WWYD? Another MIL b!tch. Pun intended. (LONG)

[wencit]

OK, you might want to get a bottle of water and put your feet up on a chair, because this is going to be really LONG.

First of all, if you hear on the news that some lady went ballistic and killed her mother-in-law, that would be me. Do inmates get computer access in prison? Because I would miss y'all if they didn't.

Anyways, where to begin? Some of you may already know the back story regarding my son's middle name when he was born. Basically, I'm Korean, DH is Chinese. We gave DS a -- gasp -- Korean middle name when he was born, and MIL was so offended that she threw a complete fit and threatened to disown us. During the whole incident, she also made some culturally insensitive comments like, "China is a rising superpower. When the baby goes to China, everyone is going to know he's Korean because he has a Korean middle name." MIL later backpedaled and said she only made those remarks in anger, but to me, they clearly indicated how she really felt about Koreans. To me, it's analogous to a Caucasian calling an African American the N-word, but then apologizing and saying that the comment was made only in anger. Um, no, sorry, but I don't accept that. I think that remark showed MIL's true colors.

To be completely honest with you, I have never forgiven her for those comments, or for the whole naming incident. She took what was supposed to be the happiest days of my life and turned it into a nightmare, just because we (I) wouldn't do what she wanted us to do. Not only that, but she exposed herself to be a bit of a racist.

So anyways, fast forward to now. DH and I are currently looking for a nanny for our son. We went to a professional agency, but those nannies charge an arm and a leg, and we were thinking about any possible cheaper options. MIL suggested placing an ad in the Chinese newspaper. At that time, it kind of bothered me that she didn't also suggest placing an ad in the Korean newspaper, too, but I let it go. After all, she runs a Chinese newspaper, so maybe it didn't occur to her that Koreans might read the paper, too. After the whole fiasco that happened with DS's name, you might think she'd be a little more sensitive and diplomatic about the whole Korean vs Chinese issue, but whatever. I didn't want to make a big stink about it, but DH and I agreed that we'd also place an ad in the Korean paper.

Anyways, since he can't write Chinese, DH asked his mom to translate and give him an ad to place. I did the same with my dad, but through a misunderstanding, DH thought I asked my dad to place the ad without even consulting him about what should be written. DH then proceeded to scream at me about not including him in the entire process and trying to "go behind his back." (Not true -- I asked my dad to wait to place it until I could talk to my husband. DH later realized his mistake and apologized.) MIL, on the other hand, wrote out an ad, sent it to DH to review, then decided he was taking too long to get back to her (less than a few hours, may I point out), and immediately SENT IT IN to the Chinese newspaper without even consulting us to verify that what she had written was correct. This, after DH had screamed and yelled at me when he thought I had done the same thing.

I was pissed, and DH was basically eating crow. What right did MIL have to go and place an ad without even consulting us about the details in said advertisement?! For all I know, she could have written, "Chinese-speaking only nanny wanted." I had a sneaking suspicion MIL was really eager to have a Chinese nanny. After all, she was the one who first brought up the suggestion about placing an ad in the Chinese paper to begin with. At this point, I'm steaming and DH admits that what his mother did was wrong. He calls and talks to her, during which she says she was just trying to help us (uh huh), but promises not to do it again.

Moving on to the next day. MIL calls DH and proceeds to dictate to him every single question we should ask our nanny.....including some things like whether she's from China or Taiwan, and if she's from China, what province she's from. I just could not believe the balls on this woman! Does she not think that DH and I are capable enough to come up with questions on our own?! And who dictates this kind of crap from 3000 miles away?! Furthermore, even if we do know what Chinese province our nanny is from, WHAT does that even matter as to whether she will be a good provider for our son?! Say we find out she is from the XXX province. How are we supposed to act upon that information??? Personally, I think it shows that MIL even has elitist tendencies towards Chinese people, too.

Anyways, DH became enraged at this point and started yelling at his mom about the same things I just stated above. Oh yeah, she also said that if there is a Chinese nanny who has lots of experience but couldn't speak a whit of English, that it was still OK. DH yelled at her and told her it was NOT OK. How would she like it if we found a Korean nanny who had a lot of experience but couldn't speak a whit of English?! And you know what? She had nothing to say to that. Nothing. Silence on her end. MIL was so shocked that we would even consider a Korean nanny that she couldn't even find the words to speak. Her silence, to me, just spoke volumes.

DH and I talked it over that night. He agreed to call his mom the next day and tell her to butt out of our lives. He agreed that she was overstepping her boundaries, and she needed to know that if we need her help, we'll call her, but we're sick of hearing her "suggestions." Well, DH called me after his conversation with his mom and actually started yelling at ME. He said that I wasn't giving his mom a chance, and that she was really doing all these things with our best interests at heart. He said I needed to trust her. Apparently MIL started crying on the phone with him, and IMO, I believe DH began to feel sorry for her and started to turn against me. He wants us to listen to her "suggestions," but have them go in one ear and out the other. Kinda like appeasing his mom by telling her, "OK, whatever you say," but not really doing what she says. I'm sorry, but I object to this. I DO NOT want her to think that she has ANY SAY in my life. I mean, what is wrong with this woman?! I don't tell her what she "should" do with her life, why on earth does she think it's OK to tell me what I should do with mine?!

So now I have two issues. First, I'm dealing with the interfering MIL issue. I guess that's kind of between me and DH, but I really feel like he is supposed to be on my side. We're husband and wife. I'm sorry, but it is my belief that your spouse comes before your parent. If he believes the parent comes first, he should have stayed with his mom and never married me. I am seriously at my wit's end with DH and MIL's manipulative behavior. Truly. I can not live my life with three people in my bed, so to speak.

I guess my marriage issue is a little besides the point. I also have the whole nanny issue to deal with. The problem is, we found a Chinese lady who isn't completely objectionable to me. Apparently she was a preschool teacher in China and now takes care of a child in her home. I can communicate with her in English, although certainly not very well at all, which worries me a bit. She seemed to like DS well enough. She was willing to accept our salary, at least for a little while. But here is the problem I'm having. I feel like if I hire a Chinese nanny, I'll be "giving in" to MIL's demands, and she will have "won" this battle. There, I said it. I'm an awful, awful person. I know it's stupid and wrong to think of it that way, but I can't help it, given the tumultuous Korean vs Chinese battles we've had. Cultural differences were never, ever, ever an issue between me and DH until DS was born and MIL started this whole ordeal. But my personality is that if someone pushes me too hard on an issue, I'm going to fight back even harder. On the other hand, I kind of feel like my hatred of MIL is clouding my judgment.

Unfortunately, we have no Korean nanny candidates right now, and my mom said she'd take care of DS only until we found a suitable nanny. For various reasons, I'd like to relieve my mom of nanny duties ASAP. However, I don't want to hire someone too quickly, simply in my haste to find a new nanny. Also, the older DS gets, the more difficult it will be to switch caregivers because he will get attached to them. However, I feel that if we hire a Chinese nanny, I will always resent it. I know that's not the most mature behavior, and I fully admit that it's wrong, but that's honestly how I feel.

Ugh, what do I do? Should I give this Chinese nanny a chance? Wait a little while longer for any possible Korean nannies to come forth? (It's currently Week 1 of a 2-week printing run.) Go the Craigslist route? Suck it up and go the professional route? Right now, an extra $900/month doesn't seem too much of a price to pay for a professional who will meet all of our qualifications!!!

If you've gotten this far, thanks. Please help me sort out all these crazy emotions and help me make the best decision for my son. Be honest. You can tell me I'm overreacting and totally irrational. You can tell me I'm being too hard on my MIL. You can tell me I'm immature and selfish. I just want to hear any insight you might have.

Edited to remove an offensive word

[wencit]

OK, you might want to get a bottle of water and put your feet up on a chair, because this is going to be really LONG.

First of all, if you hear on the news that some lady went ballistic and killed her mother-in-law, that would be me. Do inmates get computer access in prison? Because I would miss y'all if they didn't.

Anyways, where to begin? Some of you may already know the back story regarding my son's middle name when he was born. Basically, I'm Korean, DH is Chinese. We gave DS a -- gasp -- Korean middle name when he was born, and MIL was so offended that she threw a complete fit and threatened to disown us. During the whole incident, she also made some culturally insensitive comments like, "China is a rising superpower. When the baby goes to China, everyone is going to know he's Korean because he has a Korean middle name." MIL later backpedaled and said she only made those remarks in anger, but to me, they clearly indicated how she really felt about Koreans. To me, it's analogous to a Caucasian calling an African American the N-word, but then apologizing and saying that the comment was made only in anger. Um, no, sorry, but I don't accept that. I think that remark showed MIL's true colors.

To be completely honest with you, I have never forgiven her for those comments, or for the whole naming incident. She took what was supposed to be the happiest days of my life and turned it into a nightmare, just because we (I) wouldn't do what she wanted us to do. Not only that, but she exposed herself to be a bit of a racist.

So anyways, fast forward to now. DH and I are currently looking for a nanny for our son. We went to a professional agency, but those nannies charge an arm and a leg, and we were thinking about any possible cheaper options. MIL suggested placing an ad in the Chinese newspaper. At that time, it kind of bothered me that she didn't also suggest placing an ad in the Korean newspaper, too, but I let it go. After all, she runs a Chinese newspaper, so maybe it didn't occur to her that Koreans might read the paper, too. After the whole fiasco that happened with DS's name, you might think she'd be a little more sensitive and diplomatic about the whole Korean vs Chinese issue, but whatever. I didn't want to make a big stink about it, but DH and I agreed that we'd also place an ad in the Korean paper.

Anyways, since he can't write Chinese, DH asked his mom to translate and give him an ad to place. I did the same with my dad, but through a misunderstanding, DH thought I asked my dad to place the ad without even consulting him about what should be written. DH then proceeded to scream at me about not including him in the entire process and trying to "go behind his back." (Not true -- I asked my dad to wait to place it until I could talk to my husband. DH later realized his mistake and apologized.) MIL, on the other hand, wrote out an ad, sent it to DH to review, then decided he was taking too long to get back to her (less than a few hours, may I point out), and immediately SENT IT IN to the Chinese newspaper without even consulting us to verify that what she had written was correct. This, after DH had screamed and yelled at me when he thought I had done the same thing.

I was pissed, and DH was basically eating crow. What right did MIL have to go and place an ad without even consulting us about the details in said advertisement?! For all I know, she could have written, "Chinese-speaking only nanny wanted." I had a sneaking suspicion MIL was really eager to have a Chinese nanny. After all, she was the one who first brought up the suggestion about placing an ad in the Chinese paper to begin with. At this point, I'm steaming and DH admits that what his mother did was wrong. He calls and talks to her, during which she says she was just trying to help us (uh huh), but promises not to do it again.

Moving on to the next day. MIL calls DH and proceeds to dictate to him every single question we should ask our nanny.....including some things like whether she's from China or Taiwan, and if she's from China, what province she's from. I just could not believe the balls on this woman! Does she not think that DH and I are capable enough to come up with questions on our own?! And who dictates this kind of crap from 3000 miles away?! Furthermore, even if we do know what Chinese province our nanny is from, WHAT does that even matter as to whether she will be a good provider for our son?! Say we find out she is from the XXX province. How are we supposed to act upon that information??? Personally, I think it shows that MIL even has elitist tendencies towards Chinese people, too.

Anyways, DH became enraged at this point and started yelling at his mom about the same things I just stated above. Oh yeah, she also said that if there is a Chinese nanny who has lots of experience but couldn't speak a whit of English, that it was still OK. DH yelled at her and told her it was NOT OK. How would she like it if we found a Korean nanny who had a lot of experience but couldn't speak a whit of English?! And you know what? She had nothing to say to that. Nothing. Silence on her end. MIL was so shocked that we would even consider a Korean nanny that she couldn't even find the words to speak. Her silence, to me, just spoke volumes.

DH and I talked it over that night. He agreed to call his mom the next day and tell her to butt out of our lives. He agreed that she was overstepping her boundaries, and she needed to know that if we need her help, we'll call her, but we're sick of hearing her "suggestions." Well, DH called me after his conversation with his mom and actually started yelling at ME. He said that I wasn't giving his mom a chance, and that she was really doing all these things with our best interests at heart. He said I needed to trust her. Apparently MIL started crying on the phone with him, and IMO, I believe DH began to feel sorry for her and started to turn against me. He wants us to listen to her "suggestions," but have them go in one ear and out the other. Kinda like appeasing his mom by telling her, "OK, whatever you say," but not really doing what she says. I'm sorry, but I object to this. I DO NOT want her to think that she has ANY SAY in my life. I mean, what is wrong with this woman?! I don't tell her what she "should" do with her life, why on earth does she think it's OK to tell me what I should do with mine?!

So now I have two issues. First, I'm dealing with the interfering MIL issue. I guess that's kind of between me and DH, but I really feel like he is supposed to be on my side. We're husband and wife. I'm sorry, but it is my belief that your spouse comes before your parent. If he believes the parent comes first, he should have stayed with his mom and never married me. I am seriously at my wit's end with DH and MIL's manipulative behavior. Truly. I can not live my life with three people in my bed, so to speak.

I guess my marriage issue is a little besides the point. I also have the whole nanny issue to deal with. The problem is, we found a Chinese lady who isn't completely objectionable to me. Apparently she was a preschool teacher in China and now takes care of a child in her home. I can communicate with her in English, although certainly not very well at all, which worries me a bit. She seemed to like DS well enough. She was willing to accept our salary, at least for a little while. But here is the problem I'm having. I feel like if I hire a Chinese nanny, I'll be "giving in" to MIL's demands, and she will have "won" this battle. There, I said it. I'm an awful, awful person. I know it's stupid and wrong to think of it that way, but I can't help it, given the tumultuous Korean vs Chinese battles we've had. Cultural differences were never, ever, ever an issue between me and DH until DS was born and MIL started this whole ordeal. But my personality is that if someone pushes me too hard on an issue, I'm going to fight back even harder. On the other hand, I kind of feel like my hatred of MIL is clouding my judgment.

Unfortunately, we have no Korean nanny candidates right now, and my mom said she'd take care of DS only until we found a suitable nanny. For various reasons, I'd like to relieve my mom of nanny duties ASAP. However, I don't want to hire someone too quickly, simply in my haste to find a new nanny. Also, the older DS gets, the more difficult it will be to switch caregivers because he will get attached to them. However, I feel that if we hire a Chinese nanny, I will always resent it. I know that's not the most mature behavior, and I fully admit that it's wrong, but that's honestly how I feel.

Ugh, what do I do? Should I give this Chinese nanny a chance? Wait a little while longer for any possible Korean nannies to come forth? (It's currently Week 1 of a 2-week printing run.) Go the Craigslist route? Suck it up and go the professional route? Right now, an extra $900/month doesn't seem too much of a price to pay for a professional who will meet all of our qualifications!!!

If you've gotten this far, thanks. Please help me sort out all these crazy emotions and help me make the best decision for my son. Be honest. You can tell me I'm overreacting and totally irrational. You can tell me I'm being too hard on my MIL. You can tell me I'm immature and selfish. I just want to hear any insight you might have.

Edited to remove an offensive word

[buddyleebaby]

My MIL's reaction when dh announced pur engagement:
"You know better than that. Stick to what your country produces."
I feel your pain.

Bottom line, though, you should hire whoever you feel is the best candidate to care for your son. It has nothing to do with your MIL. Who care what she thinks or whther or not she feels as if she has "won"? The important thing is that YOU have found someone you feel you can trust. If that is not the case, I would wait.

[buddyleebaby]

My MIL's reaction when dh announced pur engagement:
"You know better than that. Stick to what your country produces."
I feel your pain.

Bottom line, though, you should hire whoever you feel is the best candidate to care for your son. It has nothing to do with your MIL. Who care what she thinks or whther or not she feels as if she has "won"? The important thing is that YOU have found someone you feel you can trust. If that is not the case, I would wait.

[BaileyBea]

I agree w/PP. Hire someone on who they are and whether or not they are the best for your son.

Here's an idea: Yes, hire the Chinese nanny if you like her and is good w/your son. Then look into getting into a Korean playgroup or pre-school for your DS.

The point is that he needs to learn about both cultures equally. I'm sure he'll meet other kids that are 1/2 Korean/Chinese. That experience would be great for him.

Good luck. Stay away from your MIL for a while to clear the air.

[BaileyBea]

I agree w/PP. Hire someone on who they are and whether or not they are the best for your son.

Here's an idea: Yes, hire the Chinese nanny if you like her and is good w/your son. Then look into getting into a Korean playgroup or pre-school for your DS.

The point is that he needs to learn about both cultures equally. I'm sure he'll meet other kids that are 1/2 Korean/Chinese. That experience would be great for him.

Good luck. Stay away from your MIL for a while to clear the air.

[Nicsmom]

I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL is very manipulative and I have to admit I would hate to let her "win". In your position I would wait another week to see if a good Korean nanny shows up, or another Chinese nanny who you like more than this one (i.e speaks English better). If by the end of the week this one is the best nanny, hire the Chinese nanny but don't think of her as your MIL's choice, you have to feel that she was YOUR choice. And I agree with the PP, if you hire the Chinese nanny you can always get into a Korean playgroup or preschool.

[Nicsmom]

I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL is very manipulative and I have to admit I would hate to let her "win". In your position I would wait another week to see if a good Korean nanny shows up, or another Chinese nanny who you like more than this one (i.e speaks English better). If by the end of the week this one is the best nanny, hire the Chinese nanny but don't think of her as your MIL's choice, you have to feel that she was YOUR choice. And I agree with the PP, if you hire the Chinese nanny you can always get into a Korean playgroup or preschool.

[kcandz]

I echo these points. When you say the Chinese candidate "isn't completely objectionable" - is that based in comparison to other candidates from the Chinese newspaper ad, or in relation to the Agency candidates? Because that phrase seems, er, less than enthusiastic for someone for your DC. Plus, it sounds like the English issue and rate "is OK for now" is not going to set you up for long-term success. Are you under time pressure to choose someone? Are you due back at work and just need someone relatively trustworthy to buy yourself time to pursue a better option?

From the words in your post, it seems as though you aren't crazy about this candidate no matter what ad or agency she came from, so maybe you should keep looking? Maybe make a list of things that are important, in order of importance? Like, is rate more important than English? That kind of thing.

And your MIL/DH. Wow, he is caught in a power struggle between the two most important women in his life, eh? I don't know what advice to offer here, other than trying to find a constructive method for your DH to realize who he lives with every day, creating his own new family and life with, might be where his priorities should lie. I am very much in favor of "wife and new family always win" but if he doesn't have the tools to stand up to his controlling mother, that is tricky. I'm big on setting boundaries with parents/in-laws when they try to control their adult children. Does he know where his boundaries lie? Could you help him find them in a neutral way?

[kcandz]

I echo these points. When you say the Chinese candidate "isn't completely objectionable" - is that based in comparison to other candidates from the Chinese newspaper ad, or in relation to the Agency candidates? Because that phrase seems, er, less than enthusiastic for someone for your DC. Plus, it sounds like the English issue and rate "is OK for now" is not going to set you up for long-term success. Are you under time pressure to choose someone? Are you due back at work and just need someone relatively trustworthy to buy yourself time to pursue a better option?

From the words in your post, it seems as though you aren't crazy about this candidate no matter what ad or agency she came from, so maybe you should keep looking? Maybe make a list of things that are important, in order of importance? Like, is rate more important than English? That kind of thing.

And your MIL/DH. Wow, he is caught in a power struggle between the two most important women in his life, eh? I don't know what advice to offer here, other than trying to find a constructive method for your DH to realize who he lives with every day, creating his own new family and life with, might be where his priorities should lie. I am very much in favor of "wife and new family always win" but if he doesn't have the tools to stand up to his controlling mother, that is tricky. I'm big on setting boundaries with parents/in-laws when they try to control their adult children. Does he know where his boundaries lie? Could you help him find them in a neutral way?

[kakohler]

Turn the tables on him! Ask him how he would like it if your mother started on about how anything Korean is better than Chinese and would have fits if you don't do as she "suggests"? Wouldn't he completely resent their interference? Luckily, your MIL is far away - let's hope she stays that way!

[kakohler]

Turn the tables on him! Ask him how he would like it if your mother started on about how anything Korean is better than Chinese and would have fits if you don't do as she "suggests"? Wouldn't he completely resent their interference? Luckily, your MIL is far away - let's hope she stays that way!

[Edensmum]

First,you need to feel really comfortable with the person caring for your child. I would list in Craiglist and look at agency candidates. Why not shop around all possibilities so you can do better than "Not completely objectionable."
I would require clear English in a nanny personally as this is an area in which I would not want any miscommunication.
As far as your MIL, she loves DH and DC she is too controling but she is trying to care for her loved ones, so I would try to look at it that way , it may help you have less stress. She and DH are out of line in thinking you need to tell her you will take all of her suggestions.
Dh needs to stand up for his family in this.
Further I have to say your use of the word "retarded" is very offensive.
Eden 9/04

[Edensmum]

First,you need to feel really comfortable with the person caring for your child. I would list in Craiglist and look at agency candidates. Why not shop around all possibilities so you can do better than "Not completely objectionable."
I would require clear English in a nanny personally as this is an area in which I would not want any miscommunication.
As far as your MIL, she loves DH and DC she is too controling but she is trying to care for her loved ones, so I would try to look at it that way , it may help you have less stress. She and DH are out of line in thinking you need to tell her you will take all of her suggestions.
Dh needs to stand up for his family in this.
Further I have to say your use of the word "retarded" is very offensive.
Eden 9/04

[kedss]

Hi-

I can totally sympathize with you. My MIL is Icelandic, and her way of dealing with family is very different than mine. My family has been very hands off about how I raise my son. She isn't. My inlaws have been living with us for 5 months, and I have let a lot of little things go, but when she went behind my back to my mom and my 81 year old grandmother to say that my son needed to be in daycare, I just about went ballistic, but I was good. Then a few weeks later sh ecomes home after being out with my son all day, and tells me all about this great coop that we can walk to, and I let her have it. She just didn't get it, that I knew about all the daycares in town and that our problem was we couldn't afford it at this point. And that it wasn't her business anyway. My poor Fil had to walk outside because we were going at it so hard.

Well, they will be leaving soon, and I think things are better since we had it out.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know ya ain't alone sister! ;)
(Yes this is the very shory version of the last 5 months, LOL)

I would give the Chinese nanny a shot, and see how it goes, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I would show your MIL that you can be a bigger person than she is. It is hard on your DH to be caught in the middle, I know that my DH doesn't really understand his mom and he doesn't get why I don't find her funny and let it go. He isn't a woman, he's just a guy stuck between two women. LOL

Big hugs

[kedss]

Hi-

I can totally sympathize with you. My MIL is Icelandic, and her way of dealing with family is very different than mine. My family has been very hands off about how I raise my son. She isn't. My inlaws have been living with us for 5 months, and I have let a lot of little things go, but when she went behind my back to my mom and my 81 year old grandmother to say that my son needed to be in daycare, I just about went ballistic, but I was good. Then a few weeks later sh ecomes home after being out with my son all day, and tells me all about this great coop that we can walk to, and I let her have it. She just didn't get it, that I knew about all the daycares in town and that our problem was we couldn't afford it at this point. And that it wasn't her business anyway. My poor Fil had to walk outside because we were going at it so hard.

Well, they will be leaving soon, and I think things are better since we had it out.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know ya ain't alone sister! ;)
(Yes this is the very shory version of the last 5 months, LOL)

I would give the Chinese nanny a shot, and see how it goes, and if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. I would show your MIL that you can be a bigger person than she is. It is hard on your DH to be caught in the middle, I know that my DH doesn't really understand his mom and he doesn't get why I don't find her funny and let it go. He isn't a woman, he's just a guy stuck between two women. LOL

Big hugs

[wencit]

>Here's an idea: Yes, hire the Chinese nanny if you like her
>and is good w/your son. Then look into getting into a Korean
>playgroup or pre-school for your DS.

Hmmm, that's one idea if we end up hiring a Chinese nanny. I never even thought of that.

Thanks for the suggestion!

[wencit]

>Here's an idea: Yes, hire the Chinese nanny if you like her
>and is good w/your son. Then look into getting into a Korean
>playgroup or pre-school for your DS.

Hmmm, that's one idea if we end up hiring a Chinese nanny. I never even thought of that.

Thanks for the suggestion!

[ColorBlue]

"He wants us to listen to her "suggestions," but have them go in one ear and out the other. Kinda like appeasing his mom by telling her, "OK, whatever you say," but not really doing what she says."

I guess I don't see what is wrong with his suggestion. He is not saying to do what she says. He has suggested a compromise position and I maybe you ought to consider it. Smile and make nice might hurt a bit but in the long run it will be a much smoother ride for your marriage. Sometimes someone has to step up and be the grown up and your MIL is obviously not going to do it and nothing you can do can make her do it, unfortunately you are going to have to do it.

Tracy

Mama to three girls, my big kindergartener Grace 11/01, and my babies Ella and Madeline 10/04.

[ColorBlue]

"He wants us to listen to her "suggestions," but have them go in one ear and out the other. Kinda like appeasing his mom by telling her, "OK, whatever you say," but not really doing what she says."

I guess I don't see what is wrong with his suggestion. He is not saying to do what she says. He has suggested a compromise position and I maybe you ought to consider it. Smile and make nice might hurt a bit but in the long run it will be a much smoother ride for your marriage. Sometimes someone has to step up and be the grown up and your MIL is obviously not going to do it and nothing you can do can make her do it, unfortunately you are going to have to do it.

Tracy

Mama to three girls, my big kindergartener Grace 11/01, and my babies Ella and Madeline 10/04.

[wencit]

>Further I have to say your use of the word "retarded" is very
>offensive.

My apologies for that! I wrote it without even thinking of the nuances of that word. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

[wencit]

>Further I have to say your use of the word "retarded" is very
>offensive.

My apologies for that! I wrote it without even thinking of the nuances of that word. Sorry, I didn't mean to offend anyone.

[wencit]

>I echo these points. When you say the Chinese candidate
>"isn't completely objectionable" - is that based in comparison
>to other candidates from the Chinese newspaper ad, or in
>relation to the Agency candidates? Because that phrase seems,
>er, less than enthusiastic for someone for your DC. Plus, it
>sounds like the English issue and rate "is OK for now" is not
>going to set you up for long-term success. Are you under time
>pressure to choose someone? Are you due back at work and just
>need someone relatively trustworthy to buy yourself time to
>pursue a better option?

The Chinese candidate isn't completely objectionable compared to the ones from the newspaper ads. A few of them never bothered to show up for scheduled interviews, and many of them can't speak any English outside of "hello" and "bye."

We did find a candidate from the agency that I really loved; unfortunately, she wanted more money than we were willing to pay. Since then, I haven't found someone else that I felt the same way about.

I'm already back at work, and my mom watches DS while I'm gone. However, she finds taking care of him a little too difficult. She says she'll watch him during our nanny search, but it's kind of a complicated situation, and it would really be better for everyone if she left soon (she currently lives with me and DH M-F).

[wencit]

>I echo these points. When you say the Chinese candidate
>"isn't completely objectionable" - is that based in comparison
>to other candidates from the Chinese newspaper ad, or in
>relation to the Agency candidates? Because that phrase seems,
>er, less than enthusiastic for someone for your DC. Plus, it
>sounds like the English issue and rate "is OK for now" is not
>going to set you up for long-term success. Are you under time
>pressure to choose someone? Are you due back at work and just
>need someone relatively trustworthy to buy yourself time to
>pursue a better option?

The Chinese candidate isn't completely objectionable compared to the ones from the newspaper ads. A few of them never bothered to show up for scheduled interviews, and many of them can't speak any English outside of "hello" and "bye."

We did find a candidate from the agency that I really loved; unfortunately, she wanted more money than we were willing to pay. Since then, I haven't found someone else that I felt the same way about.

I'm already back at work, and my mom watches DS while I'm gone. However, she finds taking care of him a little too difficult. She says she'll watch him during our nanny search, but it's kind of a complicated situation, and it would really be better for everyone if she left soon (she currently lives with me and DH M-F).

[egfmba]

I know it's hard, but drop your MIL out of it for 10 seconds.

Would you hire this nanny on her qualifications or would you keep looking? How many nannies have you interviewed? Is this the first? Never take the first, IMO. Interview at least 2, preferably more. This is your child's care. You have every right to demand the best you can find.

That said, if this woman is otherwise acceptable, hire her. MIL be damned. Your child takes precedent over her. If you happen to find a Korean nanny who is better, then that's what's best for your child. End of discussion. If you hire this one as a stop gap measure until someone better comes along, don't hesitate to fire her. All that matters is your child.

I think you and your dh should discuss mothers by taking the other person's perspective into consideration. You both have to try to view it from the other person's position so at least you can say you've considered it before this escalates into a war.

I've been living w/ a lying, manipulative MIL for 14 years (not actually with her, but she hasn't died yet). She won't show her true self to my dh so he thinks she's pudding and cream and all things kind and gentle. But she tells her family that she doesn't believe in mixed marriages. Guess who is the only child-in-law that's not completely, 100% her ethnicity? That's right, folks. Me. So what? That's her ignorance, and as long as I remember that old adage about fighting w/ a pig (the pig likes it), I just try to focus on doing what's right for my child. Sometimes I get petty and want to do things just to hurt her (but don't), and sometimes it's just a nice side-effect to the decisions I make that are in my child's best interests. Either way, if I focus on her too much, then I lose sight of what's important. And she's just not important!

I wish you luck with this. It's so very hard, and you have every right to deal with your family (and his relatives) in any manner necessary to insure your child is properly cared for.

e

ETA: I realized after writing it that this post comes out sounding harsh towards you. It's not meant that way. If I want to be harsh towards anyone, it's your MIL. She shouldn't be emotionally manipulative and cause damage to your marriage. I just wanted to say that the only way I've kept my sanity and marriage intact is to remember that my MIL is not where I should focus my energies. Maybe that will work for you. But, I also have to admit that there's a very fine line holding things together sometimes when she really gets her manipulating going, KWIM? Like I said, it's hard, but it's not your fault (even though you have to deal with the fallout). Hugs.

[egfmba]

I know it's hard, but drop your MIL out of it for 10 seconds.

Would you hire this nanny on her qualifications or would you keep looking? How many nannies have you interviewed? Is this the first? Never take the first, IMO. Interview at least 2, preferably more. This is your child's care. You have every right to demand the best you can find.

That said, if this woman is otherwise acceptable, hire her. MIL be damned. Your child takes precedent over her. If you happen to find a Korean nanny who is better, then that's what's best for your child. End of discussion. If you hire this one as a stop gap measure until someone better comes along, don't hesitate to fire her. All that matters is your child.

I think you and your dh should discuss mothers by taking the other person's perspective into consideration. You both have to try to view it from the other person's position so at least you can say you've considered it before this escalates into a war.

I've been living w/ a lying, manipulative MIL for 14 years (not actually with her, but she hasn't died yet). She won't show her true self to my dh so he thinks she's pudding and cream and all things kind and gentle. But she tells her family that she doesn't believe in mixed marriages. Guess who is the only child-in-law that's not completely, 100% her ethnicity? That's right, folks. Me. So what? That's her ignorance, and as long as I remember that old adage about fighting w/ a pig (the pig likes it), I just try to focus on doing what's right for my child. Sometimes I get petty and want to do things just to hurt her (but don't), and sometimes it's just a nice side-effect to the decisions I make that are in my child's best interests. Either way, if I focus on her too much, then I lose sight of what's important. And she's just not important!

I wish you luck with this. It's so very hard, and you have every right to deal with your family (and his relatives) in any manner necessary to insure your child is properly cared for.

e

ETA: I realized after writing it that this post comes out sounding harsh towards you. It's not meant that way. If I want to be harsh towards anyone, it's your MIL. She shouldn't be emotionally manipulative and cause damage to your marriage. I just wanted to say that the only way I've kept my sanity and marriage intact is to remember that my MIL is not where I should focus my energies. Maybe that will work for you. But, I also have to admit that there's a very fine line holding things together sometimes when she really gets her manipulating going, KWIM? Like I said, it's hard, but it's not your fault (even though you have to deal with the fallout). Hugs.

[wencit]

The problem with this is that I don't want MIL to think that's it's really OK for her to do that. I can see her asking DH why we haven't done such-and-such and then being hurt and crying when we don't do it.

It also feels a little dishonest to me to have someone believe you're going to do something when you have no intentions to do so.

[wencit]

The problem with this is that I don't want MIL to think that's it's really OK for her to do that. I can see her asking DH why we haven't done such-and-such and then being hurt and crying when we don't do it.

It also feels a little dishonest to me to have someone believe you're going to do something when you have no intentions to do so.

[wencit]

Hugs right back atcha, Kate! I can't believe you've been living with your in-laws for 5 months and still have the sanity to type out a coherent post. ;) You are a far more patient woman than I am. (Though I'll be the first person to admit that patience is NOT one of my strongest points!)

[wencit]

Hugs right back atcha, Kate! I can't believe you've been living with your in-laws for 5 months and still have the sanity to type out a coherent post. ;) You are a far more patient woman than I am. (Though I'll be the first person to admit that patience is NOT one of my strongest points!)

[AngelaS]

Personally, I'd hire a Japanese nanny just to really throw MIL into a tizzy. ;)

I'd hire the nanny you think is best for the job, regardless of their ethnicity. Then I'd tell dh to grow some balls and tell his mother to butt out of your child rearing decisions.

[AngelaS]

Personally, I'd hire a Japanese nanny just to really throw MIL into a tizzy. ;)

I'd hire the nanny you think is best for the job, regardless of their ethnicity. Then I'd tell dh to grow some balls and tell his mother to butt out of your child rearing decisions.

[niccig]

Go with who will be the best care giver for your child. If you're not sure about the Chinese nanny, then trust your instincts and look a little longer. I know you said you're in a hurry because you feel childcare is too much for your mother, but I would also think that your mum wants what's best for your child. So, ask her if it's OK to look for another week or two. If she says she really can't, then use the Chinese nanny, but keep looking for someone better.

As for your MIL, I agree that neither grandmother can interfere and that both you and DH should talk about what is or isn't interfering. Yes, they'll still give suggestions, both of our parents do, but it's just that. DH and I decide what will happen. I don't think you'll be able to stop her from making suggestions, but you don't have to do it, "thanks for the suggestion, we'll think about it." Or, "No, we didn't get the Chinese nanny as we found someone else that is much better for us." My mum is thousands of miles away and she disagrees with somethings we do with DS, I finally figured out that she won't know if I don't tell her. There are certain subjects I don't mention to her, and when she asks, "he's doing fine thanks". And I change the subject.

Good luck, I hope you can find a nanny who you adore.

Nicci

[niccig]

Go with who will be the best care giver for your child. If you're not sure about the Chinese nanny, then trust your instincts and look a little longer. I know you said you're in a hurry because you feel childcare is too much for your mother, but I would also think that your mum wants what's best for your child. So, ask her if it's OK to look for another week or two. If she says she really can't, then use the Chinese nanny, but keep looking for someone better.

As for your MIL, I agree that neither grandmother can interfere and that both you and DH should talk about what is or isn't interfering. Yes, they'll still give suggestions, both of our parents do, but it's just that. DH and I decide what will happen. I don't think you'll be able to stop her from making suggestions, but you don't have to do it, "thanks for the suggestion, we'll think about it." Or, "No, we didn't get the Chinese nanny as we found someone else that is much better for us." My mum is thousands of miles away and she disagrees with somethings we do with DS, I finally figured out that she won't know if I don't tell her. There are certain subjects I don't mention to her, and when she asks, "he's doing fine thanks". And I change the subject.

Good luck, I hope you can find a nanny who you adore.

Nicci

[SpaceGal]

Cam I just say that I totally get the Asian racism. My in-laws are not necessarily this way, but my mom is and it's annoying. I'll admit I joke about the racism a lot with DH...I'm Filipino/Taiwanese and he's Vietnamese...our child is a "mutt" so to speak...and we mean this in the most loving way but man I do know how deep those racism remarks and feelings run. I also know that with our parents it runs much deeper and it's hard not to dislike it. My mom says tons of offensive things about other Asian races and it drives me nuts. Being in a relationship like your is bound to encounter these moments of racist remarks from the in-laws and even from your own family at times. It's the hard transition to be a new generation and try to shed these stereotypes.

As for the nanny issue, pick the best person for the job...regardless of race, choose who works for you, your DH and most of all your DC.

As for your MIL and DH issues, that's a tough one. he will feel like he's pulled in both ways. He's probably non-traditional (hence why he's with you and happy) and traditional (why he feels guilt and stress when arguing with his mom). It's a hard balance, I know this from personal experience. The best thing to do I think is to let him sort out his parental issues on his own any more pulling/pushing on your end just makes for stressful times and issues. I say you are allowed to speak your mind to your DH but try to do it in the least defensive way, which I know is HARD given the situation...but if you were in his shoes think of it that way. We can't all have great parents that leave their children lead their lives as they become parents but no reason to break down what you and DH have because of her needs.

I hope this helps and hopefully you will have found a happy medium and of course a great nanny for you DC.

[kozachka]

While I totally understand where you are coming from (DH and I are of different religions), for the sake of your marriage and your child, you need to develop thicker skin. This might not be what you were hoping to hear but I'll say it anyway. It would not kill you to listen to what your MIL has to say and than do as you please. Better yet have DH do the listening since you might blow up despite better intentions. Somebody needs to behave like a mature adult and since your MIL is obviously not going to do it, you have a choice of doing it yourself or having it slowly erode your relationship.

As far as nanny is concerned, you say that "She was willing to accept our salary, at least for a little while". It sounds to me that if your salary is not acceptable to her in medium to long term and if you don't expect to be able to offer her a raise in the nearest future (after the first 2-3 months trial period), AND you are not happy with her English, than better keep looking. If you can avoid the whole Chinese vs. Korean nanny issue by hiring somebody American, or as suggested Japanese or even Russian (just NOT Chinese or Korean) than go for it. The important question should be whether she is a good nanny and not what province she is from.

[wencit]

Thanks, everyone. I read all your responses and appreciate all the insight. I truly do, even the ones I didn't want to hear. ;) Looking in the mirror is sometimes painful, isn't it?

Anyways, DH & I talked it over yesterday, and to my surprise, he actually came to the conclusion himself that he is too wishy-washy and wants to change. He admitted it was partly his fault that MIL kept pushing him on issues because he would leave things open-ended and give her the impression that it was OK for her to keep bugging us about them. His personality is that he always wants to please everybody, especially his parents, so it's difficult for him to stand up and say no to them sometimes. He realizes this is a problem and is working on a way to change it.

As for the nanny situation, I've calmed down a bit and will bring the Chinese nanny in to my home for a few days of evaluation. I figure it can't hurt. Based on how she does and how well I feel I can communicate with her in English, we'll take it from there. In the meantime, I'll probably keep looking for Mary Poppins.

Again, thank you all for your advice. It really helped me when you told me to step back, forget about MIL, and look at the big picture. I guess I need more practice in ignoring my MIL! ;)

[maestramommy]

Wow Erica, I'm really sorry to hear about your MIL. I've read your posts before, esp. the one regarding the middle name thing. All I can say is that ethnocentrism of that kind is very hard to combat. My parents are from Taiwan (native, not from the 1940's), so believe me when I saw I know what that's like.

Regarding the issue between you, DH and your MIL, I think you and DH probably need to have another conversation about the whole thing. You MIL is probably genuinely upset and offended. I know it sounds totally insane but when you're dealing with that generation, there are a lot of things they feel that are totally justified on their part even though you know it's irrational or even manipulative(don't ask how I know this). I think if you and you Dh can come to the same agreement about what you want to do, then tell your MIL as little as possible, that might be less trouble in the long run that an outright confrontation. As long as you and your DH are united, that's the important thing. What she thinks is your situation or your thoughts doesn't matter as much.

As for the nanny, I would wait for the 2nd week of the Korean ad run. It sounds like no matter what nanny you hire, that person has to speak English or there will be one of you that can't communicate with her, and that's not a good thing. Or if you can afford it, rerun the ad in both papers, with you and DH dictating the specifics this time, perhaps including the person has to be able to speak English. The requirements and interview questions MUST be decided on between you and Dh because after all, it's YOUR child.

Hope this isn't too long, and really hope you are able to resolve this peacefully with a good nanny.

[snowflake20]

You should hire the nanny that is right for you, and try not to have your antagonism towards your MIL taint your decisions.

I have to say, that Asian MILs are probably the worst. I am Chinese and I see how my sister in law is second fiddle to my mom at times. But, they get along pretty well. Your problem is that you are Korean and your husband is Chinese. Your MIL probably hates that!!! I think my parents would rather me marry any other race than non-Chinese Asians. There's nothing you can really do about it. Your MIL is from a different generation and culture than you and you'll just have to grin and bear it. You should have a conversation with your husband so he can back you up when he can.

Good luck, and I am sorry that you are going through this. I actually married a WASP so I don't have to deal with an asian MIL. However, to play devil's advocate, I really don't blame your MIL for wanting to perserve her Chinese heritage with her grandchildren. I am not saying that it is fair, but it's hard not to feel that way. I admit that when my baby was born, I was very happy that she looked more asian than caucasian. Is that selfish? Yes it is! Of course I would love my baby no matter what she looked liked, but I am secretly glad that she looks like her chinese mommy. And my parents are too.