She knows you're going to be hurt by it, and she knows what your grandmother says is nuts, so why did she pass is along? I would almost have more issue with her than with your grandmother.

I would let it drop with your grandmother unless she says something to you directly.

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[jgriffin]

If I were in your position, I'd probably not say anything to my grandmother or aunt, since they hadn't said anything to me. Or if I did, I'd just pick one or two topics (like I heard what you thought about ASL, and just wanted to let you know that studies have shown it's helpful, etc etc). Even if you do confront them about everything, they're in the habit of gossiping, which is unlikely to end. But I would say something to my mother, especially if the comments were particularly hurtful. Something like that you'd appreciate it if she not pass along the comments, that you'd just rather not know (if this is the case).

The lying incident, well, is different, and goes beyond just being rude I think.

[Saartje]

I would speak up. I wouldn't do it in email, though; that seems kind of impersonal. As uncomfortable as this could be, I'd do it the next time I saw them in person. "In the future, if you've got a problem with something I'm doing or not doing, I'd appreciate it if you speak to me directly about it rather than talking about it with other people." Something along those lines.