I hate my husband

[snowflake20]

My husband lost his job and I really hate him for it. I know it's not his fault, but I am getting so p*ssed off at him that I don't even want to look at him sometimes.

Our baby is 5 months old and he is at home with her. One the one hand, I think that it's great that she isn't with a stranger. But then I hate the fact that I am not the one at home with her. It really makes me so upset when I see all of the at home moms in my building and I have to drag my butt to work. When I get home, I have basically one hour with my baby to play with her, feed her and bathe her before she goes to bed. My husband makes dinner, so I will give him props for that. Then I have to pump again before I go to sleep.

In the mornings, I wake up at 6:30 to feed the baby and pump again. My husband is sleeping and I have to drag him out of bed so he can take the baby when I go.

And then on the weekends, my husband thinks it's time for him to sleep in because I am taking care of the baby. What the hell is up with that? I get up at 6:00 am to nurse the baby, change her, pump, not to mention any night feedings that she might need (she doesn't wake up at night all the time). He is still sleeping. I tell him to get up and help me and he tells me that I am yelling at him and that I am being a bitch. GET UP GET UP GET UP!!! I can't stand it anymore!!! He doesn't get out of bed until 10 am. His excuse is that he is on the internet late at night looking for a job. I don't care! Get your lazy butt out of bed!

Oh and last night, the baby woke up at 3:30 and I had to basically slap my husband awake to feed her. I told him that the baby was awake and he said "So?". What an A**hole.

I hate him.

I also hate pumping too.

[crayonblue]

I know this is the bitching forum and you have the right to say whatever you like. I also know what it is like to be dead tired and crying for more help. But, I am concerned by how angry you are at your husband. Can you talk to him, not in the heat of the moment, and sort this out? Sounds to me like he is doing a lot (like you are too) and the one thing he really needs right now from you is support. If you aren't on the same team, things are only going to get much worse.

You've got a LOT going on right now with work and pumping and the exhaustion of a little one. Your husband also has a lot on his plate with being a SAHD and looking for a job. Figure out what will work for BOTH of you and I think you'll be a lot happier.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My DH was out of a job when Lauren was 12-18 months and it was HARD and we were both home. I didn't have the added pressure of going to work. Most men's self-esteem is tied up with work so like I said before, your husband probably needs an extra dose of support during this time. I'm sure you do too!

[snowflake20]

I have tried talking to him about the job, but every time I do he tells me that he is looking for a job but he isn't finding anything and we are just screwed and he won't find a job for a year. The he tells me that it's my fault we are in this situation because I made him take the job in the first place (he was laid off from a tech job and then was offered this job in a different field and I told him to take it for the short term so he is employed. That was 4 years ago) How am I supposed to be supportive when he tells me that we are screwed?

Sorry, I just got off the phone with him when I posted and we were yelling at each other so I am very angry now. He is interviewing at a place tomorrow. During the intital phone conversation he was told that the job was very high pressure and that the person who did the job before him was burned out. They asked him how he deals with quick deadlines, late nights, and stress. I don't think that working there is going to be a good idea because this is what he dealt with before and he was miserable and made me miserable too. I asked him if it was worth looking into this job because it sounded like a bad place to be and he told me that I was being ridiculous.

I am just mad. I am mad that when he was working, he'd get up at 8:30 and then leave without saying goodbye to me or the baby because he was "late for work." I am mad that he promised me a life where I can stay at home with my children and we are further away from that than ever before. I am also mad that when I tried to get him to compromise to wake up at 9:00 on the weekend, he turned around and said "I thought you meant that I can wake up at 9 when I got a job". I am also mad that I have to work this crummy job that I hate, and that I will have to be the one to find a new job with higher salary because my husband, who went to the best prep schools and college money can buy, doesn't have a career. When I suggested graduate school to him 2 years ago so he can get a normal job in banking, marketing, etc, he told me that I was stupid.

Argh!

[Nooknookmom]

No advice here & not hijacking the thread - but know that you are not alone in your DH anger.

I too thought I married a "man" who would take care of his family, but in reality I am the husband and he acts like the wife. My DH gets up and goes to wk early, I will give him that credit. But most of our other dealings are left up to me. Yay. We work together...

I'm sure some of my anger is preggo hormones but I am still busting my butt physically at our business (construction related) & he acts like there is no reason I shouldn't be my normal work work work self. Um, I'm growing a human and am sick all day!!

I'm not trying to man-bash but geesh what happened to men who took care of their families w/ pride?

I hope you guy's are able to get over the hump, maybe his ego is bruised and he's a little depressed? Smile & feel better soon :) :)

[VClute]

Hmmm... Have you considered that your husband may be depressed? Sleeping that late at his age, with children, just seems weird to me. I had a depressive episode when I was in college and I would stay up all night, getting nothing accomplished, then sleep all day. It was awful. My parents tried to get me to snap out of it, my friends were all embarrassed of me (I looked a MESS all the time) and I just could NOT get my act together. I was supposed to be headed for great things, too. But I couldn't even walk to class without thinking, "Why bother? I'm just going to fail anyway."

So, try talking to DH about why he doesn't have a more positive outlook about his prospects. A depressed person has a hard time seeing the light at the end of any proposed tunnel.

I sure hope this gets better for you - and SOON.

Amy in NC
mom to Dixon, born 2/14/05
...and a sequel! Due 3/30/07

[Piglet]

Like a lot of other people have said - men connect their self worth to their jobs far more than women do. It sounds like your DH has a very bruised ego and possibly some depression going on right now. I know that it is hard for you, but you need to talk to him openly, but not angrily. My DH was unemployed right out of grad school for many months. We had a young DS and I was suddenly the bread winner and the mommy and felt so much pressure I thought I would burst. DH felt his own pressure and it was hard for me to understand how someone that stayed home all day could possibly complain about his struggles. The reality was that finding work was a full-time job (or if it wasn't, he was doing it wrong) and watching DS was a full-time job. Plus, for my DH, the analyst and crazy introvert, it was damn hard to come out of his shell and sell himself. He was used to leading by competence. Anyone that worked with him could see that he had a great brain, but he didn't come across that way on paper or on the phone when trying to line up interviews. Can your husband get any career counselling? Go for a coffee with someone in the industry to find out what he should be putting in his resume? That helped my DH a lot!

From your end of things, think of it in reverse. Many women come on here and b*tch about their working husbands that don't cut them any slack on weekends. Obviously that isn't the case with you since you are waking up to pump and feed the baby, but you probably do need to give DH a day off from watching the baby once in a while. I know I had immense cabin fever when I was home with my 2 kids and needed the hand-off the minute DH came home. I really found it much easier at work - I got to drink an entire cup of coffee before it got cold! Being a SAH mom or dad is wonderful, but it is hard too and it is probably a big adjustment for your DH. On the flip side, it is a big adjustment for you to suddenly have all the pressure of home and work life - you need to explain that to your DH, but with some compassion for his struggles as well.

I know that this will get better - it did for us almost immediately when DH got a job. He was turned down by a few companies and we are thankful - he loves his current job and has been here for 3 years.

Hugs,

[saschalicks]

OK I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I mean EXACTLY. Please PM me and we can talk.

I'll tell you briefly (yah right). When I met DH he had a full time job and he was going to law school at night, he took care of himself, lived on his own and basically didn't depend on anyone. I was pretty impressed. He'd been working since he was 14 and had put himself through college and now law school (w/loans of course).

A year into our relationship, he was laid off then got a job then laid off. 1 year of no work while he finished law school I worked the WHOLE time. I get pregnant in Oct in Nov he finds out he didn't pass the bar now it's 13 months no job. Feb takes the bar then passes in May. DS#1 was born in late June he gets a job 6 weeks LATER. During that time I'm on maternity leave making 60% of my pay and he had no job. He starts his job. I go back to work get and get laid off in Jan and I find a job RIGHT AWAY (I took 1 week off in between) and then in March he's laid off again. April we find out I'm pregnant and it was not planned. End of Nov he finds a job (8 months no work) and early Dec DS#2 is born.

Now 4 weeks ago he loses that job (he was there 10.5 months). Here we go again. I did not in any way sign up for all of this and our debt is ridiculous. Luckily he starts a new job the Monday after Thanksgiving and I just got a raise. He's been watching the boys for the past 4 weeks and I've been working my a$$ off. Yes he is getting unemployment, but it isn't making up for anything.

OK now that I've told you my whole last 4 years of life I want to tell you what got me through. First off when this all started for the first two years I was in therapy ONCE a week. Also, I put deadlines on stuff the last time he lost his job I told him I expected some sort of employment by the time I went on maternity leave with DS#2. He made it just under the wire. There were times that I told him that when we agreed to spend our life together we agreed to be partners. If I don't feel like I have a partner I could do it on my own. This was a joint venture and he wasn't holding up his end.

PP said something about your DH being depressed, and I couldn't agree more. I insisted that DH go see a psychiatrist this time around. The fact that he keeps losing jobs means something more. He is a hard worker, an honest good man there is more going on there.

Everytime I had a serious discussion about how this affected our marriage things changed. That is why I'm still in this. I know that he hears me and I know that he's trying. He takes really good care of our boys. He is an AMAZING father. He cooks and sometimes cleans (a whole other rant). When we're both working FT he does 50% of the work no questions asked, and helps me with the boys. These are the reasons I love my husband.

Go to couple's counseling before it's too late. I cannot say that enough. My therapist told me once that it was OK to be angry. It's OK to be REALLY F&*KING angry at him, b/c that is a normal emotion. But if that's how you feel all of the time then something's gotta' give.

I can't stress enough to you how reading your post was like you could see inside me on bad days. I mean it, when I say PM me and we can talk in more detail. You are acting very normally, but find an outlet for that anger. Therapy is what really helped me. Good luck.

[Jenn98]

I have no BTDT, except being angry at DH for various reasons, but I wanted to send some (((((((hugs)))))))) your way. Like a PP said, it's okay to be really, really angry, but if there's more anger than happiness you should go see a therapist. Good luck!

[jgiovagn]

Yikes!

May I just say that I had some of the same angry feelings you had, and my H is employed? I think many working women (and SAHMs for that matter)go through this, even with working husbands. It seems like we are expected to do it all: contrbute to the income AND take care of everything at home. It seems like the men in our generation often grew up with Moms who took care of everything around the house as well as attended to their family's every need. Then, as they got older, the expectation changed and women were expected to work and contribute to (or be the sole providers of!) the family income. However, that expectation of "women’s' work" at home is still there for some.

So I don't blame you for feeling frustrated! That said, I can attest that being a SINGLE mother is certainly no picnic!! So like the PP's said, try to work this out calmly with your DH. I wish I had, instead of taking what he did do around here for granted and always making him feel like he wasn't good enough! Now I get to do it all myself.

So maybe you don't feel like you should have to go to therapy because it's not your fault, but it's becoming your problem. Trust me - take a deep breath, suck it up, try to be supportive, and try to talk it out. List your expectations, gain consensus from him on a plan and vent to your friends (and cyberfriends!). Do whatever it takes to make him feel secure and loved and supported. You will reap the benefits. I know it's really hard when you're (justifiably) angry, but I've been down this road and it's not pretty!

Keep finding strength and keep us posted.

Jean

[JenDC]

I could write something very similar- my dh lost 3 jobs in less than 3 years, and it was mainly due to errors on his part. He was already in therapy, but now (on job #4) he is seeing someone with a different approach- he is working on fixing things istead of just understanding things. And he's started on some meds. Plus, the new job (for which he took a big pay cut and we had to move)plays more to his strengths and he has a great boss for the first time ever. Definitely encourage your dh to go to a therapist with a behavioral approach so he can work on changing things, and to get assessed for depression and other things. But you need to see someone too- it will help. And you should consider taking turns sleeping in a little on the weekend- after you nurse, you take a nap one morning and the other weekend morning he gets to sleep in a little.
I hope it helps to read everyone's posts.

jen
mom to Shoshana 3.29.06

[buddyleebaby]

I have totally been through the GET UP GET UP GET UP thing. It is hard when it is the middle of the night and you are so tired you are near tears, and the baby is crying, and your dh is snoring. It is really, really hard to take.
My dh and I worked out an arrangement that works well for us. He is really bad at waking up repeatedly in the middle of te night, but he has less of a problem getting up a couple hours early. So on the real bad nights he will just get up early and stay up. It guarantees that I will get at least a couple straight hours of sleep before he leaves for work, which makes all the difference. In axchange I try to handle all the night time waking myself so that he can get some rest. It makes us both better and happier parents. There are no set rules for weekends. Sometimes I let him sleep, sometimes he lets me sleep, and sometimes we get up early and go for a walk and make pancakes.
End of tangent...It sounds like you are just incredibly stressed and tired. Sending you hugs, and wishing you a good night's sleep. Hopefully when you are both calmer and well-rested you can sit down and work something out. Everything looks worse through bleary eyes.

[bensmom243]

>Yikes!
>

>
>So I don't blame you for feeling frustrated! That said, I can
>attest that being a SINGLE mother is certainly no picnic!! So
>like the PP's said, try to work this out calmly with your DH.
>I wish I had, instead of taking what he did do around here for
>granted and always making him feel like he wasn't good enough!
>Now I get to do it all myself.
>
>So maybe you don't feel like you should have to go to therapy
>because it's not your fault, but it's becoming your problem.
>Trust me - take a deep breath, suck it up, try to be
>supportive, and try to talk it out. List your expectations,
>gain consensus from him on a plan and vent to your friends
>(and cyberfriends!). Do whatever it takes to make him feel
>secure and loved and supported. You will reap the benefits. I
>know it's really hard when you're (justifiably) angry, but
>I've been down this road and it's not pretty!
>
>Keep finding strength and keep us posted.
>
>Jean
>
Nicely written and some excellent advice.