Freinds(just another dysfunctional family) Secret Santa..warning long

[robinsonbn]

Ok I know it's been awhile since I have been on here. I miss the boards but have been so busy expecailly now that the holidays are here. Anyway, of course I get on here to complain but I need some advice while I complain....So our freinds cirlce is like a second family...including the little arguments. Somehow DH and I manage to always be the ones in the middle desperatly trying to claw our way out of it. This year everyone decided to do a gift exchange only problem is 4 of our freinds (two couples) decided to, and were hoping to leave the other 6(3 more couples) out. Well, those decided we do one as well. So of course it would make sense we all do one together since DH and I are having everyone over Christmas Eve anyway. Well, each group is worried about buying one of the DW's from the second group a gift because we all have only known her a year and wouldn't know what to get her(though I would it seems I am the only one who cared enough to get to know our freinds fiance and now new bride) Then, one of the first 4 doesn't get along with 1 of the second group. Because the one dated the other's DH back in highschool. The DH and the ex are still close freinds but that is all, and that DW(the ex) doesn't get along with another DW from the second group because she dated her DH in highschool and made some accusations 4 years ago or something...i dunno...the point is we all still hang out get along. Those who don't get along usually act cordial to one another and everything is good. I mean how long can a person hold a grudge! Well, I said that since these DW's who are not fans of each other do not want to purchase gifts for one another in a secret santa I would switch with whomever got someone they were not happy with. DH also offered to do this...well no-one seemed to like that plan so now they all want us to be in not 2 but 3 secret santa's and all think we should exchange at the party....my head is going to explode! Especailly since I (the one with the youngest child) was nominated to coordinate each one...how you ask...because I am the only SAHM! So I think I deserve the right to say One secret Santa if you don't like it don't participate! I mean really so you buy a gift for someone your less than fond of, it's Christmas the time for giving, forgiveness, love! The funniest part about this is they never have a problem looking past their issues for things as trivial as a barbecue....sorry I know this sounds like something out of highschool, or a movie about a horribly dysfunctional family but well that's what we are...and it drives me nuts...any advice?

[s7714]

Group politics are always so annoying, especially around the holidays! I go through a similar thing, but in my case it's family members.

Maybe you could suggest dropping the Secret Santa concept all around and just have a white elephant type exchange at your Christmas Eve gathering? That way no one would be buying a gift for any one specific and no one would get left out?

Jennifer
Mommy to
Miss Pure Energy 3/03
Miss Antsy-Pants 6/05

Calling fellow BBB SoCal moms...we'd love to meet you!
(100 posts & BBB member for 3 months req'd)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/babybargainssocal/

[robinsonbn]

What is a White Elephant exchange? It is sad but my family is actually very calm and freindly over the Holidays. But my siblings and DH's Sister pretty much only see each other over Holidays and maybe 2 or 3 other times during the year. We all live across the country so maybe that's why.. Our 2nd family (our freinds) we all see each other well we see someone at least once a day....guess that leaves time for the politics to get really bad..

[saschalicks]

A white elephant is where you put a price limit like $25 and each person brings a non-gender gift. Everyone draws numbers (based on how many gifts are there) and then you pick in that order. There are variations on the following, but then the next person can take the gift that was opened before them (or any if there are more then one) and the person taken from would have to pick another wrapped gift. When I do this we say that a gift can only be "stolen" 3 times and then it's no longer available. It's fun to see what everyone fights over. This would be a fun thing and would put no pressure on anyone to buy for anyone in particular. It would also make your life a lot easier as far as groups go. Like I said you can make the rules any way you want them. I will say the best gifts are the gift certificates to places like Starbucks or Barnes and Noble.

On another note being a SAHM to a baby does mean you have all of the time in the world, so remember to make this as easy on YOU as possible.

[robinsonbn]

That is a really good idea. My only complaint about me being chosen because I am a SAHM is that there are two couples with no children and 1 with an older child. Now she is currently expecting but she isn't working either. Another is only working 2 days a week and her and I have the youngest children (2 months and 5 months). I am just saying we could join together to plan or something. Apparently my no job but finishing a degree and having a 2 month old isn't busy enough to get help. ( I really do enjoy being the entertainer..except for when people start dictating how it should be done without offering to help)

[s7714]

I was just coming back to add that you could also make it a pot-luck function to cut down on the amount of food prep time you have to endure! ;)

Jennifer
Mommy to
Miss Pure Energy 3/03
Miss Antsy-Pants 6/05

Calling fellow BBB SoCal moms...we'd love to meet you!
(100 posts & BBB member for 3 months req'd)
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/babybargainssocal/

[KrisM]

How about doing an ornament exchange instead? Everyone just buys a tree ornament and play some sort of game to pick what you get.

[KrisM]

>On another note being a SAHM to a baby does mean you have all
>of the time in the world, so remember to make this as easy on
>YOU as possible.

Gosh, I hope you meant to add a "not" in there! I sure don't have all the time in the world.

[SammyeGail]

We did White Elephant (we call it Dirty Santa) in our family for a few years. One year my brother and newphew got into a fight about a stupid spice rack. My brother wanted it for his new wife and newphew for his girlfriend. We didn't have a 3 times rule, should have!! We had family members stealing it back and forth till the end, everyone but 2 of us (about 18 people) was on one or the others side, going to give it to them later. It was crazy. Whats worse is I'm the one who brought the spice rack. It was pretty though.

When we exchange names, someone coordinates a wish list. We each have to tell her 3-4 things we'd like to have in the price range and she would relay it to the person who had our name. That was alot easier. Maybe thats an option for you. for the ones who don't want to buy for so-n-so can go get it overwith quickly. I would have a no name swapping rule (thru you) if they want to swap, do it amoung themselves. In our family this was done openly at Thanksgiving, it was tacky and sad. Your family, get over your grudges.....

Hopefully things will go well for you and your friends and you have a great day.

Samantha

[dules]

Without reading the other responses and not meaning to sound harsh to your friends - they need to get out of high school. It's over, people are married, high school romances are long gone and done.

Next, as for the party, it sounds like way too much for you to coordinate (not that you can't but it seems like an unfair request) so how about doing a Yankee Swap where each couple brings a gift (set a price that everyone will be comfortable with - there were some very good $25 suggestions in the Lounge the other day), then each couple draws a number from a hat and gifts are chosen in that order.

Google the rules to Yankee Swap to get the rest but basically any couple can "claim" any gift that was opened before their turn, or choose to "keep" theirs (but that does not mean that the next couple can't take it). The couple with #1 gets their pick of all once they're open.

This way you're giving to couples and don't have to single out one person (like the new wife you don't know) and keep it slightly generic so that anyone would like to have it.

If you want to exchange gifts with your best friends at another time, that's different. Just sounds like it won't be appropriate among a gathering of all of these folks.


Good luck!

Mary

[dules]

sorry

[SammyeGail]

Great way to put it Mary!!

Samantha

[Jacksonvol]

Brittany,

I am sorry you have to deal with this. Maybe one idea is to drop the gift giving thing totally and have each couple make a donation to charity. If you are getting together on Christmas Eve, you would not have time for an Angel Tree kid, Toys for Tots, etc., but you could come up with a charity, local or national, and make a donation there. We are moving towards this in some of my groups and it seems to be well received.

Someone might not want to give a gift to someone they somehow still have issues with, but they would likely feel o.k. making a donation to charity.

I second the potluck thing. Put the food challenged in charge of paper plates, napkins and drinks.

You are wise to keep the focus on the meaning of Christmas and not the "gifty" part.

Good Luck.

[niccig]

It's going to be at your house and you have to organise it, right? I would say that you email EVERYONE and say because it's a busy time of year blah blah blah instead of secret santa, we're doing the present exchange as it's easier to organise. Then go on to say that the meal will be pot luck and this is what we need and people need to sign up for it. If they're too slow responding to bring the soda, then tough they have to bring a side dish - with everything at supermarkets and delis they don't have to cook. We do that with a big group (50) women for a christmas brunch, it's a lot of fun stealing the presents and the food burden is shared by all.

And if they don't like it, then tough. I'm sorry, but why should you and your DH deal with all the juvenile behaviour. You've got better things to do, like look after your DC and study!

Nicci who's off to study for her final exam and has no time for childish adults....

[robinsonbn]

Thanx everyone all your ideas sound great. And I don't think anyone was being mean I agree it is absurd how they hold grudges, and it drives me nuts. I mean I am the youngest of all of them and my freinds from back when have all gotten over whatever happened back then. We actually usually laugh about it all. Sometimes I just want to tell them to get over themselves I mean I love them all but seriously. Anyway, thankyou everyone again I think we are going to go with the Charity idea...I mean if everyone has enough in this world to be pety about who they buy for then we all should be giving something to those in need.