Please mind your own business!

[sarahsthreads]

Yes, DD is two. No, I'm not pregnant again yet. Yes, we do want another child...please stop asking me about it!

I kind of thought my family would be so over asking this question, especially since it took us 3 YEARS to conceive DD, but they're not. Honestly, though, I have no problem giving them a dirty look whenever they bring up the subject this time around, and I've even gone so far as to tell some of them off. (Very unlike me, but I couldn't help it. My feelings can only be hurt so many times before I stop biting my tongue.)

But the complete strangers are really starting to wear on me. DD and I were out for a grand total of an hour this morning and four (4!) separate people asked me when we were planning on having a second child.

So, first off, why is that ANY of their business?

And secondly, what the heck am I supposed to say? I'm seriously tempted to smack my forehead and say "A second child? You can do that? Why did we never think of such a thing?!?" But then I think that's not very friendly of me so I don't.

I love my daughter. I adore her. I want another little person in my life. I want to be pregnant again. We've been trying. I'm terrified it's going to be another long ordeal, because it's been almost 6 months already. I'm trying to decide whether I can be happy with one child if it comes to that, because I don't think I have it in me to go through all of that again. And I don't want to have my heart break a little every time I have to answer this question again over the holidays with our families and every time we go out in public. Can I start wearing a shirt that says "Why yes, I *am* infertile, thanks for asking!"? Maybe I should just make up little business cards to hand out that say that when someone asks.

Thanks for letting me vent.
Sarah :(

[dules]

Something that has worked for me is simply saying, "Why, what a personal question!" in a friendly but slightly shocked tone. Usually stops them. Another one is to say "She was a long time coming and we feel so blessed already..." and leave it at that.

It took us 4 years so I know how you feel. And now that DD is three, people are starting to assume (and state) that we must be done since we are not pg again. Where is it written that kids must be no more than three years apart?

Anyway, you're not alone! Hang in there and much luck to you.


Mary

[mamato1]

OOH I feel your pain except in my case we are most likely done having kids. I can not even begin to tell you about the constant assault I get... oh, don't you want another baby?, how can you let your DS grow up without a brother or sister?, what about when you are gone, who will your child have for family?.
I mean really, since when were people so concerned about my child's welfare 30-40 years from now! This decision was not an easy one and occasionally I feel like we are still on the fence. I do not need to be harrassed about all the reasons others why people think I should be procreating!!!
Chris

Mama to Brendan, aka Boomer, my little peanut who is allergic to peanuts! 01/16/04


http://b3.lilypie.com/FnI6m5/.png

[LarsMal]

Where do people get off?!?! I can understand family asking (although that gets rude after a while, too) but complete strangers?! I just don't get it.

I have had the opposite experience throughout this pregnancy. People look at me like I'm a slut or something b/c I'm preggo with such a little one (even though I'm clearly old enough, and married!). I was in the grocery store with DS a month or so ago (so he was about 13/14 months). My belly must've been hidden by DS in the cart. This woman came by with her little boy in their cart and said something like, "Oh, he loves seeing people his size." I smiled and stepped away from the cart and she looks at my belly and says, "OH! ANOTHER ONE ALREADY!" I was shocked. Then she says, "Well, I guess that's okay. He'll have a playmate." and they walked away. Thanks for your approval lady! I want to wear a sign that says: "Public Service Announcement- You can get pregnant while breastfeeding!" (or in my case, two weeks after you stop!

Why can't people just mind their business! I suggest you give 'em hell!!!!

[Melanie]

I'm sorry, Sarah. That must be painful for people to keep bringing it up and 'digging' up wounds.

The answer I used to give was, "Yes, when Ds goes to college." Another response I read from a BBBer was: "Why do you ask?" That seemed pretty appropriate to me.

[kellyotn]

Strangers just don't think about it past it being "conversation". They don't consider there might be fertility issues or other things at play. I love the shocked, "What a PERSONAL question!" reply.

Or, if I'm feeling educational, "Ya know, that question is really hard to answer for a woman who may be having fertility problems." Doesn't help you, but maybe they don't hurt the next woman who crosses their path with a two-year old in tow.

Your family is a whole other story. Tell 'em off, and loudly! :)

Best of luck to you.

[sarahsthreads]

Thanks, everyone, for the commiseration. I know people aren't purposely trying to be hurtful, which is why I try not to be rude back at them. I'm going to try to keep some of your nice, but conversation-ending, replies on the tip of my tongue for next time!

My standard family response has been "Oh, please, Aunt so-and-so, you know as well as I do from last time that you can't possibly plan on these things!" Unfortunately, then they start asking more questions, and when it comes right down to it, I'm not really all that comfortable discussing my sex life over Thanksgiving dinner, thank-you-very-much!

But reading your replies has at least saved me from baking and consuming an entire pan of brownies this afternoon. I was definitely feeling the need for chocolate to drown my miseries in, which is the absolute last thing I need to start doing!

Sarah :)

[buddyleebaby]

Hugs, Sarah. People suck.

Sending you lots and lots of baby making vibes.

[Bean606]

We were married for 9 years and I was 36 before DS came along. DS is only 5 months old, and people are ALREADY asking us if we are going to have a second. My response - "We already have the perfect child. Why would we try for another one?" The truth is, we haven't decided about #2 yet. However, that is none of anybody's business. In fact, when people asked us (time and again) before DS was born when we were going to have kids - I would just tell people we didn't want any, even when we were actively trying, because we didn't want to have a conversation about what difficulty we were having with perfect strangers who had no business asking.

[jgriffin]

Before I was pregnant with E (but we were TTC) there were 2 women pregnant at my office. So at least once a week at lunch someone would bring up the "I wonder who's next" conversation, naming all the attached-but-no-kids women in the office (me included) and trying to work out when they would, or should, have kids. I hated it. I would just smile and make some non-commital remark like "when it happens it happens." E took us several years, and the whole time I would have *loved* to have been pregnant, thank you very much.

At least one person asked me if we were going to have a second child *while* I was pregnant with E. And when I came back to work briefly last week, someone asked me if we were going to have a third! Um, can I work on getting this one out, first? And why is it your business, anyway?

[sidmand]

We had a playgroup today, with a brandnew mom I had never met. Literally, the second thing she said to me when she came through my front door was, "You only have one? Do you plan on having another?"

I was so taken aback that I answered her and then I realized after she left that she asked a whole host of personal questions, but asked them so quickly and so loudly, that stupid me just kind of answered!

Like if DS was talking yet (he's not, but this was probably for personal interest since her son is almost 2 and starting EI in a couple of weeks as well).

I need to be better prepared for next time! It hasn't happened so much to me yet, but I've been noticing that in all our activities most of the Moms are pregnant with their (at least) second. We're hoping to go the adoption route, but still haven't figured out all the details, but I know where you're coming from.

Sorry for the nosy people. I think the "What a personal question..." is a good response. Doesn't seem too nasty, but gets the point across.

Debbie
http://b2.lilypie.com/BI7Tm5.png

[kfk]

Sarah,

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. People just don't think: either family or complete strangers. But that doesn't excuse the hurt they might cause. I'm sure it's hard enough looking at all seemingly carefree pregnant gals with toddlers without people reminding you of your own challenges. We were together for 13 years and I was 35 before I was able to have a "successful" pregnancy. And we went through hell for that. Now, having twins has excused me from most of the comments you get, though I've had my share. I would use my stock "it was a long road to get these guys" and change the subject. I do get to deal with the incessant "you have your hands full", "double trouble", and "just wait until they're x age" doomsaying. I usually shrug, but sometimes I can't help giving that person a dirty look.

Am pretty sure we're due for some interesting comments in the future if things progress . . .

[MonicaH]

I just wanted to say that my DD has the same birthday as your DS!

Monica

[denna]

I am sorry that ppl are so nosy and rude to you Sarah. I am glad some other mamas were able to give you some good comebacks for next time this happens (wish there wasnt a next time though). Good luck mama!

And to Keri, just wanted to say Congrats on your #3 miracle!

[Lovingliv]

You know, it's dam*ed if you do, Dam*ed if you don't.

I'm getting the "OH my gosh,,,,,again,,,,,,so soon?"

Had we waited a few months, I am sure people would have been saying "when are you going to have another?"

[DrSally]

Oh man, see that's why people should think before they talk. I'm sure they are just saying the first thing that comes to mind thinking it's just chit chat, but you never know someone's circumstances and what painful situation may be in the background. I'm sorry the questions bring up such painful feelings. Your family should know better. I'm no expert, but I think there is a somewhat greater chance (don't know how much greater) of conceiving the 2nd time around after having a hard time conceiving the first. It all depends though, so I can see why you have so many fears. Try your best to put these comments out of your mind and enjoy your daughter and the holidays!

[DrSally]

That's crazy! We'll prob have ours close together too, since we started when I was 34, but people say I look 25, so now I'll know what to expect! Ugh!

[lisams]

I'm so sorry, I have so been there. People just don't get it. It sucks having to be reminded so often by people's insensitive comments.

(((((hugs)))))

[MamaMolly]

Sarah,
I'm feelin' it for you! We were married 8 years and I was 35 before we were able to have DD through IVF. Didn't help that MIL was Fertile Mertile and got pregnant by sneezing!

People can really stink. I want to try and have another soon, but the only encouragement I'm getting is from my OBGYN. The rest of the world is aghast that I want the next one back to back.

Can't win for loosing, can we? :*
Hang in there sister.
Molly

[ShanaMama]

I really feel for you. It must be hard enough trying with all the fears & doubts, without everyone's rude and thoughtless comments.
We aren't ready to try for #2, although I know I want a large family. I am starting to get the feeling that evey time I say DD is 18 mo, the person's eyes drop to my stomach to see if I have a belly yet.
That's strangers. We won't mention that I can never act out of it or say I have a stomachache at work, because everyone's wheels start spinning.... and with family, it's the worst. If DH ever mentions to anyone that I'm not feeling well, I insist that he say: "she has strep," "she sprained her ankle," etc. so as not to let their imagination run wild. No one actually comments, but I know what they are thinking. I can't stand it!

[oliviasmomma]

I'm with you!! I would give anything to be pg with #2 but it just isn't happening. Liv was a suprise anyway, so we kind of knew it might not happen, or that it would take a while. I am so sick of answering this question. I want to answer, "Well, DH and I practice all the time--in fact, right before we left today," just to shut them up.

[sarahsthreads]

>I'm with you!! I would give anything to be pg with #2 but it
>just isn't happening. Liv was a suprise anyway, so we kind of
>knew it might not happen, or that it would take a while. I am
>so sick of answering this question. I want to answer, "Well,
>DH and I practice all the time--in fact, right before we left
>today," just to shut them up.

*snicker*

About a year after we were married (so, 4-ish years before DD was born), one of DH's cousins, AT HER FATHER'S WAKE, asked us the following question:

"Why don't you two have kids yet? What's the matter, don't you know how to do it or something?"

If it had been ANY other situation, I would have been sorely tempted to say, "Well, maybe not - why don't you clear off that table over there and you can tell us what we've been doing wrong?"

I'd chalk it up to grief over her father's death, but she's really that insane all the time. I can't wait to see her for the holiday party this month. I'm sure she'll be wondering why kid number 2 isn't on his/her way yet...

I hope things work out for both of us soon!

Sarah :)

[sarahsthreads]

Thanks again for all the stories and encouragement. DH reminded me that things are not nearly as bleak as last time - after all, we have DD! - and that there's no reason to really start being so down about it this quickly. Especially because I've said all along I wanted our children to be spaced around 3 years apart - we're not even to that point yet. He's right, it was just so many comments in such a short period of time it kind of took me by surprise and really got me down.

I think I'm going to officially go with, "Well, we're just enjoying DD so much right now we're not quite ready to add another child to our family. We will when the time is right." With heavy emphasis on it being completely light-hearted and accompanied by a smile. If I *pretend* to not be bothered by the comments, then maybe I'll eventually feel that way, right?

(I did, however, go and buy one of those ovulation predictor kits today. Can't hurt, even if they didn't help much last time...)

Sarah :)

[DrSally]

Now that I think of it, I've had Dh's relatives say, "Oh, so you finally figured out how to do that" when we announced I was preggo. Wow, how invasive.

[kfk]

Thanks so much! We're truly surprised, given my medical history, and overwhelmed, as well. My DH keeps commenting how it was "getting too calm around here" (ha ha). But it's early days yet. I am tired and pukey. I see the OB-GYN on Friday and hopefully that will go well.

[jse107]

I'm right there with ya! I would LOVE to be PG again, but after miscarrying in Sept. it just hasn't happened yet. So, I've just told people, "It's not for lack of trying!" I get so frustrated with people who just can't comprehend that we all can't just lie down and get PG!

On top of that, I have a bunch of people talking about ho some women have to temp, use those OPKs, and the like. Well, guess what?! I'm one of those women! Grrr....

Hang in there! Hopefully it will happen for us soon!

[oliviasmomma]

O....M....G LOL! I don't know how you kept from giving her that answer--does she have kids? Maybe ask her for pointers??!!

People are so dense sometimes!

[oliviasmomma]

Lovely. I can't believe how nervy people can be when it come to babies--it's like your uterus and fertility are on display at all times.

[AngelaS]

People don't get it. We had years of questions from nosy busybodies and a year of infertility before we got our second. My standard response to the "when are you having another one?" question became,"We're having sex twice a day, but so far, no baby." Funny how when you throw the word SEX into a conversation about conceiving babies, people get the hint FAST that they're asking a very personal question. ;)

[sarahsthreads]

>People don't get it. We had years of questions from nosy
>busybodies and a year of infertility before we got our second.
> My standard response to the "when are you having another
>one?" question became,"We're having sex twice a day, but so
>far, no baby." Funny how when you throw the word SEX into a
>conversation about conceiving babies, people get the hint FAST
>that they're asking a very personal question. ;)

With my luck they'd then start on about how it's better if you only have sex every other day, and we'd get into a conversation I don't *ever* want to have with anyone in my (or DH's!) family! :D It might throw the complete strangers off enough to make a quick escape though...

Sarah :)