I am not ok. I HATE Thanksgiving.

[candybomiller]

This bitch has been a long time coming. As I'm sure some of you remember, it was almost 4 years ago that my mom was killed. So, from Halloween (her birthday) until around Thanksgiving (her deathiversary) I am beyond depressed.

I've been snapping at Matt, being a horrible mom, horrible wife, horrible person. I've even been rude to my sweet, precious Murphy dog. I wish I were an alcoholic so I could at least get drunk and forget for a while - this is how my two sisters deal.

I'm still taking all my medications, but I can't help but wonder if I might need an extra "something" to make it through this time of the year. At least until the kids are off to college and I can "celebrate" the way I really want to - in a padded room where I can scream and hit and cry and be angry.

I hate that a fauxliday just happens to be at this time of the year forcing me to be grateful for what I have when what I want to do is dwell on what I've lost. Other people whose parents have died get that luxury.

Thanks for reading this. Hopefully it wasn't too depressing.

[almostamom]

Candy, I'm so very sorry. It sucks. It's not fair. I think the positive in all of this (as if there could really be one) is that you recognize what's causing you to feel this way. Please talk to your doctor. The meds you are currently taking are getting you through life's average day to day. This time of year is incredibly different than that. I'm sending you hugs and wishing you peace. I only wish I had some magical words to write to you to make it better for you. Know that I'm thinking of you.

Hugs,
Linda

[californiagirl]

For me, it's mother's day (which my mother hated, by the way, because it made it hard to get a dinner reservation for her birthday) that gets me. From late January (when she died) through Mother's day. Boy, the first 5 years were really hard. The second 5 years were just hard those months. After 20 years and the birth of my own daughter, minus sobbing "I want MY mother" a couple of times right around DD's birth, it's pretty much OK. (Also, getting rid of the TV helps a lot. Screw societal pressure!)

Although my mother loved Thanksgiving (it's about FOOD! she used to say, what's not to like?), so I get twinges now, too.

Any way, you have my sympathies, and check out Anna Quindlen's book "Living Out Loud" for some really funny/sad writing on the topic.

[Jenn98]

((((((((hugs)))))))))) I wish there was something I could say to make you feel a little bit better. Take care of yourself and do what you need to do. There is no shame in admitting that there are times when you must come first - it sounds like this is one of them. Again, ((((HUGS))))

[lizajane]

i am so sorry, candy. so sorry. what a terrible time. i wish i could watch matt for you so you could have some good alone time. try hard to suck it up and let other people have him over so you can take some time for you. i have the hardest time asking for help, but this is the time.

please keep venting with us! we are here for you as much as we can be.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Candy, hugs to you. I have the same slump in the summer over my dad's birthday but imagine it would be even worse during a time of the year when you are "supposed" to be joyous and thankful. I am sorry.
Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[deenass]

Candy,

So sorry you are having a hard time. DH has a hard time at this time of year also, his mom died in early November (1997) and Thanksgiving was "her" holiday. I know that time has eased some of his sadness, not that it ever goes away.

[caheinz]

Candy,

Let whoever prescribes your meds know about this next time you're in. And next year, think about bumping up or adding things in early October or even September, and keeping them until at least December. Seriously -- there's nothing wrong with asking for extra help at a rough time.

It is hard. It's Mother's Day and the end of the semester for me. I had plane tickets to go home for Mother's Day (it'll be 4 years ago). Surgery (to remove a cancerous growth) was two weeks prior, but Mom didn't want me to come up until after she was home. She absolutely insisted. Problem was, she never made it home, and the tickets were a week too late.

I was teaching a class that spring, that I still teach about once a year now. When I hit the last lecture, it's hard. I never gave it that first time, so the second time (another spring), I was totally reminded of why that lecture wasn't written. At least now the class is in the fall, so the timelines aren't synchronized.

Random silly thought: maybe look into a gym membership for now. Go and run (or something athletic) until you're exhausted. (It'll help with the desires for hitting and being angry...)

Hugs to you, lots of 'em.

[bcky2]

i am so sorry. i wish i had something great to say to you but all i can do is offer you huge (((hugs))) and let you know that i will be thinking of you.

[AngelaS]

I'm so sorry that you're having a rough time.

I last talked to/saw my mom on Mother's Day. She died a few days later. That's the 'holiday' that totally sucks for me!

[jal]

((((Candy))))

Hugs to you and all of us who have lost our mothers.

This will be our first holiday without mom. I think brothers and sisters will make it find, but dad has taken it pretty hard, and their Anniversary is right at Thanksgiving too (something like Nov 24th).

[kfk]

Candy,
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. And my heart goes out to all those who've lost parents. Candy, it sounds like you need to talk to your doctor asap. They can bump your meds, or maybe prescribe something to help you sleep? Also, consider "checking out" from responsibilities and getting some self-care in another way, perhaps scheduling a massage, or even a pedicure, so someone can take care of you? Sometimes having someone touch you in a non-demanding way can be very therapeutic and releasing.
Also, can you have a heart to heart with your husband? I'm sure he wants to help, but is probably not knowing how. I know my DH, who has experienced loss, but NOT the kind of devastating loss you're talking about, can't ever really get the pain I feel with my losses. Every year I have to remind him of my difficulties and need to be sad/angry and have space at the same time. It is so hard when all of society is telling you to be happy, thankful, count your blessings, and you just want to say f*, life is unfair, and hard and why me?
I lost my mother in mid-December, 10 years ago this year, so the whole holiday season sucks. (And May sucks too, because it was her birthday and mother's day.) Thanksgiving is particularly guilt-laden, because I didn't go home the Thanksgiving that she died, and then post-poned an alternate Nov. visit with the understanding I would stay a whole week in December. She died in a hospital ER, a week before my visit. I got to use my plane ticket home for her funeral, instead.
I'm sorry this was long. I send you my love.

[BaileyBea]

Your post was the only one I had time to read last night. And it just broke my heart. I've thought about you all day.

I wanted to find a way to tell you something wise etc.. But I am hardly the wisest person.

We all mourn differently. Sometimes mourning can be a refreshing release and sometimes it's destructive. I've had both. I could tell you stories. I also know that when you have young children you suddenly need the women in your family more. We are gatherers and nurturers us women. You need your Mama like your son needs you.

The weight of being being alive while a love one has passed can sometimes be so heavy. Death has many stages and we all have to work our way through them.

I lost someone(my BFF) suddenly(and violently) and last week was the 9th anniversary of her death. I had a boyfriend who got me though this time by not backing down and being soft with me. He was tough.. When I felt like crying all the time he would quiz me relentlessly about why I was crying, why I was mad, etc.. Tough love. Turns out I had a lot of guilt and letting it go and telling someone about it was the best thing. I cried, I screamed and I asked for forgiveness. He gave me a deadline to get over it and he helped me get it out.

Now each year I take one hour to mourn/celebrate her. I go visit the site of her death. I send nice silk flowers to her gravesite. I have a one-on-one with her and update her on my life. I ask her to watch over me and my family and put in a good word to St. Peter for me in Heaven. Ha Ha!

I'm hispanic and in the hispanic tradition we take Dia De Los Muertos to celebrate the deaths of loved ones. Ironicly Dia De Los Muertos was the day my friend died. You are suppose to eat their favorite foods, pray, and celebrate their lives.

I don't think you need more meds to get over this period.. you may need someone to hold you like only a Mom can hold you and rock you. And you need to yell really loud at the world and get it all out of your system. It's healthy to do that.

You also need to remember that this is the holiday season. It's a special time for your DS and he needs to have special good memories too. He needs you during this time and you need him to get you through this time and see the wonderful things about life and all those who we are lucky to have in our lives (alive or not). Maybe there is something in your DS that reminds you about your Mom. On this day, show him photos of Grandma and talk about those things.

Big hug... hang in there.
Nancy

[heidiann]

Candy,
I am so sorry, big hugs to you sweetie. I feel your pain! My dad died the day after christmas so this time of year is really "sucky" for me too. Everyone is all happy and joyous over the holiday season and I have to "act" happy when inside i'm dying. Sorry for the hijack but it felt good to get that feeling out.

Heidi
Mom to J

[Melanie]

I'm so sorry, Candy. You have every right to feel the way you do. Maybe you can talk to your doctor about smoething more to get through this time of year to help you in dealing with your family.

[g-mama]

Candy,

I think I've told you before how I can relate to you because I, too, lost my mom 4 years ago, but this coming January 2nd will be the 4 year anniversary. So the holidays are hard for me, too. These were the days that I saw my mom suffer in such a horrific way with cancer. I spent her final days with her over the holidays when everything around us screamed "happy and joyful." I had also just found out I was pregnant with my second ds and so, at the same time, was vomiting left and right with morning sickness - even during her funeral.

It's incredibly hard to lose your mom. Like a PP said, I just want sometimes to have my mom hold me and rock me like she used to when I was hurting. No one can take the place of her and fulfill that role in my life. And it's harder because you and I are both young and so none of my friends have lost their mothers, so they really don't get it.

The only thing that helps me get through is remembering how wonderful the holidays were in my house, all thanks to my mom. She really made our house a joyful place and gave me fabulous memories of Christmas to hold onto. I am determined, no matter how much I want to hide in my closet some days, to make those memories for my boys. I'm not saying to deny my pain or not allow myself to cry. I just mean throwing myself into decorating our house, doing crafts with the kids, playing Christmas music, baking with them....and it gets my mind off it watching them.

Hugs to you, sweetie. I understand.



~Kristen

Paolo 11-00
Benjamin 8-03
Marco 12-05

[graciebellesmomma]

I am so sorry that you are having a hard time.

I lost my 18 yr old son to a drunk driver the Tuesday before Thanksgiving 4 years ago.
He was declared brain dead on Thanksgiving..I can't imagine ever celebrating the holiday again. It truly is the one day a year that I am NOT thankful...
I seriously can't celebrate T-day or Xmas the traditional way anymore. We spend T-day in Tahoe and Xmas on Maui.. I had to create new traditions for my daughter, who was 3 months old when her brother was killed.
Unfortunately, my family has a very hard time with this and doesn't understand...which makes it even more painful for me.

My dh has been amazing and supportive and comforting through it all..lucky me.

Hugs to you...

[candybomiller]

My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can imagine worse than losing my mother would be losing my child.

Seems like 4 years ago was a rough time for a couple of us. (((((HUGS)))))

[Wife_and_mommy]

Hugs to you, Candy.



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[StantonHyde]

How awesome is it when a bitch turns out to be very healing for all of us. I lost my mom in July so this is the first holiday without her. Not fun. I really appreciated reading other's tales of when the grief is the worst. Not so good to hear it still sucks 4 years later.... My jaw dropped when I read about the PP who lost her son--I just said to myself, "Oh my God". Creating new traditions, that is definitely an idea. We keep going with the ones we had because that is how my mom would want it. But I do recognize the need to create my own path in many ways. Maybe doing something very different at the holidays would be good because then we are not comparing to when mom was here. I have thought about doing a big volunteer stint somewhere when the kids are older and that would be a good idea. I will have to think about this. Thanks for the ideas. And thanks to everybody who posted--it really helps to know that we are in a sorority. While everybodys gets to join it at some point, it still sucks especially for those of us who are younger. (and many of you are younger than me :-)) I have a friend who is 60 and just lost her 99 yo old mother and she said it still hurt. I suppose if I had not been so very close to my mother it would not hurt as much. But I would not give that up for anything. Hugs to all of us.

[boys2enough]

Oh, Candy...

{{{{hugs}}}}

I am so sorry for your loss.

I am worried about how you are bottling your rage inside. Will you be able to talk to a therapist at all? (Assuming that it works for you, I guess). A support group maybe? (Again, assuming you are comfortable with the idea).

And STAY AWAY FROM THAT BOTTLE.

{{{{more hugs}}}

Lin