21 and pregnant - and yes, I actually PLANNED it!

[JoyNChrist]

So I don't know if I've ever mentioned this here before, but I'm only 21. I married DH at 20 and got pregnant pretty much right away (actually, two weeks after giving up the pill, if my calculations are correct). And here's the real shocker...I actually planned on it working out that way. And we're happy about it. Crazy, huh?

I just don't know why people seem to automatically assume that this baby was an accident (family and random acquaintances...the joys of living in a small town). For the record, I've always wanted a large family (ideally six kids, if I can get DH to go through with it). My dream has always been to be a wife and mommy - everything else came second to that. In college, my friends nicknamed me Mrs. Cleaver. Seriously, I would've been the perfect 50's woman...I was just born a few decades late.

So as soon as I met DH and realized he was "the one" (I know that sounds cheezy), I figured, "why wait?" DH has a college degree, owns his own business, and is financially stable. I finished my BA early and will begin working on my master's after the baby gets here. We just purchased our first home, and we pay all our bills without outside help. So why do people act like it's such a shame that we're going to be "saddled" with a baby so early?

I want this baby.
I planned this baby.
DH and I are thrilled about this baby.

This is exactly what we want. And we couldn't be happier. Why is that so hard to believe?!?

Sorry, I'm just full of bitches this week. People suck.

[FiveLittleDucks]

I could've written your post exactly, except my DH was actually still in school when we got married and had our first.

People are dumb. And ignorant. And thoughtless. And you'll be a phenomenal mother. Congrats on the new little one!!

[robinsonbn]

Your story sounds just like mine. Literally. I am only 21 I married DH when I was 20 we met when I was 18 right after I got to college. He has a degree and is financially stable and I am finishing mine. People also assumed our DS (now 2months) was an accident. But he wasn't we planned for him, I mean they did mostly because I am just now in my last year of college and was supossed to graduate well in 2 weeks but since DS I pushed it back to May. All of our freinds and family tried forever to have their children and it only took us well pretty much our first try. I decided I wanted to start the family now because of several reasons one; DH is 6 years older than I am and I to want to have a large family (4-6). I know that he doesn't want to be 40 when the last is born. Also, I am planning on pursuing a masters which I feel I can do while DS is still young and we will have our 2nd around then. Then since we want them each to be about 2 years apart that gives me two years to get into my career. Basically, it just works for us this way. Anyway, I just wanted to say I completly understand tell me do you get that weird feeling when your out without your DH...like people are staring at you thinking mean things? I still get that feeling all the time especailly when just my parents and I run somewere weird huh? Don't worry ignore people you are happy and will soon have an amazing little one. Congrats by the way. Motherhood is truly a gift. :)

[JoyNChrist]

I totally know what you mean about the weird feeling...my mom came to my last OB appointment with me because DH was working out of town. I felt the crazy desire to assure everyone in the waiting room that I was married, lol.

Thanks for the input - it really does make me feel better. I just don't know how people can be so insensitive and just plain rude, ya know?

[JoyNChrist]

Thanks - you made me feel better. :-)

I can usually just ignore people, but sometimes I just want to slap them and tell them to mind their own business, ya know?

[denna]

Okay I am sorry to revel in this while you are upset but can I just say that I am so happy that there are other mommies on here that are younger? :D Like a couple PPs have said, I could have written this post. DH and I met when I was 18yo, got married when I was 20 and 1 week before my 21st bday I found out I was pg w/ DS. He was born in Apr and I turned 22 in September. DH is also 6 years older than me and I wanted to have my DCs when I was younger for several reasons, and I want at least 3 so I figure this way it works for both of us :).
Trust me we have gotten the stares and the comments. I see ppl my age partying, drinking, etc. BUt that was NEVER the life for me even when I was in HS or college I never wanted that, this is what Ive always wanted and I am so happy that I have it. Most of the comments (not all rude just not desirable) are from DH's family. They are surprised I am so young and often 'tease' me. I dont think they realize how much I dont like it, but I am happy DH is happy and we have a wonderful DS. That is what keeps me from 'going off' on all the rude ones out there(!). Just think about all you have, and that it is the life thats right for you! I know its hard but who cares what anyone else thinks.

Congrats!

Denna

[caffeinedreams]

I empathize with you; however, I'm not a young mommy, but rather an "old" one which also bothers people! I'm 38, which has garnered some comments from people who should really mind their own business. To top it off, I have an 18-year-old stepdaughter and have been married for 11 years, and this is my first baby. This has confounded people to no end, who have expressed shock that soon-to-be empty nesters would want to have a baby in the house. To hear others talk, they are counting down the minutes until their kid goes to college, and we are insane for "starting over" with another. Well, we have enjoyed every minute of parenting my SD, so why not?

Apparently, there is a window of ages during which it is acceptable to become a mother--fall on either side of it, and you will hear about it. :)

Don't let people's comments bother you. So many people simply don't think before they speak, and some may be a bit envious that you are so together at your age. Congratulations on your little Avery!

[JBaxter]

You know I got the same reaction when I got pregnant w/ Nathan at 35. My other sons were 12 & 9 and lots of people assumed Nathan was an accident. I got a lot of "why would you want to go through diapers again - my response was cause they dont come pre potty trained Or Did your birth control stop working - No it was working fine I just didnt use it. My FAV is Do you know how old you will be when he graduates -- yes I can do the math :)

I dont think it matters when you have babies there will always be comments about SOMETHING.

[mom to little e]

I understand! Young, old. Everyone has their opinion and evidently feel a burning desire to share it. Try being 40 and thinking about a third. People think I'm crazy since I have a son and a daughter. One of each, right? I should be done (according to them).

Congratulations to you for your little Avery and for being a great Mommy!

Maryann

[LarsMal]

Once again, why can't people just mind their own business?! Some people are so judgemental, it's ridiculous! I'm not as young as you, but I was the first of most of my friends to get married/have a baby. Unfortunately I don't keep in touch with most of those single friends anymore because they decided I was "boring". Sorry- going to bars and drooling over stupid bar-rats wasn't my cup of tea after I got married!

My mom was 21 when she had her first, and had five kids by the time she was 30. I love having a young mom. She has a lot of energy and can do a lot with DS.

You'll be a great mom! Don't worry about what others think/say. Some are probably just jealous anyway. Nothing you can do about that!

[elliput]

There are many people in this world who just can not understand any circumstance other than their own. Too young, too old, not married long enough, waited too long, only child, two children of same sex, more than two. All of these things go against the "norm". PPPTTHHHBBBB! Is what I say. The "norm" is a statistical mean and is actually meaningless.

You know what your path in life should be, not these busybody's who can't keep their traps shut. Laugh at them for being myopic.

[Mommy Of A Little Angel]

I know where you are coming from! I was 20 when I got married and then had DD at 23. Of course, I look really young so I got many many stares/glares while I was pregnant. I was in line at the bank with my brother and some woman actually tsked at us! I wanted to get married at 20 and DD was completely planned. Of course, when I got married, LOTS of people were convinced that we were pregnant - as if there was not other reason to get married. Some people just need to mind their own business!

I agree about the 50's woman thing. I stayed at home/finished college before DD, and now I am a SAHM and I love it!

Don't worry about other people - just remember how happy you are!

[Radosti]

Well, I am not too young or too old for the comments... I am turning 30 this month and have a kiddo who is a year old today. However, I LOOK very young. Always have. I have a BS & an MS, bought my second home almost 2 years ago (made a great investment when I bought my first home). I have worked for the same pharmaceutical company since 1998. So, lets recap... I am very stable financially, DH and I got our fill of travel in before the baby, and I am not too young or old... but I still get comments.

Because if I look very young, I must be. I actually get accused of lying when I tell them I am almost 30. Really, I am... I'm not making it up. But nope, they don't believe me. I couldn't possibly be a day over 21, just a baby in their eyes.

So, I try to look at it in a positive light. I won't need plastic surgery to look young... I already look it. DS is growing up in a very stable and highly educated family. So, dear opinionated freak, go ahead and card me as I order a glass of wine while playing with DS. Go ahead and shake your judgemental head at me. Or you can just bite me.

[cstack]

Oooh! Me, too, me, too. I married dh at 20 (after knowing him only 6 weeks, but I'll save that story for another time), got pg at 20, lost that baby, got pg again 20 days later (no one told me you could get pg so easily after a m/c). DS#1 was born 2 weeks after I turned 22. I always wanted to be a wife and mother and I love it (although that whole housework thing still gets me, lol). My DD (actually #2 cuz I have a step) was born 2 1/2 years later. 10 years later - surprise! (he was an accident, but he's the light of my life and I thind God knew I needed him even if I didn't). Parenting at 22 was definitely different than at 32, but that's just because I was different personally, not because young moms are worse than older moms or vice versa.

Now, keep in mind that being a young mom can mean you become a young grandma, too. DstepD (almost 20) will have her first in January and DS#1 (almost 17) became a daddy yesterday, so I am now a 38yo grandma. Well, I guess there are worse things I could be.

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

Stacy , I can totally relate. But pregnant at 41 and 42 i really tough for some people to grasp. The number of questios I got from strangers about fertility treatments was obnoxious! Do I KNOW you??
Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[Raidra]

It really sucks getting all those nasty comments and looks, I know. I was 23 when Colwyn was born, and I look younger. Just tell them all to shove it. ;)

My husband and I started dating when I was 15, got "engaged" when I was 17 (although we agreed not to actually get married for a while, since we were so young), moved in together when I was 19, and started planning our wedding when I was 22. When we saw how much the wedding was going to cost, we decided to get pregnant first and just have a small backyard wedding (we thought that scaling down the wedding would be more acceptable to our families if we were already pregnant). There was no way we'd have been able to afford a baby right after getting married - which is what we wanted - if we spent $20k+ on a wedding. So when people see our wedding photo and I'm 6 months pregnant in it, I always feel the need to explain. The way we planned it makes it look even more unplanned than just us being young would have looked.

My mom had me when she was 19, and I thought it was awesome having a young mom growing up. And now she's a fantastic grandmother - she has energy to get down on the floor and play with the kids, which is something my mother-in-law, who is nearing 60, would never do.

Oh, and as for feeling like a 50's woman, I feel the same way. My husband teases me about being a feminist's worst nightmare. ;) It's not that I think all (or even most) women should devote their lives to being wives and mothers, but it's definitely what I want to focus my energy on.

[megs4413]

it's neat to see how many young moms there are here! i started dating DH at 15 and we got married at 20 and 21 (he is 8mos younger than me). DD was born before my 22nd birthday and we're preggo with our FINAL child right now...i keep joking that DH will be "done" having kids before he's 23! my favorite part is when people LITERALLY check my hand to see if there's a ring! FTR, there's a BIG FAT ROCK on my left hand and i love showing it off when someone is blatantly looking for it...

BUT

i'm going to bitch about your bitch, OK? and take this knowing i'm not upset with you...it's all said in good humor...

I didn't plan DD...i'm so tired of people acting like we made a "mistake" by getting pregnant....it was the ABSOLUTE best thing that has ever happened to us and we could not be happier with how it turned out. i really couldn't have planned it better. being financially stable, married, etc...is not the key to having a child...and having a college degree doesn't make you a better parent than me.

I got pregnant my senior year of college...we weren't even living together at the time (we really weren't usually "doing it" but there was ONE night....) and DH was just starting a new program at a new university....we had been engaged for years and had just postponed our wedding because of DH's new plans for school (everyone told us we needed to finish school before we got married which hoenstly was the worst advice we ever got). i ended up getting pg the week we were supposed to get married! we ended up getting married when i was 6 mos preggo and two weeks after we found out DH had cancer. see, God knew Dh wasn't finishing school that year. and he knew that we needed to be together to help eachother through the cancer....He also knew that the docs were going to tell us DH's reproductive chances post chemo woudl be 50/50 and we didn't have the finances to freeze sperm...so when the surgeon sat us down to tell us that we needed to talk about freezing sperm (on our 6th anniversary, btw) i was able to say, "it's OK. i'm 6 mos pregnant." the surgeon breathed a sigh of relief and said, "thank god we're not under that gun. we need to operate tomorrow."

and we are SO SO SO happily married now and planned this little one the whole way...we were really lucky that we were able to conceive again and we're happy that our kids will get to grow up together. despite the rough start DH ended up landing an awesome job he would never have gotten had we still been living hours away at school, and we bought a house we love. but i'm tired of having to defend my own daughter to people who call her an "accident". or a "mistake"...she was a GIFT. and i wish everyone could see it that way. she's not lesser because she wasn't planned.

[robinsonbn]

WOW it is really refreshing to see all the responses. Good topic. To the pp who mentioned people looking for a ring I completly understand. I was a victim of hand swelling during my pregnancy and from week 26 on my wedding ring didn't fit. I actually would get looks like I was lying when I would use the phrase "my husband", it was all I could do to not say "listen you judgemental idiot ever heard of water retention!" Also, I understand the whole freinds out drinking and everything, I turned 21 while I was pregnant and people were always saying "wow aren't you upset you can't drink on your 21rst"...and "OMG I am so sorry for you" but IMO I could have cared less I was getting a much better gift for my 21rst year..my DS.

[JoyNChrist]

Wow, what an incredible story. I'm so happy that things worked out for y'all the way it did. I'm sure your marriage is SO strong now, after going through all that.

And I didn't mean to offend by using the word "accident" - for the record, I don't think any baby is an accident. Some babies may have a little more planning in the conception department, but that doesn't make them any better or worse (or any more or less loved). Sometimes God just knows more about the right timing than we do. :-)

I only said "accident" because that's the comment I've gotten from several people (one lady actually called him an "oops baby"). Some people can be so insensitive. Even if we hadn't planned this baby, we'd still be thrilled about the chance to raise him and love him.

And I only mentioned the marriage/college degree/own a house thing to prove that I really don't understand what people could possibly think was wrong with our timing. I mean, we've met all the criteria a lot of people assume is "necessary" before you're "ready" to have a child (which is kind of BS in my opinion, but that's the way some people think). So it was more of a "what could they possibly be griping about" kind of thing than me thinking all that stuff will somehow make me or DH better parents. I may be prepared in some ways, but I'm sure there's a whole lot about raising kids that you just can't ever be ready for.

So anyway, no offense meant. I'm glad you're so happy with your DD and your family. I think babies are a gift, no matter how or when they get here.

[megs4413]

none taken! it's just my perspective on the same problem...people judging our lives because we're so young! and just to warn you, you'll get it the second time around as well...i have actually gotten the question, "is this a good thing?" OF COURSE IT IS! it's a BABY!

i wonder what age people think is "ideal" for starting a family....since clearly it's not early 20s...and from other posts i see that it's not after 30....so you have like a five year window maybe in which people prefer you bear children??? how realistic is that!?!?!? and how many of them were that age when they had their kids??

[katiesmommy]

OMG, I so hear you there. I got pregnant 2 months before I turned 21. Had gotten married 6 months before that. And you know what, I wouldn't have it any other way. I've always known that I wanted to stay at home and have a family, I'm not joking, since I was like 12. I also believe that I was born a few decades too late, and should have lived in the 50's. It always irratates me that I get dirty looks, usually from older ladies, from people who think I'm too young to have a child. I love my daughter, I planned my daughter (mostly). I mean, DH was in boot camp until june, and I got pregnant in july. It's not that she was an accident, but we weren't using protection and had previously decided that whatever happened, happened. Sorry that you have to go through the same thing.

[kijip]

I turned 23 right after Toby was born, so I feel your pain. People either thought was a single mom (not- had been married for well over a year when he was born) or a teenage nanny (see other post, LOL.) When I told my grandmother that people called me a "young mother" and tsk-ed about it, she said something I have treasured:

Something like: Katie sweetie, when I was your age, I had 2 kids and another on the way and no one called me a young mother, I was Mrs. LastName.

The fact of the matter is that what normal does not exist and keeps changing anyways. It also varies from place to place. I am a total anomaly in Seattle. Move to one a few less expensive burbs and I am typical. In some cultures, women our age without children are pitied or worse.

There are plenty of reasons to have children or not have children at just about any point in your childbearing years. My older mama friends have pluses and minuses to their timing, just like I have pluses and minuses to my timing. The judgement that goes one (especially towards the very young- 20ish and the other end of the spectrum -over 40ish) is pretty silly IMHO.

[C99]

>My mom had me when she was 19, and I thought it was awesome
>having a young mom growing up. And now she's a fantastic
>grandmother - she has energy to get down on the floor and play
>with the kids, which is something my mother-in-law, who is
>nearing 60, would never do.

I truly think this is a function of your MIL's personality, rather than her age. My mom and MIL are both nearing 60 and they both get down on the floor and play with my kids. It's not age; it's a mindset.

ETA: If you are going to rail against ageism, you should try to refrain from engaging in it yourself.

[rorycam]

I agree. My in-laws are 81 and 83, and they are down on the floor playing with DS, in the backyard tossing a ball around with him, and basically doing anything he wants to do, as are my parents, who are in their late 60s. Fantastic, involved grandparents come in every age group, just like fantastic, involved parents. :)

[kijip]

>I agree. My in-laws are 81 and 83, and they are down on the
>floor playing with DS, in the backyard tossing a ball around
>with him, and basically doing anything he wants to do, as are
>my parents, who are in their late 60s. Fantastic, involved
>grandparents come in every age group, just like fantastic,
>involved parents. :)

I agree. My father for example is 63 and suffering from MS but he is still active in caring for and playing with Toby. His mother is past 80 and very active with Toby on visits. My ILs are younger and healthier (physically anyways) than my parents and they are hands off and not active. My FIL passed away at only 61 never having even hugged Toby.

[ribbit1019]

Heck I hear this all the time and I'm not even thirty yet! We aren't sure if we are having anymore and everyone I talk to tells me that I am nuts for even considering it.
To the OP, they should butt out of your business, but they won't. :( The hormones make it worse. You will be the most fantastic mommy in the world to Avery I know it. :)


Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/Yw0w.jpg http://b3.lilypie.com/H-lkm5.png
http://lilypie.com/pic/060928/iBmU.jpg http://bf.lilypie.com/tkq-m5.png
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[pb&j]

Hey, happy belated birthday to Aaron!! :)

I also look young for my age - I still get carded buying beer at the grocery store with DS in tow. I'm enjoying it while it lasts. ;)


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/35775.gif
http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[julieakc]

I think it's great.

Your story is very opposite of mine, but I am in the camp that people are different and have different wants and needs; what may work for someone, wouldn't for someone else and the key is to find what is best for you.....sounds like you have!

[tarynsmum]

I usually don't reply to posts about age, because, well, I feel uncomfortable talking about my age (even my "close" friends don't *actually* know how old I am). When people ask me outright, I usually lie (with a different age each time, usually). I don't know why. It started when I was in high school. MOstly because I don't usually get along with those in my age group (which I never had, starting in elementary school).The majority of my friends are at least 5-10 years older than I am).

I look younger than I am. Yes, it doesn't help that I wear jeans and tennis shoes all the time, and until I got my hair cut last month ALWAYS wore it in a ponytail. I've gotten quite a few "aren't you too young to have a baby?"s and even more "you're MARRIED?!?!"s.

DH and I wanted DD very much. We tried for months before using Clomid to conceive DD (mainly because of my irregular periods). For whatever reason, people don't seem to understand that (whatever, their loss). I truly don't care anymore.

It bothers me more that people (read: strangers) assume I am uncapable of raising my daughter properly, because of my supposed age (which they usually assume is 16- insert eye roll. No, I am not a teenager, I promise).

I'm sorry I stole your bitch. Consider it just a comiseration.

[tarynsmum]

I got you beat: I get carded whenever I try to my chew for DH (which I don't do often, because I think it is a disgusting habit, but I realize that there is too much stress in his life right now for him to quit).

OK, you have to be 18 to buy tobacco, right? I don't look 18?!?! You've got to be kidding me.

[lizajane]

i am so freakin' tired right now, i WISH i were 21... lol!!!

[maestramommy]

It's odd isn't it? Not too long ago people would've thought there was something wrong with me because at 34 I was still single and childless. And when I finally did get married we didn't want to have kids right away. Moms on both sides kept going with the "better hurry up, not getting any younger, etc." It just means that people think anything that isn't the way "most people do it" must be odd, or accidental, and boy you must be bummed. I say go ahead, celebrate your pregnancy, and after a while people will either get it or too damn bad for them. Not your problem.

ETA: just had to say Megs your story is a wow! And now I should just say our second baby IS planned, just earlier than we expected. Cause I'm thankful I don't have to obsess over TTC this one like I did with Dora!

[Raidra]

Wow, I really didn't mean to offend anyone. I also didn't think I was railing against anything, just sympathizing with the original poster. And I also don't think I said anything about all people 60 and above refusing to play with their grandkids. I simply commented on how my 45 yr old mother can crawl around with the kids, while my 60 year old mother-in-law can't (because of her arthritis). And yes, I know that 45 yr olds can have arthritis, and that not all 60 yr olds do.

Obviously a grandparent's willingness to play with their grandkids has nothing to do with age. I'm sorry you guys thought that I was generalizing by talking about two specific members of my family.

[geishagirl81]

I had a reverse experience, but I equally sympathize. I married one week before my 20th b-day. He was only 22. I loved my dh and still do and that was enough for us. EVERYBODY except our parents assumed we got married because I was pregnant. Why else would we "throw our youth away" ? And when we didn't have a baby 8 months later, ppl began to ask us why. No one could seem to accept the fact that we were both college students, in love, and were trying to create a life together. Fast forward five years later and we are currently expecting our first child. When we announced, ppl were like "finally" and treated us like it was about time because "we aren't getting any younger". I'm only 25! The moral of my story: the majority of ppl will never be happy with the personal decisions you make, so just be happy in your life, smile at them (even if you have to fake it), and hold dear anyone who is truly supportive of you, no matter what.

[cmdunn1972]

My POV is that there are no mistakes. There's just life! While you might think you're able to plan life exactly how you want it, it doesn't always work that way. I mean, if you "planned" it that way, and it works out for you, well great. If for some reason it didn't work out like you wanted, then you're probably a better person for having had to meet that challenge.

My point is, there is no right or wrong. Life is a challenge no matter what. The point is, how you deal with your situation (while trying to refrain from judging other's situations) makes you a stronger person in the end.

[TracyBee]

You get unsoolicited advice no matter what you do. I'm 29 and have a 3 year old DD. I get people all the time asking me when I'm going to have another. I seriously get this question at least twice a week. It's like now that my DD is 3 I'd better hurry or my kids are going to be too far apart in age. I've not even made the decision as to whether we're having another child and if we do decide to have another, I don't care how far apart in age they are.