How I wish I didn't feel the stress of the holidays

[SpaceGal]

It's funny I was just reading this articles in Real Simple about holidays and stress levels.

DH has the week of Thanksgiving off and until today we were back and forth about going to to his parents in Florida by car or by plane or to go period. As for my "family" it's not much of one...my mom drives me crazy and I rather not even see her for the holidays because she's such a downer. Well now that we're booked on flights to go to Florida, I'm relieved to have a nice family to spend Thanksgiving with and to just know we've made a decision, thus avoiding my mom. Then DH mentions oh going is nice but man all the stuff we could get done around the house if we didn't go. This will be our last big trip for some time since we have a baby due in March and don't for see any big plane trips in the near future following the new baby's arrival.

When I sit and think about it all...outside of spending time with those you love, gift giving and celebrating, there are all these weird stresses around the holidays. I wonder if others feel the same way...who to spend the holidays with, how is time divided between families, or to spend it in your own home. It's just odd to me. Not necessarily a bitch about the holidays because I do enjoy making it special and the feelings that come with the warmth of being with those you love, but it's so strange how with such happy and warm times can have these lingering stressful ones around it.

I guess it's one of those nights I have things on my mind...as I mentally pack for our trip and wondered hmmm...do others feel this way. I also wonder is this something those that don't live near family feel or do those that live near their family feel this way too. Our friends live near both their families and it seems so easy and nice that they don't worry about these things, but they also have great relationships with both side as well, no dueling in-laws or anything like that.

Anyways, just this is just me thinking out loud wondeirng if others have these feelings or thoughts around this time of the year too.

[carryingandstrollingabout]

The only holiday I really like is Halloween. It is all about being what you want to be, sharing candy with others, and having fun.

All the others are horrible holiday stress.

I hear you on the stress.

It's stressful and heartbreaking to abandon my own family to go visit DH's. If we don't visit DH's family,they are incensed. If we do visit them, it means flying at the busiest time of the year, then staying with them, which aggravates my allergies, and eating all kinds of stuff I usually eat, managaging the kids diets and schedules, while being being trapped at someone else's house and having to go along with it all.

After years of mutterings that we don't host, we hosted a few times. There was a work emergency just at the same time I needed to shop and prep cook on Thurs. I chose the shopping and cooking because I had 16 family members coming. It took me years to live it down at work. Then everyone complained about this and that at home. My house was too small, food not traditional enough, etc. I hate doing the Thanksgiving meal. Ugh.

Christmas is worse. Even though we do a rotation, we still have to buy 4 gifts for DH's family. We never know what to get them, and DH is afraid of buying the wrong thing, so he won't buy at all until the last day, then spend quadruple. So I buy the presents super early (and still overspend). He stresses that they won't like them, so I tell him we can return them, once he's shopped for something he'd like to give them,which he never does. So then he sits and frets on Xmas morning that I'm way off track, which I usually am, but what are you going to do? If I ask them what they want, they ask for something absurdly expensive.

Then I still buy presents for DH, the kids, and my family. Then comes the teacher gifts. DD's class has 4 teachers. Then I do the tips: postman, garbage man.

Somewhere along the way we fit in getting a tree and doing cards.

Then right before Xmas DH will remind me we haven't done stocking stuffers and gag gifts. Add those in.

Then the issue of which family to spend it with comes up again. I picture Xmas morning in our own home with the kids opening their gifts and playing with them. Or we can drive and drive and drive or fly and bring the gifts along with us. Ugh.

Then there's the whole parking thing at the mall and crazy shoppers and not being able to get into some stores. Or online gifts that turn out to be backordered after all.

In the end, we spend $4000ish each Xmas, or add $1,500ish for airfare etc, when we travel for a holiday. $750 is our top budget for Xmas. We exceed that, and it takes months to pay it all off.

I'm so stressed I've started prepping this year before Halloween. Every year I start earlier to try to spread the pain out.

I think the whole holiday thing is abusive.

I also think Valentine's day is mean. I've been lucky to have someone most of my adult life, but how bad people must feel who are alone.

So... Justified stress and frustration, or a scrooge...?

[Beth568]

Yeah, the peripheral stress really detracts from the enjoyment of being with people you love.

I hate Thanksgiving, because we are EXPECTED to be at my MIL's - it's her big deal and she'd throw a fit if we didn't come (and DH would pout, too). Her house is filthy, she's a PITA and I just don't enjoy it, and then on top of that I feel terrible because my mom lives a few hundred miles away and we're not with her. :(

Christmas is about traveling to my mom's with two tired kids, about my DH being stressed while staying in my mom's house, about me panicking to pack ALL the kids' stuff and drag it down there, then drag it all back home. And then there's the guilt that we haven't stayed long enough and my mom hasn't had enough time with her grandchildren...and the guilt that DH feels uncomfortable there and I'm forcing him to spend several days/nights in a tense place...ugh.

I don't know if it would be any easier if all our family were here. Maybe we'd then be able to split up the big holidays a bit more reasonably, and spend a few hours with each family and maybe have our Christmas mornings in OUR house, with just us and the kids. But I'm sure there would be some other reason for stress. It's just par for the course.

Every year, I breathe a huge sigh of relief in January. I like day to day life much better!

[carryingandstrollingabout]

You said it. The day to day days are so much better than holiday days. It's like we're supposed to have so much more fun on special days with the pressure, when really day to day is so much better.

[Puddy73]

ITA! I love the holidays, but it is just so hard to get everything done with work and two DC and a DH who thinks that gifts magically buy, wrap and ship themselves.

I've had to cut back on things that I enjoy, like baking tons of cookies and decorating because there is just no time. I only send out a handful of cards, and none of them have personal notes.

I miss seeing my family, but we just don't have time or money to do it this year.

I try to focus on the things that are really important to me, like holiday activities with DC. I refuse to spend time tracking down the perfect gift for picky relatives who probably won't like whatever we give them anyway. I buy generic fruit baskets and gift cards and leave it at that. It feels soooo much better than running around the mall looking for a specific pair of slippers for Great Aunt X!

Hope your holiday is as peaceful and happy as possible, under the circumstances!

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[maestramommy]

((HUGS)). It's so hard because it sounds like (from what I'm reading in yours and the other posts) that a lot of the stress comes from externally imposed expectations that you can't control. For us, we've been here with my family for Christmas, and sometimes Thanksgiving. Usually we see my ILs during the summer. But after this year I told Dh I was tired of going to the east coast during the hottest muggiest months, I was ready for snow. So we are going to alternate Christmases from now on. Generally both of our families are pretty laid back. Besides having a nice dinner together and opening presents, there's now much form, so we pretty much just relax and hang out. It's great when I see my ILs because we haven't seen each other all year so we catch up on everything. It DOES help that my ILs love me and vice versa.

Maybe when you go to these gatherings knowing all that you've already said, you can tune out the annoying parts once you're there and just try to enjoy the better moments? Sorry maybe not very helpful here.

[tarynsmum]

I totally feel you. As an only child for a lot of my life, I was continuously shuttled from one house to another for EVERY major holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc). I hated it, and still have a major aversion to packing for any trip (it brings back memories).

The worst part of holidays for me is having to call back and forth to all the relatives (and we have a pretty small family, just small factions) to figure out who's going where and when. UGH! I want so much to just stay home and cuddle Christmas morning are our little family unit, but I know it'll never happen.

[s7714]

With each passing year I'm finding myself getting more and more stressed as the holidays approach. Usually the stress starts around Halloween--which I love, but am actually starting to like less just because I know it marks the beginning of the mass marketed "must prepare for the holidays" season. I often wonder if I didn't have to see Christmas stuff in stores in October or see ads about buying presents, if I'd feel like T-day/Christmas are such an ominous looming presence in the near future?

I also understand the family issue. My holidays growing up were always spent at home, with rare exception. Marrying into DH’s complex family situation has resulted in most holidays being spent running from house to house to visit a multitude of family groupings. I didn’t mind it when it was just the two of us, but now that children have entered the picture it stresses me out because I have their schedules to deal with too.

This year I’ve decided to make an effort to not do things that I really don’t have to do. Buy less, plan less, cook less…Sigh. It’s probably a futile effort, but I’ve got to try.

Jennifer
Mommy to
Miss Pure Energy 3/03
Miss Antsy-Pants 6/05

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