I am not sad

[punkrockmama]

and I don't even feel that guilty about it. My FIL died and while I can concede that he probably was a fairly stand up guy and that it's not that cool to speak ill of the dead, I really don't care that much that he passed.

I mean, I am very sad for Dh that he lost a parent. I know that it scares the crap out of you and makes you feel small and lost. But that's pretty much it. That man never said more than two words to me. His wife decided from the jump that she didn't like me, that I wasn't good enough for her son and the Mr. just went along for the ride.

I'm not even that sad about the kids losing a grandparent as he didn't have much to do with them. If they were old enough to seriously go golfing, well then I'm sure he would have loved it, but they weren't. He was one of those people that didn't really like kids much until they grew up. He was nice and polite to them of course, but not a real grampy gramps if you know what I mean.

And that makes me want to cry because I KNOW that if my dad were alive he would be the full on pappy that my kids deserve. It's not fair that he never saw me get married or my babies. I know he worried about me so much and I wish so badly that he could see that I pulled myself up and turned out okay.

I am scared about my husband. I suspect that he may be thinking that he didn't spend enough time w/ his dad and might be blaming it on me. I am *trying* to be understading and give him some slack but I don't have much left. I also don't think that when somebody goes thru something, even if it is really horrible, that it gives them the right to treat the people trying to take care of them like total crap. Does that make me harsh? ugh


*sigh* Merry Christmas y'all.

[punkrockmama]

and I don't even feel that guilty about it. My FIL died and while I can concede that he probably was a fairly stand up guy and that it's not that cool to speak ill of the dead, I really don't care that much that he passed.

I mean, I am very sad for Dh that he lost a parent. I know that it scares the crap out of you and makes you feel small and lost. But that's pretty much it. That man never said more than two words to me. His wife decided from the jump that she didn't like me, that I wasn't good enough for her son and the Mr. just went along for the ride.

I'm not even that sad about the kids losing a grandparent as he didn't have much to do with them. If they were old enough to seriously go golfing, well then I'm sure he would have loved it, but they weren't. He was one of those people that didn't really like kids much until they grew up. He was nice and polite to them of course, but not a real grampy gramps if you know what I mean.

And that makes me want to cry because I KNOW that if my dad were alive he would be the full on pappy that my kids deserve. It's not fair that he never saw me get married or my babies. I know he worried about me so much and I wish so badly that he could see that I pulled myself up and turned out okay.

I am scared about my husband. I suspect that he may be thinking that he didn't spend enough time w/ his dad and might be blaming it on me. I am *trying* to be understading and give him some slack but I don't have much left. I also don't think that when somebody goes thru something, even if it is really horrible, that it gives them the right to treat the people trying to take care of them like total crap. Does that make me harsh? ugh


*sigh* Merry Christmas y'all.

[amp]

I know exactly how you feel. I haven't experienced it yet, but your statement about being sad for DH, but not much aside from that I can completely relate to. And ditto the "his wife decided she didn't like me from jump and he went along for the ride" statement. That's my life and I don't think I will be terribly sad, except for Dh when that day comes.

[amp]

I know exactly how you feel. I haven't experienced it yet, but your statement about being sad for DH, but not much aside from that I can completely relate to. And ditto the "his wife decided she didn't like me from jump and he went along for the ride" statement. That's my life and I don't think I will be terribly sad, except for Dh when that day comes.

[maestramommy]

Without knowing anything about your FIL I think it's normal to not feel sad when someone passes, either because you weren't close or because they were hard to live with, or both. As for your DH, maybe give him a little space, then talk with him a little, see if he'll open up about how he feels and what he's thinking.

[maestramommy]

Without knowing anything about your FIL I think it's normal to not feel sad when someone passes, either because you weren't close or because they were hard to live with, or both. As for your DH, maybe give him a little space, then talk with him a little, see if he'll open up about how he feels and what he's thinking.

[mommyoftwo]

Sheila, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It's totally okay to not feel sad about your FIL's passing. Do your best to be there for your DH and if he is really struggling, maybe you can suggest talking to a therapist. Losing a parent is a hard thing to go through. Losing any family member that you love is hard and it sometimes makes you think and say things that you don't really believe because you are grieving and can't think very rationally. You need to find support for yourself during this time as well because even though it wasn't your father that died and you aren't particularly sad about it, it has changed your world and you now have to support your husband which can be incredibly draining and difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself or say this shouldn't be bothering me because I don't miss him. Does that make sense? Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[mommyoftwo]

Sheila, I'm really sorry for what you are going through. It's totally okay to not feel sad about your FIL's passing. Do your best to be there for your DH and if he is really struggling, maybe you can suggest talking to a therapist. Losing a parent is a hard thing to go through. Losing any family member that you love is hard and it sometimes makes you think and say things that you don't really believe because you are grieving and can't think very rationally. You need to find support for yourself during this time as well because even though it wasn't your father that died and you aren't particularly sad about it, it has changed your world and you now have to support your husband which can be incredibly draining and difficult. Don't be too hard on yourself or say this shouldn't be bothering me because I don't miss him. Does that make sense? Feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to.

[ribbit1019]

I am so sorry your DH is having such a rough time and taking it out on you. He probbaly is in the angry stage and it will pass from him (and you!) soon. Hugs mama, and don't feel guilty about not mourning for him, I am sure that your DH has to understand even if he isn't expressing it right now...


Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
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[ribbit1019]

I am so sorry your DH is having such a rough time and taking it out on you. He probbaly is in the angry stage and it will pass from him (and you!) soon. Hugs mama, and don't feel guilty about not mourning for him, I am sure that your DH has to understand even if he isn't expressing it right now...


Christy
Wife to Richard
My Waterbabies
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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/steitzsmith/Other/jump.gif

[Lovingliv]

Sheila, you have a newborn and another. You can only be so supportive during what is a rough time for all of you. Cut yourself some slack and maybe he will cut you some too. Big hugs to you. I don't blame you in the least. Your feelings are just that....YOUR FEELINGS.

[dules]

Wow, that's hard. Keep in mind, you feel what you feel and no one can or should judge you on that. However your DH may need you, and may need to lean on you in that "I feel small and fragile" way. I hope he does not blame you for his not spending more time with his dad. That would s*ck, but grief does strange things to people, just remember he'll get through it.

Was it sudden? Didn't they just visit a few weeks ago?

Mary

[kedss]

Big hugs, Sheila, it's a tough place to be in. I would let DH know you are there for him if he wants to talk, and leave it at that. You can't help how you feel, and you have every right to feel the way you do.

More hugs

[ChunkyNicksChunkyMom]

I wish I could give you the biggest hug! My dad died about two weeks before I found out I was pg with Nick who would have been his first grandchild. There is not a day that goes by that I wouldn't give everything to have one hour with both him and Nick ( and Kate now). Okay, this may sound corny but I KNOW my dad is watching over us, sometimes I can literally feel it. I know how proud he is to be Nick's grandpa and I talk to Nick about him sometimes. Sheila, your dad does know you turned out better than okay!
Susan

#1 Nick 11-18-04
#2 Kate 04-26-06

[C99]

My DH's grandfather died 2 years ago right after Christmas. I went to the funeral and I was the only person there not crying, because I was the only child, spouse of a child, grandchild or spouse of a grandchild who never really knew the man. He and his wife didn't come to our wedding, and never really participated in our lives. He had met Nate once. I was actually kind of sad because I had never really known him; it seemed like he was a great guy who, for whatever reason, chose not to involve himself with us.

So I understand how you feel. It's OK not to be that upset about it.

[denna]

First off ((HUGS)) Sheila, it sounds like you are having a rough time with DH and now reliving the loss of your father. I felt the same way you are feeling (with a slight twist) when my father died. I was not sad, except for my mom and 7 month preggo sister. My father was not a nice man to say the least and I was 15 when it happened. He was never close to any of us growing up, I mean he lived w/ us but it was like he wasnt even there emotionally or anything.

I truly hope your DH isnt blaming you for the time he missed w/ his father. I think it is a part of the natural grieving process to go through all the things that could have been done differently and everything you should have done. And no no-one has the right to treat you like crap just because they are hurting, but I guess that's where the saying comes in 'misery loves company'. Just try to ignore the bad, and brush it off as his way of dealing with the loss I am sure he really needs you now and doesnt know how to tell you.

(Hugs) again and I wish you well through this hard time. Remember we are always here to listen.

Denna

[robinsonbn]

I am sorry for your DH. Hugs. I don't think you are weird. While I know what you mean about your sadness for DH, losing a parent is horrible. I understand how you feel. DH's mother has Fabry's disease and has been in a nursing home for ten years. She cannot speak or really communicate so I have never really gotten a chance to get that close to her. However, they say eyes speak all, I swear that she has a look of disgust at times when she stares at me. I just feel like when her time comes I won't be sad about that just for DH and FIL. I know DH will be able to tell and I just pray he isn't offended. Anyway, take care. I wish you all the best.

[KBecks]

It is OK that if you were not close to your FIL that you don't grieve for him. Just do what you can to be sympathetic for your DH, because he lost his dad, and you know how hard that is. Just don't be critical of your FIL to your DH, that's' not what he needs to hear and it's no longer relevant to complain about your FIL since he's gone, KWIM?

Don't be paranoid about your DH. Do you know he is blaming his relationship with his dad on you? If you just suspect it, just let it go. If your DH brings it up or hints at it, then you can talk about it with him.

If DH is treating you like crap, that's not OK. Grieving can be very difficult and maybe your DH needs some space as he works through his feelings. And working through those feelings can take time. I personally experienced grief that came and went in waves for a few years.

Anyway, hang in there, my sympathies to your DH.

ETA: It is still OK to grieve the loss of your Dad too. You have the common experience of big loss with your DH now. Just remember that DH's is fresh and intense at the moment, and he deserves space and support to work through his emotions.

EATA: If your DH is being snippy, it may not mean that he is mad at you, but he is going through other angry feelings. This happens with my DH all the time when he is feeling tense about work but is a PITA at home, but it's not about me.

[punkrockmama]

Thanks for good words guys. I love that I have a place to go and get things off my chest. It's funny how much stress you can get rid of when you just type something and put it out there.

Mary--No, they weren't visiting the area, just our house,lol. We all live around each other. He was hit by a drunk driver.

Dealing with Dh.--Somethings you just need to be really hands off with him. So I've just been taking it easy, letting him talk when he wants to but not bugging him. I've also given him a pass on the attitude. I'm sure I'll pay him back someday soon,lol.

And thanks so much Susan. I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. You know how it can be. Hugs back 'atcha.

Honestly, I think him blaming me is more on my end than his. I have noticed that one of things that's happening with my PPD is a little paranoia. I mean, I don't think the CIA is sending me messages in Layla's diapers or anything but I have noticed that I'm jumping to a lot of conculsions about things. My therapist knows about it and we are working on it.

Thanks again everybody.