working mama blues

[MonicaH]

Hi, what is it that they say? Long time reader, first time b!tcher?

I moved to the city where my parents live 2 months ago for a new job. It's not the city I grew up in, my parents moved here a few years ago. I started work on November 1 and my DH watched DD until he started working last week. Now my mom is watching her while we are trying to find a nanny. (We had a nanny last year and it really worked out well for us. Plus my mom doesn't want to watch DD permanently which is fine with me.)

I'll admit that I feel kind of jealous that my mom is spending so much more time with my DD than I am now. She has all these plans to take her to story time, art lessons, etc and I am not going to be able to do most of these things with my schedule the way it is. Well yesterday my mom gets all upset that we are getting a full time nanny and starts asking us to employ her (the nanny) for 4.5 days per week so that she (my mom) can have a half day scheduled with DD per week. I said that we are going to make the position a full time nanny position, that she is welcome to arrange ahead of time when she will spend time with DD but this is how we are doing it. She got kind of teary and said, "I'm not going to get to see L except on weekends or if you need an emergency sitter anymore, I'm going to miss her," and the obvious subtext was that she thought I was withholding access to my DD from her.

I'm just angry that my mom is trying to guilt me into 1) arranging my family's business affairs around her preferences and 2) letting her do all the fun stuff with my daughter. I have this somewhat irrational mindset that if the nanny does these activities with her, it doesn't count somehow because it's the nanny's job, but if my mom does them, it is taking the experience away from me. I guess this bothers me a lot because I am starting to tear up as I write this.

Well, I think we are going to just hire the nanny for full time and tell my mom it was what the nanny wanted, but I still don't have any resolution to my feeling like my mom is stealing all the fun times from me.

Thanks for reading.

Monica

[elephantmeg]

hugs! We live next to MIL/FIL and have a full time sitter and I think MIL wanted to do some of the sitting-and was a little perturbed until she realized that she still sees him a bunch and now that he's older I feel better about leaving him with her while I go shopping etc, plus I work 3-11 so DH is always glad for backup and we eat dinner together sometimes. I think you're doing the right thing and once she sees she'll still have some time with her she'll be OK. And I totally get the

"I have this somewhat irrational mindset that if the nanny does these activities with her, it doesn't count somehow because it's the nanny's job, but if my mom does them, it is taking the experience away from me. I guess this bothers me a lot because I am starting to tear up as I write this."

Hang in there!

[lilycat88]

It does suck that you're getting the guilt from your mom but do try to see the silver lining...your mom is around and wants to be involved in your DDs life. Our closest family is 2 hours away. It may be challenging for a bit to get her to realize she can see your DD quite a bit. I'd be willing to be that by the time you get a full time nanny, your mom might be ready to not do all of the things that sound so great now.

Perhaps you arrange with your mom and the nanny that your mom takes DD once a week to a story time or class for an hour or so. The nanny can stay at home and get lunch ready or do a load of DDs laundry or something while grandma and DD are gone. That way, your mom has her guaranteed "special" time but it isn't necessarily a long term committment (only the duration of each class).

It is very hard for two working parents to find time to do all of the fun and cool things like classes and story time. Starting at 14 months DH and I started taking DD to Kindermusik once a week. That is our special thing we do with DD. Perhaps, as your schedule calms down a bit, you can find one "something special" you all can do together or that you can do with DD. It's not the quantity of things you do, it's the quality of time spent together. I don't like that I'm away from DD all day and that we don't have a chance to do the "mommy and me" stuff but I know that DD is extremely happy and I'm a better mom to my child because I'm a working outside the home mom. When we are together, I make every effort to be totally in the moment with her. This morning on the way to "Weeschool", DD, out of the blue from the backseat said, "mom, you're my best friend". Ok...she's 2 1/2 so her concept of best friend may be warped :-) but I'm pretty confident that our lack of classes and outings as mom and daughter haven't hurt her and she's none the worse for wear.

[kcandz]

As far as the first issue, I wanted to give you support. Your mom has only been watching your DD one week. Sure, its all fun now. What if you mom changes her mind in another month and you had hired a nanny that couldn't accomodate additional hours back to a full time schedule? You would be in a big mess. As you already know, you need to make choices that keep stability with your immediate family: DD, DH, and you.

As far as the second issue, I think any of us who are FT working mamas wish we had more time with our DCs. Anyway, won't it go away once your full time nanny is in place? Then your mom won't be doing those experiences regularly. But if it a symptom of a deeper issue with your relationship with your mom, that is up to you to examine or not.

good luck mama

[Bean606]

Hugs - I can relate. Being a working mom is difficult. I am part-time right now (3 days a week) but will be back full time by the time DS is 9 months. I hate getting up in the morning and leaving him for a full day, I hate that he is going to be in day care starting in January (DH is home with him until X-mas), and I hate that I feel that I am going to miss out on major milestones because I am working, and that DS is going to have fun in day care and not with me. But, what choice do I have other than to sell our house and eat beans and rice every day so I can be a SAHM. It all is so depressing. Having said all that, I'll tell you what my husband says - you will still be with your child most of the time - evenings, weekends, and vacations. No one can replace you, because you are the most important person in her life. And, she will only be whatever age she is for a minute, so enjoy every moment you do have, and stop worrying about things you can't change. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but it gives you some perspective.

On the issue with your mom, I can see how you feel, but on the other hand, aren't you happy that you have a grandmother who is so involved? My parents live out of state and only see our DS once in a while, and my MIL only comes to babysit if its convenient for her. Since it is hard to find a nanny for less than full time, you are doing the right thing, and your mom can visit whenever she likes, can't she?

[Jenn98]

I say you hire the nanny full time, but then tell your mom she is still more than welcome to do fun things with DD, too. And while your mom is out with DD the nanny can be cleaning up DD's things, or laundry, or getting dinner ready. That way your mom still gets her time and your nanny can get some things done for you around the house so you can spend more time with DD when you get home.

My MIL watches DD for me while I work, so I know that there can be special challenges when it comes to family watching our kids. BUT, I know how lucky I am and I know how much of a gift I am giving DD by letting her have that close relationship with Grandma and Papa. You really cannot beat that one on one with a grandparent. No one will take better care of my child than her grandparents.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom has worked in day care for decades and always tells parents that even though they spend so much time with her they know in their hearts who Mommy and Daddy are. Sure, they love my mom, too, and they occasionally cry when they have to leave but that's more because of the change and leaving toys and friends behind - not because they don't want to go with mom or dad.

Don't let the guilt, or frustration get to you. Let your mom have her time with your daughter and cherish all the time you have with her, too. It does bug me sometimes when my MIL tells me all the new things DD did that day, so I know it's easier said than done. But I just make sure we have our own special time to do things that I want to do with her too. And somehow it has all worked out. Good Luck!

[babysophia]

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[Melanie]

I think it's wonderful that your mom wants to do these things with your Dd. Why not just give the Nanny a "bonus" half-day off? She's still hired/paid full time but Grandma still gets her baby time and what a way to make a Nanny happy, no?

Wouldn't it be better for YOU if your mom gets her special granddaughter time during the week when you cannot be with her as opposed to taking away from the time you do have with her on the weekends?



Edited b/c I re-read the OP. I should never skim!

[mommy111]

Monica,
You are being totally irrational about your mom stealing baby time from you and I have so been there that I completely sympathize. Hugs to you. I was insanely jealous when I started going to work and I think it stemmed from the thought that DD would love grandma more than me (my mom babysat her for a while), sitter didn't count because she was paid to do this and DD would never love her as much as me. Well, here's what I learnt: you are DD's mom and DD will never love anyone as much as or like you, no matter how much time your mom spends with her. So rest assured on that one.
Apart from that, do what you feel most comfrotable with, this is a really hard time on you so go easy on yourself. Personally, I would let your mom babysit DD for a half-day a week, it will make for a great bond as your DD grows up and who knows how long grandparents are around for? Having said that, it is YOUR child and YOUR decision, either way, just know with security that you are completely unique and irreplaceable in your DD's life and noone, not even your mom, can take your place.