Trying to keep my mouth shut (warning long)

[mapg]

My husband flew out of town last week and has been helping his sister whose husband is dying. He is at the end of a long battle with cancer. He may live a long time, he may only live a few days. He's not aware of his surroundings, so it involves a lot of time sitting in a hospital room on my husband's part. His sister doesn't want her husband left alone in the room, so my husband has been taking long shifts. He came home this weekend because he left on short notice and some things needed his attention. He's going back and doesn't know when he'll be home. I'm trying to be really nice about this. I understand why he feels he needs to do this. I have loads of family close by and they all pitch in to help. So here's my bitch. I know this is stressful, I know he's tired, but this is not the fault of our kids. He had only been home an hour and my 11 year old asked me if he was mad that he had to come home to see us. I told her no, that he was just tired from the flight. He was horrible, ignored the kids except when he was getting on to them, never even spoke to me. Two hours after he got in, they both went to bed without a fight, it was better than staying up. Once they were asleep, I told him he had to lighten up with them. He tried to justify the way he acted by blaming the kids, I cut that off, and pointed out that he knew these statements weren't true. After about ten minutes of him trying to make me say something ugly so this would be my fault (I kept control), I told him that we could adjust to his being gone, but we couldn't adjust to his being a different person when he came home. And I left it at that. But I am so hurt by his behavior. When I see my family, they will say bet everyone was excited, what time did the kids go to bed? The reality was so far from that.
Thanks,
MA

[dules]

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. How terribly stressful for your DH.

Good for you for reading the situation and not being baited into an argument with him. I wish I had that skill.

Not sure what to say about the kids. It's really inexcusable to treat them that way. Maybe next time he comes home you all could do something he can't avoid smiling about - a big WELCOME HOME DADDY banner and fresh cookies and milk when he comes inside? Then maybe the kids *do* go off to bed or to do something quiet so dad can get some rest and/or talk to mommy alone.

I don't know, just thinking out loud how to both make him respond well to the kids/brighten up a bit and make sure he gets a little time off after the stress and travel.

Again, I'm really sorry. It must be an incredibly difficult time for everyone.

Mary

[mapg]

He's seems a little better this morning. And it was a big production when he came home, the kids had decorated and helped with dinner, which was ignored. So I fed the kids and myself. He's like this anytime he spends time with his sister, so I had some idea of what was coming. Instead of telling he can't do something, he swallows it and is tense with us. He hadn't slept, hadn't exercised and was staying at a house that has booze and coffee and that is it. If you want food, go out to eat. Not a recipe for good mental health. so I'll get him together to go back up, and try not to say anything about the plane fares, cause I can't do anything about it.
Thanks,
MA

[kedss]

Big hugs, Mama-

I'm sorry this time is hard on your family, hopefully when your DH is home from whatever happens, he can get a lot more sleep, and become more human again.

He knows its not the kids fault, sounds like he felt the need to blame someone and the kids were an easy target, and he obviously wasn't himself.

All that aside, I'm sorry he was a jerk to you and the kids, and I hope he calls and apologizes when he realizes he was a jerk.

[oliviasmomma]

((((((HUGS))))))

I was going to say that death does strange things to people and that your kids are old enough to have a conversation about how hard it can be when someone dies. But above you said your DH is always like that (maybe not as bad?) after visiting his sister. That leads me to believe something else is going on here. I don't think now is the best time to bring it up, but it is probably a good idea to discuss it with him. When my DH is bothered by something in his family, it is like a black cloud follows him around--he is totally uncommunicative, grouchy, seems to wander off (at home--like he'll just get up and wordlessly go downstairs, etc), and is an overall pill to be around. Now I know when this happens that he is upset over his family and I call him out on it. It takes a lot to coax it out of him because his family is big on secrets--seriously, they don't even like to share where they had dinner the night before--and he just internalizes it.

I guess I'm wondering if the same thing happens to DH. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this, I can't imagine how crushed your kids were when he came home like that. I can deal with that stuff for me, but for DD's sake I would be fuming. Kudos to you for keeping your cool (I would have blown up)!! I hope the cloud lifts soon--I can't stand it when DH is like that.

[mapg]

He was better as the day went on, this is just his family and their really weird dynamics. He and his sister are the only ones left, but they aren't that close. Maybe go 2-3 years between visits and 6 months between speaking. But he thinks they are close and my family is just too intertwined. So gotta go, little one has a flu like illness