Feeling really crummy about money...

[bisous]

I guess I just really need to get this off my chest. My DH and I are broke. Beyond broke. In debt actually and constantly in danger of not being able to afford even things like gas or fruit. We're both students and we are in debt to the level of almost 100K and just three years ago we had double digit savings accounts and responsible jobs! While I try to stay optimistic about it, I'm even more worried for when we "finish" (this summer) knowing that as soon as DH lands a job it will go right back into paying for our killer loans.

I know in my heart that we are doing the right thing. We both followed our dreams because we realized we would have to work for almost 40 years we might as well do what we really wanted to do. I just cannot get over the price of school, though and I hope that we aren't destitute forever. For some odd reason, poor at 20 is almost expected, poor at 30 is tolerable but poor at 60 is just sad...I sort of feel like every retired person deserves their own Cadillac and chronic golf habit.

I also feel really guilty about spending money if we ever do and I feel even worse about all the generous relatives that lavish it upon us. My wardrobe is almost entirely furnished by my mother and my MIL provides the whole family with memberships to Disneyland and the zoo. So I go to Disneyland several times a month (we manage not to spend a penny there) but can't hardly afford to eat decent food. It just seems so wrong to me. Am I totally awful, too, for eventually wanting nice things?

Sorry, it must just be mid-term stress rearing its ugly head. I feel tacky and needy talking about this to my friends or family IRL so it just feels good to get this off my chest.

Thanks for letting me vent,

JEN

[Laurel]

I wear very nice clothes and vacation in Vail and the Carribean because of my in-laws. We frequently run out of money before the end of the month, may never own a home and I don't know if we will ever pay off our student loans. I agree that it feels weird and I feel guilty about the generosity of others.

Anyway, didn't mean to hijack, but I know how you feel. It's so embarassing.

[firstbaby]

Oh, hugs to you mama! I admire you and DH pursuing your education now so that you can get into jobs that you both really want. I read a quote once that basically said that time will pass anyway so you should make good use of it - meaning, follow your dream even if it takes a little while to get there. Things will get better. I'm sure your relatives recognize your position with money and like to treat you to nice things. Especially since they know how responsible you are - it's not like you are using student loan money to indulge in things. Hang in there and good luck with mid terms!

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry. I feel badly about your money stress, I have tons right now, too. At least yours is due to something admirable that will make your families future brighter and not lack of self-control at the mall!

I don't think you should feel guilty about the generosity of your children's grandparents, though. I mean, if you go to them and ask for Disneyland passes and other completely frivolous things over asking for grocery gift cards, that is one thing and I doubt what you are doing. If they are just offering and gifting to them, let them lavish the grandkids! They are probably just doing what *they* would have wished to do for their own kids when they were young and broke.

And Kudos to you on the not-a-penny at Disneyland thing! We also had passes, until Ds started school. The cheapest I ever managed to spend was about $20. I did bring most of our food, but always would need to pick up water here or coffee there.

[DrSally]

Hi, I don't know what profession you guys are in, but if it's the healthcare profession if you serve in underserved areas you can get some of your loans "forgiven" (don't know the details). Also, if you are a woman and end up doing primarily research, you can get a good portion of your loans "forgiven" via NIH (I think). I have a friend I interned with that is doing this. She also racked up serious grad school loand and felt like they'd never be able to buy a house, etc. Just ideas. Hopefully, congress will pass some legislation to lower the interest rate of student loans. I know the feeling though, you follow your heart by going to grad school, but it doesn't really pay off financially in terms of time and effort spent.

[bisous]

Thank you for responding. :) I know what you mean about embarrassing--I always like I have to explain why I have nice clothes, a house full of toys, Disney passes etc. yet I qualify for turbo financial aid and scholarships. It's nice to know we're not alone there!

[bisous]

Thank you for the cyberhugs! It's amazing how good it can make you feel.

[bisous]

You are right about the grandparents. They have disney passes too and I know it brings them lots of joy to experience that with us. I hear you--Disney is amazing at extracting money from people. I now bring lots of fresh fruit because it always looks so tempting in those little carts and they charge like $4 for an apple--outrageous! Seriously, my DH can't believe how big my Disneyland bag is or how long it takes me to pack it but it has paid off many times over.

Thank you for taking time to reply to my vent--it makes me feel so much better!

[bisous]

I am working toward getting my doctorate in History and I am aware of a few schools that forgive loans when you teach there. It just seems like forever away and actually getting those positions is somewhat difficult.

My wonderful DH is at an art school. This is one of our main issues. He is brilliant and talented and going to a great (but terrifically expensive) school. While I know in my heart that my DH will do whatever it takes to be financially responsible upon graduation, I can't help being a little nervous about that whole "starving artist" concept!

Thank you for helping me think outside the box about loans though! We're committed to making this work but sometimes it just seems so hard. It's nice to have cyber friends. :)

[DrSally]

Oh, I see. Yes, grad school in the humanities is difficut financially. Hopefully you'll get a teaching position in a nice town with a verrry low cost of living. That should help!

ETA: Sounds like you have a wonderful, understanding family as well. Just think of the alternative, if you were totally on your own financially for "entertainment" type stuff for the kids. This way the impact on them is much less and your family gets to feel good about helping you.

[candybomiller]

Jen,

You are not alone. Yesterday dh and I retained our attorney to file for bankruptcy. It's a long and convoluted story, but believe me, you are NOT alone.

[dules]

If it helps....we have friends who are an artist and SAHM couple with three kids. They have the BEST quality of life and the DH has a nice, lucrative, flexible business that allows him lots of time with his family *and* a fabulous big old house with tons of charm and space, in a nice town with great schools.

So....I know it's stressful but it can be done. :)

Mary

[Sillygirl]

Oh, Candy. Hugs to you during this stressful time. I really admire your candor on the boards about financial difficulties - I'm sure you've helped many more people than you realize.

[Laurel]

I forgot to tell you that I think you should enjoy what you get- it's not like you work less hard than people who are making more! And you should write an article about getting through an evening at DL without spending money!

[DrSally]

That would be a great article for a parenting mag!

[JulieL]

Not alone, at all. We married at 18, surpassed everyones expectations and made it 3 1/2 years married with a baby, and still have a small savings. Then med school came, and well we are head over heels in debt. We have one car we paid off, and one that was given to us. I'm so grateful for all the help and extras that family has given us, it helps us keep our goals alive. I keep telling myself it's just a season of life. I'm waiting to go back to school myself in 3 years and finishing with at least a masters degree in education. Your right, if you have the ability to work in the job wrelm that makes you happy, you should. Eventually everything will balance out, but it's a slow go.

Another WOW for not spending any money at Disney! I've never been, but I hear it's the happiest place in the world. Let your family help you out and keep your goals and dreams in place. You can do the same thing for your children one day :)

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

Sister,you aren't alone. I tried to buy a my first birthday crown for ds today at bru and my debit card was declined.1week into a pay period and the kids birthday party is this weekend with 20 family members and we've got 120 bucks on 1 credit card,the other is maxed,no savings and checking is tapped. all i can say is thank god for spaghetti and homemade cakes.The kids'll have their party come heck or high water.I actually wound up pouring out my heart to my brother today.Odd,since he and his dw make a killing.He offered me money-I turned him down.I think that was the hardest thing I've had to do this week. Ds clothes are almost all hand me downs from cousins.DD clothes come from resale and a VERY generous girlfriend with a 6 year old. We've paid off the student loans my husband had from college and both cars and we're still in this boat-grrrr.And to top it all off with a great big cherry-I was going to go to gymboree today since they're having the 30percent off sale.I was going to get the kids their holiday clothes. Guess what,not going to happen.I consoled myself by telling myself that dd has other dresses that she loves to wear and really didn't flip that much over the dress at gymbo.And does a 1 year old really care what he's wearing as long as it's comfortable? Not really. Elaine has nice dresses-I picked up a hanna daydress at resale and she begs to wear it to school almost every day.And i think there's a holiday sweater vest somewhere in the hand me downs. I just really wanted to be able to provide my kids with some nice new clothes for the holidays-now it's still hand me downs. And to top it all off I wound up crying in front of my 4 year old. God love her,she asked me if I was sad and gave me a hug.My kids never cease to amaze me.Be strong and wait for the next paycheck.It always gets better then.

Jen

[bisous]

And hey! Wouldn't that bring in some extra cash? Not a bad idea...:)

At the very least I'll post some pointers in the Lounge.

Again, thank you for cheering me up guys.

[bisous]

Candy,

I must say that I find it courageous and helpful that you are willing to share your experience with this. I wish you all the best as this process plays out.

Thank you.

[bisous]

Thank you for your perspective on this.

Isn't that the truth about the little things in life that keep the goals alive? I wrote my post in a moment of doubt and we've had many of those in the three years or so that we've been pursuing our educational goals. I can always see the bigger picture and understand why school is an essential part of our life plan but the day to day life can be a little bleak. I must admit, sometimes the gifts from family bring just the little lift that we needed.

[bisous]

One of the things that really helps me through these tough times is realizing how very little young children need. I bet your party was a big success with your homemade cake! I always think those are the nicest anyway and I'm sure your kids loved it. Sounds like you, too are fortunate to have a helpful family and friend network and I agree with you that young kids are happy with so little. I would have to say, for example, that my DS favorite toys right now are leaves and sticks and they are free!

Here's to the next paycheck and happier times!

[bisous]

I really needed this story. I truly believe that if you are smart with your money and resourceful that you can craft a good material life for yourself regardless of your occupation. My DH and I begun this endeavor by taking a giant leap of faith that we could make it work out and I still believe it can...it just gets kind of tough sometimes to remember that we are in the middle of the process and that it does end. It's awfully nice to be able to vent here and even better to get thoughtful responses.

Thanks. :)

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

Here,here.


Jen

[tiapam]

This thread reminds me of a book that I found helpful:

Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow: Discovering Your Right Livelihood by Marsha Sinetar

-Pam

DD - Two years old!