Why can't I just let this go? (long)

[sidmand]

aka, how do you let things go?

I'm really bad at this. I usually wake up at 6:30 thinking of all the things I need to do, and even when I don't need to wake up that early (like ever! DS is still asleep at 8:45 a.m. and I didn't need to wake up until he did!), I wake up and worry. Or, like this morning, I wake up and let something from almost a year and a half ago bother me!

When DS was seven weeks old, I was talked into going to LBI for a few days. It's something my Dad's wife's family always does and they had wanted us to join them to get to know her family (they only got married about three years ago). Nothing about the vacation sounded like fun. It's just not our type of vacation. We're not good at relaxing, we're not beach people, we didn't want to have to cook and clean and shop while on vacation, we didn't think the other people in the house would appreciate a newborn...

Long story short it was awful. My Dad and his wife were great with DS, but no one else there wanted him there. I don't blame them, but as far as I was concerned, they made no secret of that fact. I wasn't looking for them to change his diaper or watch him while we were gone or even hold him, but I didn't think acknowledging his presence besides asking us if he was sleeping through the night (and telling us we should let him CIO like they'd seen on SuperNanny) yet was too much to ask.

When my Dad's wife's sister (got that?) moved her chair away from us on the beach when DS started crying, that was the last straw for me and I left the beach in tears and we went home right then (a seven-hour car ride!). I will grant you that hormones definitely played a part in my sensitivity (plus a c-section!). And I totally thought I was over this and it was water under the bridge.

My Dad and his wife have been asking us to go back to LBI and we said no, although I did waver a bit (because I'm just like that unfortunately). DH said we were NEVER going back (it's not childproof, the same people will be there, etc.). Yesterday my Dad and his wife came up for Thanksgiving and the topic of LBI came up and his wife said something about everything that happened being "all in my head." Okay, I'm getting tears as I write this, so I am SO not over this. The fact that that is what she and they have thought all this time really really bothers me. I know her sister and husband thought that at the time (they were the major culprits) that we made it up. And maybe what they did was subconscious, but I am not one to make things up. I can be hypersensitive, but there is usually some basis for fact.

Like I said, I thought I was over and done with this and had moved on. My Dad's wife has never been my favorite person, but she's good to him and we had a pretty cordial relationship. The fact that this is what they thought is bad, but the fact that she told me it was all in my head last night feels even worse to me. I'm just having a really hard time with this.

Thanks for listening. I think writing it all out definitely helped (and DS is STILL asleep at 9:15—I don't think he'll be falling asleep on the way to dinner like we hoped!).

Debbie
http://b2.lilypie.com/BI7Tm5.png

[bcky2]

ya know, if you feel that way then there is reason for you to. who cares what others think you should feel or how they preceive the situation. it shouldnt be about that, it should be about the fact that you were made to feel uncomfortable with a 7 week old. i am sorry that it happened and i do agree that you should not go back yet. maybe later down the line when you have resolved it within yourself but not while it still hurts. maybe them saying it was all in your head lets them release their guilt. i know how you feel, i also have a hard time with things from the past that i cant change creeping up on me and making me upset. it just replays in my mind over and over and its like i cant make it stop. big (((hugs))) and i hope you have a happy thanksgiving :)

maybe you can say to everyone this is how i felt last time and i just want to clear the air befor we come again. dont say stuff like "you did this or that" just say stuff like "i felt like ...." if they try to defend themselves say you are not pointing fingers or trying to accuse anyone of anything that you are just stating how you felt so that you can let this go.

[candybomiller]

My general rule is to just stay away from toxic situations. As to your stepmother saying it's all in your head: you and your dh must have been having the same hallucination, no? What a jerk.

I don't forgive and forget easily, so I'm probably not the best person to give advice on this. Just wanted to offer (((((HUGS))))).

[bubbaray]

Given what you describe, I wouldn't go back. I would also avoid someone who told me that something was "all in my head". Who needs that kind of judgement in their life?

I don't let things go easily and I don't forgive or forget easily. Character flaw I guess, but there are worse ones I could have.

JMHO
Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

http://bd.lilypie.com/SasRm7.png

[C99]

It's hard to "just get over events" that surrounded the births of our children. I think that I am "over" the fact that DS was born 5 weeks premature and had to spend a week in the NICU, but every time I hear a preemie story from a friend-of-a-friend, I am in tears all over again. It's hard!

That said, I think that what you should do about this, if anything, depends on how much you want a relationship with your dad's wife. It might help you to talk to a therapist in a few sessions to help you work out what happened, how you feel about it, whether or not you can heal from it (and what needs to happen to help you heal), etc. It's worth a shot - even if it's only to not have to wake up early in a year and still be thinking about and bothered by what happened.

[tiapam]

I can relate to letting things bother you for way too long. I do that all the time.

As far as going again, it still isn't your kind of vacation, so why spend *your* vacation there?

-Pam

DD - Two years old!

[sidmand]

Thank you for the advice and for hearing me out. There was some very good advice there. Yes, we're not planning on going to LBI again. But I should find a *nice* way to tell them that. My sister made a good point that my Dad may know we don't want to go, but feels like he should at least invite us. That's possible. So we could make it clearer that we don't intend to go...

I think part of my feelings are also because I've tried really hard over the past few years to like my Dad's wife. She is not a bad person and she's very good for him, but she is totally not a person I would ever hang out with IRL. She is very opinionated and very head-strong, and just very much unlike me. But I had worked through a lot of that. They say to pretend something (like pretend you're happy) and eventually you may feel happy. And I really feel like I had come to a place where I would just ignore the things she said that I didn't want to hear (as my sister said, "It's just Sue being Sue") and she's always like that, so it's not like it's a surprise. And now I feel like I'm at Step 1 all over again and I'm not sure I want to put the effort into trying to get the relationship back.

My sister said it was very obvious that I don't like Sue (we were at Thanksgiving yesterday), but she knows how I feel and I don't think it's quite that obvious! But I could be wrong. I don't want my son to lose his grandparents though. I have to take that into account now, that it's not just me anymore. And my Dad's wife does have a lot to do with them coming to see DS. But her son's wife is pregnant now (with twins) and her mother said to her that now she would have "real" grandchildren! Yeah, there's a lot of stuff in play here! And a lot of baggage that I have to just figure out.

Thanks very much for listening though.

Debbie
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