Stop making me feel bad.

[fortato]

Open letter to the moms who think I didn't try breast feeding.


Ok... I know breast is best.. and I tried, honestly I did. So STOP MAKING ME FEEL BAD. For 3 months, every 2 hours, day and night, I tried to establish a latch. It didn't work out. I talk to LC's, I went to the hospital, I tried. My son is six months old. He got Breast milk that I pumped until he was 5 months old. I pumped every day and froze what he didn't consume in a day.

I wish I could have been able to breastfeed my son, I would have given anything to have established that bond, but it didn't work, so leave me alone.

If another mother says "oh, formula... you know it has soy in it...soy's just a cheap filler...He's getting nothing out of that" (direct quote from the table yesterday) I am going to scream.

I would love to be one of those mothers that can sit serenely while my baby nurses. I just couldn't do it.


That's it.
Kristen

[bcky2]

huge (((hugs))) i was there too. i formula fed for certain reasons that i wont bring up but i now get comments from friends and such that did/does breastfeed about how i just wouldnt understand the bond and i dont get how important it is and on and on. like i love my boys less or something. you did great, alot of mamas would have given up where you hung in there. you are doing what works for you and your family and that is what matters :)

[elliput]

Nosy b*tch, she should have kept her comments to herself. There are so many women who still don't try at all, and many who would have given up long before you even considered it. Big hugs to you for being a great mom in my eyes.

[buddyleebaby]

Oh Kristen, I'm all teary eyed over here because I KNOW how hard you worked at it and I KNOW how much you wanted to bf Jack. You are a wondeful loving mama who should not feel bad no matter what anyone else has to say. Jack has the very best mama he could possibly have.

[denna]

Big BIG Hugs Kristen. You really aren't alone. I REALLY wanted to BF DS and did for 7 weeks until I had to return to work (and its a long story that I have told SO many times) irregardless I received constant cr@p from the ped and especially my MIL it drove me crazy. I wanted to BF DS so badly and couldnt I missed it and it was hard enough on me w/o having to hear it over and over. I am sorry ppl are so rude to you! I wonder what they would say to me since DS is lactose intolerant and eating only Soy formula (grr). I dont have much advice, b/c I know 'Just ignore' them doesnt work I have tried too.

HUGS

[KrisM]

So sorry you have to deal with those types of people. Most moms would have quit long before you did.

[oliviasmomma]

One of my best friends did the same thing--she pumped for three months and her DD never latched and she still feels guilty about not being able to BF. It is so hard to do--you are basically taking double duty and it is so hard. Major kudos to you for pumping for that long, I only did it once a day and hated it.

Oh, and a thump on the head for the mamas who make those comments--that is awful, rude and so judgemental.

[HallsofVA]

I don't see how anyone could look at that cute little boy that you have and think that you in some way had let him down. He's beautiful and has a very wonderful mommy who's doing a great job! Don't pay them any mind!!

You know, I could chime in on the other side of my argument if you want some comebacks (though it probably isn't even worth your energy to respond). I did exclusively BF my son for 12 months, and continued BFing for another six months after that, and did all of the other things that they recommended for optimal health, and you know what? My son still got numerous ear infections and ended up with ear tubes (thought BFing was supposed to reduce the risk or incidence of ear infections you know). AND he still ended up with allergies to pistachios and cashews (aren't allergies something else BFing is supposed to reduce?) So much for all those health benefits!!

[Momof3Labs]

Sounds to me like you did breastfeed your son for 5 months! Even if he wasn't at your breast for that whole time, he got all the benefits of your hard-won breastmilk. Honestly, that's a whole lot more than most moms give their babies these days, even moms for whom bf'ing comes very, very easy.

How about taking a deep breath and responding to those comments with "now why on earth would you say something like that to me??" And wait for the response. If you get one. Hopefully they will just turn red and walk away.

[almostamom]

I'm so sorry that these people feel the need to make these rude comments to you. I just don't understand people who think you are a better mother if you are able to breastfeed or a worse mother if your child has formula. I find those judgements to be ridiculous. Quite frankly, it's no one else's business! Hugs to you!!!

[Globetrotter]

Sounds to me like you DID breastfeed for five months, and I know pumping exclusively takes a LOT of effort and determination. Ignore those stupid comments.

Kris

[kozachka]

(((Hugs))). People who are making these comments are simply ignorant and in their newly found 'religion' of BF presume that the only reason why you don't BF is because you have not tried hard enough. You obviously tried harder than most. And you did effectively BF for 5 months. So take pride in your achievement.

[Sillygirl]

You don't need to feel guilty. You need new acquaintances.

Who the h*ll ARE these women?

I love Lori's suggested response. "F*ck off" works nicely, too.

[buddyleebaby]

>I love Lori's suggested response. "F*ck off" works nicely,
>too.

LOL!

[daniele_ut]

You have no reason to feel guilty and I am so sorry that the insensitivity of some idiots has made you feel that way. I knowhow hard you tried, believe me, because I was in your shoes with DS 2 years ago. I also ended up EPing and Logan had EBM till he was 8 months old. Thankfully most of the women in my circle of friends patted me on the back for the Herculean effort. You should be getting the same pats mama!!

[MartiesMom2B]

Good lord Kristen, why can't people keep their mouths shut? Big hugs to you. Lori is right, you breast fed your son for 5 months. That's huge. I think it's great that you pumped for 5 months - that's impressive. I don't know why women have to be so judgemental of each other.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie
& Li'l Girl Bunny to come Feb. 2007
http://bd.lilypie.com/Kchhm4/.png (http://lilypie.com)

[lizajane]

you are a better woman than i.

i would have said, "wow, i thought exclusively pumping for 5 months, while battling cancer, for my child who was medically unable to latch was pretty darn good."

i am SO sorry that not everyone gets it that being mean to moms with bottles is NOT the way to encourage breastfeeding.

[pb&j]

Yeah, what she said.

Kristen, you're a great mama. You've nourished your child with love and commitment - every baby should be so lucky!!!


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[matthewsmom]

Liza you couldn't have said better. After having 2 kids, I feel that I have no right to judge others. Kudos to you for pumping for 5 months. That's amazing. I don't think I could have done it in your shoes. You are a strong woman. I don't understand people for being so judgemental. I think it just makes themselves feel better to feel superior than others. In reality, it's just their insecurities. Bottles is the next best thing and it's fine. I'm still amazed by you for combating your cancer and still able to pump and take care of your darling child.

[KentuckyRK]

>Sounds to me like you did breastfeed your son for 5 months!
>Even if he wasn't at your breast for that whole time, he got
>all the benefits of your hard-won breastmilk.


AMEN!!!

I hate, hate, HATE that!
One of my close friends was not able to "breast"feed, but was able to pump (as if that's any different, the point of breastfeeding is the benefits of the breast milk or at least that's what I always hear preached). She had an aquaintance over to dinner one night who looked at the bottle and gasped "YOU'RE NOT BREASTFEEDING?!?!" and then went into a long charade about why she should breast feed her child. When she finally was able to say that her son was drinking breast milk from the bottle the woman just looked at her like she was nuts. You really can't win can you!

[Laurel]

I agree with the pp's who said you DID breastfeed- for five really important months. So few moms would have pumped for such a long time! You are awesome!

Anyway, what you did and why isn't the point, the point is you are being made to feel bad. Even if you had chosen to ff from day one, no one has any business comenting on your choices.

People can say the stupidest things. Next time you get sh*t from someone, re-read the responses here.

[fortato]

Thank you.... I knew you'd all understand. It's nice to have someone on my side.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

You've really made my day!


((((((HUGS)))))) for everyone.

Kristen

[stefani]

Ugh Kristen, how could they!

You are amazing thatyou tried for so long to establish a latch (I had latch problem with DS, so I know how hard that is / was!) and pumped (I did, but not exclusively).

Just say "leave me alone, you don't know the full story".

O yes, congratulations on being cancer free, that is wonderful.

[Radosti]

Let me tell you, there are ignorant fools on both sides of the fence. I had trouble for 2 weeks, but eventually latched him on. I realize that the two weeks is nothing compared to your struggle, but it taught me how hard it is. That's part of the reason I've donated so much milk (besides having way too much and wanting to give the gift of life to another family whose baby was failing to thrive without it).

I'm still breastfeeding at almost 12 months and I have 200 ounces in the freezer. You'd think with this newest "craze", people really wouldn't be making comments to me. But, I still get them. From DH's Grandmother: "Oh, you are still breastfeeding? I gave formula to my 8 kids and they are all fine. I had a better use for my breasts."

Oh yeah, and my son nursed serenely for the first 3 months or so. After that, he sounded like a loud piglet at a trough (really loud sucking and gulping). Then, he learned how much fun it was to pop off and stare at the world every few seconds. The blanket over him got ripped off immediately so that he could see stuff. Now, he'll only nurse in my car or in my bed. That's it. So, if I want to feed him milk somewhere, it comes in a bottle. At that point, I get the same comments and glares you do. I just don't let it bother me anymore. Idiots will be idiots. Doesn't matter whether they belive one thing over the other.

Oh yeah, and my DS has always had a thick mop of hair, he was born with it and it grows really really fast. Those comments ranged from:

- Why isn't he talking/walking yet, he's got to be 18months or 2 years old??? (said in an accusing tone)

- He looks like a baby with a tupee (oh yes, this one's my favorite... the only reason she didn't get punched was because she was holding her own hairless baby).

- Oh, what a pretty girl you have (said to me while he's dressed in navy blues because well, only girls are allowed to have hair, right?)

Anyway, didn't mean for this to get so long. I just wanted to tell you not to worry. They'll always find reasons to comment.

[KAK22]

You DID BF your child!

He got the milk - it doesn't matter HOW!!!

My DD (now 22mos) was a formula baby because I was told NOT to BF by 2 docs due to meds I have to take. My milk also never came in - so 2 reasons why I could NOT have BF her. It hurts to this day that I wasn't able to provide for my DD in that way. I just try to remember that she is healthy and thriving.

One of my best friends is BF her DD. Her DH FORCED her to BF. She did not want to. She is constantly making snide remarks to me about how I didn't BF my DD. I finally told her to shove it. She hasn't said anything since. It wasn't handled in the best way - but at least she stopped making her biting comments.

I say good for all the mama's who fed their babies in whatever way worked for them!!

[sdoyle]

Oh, Kristen! I am so sorry. I was unable to breastfeed and feel your pain. People can be so cruel. My DD is 5 mo old and I still get comments. Why do women do that to each other?? Like you (and I) don't feel bad enough without the help of others??

You know you did everything you could and that is admirable. I read something on a website when I was having a difficult time that helped me. I have attached the link to this woman's blog and essays. Some of her thoughts are a little controversial but maybe a couple of her comments will help you. Wishing you peace- YOU ARE A GREAT MOMMA giving her son everything he needs!!

http://tinyurl.com/y85plc

[thomma]

I feel your frustration. My twins were 10 weeks early and I tried for 10 weeks to make it work. At one point ds was home and dd was still in the nicu...trying to bf 2 babies in 2 different places was awful. I'll never forget the snide "oh you're formula feeding" comment from a woman sitting next to me at the dr. office. But it pales in comparison to the woman who told me that if I had stuck with bfing my ds wouldn't be getting so many ear infections. I did tell her off...felt pretty good!

Kim
ds&dd 5/03

[tchrmom13]

I could have written your post. My DS and I had HUGE obstacles in our BF relationship. You sound like you are a great mommy and are doing your best to have a healthy and happy DC.

Take care and huge (((((((hugs)))))))

Heather

Mommy to William 3/20/06

[KBecks]

First, let me say, you are a pumping goddess!

Second, I'm sorry you are feeling bad. It's up to you to let go of feeling bad or inferior because you were not able to breastfeed. You obviously know it's OK, you tried (you are a pumping goddess!) and you are a good mother.

Anyone who suggests you are inferior is a loon. And you know better, so try to find confidence in your situation. It can be hard, espeically if you are in some degree of mourning the fact that it didn't work out as well as you might have wished for. That's how I felt for a long while.

Anyway, try not to let it get to you. ((Hugs))

[StantonHyde]

My favorite comment to any of these kinds of remarks is: "Hmm, I have enough trouble running my own (love life, feeding my kids, living right etc) I usually don't feel it's my place to comment on how other's live theirs."

HONESTLY--these people need to get a life!! I bfed each dc for one year, despite some early challenges--but nothing big. You women who pump for 5 mos (a friend and SIL did this) are AMAZING if you ask me--talk about cutting into your sleep etc. Hell, my brother and DH were raised on formula bottles. DH was top ranked in med school; brother grew to be 6 feet, all-state soccer player, PhD at Stanford in mechanical engineering, and neither one of these gentlemen is an axe murderer!

The bonding piece--I love those pix in the books where mom and baby are nude while feeding. These folks either have their heat turned way up or they live in a warm climate or they had summer babies. I nursed DS while keeping us both as covered as possible. It was COLD. And I feel bonded. What about people who adopt and bottle feed? They feel bonded. Yeesh. Just ignore the knuckleheads and look at your DS and KNOW that you have done well, mama.

[snowflake20]

Pumping is way harder than nursing if you ask me! I know someone who like you, has been doing that since she gave birth, and I always wondered why she would even bother pumping because it's such a pain! You should feel proud that you went the extra mile to provide breast milk for your baby. I am pumping now at work and honestly, if I had to do this when I was at home I would have given up and given her formula.

Pat yourself on the back and just ignore everyone else.

[saschalicks]

Kristen,
All I can say is BTDT. I didn't have the same BF experience, but I didn't BF for my own reasons. I've often felt shunned and the truth is that you can be a bad mom and still BF and vice versa. What does one have to do with the other?

You did the best you could, next time tell the person: "I see so you lived in my house and in my shoes and are just sure you can pass judgment." That'll shut them up :P

You're a great mama! BECAUSE I SAID SO!!! :D

[deborah_r]

I'm so sorry people make those comments to you. That is really awful.

One thing I don't get is how people know what is in the bottle? I often see women giving a bottle and I never assume it is formula (unless I see them dumping the powder in and shaking). I guess I am not observant enough to know whether it's BM of formula. I'm not going to pass judgment either way, I was just curious how people know. I guess if they are tactless enough to comment on it and make you feel bad, they probably aren't spending anytime discerning what is in the bottle.

I BF'd for 3 years, but I could NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have made it through what you did, trying to establish a latch for 3 months and all that pumping. My first 2 weeks were awful, and I could not have taken 3 months of it! You are awesome!

[Fairy]

I'm late to the party, but I'd like to also chime in for the f*ck off side of the fence.

[Fairy]

Obviously, you'vve gotten alot of support here and don't need me, but I feel compelled to chime in anyway. You beat me, as DS only got 9 days of my paltry breastmilk. Even so, I consider him breastfed for nine days. You breastfed for five months, which is so much longer than alot of people breastfeed for, and pumping is SO HARD. As some folks know, I am a big supporter of feeding however you choose, and if that means formula-feeding just cuz ya don't wanna breastfeed, that's no one's damn business but your own.

You rest assured that you did the best you could for you and your baby. That means different things for different people, and whatever you did, it was true for you. These lame-ass mothers -- and non-mothers! -- who think it's ok to comment on your feeding approach are real pieces of work.

You go! We got your back!
-- Fairy

[TraciG]

Some people are morons ! You did an EXCELLENT job, you did everything you could, & I think it's very impresssive that you pumped for 5 months !!!!!!!!!!!!

[boys2enough]

WOW. WTF? Where and when did that happen? You mean I missed the opportunity to whip out my wet noodle and use it on Lady Judgemental???!!!!

You BFed for 5 months!!!! That's 5 months longer than I lasted! My hat's off to you for making all the efforts and doing all the work. That required some serious dedication and perseverance. :)

Cheers, Lin

http://smilies.vidahost.com/kao/otn/pnkypanda.gif

[maestramommy]

Geez, what is wrong with people? In this day and age almost everyone knows that Bfing is best, so almost everyone tries to. I've learned that in my mom's group by not saying a thing. Eventually their story comes out. It is SO HARD when you want to bf and try, and eventually have to give up.

I can't believe another mom would say something like that soy filler remark. Grrrr!

[fortato]

Ahh-- the where and when question needs to be answered...


We were sitting at the table at my mum's house- it's a huge table... seats 16... so it's like this:

x ME x x x x
x x
x x x x x Her


And she says, out loud to "no one in particular" (While she looks at me feeding my DS) "I'm glad Izzy doesn't have any intolerances, she nurses like a champ. I'd hate to have to give her formula. Most formulas have soy in them and all soy is is cheap filler"

I can laugh at it now, because I know she's just a bag of poop. But at the time I was appalled that she would say it out loud, like she has no inner monologue. That and this is also the same woman that said her daughter wouldn't like Enfamil, because it tasted like crap. Um...hello? Formula isn't supposed to appeal to an adult with refined palates. Stupid clam.

oh well...thank you all again for listening and sending me your encouragement. I know I am a good mom, and he did get the best nutrition he could get. I just hate insensitive people.

Kristen