I am the bitch (LONG)

[kfk]

So here it is: I swatted Jake yesterday and I feel horrible. I told my DH and he was very very upset that I didn't just tell him to come help ASAP.

In brief, my boys just turned 2, and they've definitely kicked things up a notch. While they're very sweet, verbal, busy, social guys, we have lots more whining, meltdowns, "mommy, mommy, up", "mama do it", etc. than ever. In general, I have a pretty good marriage (ups and downs) and DH and I split the child-care duties, and both work part-time. We have no back up or "free time" away from work or kids.

Anyway, yesterday we went to the zoo in the morning (after a 5:15 am wakeup call). Pre-zoo the boys were pretty cranky. They were excited by the zoo, but Jake had a meltdown because he couldn't play with these orange cones blocking off an exhibit at the kid's area (I don't blame him, he has his own set of cones to play with at home--he didn't understand). Then Zac carnapped, but Jake woke up as soon as we got home, and didn't nap. Since they are generally easier to deal with out of the house, I took them to the park (though we had to leave when they kept getting into these lids that cover dangerous electrical stuff), they got to go on a walk with daddy after dinner, but by bathtime, behavior was very difficult. I lost it when Jake dumped water on his brother's head (after being repeatedly told not too), which set off Zac, and then dumping it on me. I grabbed him out of the bath and gave him a swat. ARgh. Bad mama. There's been a few other times that I know I've been too rough with the boys, grabbing them away from things, or putting them in their cribs for time-out.

So I guess I'm asking for tips, advice, sympathy? Has anyone taken parenting or anger management classes? Do they help? I read the angry mom thread at the lounge and am wondering if I should look into meds. I was on depression/sleep meds after we lost a baby, but stopped that once we started the IVF process again.

[niccig]

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But it's only 9.30am here, and I feel like I'm having one of those days too.... hugs, and hopefully someone else has better advice.

ETA. This is what I'm doing today...we have our swim lesson at the YMCA and then DS will spend an hour in their babysitting...I'll work out and have a break, he'll play with all the other kids which he likes to do, we'll come home and it'll be time for lunch and nap...I'm then hoping this afternoon is better....

[ellies mom]

Sweetheart, you had a bad day. These things happen. The occasional swat will not hurt your children. I wouldn't worry about it. There is a website, www.gentlechristianmothers.com that has a lot of good advice. Quite a few of the moms here swear by that website also. You probably could use a few more tools in your tool box and that is a good place to get them.

Big hugs, Mama. I hope you have a better day today.

[Jenn98]

Don't beat yourself up over this. Being a mom is tough. And you are a great mom simply because you are looking at how you can be a better mom - that's a sure sign of a great mom! Anyway, this doesn't always help me (and mine is only 15 months) but sometimes I just talk myself through a tough situation. I try to remind myself that this day shall end (instead of "this too shall pass") and she will eventually sleep at some point. I try to not let her craziness affect me. For example, today at play group she had a meltdown and I tried to just let her have her moment on the side while I remained calm and waited for it to pass. And a lot of deep breaths. A lot of them!

Hang in there. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))

[kfk]

Hi Veronica,

Thanks for your supportive reply. I did finally check out the website, I know it's been recommended before, but I was reluctant because I don't fit the profile over there in many ways--other than breastfeeding (Jewish, didn't babywear, did CIO, disposables, etc.)! I was wondering if there were any books you've found helpful in guiding this approach? We had been using 1-2-3 magic, since about 18 mos. but I'm not wild about it. Unfortunately, I forced DH to watch the video (he won't read parenting books), and he's followed through with the advice (more or less) and I'm pretty sure he won't agree to try something else.

[dules]

The website is great. We fit your profile in being Jewish, babyrearing and even in IVF except we only had one. :)You have to apply for membership to the site and I responded to the Do you go to Church and what Church question that we were Jewish but hoped that that would not preclude our being members. We were approved and dontcha know it there's at least one person on there with the siggie line Baruch Ata Adonai so no worries. :) I'd definitely encourage you to apply.

I need to go over there now. My DD has been making me nuts of late and I realize I'm needing some tools to deal with the terrible 3's.

Good luck, and do try to forgive yourself for the swat. And if possible, get DH to understand and accept it - being judgemental in this case is simply not helpful. :( {{hugs}}

Mary

[mamicka]

>Sweetheart, you had a bad day. These things happen. The
>occasional swat will not hurt your children. I wouldn't worry
>about it. There is a website, www.gentlechristianmothers.com
>that has a lot of good advice. Quite a few of the moms here
>swear by that website also. You probably could use a few more
>tools in your tool box and that is a good place to get them.
>
>Big hugs, Mama. I hope you have a better day today.
>
>

What she said :).

You had a bad day. The fact that you realized it & are finding other ways to handle those situations shows how great a mom you are. I second the GCM website, whether you're Christian or not. Most of my Christian friends probably wouldn't think they'd fit the profile either, LOL!

Here's to better days!
Allison

[ellies mom]

I was raised Mormon; they don't even consider me a Christian not only that, I'm a flaming liberal. Talk about someone that doesn't fit the profile. But they let me join anyways. I lurk way more than I post.

As far as other books, I'd start with Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline books. There are several, even one specifically for the under three crowd. It would be a secular version of Gentle Christian Mothers. Another book that I really like is "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey.

[kfk]

Thanks for the recommendations. I picked up Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline at the used book store on the way home from work. Now I just have to find time to read it!
Yesterday I tried to stay really conscious of my behavior, and when I felt frustrated, tried to refocus on my tools/techniques rather than give in to emotion. It mostly worked (though bathtime got hectic again), and I felt good about that.

Thanks again!

[KBecks]

I totally like the gentle christian mothers group too -- and you can sift through and just take what works for you -- you know?

I'm reading 2 books that are really good, but maybe for a little older -- how to talk so kids listen and listen so kids can talk and siblings without rivalry. Both are great!

I don't think they apply to exactly what you are looking for, but the How to Talk book is really good. Also if you visit GCM, they have lists of books there that you can look into as well.

Good luck and hugs.

[punkrockmama]

Keri, big huge hugs honey. I spanked Petyon once before and have yelled a little too loud and it made me feel like a bad mom and a bad person. It made me cry because I felt like such crap that I couldn't control myself and use the proper tools to deal with him.

You are a good mom! I'm not gonna say you don't need anger management, drugs, or therapy as I don't know your whole story. But I do know that it's totally normal to get angry and we don't always channel our anger and frustrations the right way.

I like that website too. I've seen it posted here a lot before and checked it out knowing that I wouldn't fit in but thought I didn't really need to vibe with all their beliefs to glean some tips/ideas from them. And I was right.

Again big hugs to you. You're doing a great job and it's awesome that your looking for help and ideas here. :)