I need some advice - long post

[lovetoread]

I am a SAHM mom of a 15 month old and am 3 months pregnant. This past week DS has been sick with a pretty nasty cold so we've been staying home most of the time. For the past few weeks he's been going through a very clingy stage and has been getting quite upset if I leave his space to move over even a foot. The "house arrest" has been getting to me this week and last night when my husband stopped home for a short break before heading out for a business dinner I just broke down. There weren't many words of comfort from him, but he won points for just listening. My DH isn't the most sensitive in situations like this. Before we went to sleep I also told him that I am burnt out and need some time alone. Then he got upset because I wouldn't have sex.

This morning started like it has the past few weeks with DS waking up in a good mood, but as soon as I started with the diaper change he was complaining and trying to get off the changing table. I have absolutely no patience for this game anymore and yelled at him. This made him stop squirming, but not crying, but at least I could get a diaper on him. We went into the kitchen, got milk and he started pointing and complaining again. DS knows the sign for "eat" but hasn't been using it in favor of annoying me by pointing. DH came out of bed and took DS who then signed to DH that he wanted to eat.

Once DS was settled in his highchair with food, I went into my bedroom to talk to DH. I told him that I am tired and frustrated with this behavior. I said that the impulse at this point is to give DS a smack, but that's not going to solve anything. No response from DH.

After a few minutes in the kitchen with my son, I went back into the bedroom at which point DH says, "Is he still alive? Did you hurt him?"

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you said that you wanted to hit him."

"I said that was my impulse, but I am not going to do that!"

"But you're angry at me know, how do I know you're not going to hit me?"

"Well, you deserve it for being an a--, but I know it's not going to help the situation. I am smarter than this."

"Andrea Yates was smart too."

Okay, I lost it and walked out. In btwn some of these comments I asked him how he was being helpful. He replied that he can't help if I am angry at him and being nasty.

I put on my jacket and walked out to the front step to get some air and to get away from DH. I was outside for maybe 5 minutes. When I walked back in he said, "I want you to know because of your shenanigans I missed a conference call."

I took DS out of his highchair and started to walk away. DH asked if he could give DS a kiss goodbye which I let him but when he tried to kiss me I tried to walk away. He grabbed my shirt collar and pulled me to him.

DS and I went into the nursery and I closed the door behind me. We were sitting on the glider hugging when DH came into the room. He said that he'd like me to call his cell phone in an hour to check in. I told him that I have nothing to say to him and that I'd like him to leave the house.

After he left I went into the living room with DS where we were playing. DH came back in and went into our bedroom for something he forgot. When he came back out he said that if I stuck around for 10 minutes we could have talked.

What do I do? I know the stuff with DS is just a phase that will pass. I can't get angry at him for his behavior and I have to learn to deal with it.

What do I do with my DH? He never knows how to help out when I am emotionally upset. He usually makes it worse by either not saying anything or by making very stupid comments. I am so angry and hurt right now. I don't know what to do.

[Radosti]

OMG!!! My DH is by no means a super sensitive guy, but he knows better than to make those comments. I would sit him down tonight, after DS went to bed and have a lay-it-all-out talk. Explain to him that comments like that get him no-where and he's being an obnoxious a**. You are 3 months pregnant, you are allowed to have limited patience and be tired. He needs to understand that and not act like that.

Sounds like your DH is the dominant personality in your marriage. I am definitely the alpha in our house and simply wouldn't put up with that. Still, your DH needs to understand your limits and stop pushing your buttons.

[tarynsmum]

wow. I can't believe he said that. I've gotten "to the brink" with DD a couple times, too, and completely understand. ESPECIALLY since you're pregnant, and have all those hormones chuning around in there. Yeah, pretty sure I would have smacked him for the Andrea Yates comment. (actually, if DH said that to me I probably would have been too speechless).

My DH has a "confrontation" issue, where anytime we're having a conversation, and it takes a turn that *might* make it an argument, he just stops talking (like, he might be in the middle of a sentence, and will literally stop talking, and won't say anything to me, regardless of what I say). He's been like that for most of his life, and it drives me crazy and ALWAYS makes a situation worse. I really feel for you, and I wish I could give you more advice.

[psophia17]

At 3mos pg, I think my DH did almost the same exact thing, and was it ever not helpful!

I think we ended up having a long talk (after the big rip-roaring argument), about how I knew I didn't sound rational, but I couldn't help it, because my hormones were crazy and I was exhausted just by being pregnant, and I needed him to be the person who, even if he didn't understand, could recognize when I was at the end of my rope, and take over while I did whatever it took to calm down. I think it took a few rounds before it stuck, but it did eventually stick.

Being specific helped more than anything else, though. When DS was driving me crazy and I needed a breather, I couldn't just say that to him - he would give me tips on dealing with it which just pissed me off more. Saying "I need 15 minutes completely alone" worked much better. That also helps avoid the stupid comments...shenanigans indeed!

[ShanaMama]

First of all, welcome to the boards.
That is a really tricky situation. Sounds like your DH doesn't realize that it's ok to express frustration & that doesn't mean you will follow thru.
It does sound like he cares about you very deeply, just doesn't know how to express it, & instead aggravates the situation. I have two suggestions:
1. Can you sit down with him calmly & explain exactly how you need his support & what you wan't him to do/ not to do? Make sure to be very calm & non-accusing, so he doesn't get defensive. He needs to understand the difference between you needing support & empathy & actual solutions.
2. Get *out*. Go schedule a manicure, pedicure, prenatal massage, anything. Have him or a babysitter watch your DS for a couple of hours so you can just have some time to yourself. No, you won't drive off a mountain ;) - you just need to refresh, recharge & pamper yourself. Staying in the house with a sick toddler can make anyone crazy, without pregnancy hormones to complicate matters!
Just make sure you clearly articulate your needs to get them met. I always forget that DH is not a woman who can 'read between the lines' of what I'm saying & understand what I want even when I don't say it.
Good luck, hoe today goes better than yesterday. And remember, if you need support, advice or hugs we are here for you.

[chlobo]

So sorry your DH is being such a pisser. I am currently seeing a therapist and one of the conclusions that I have come to is that DH is a *worse* communicator than I am. He'll say incredibly stuipid things or make inappropriate comments. worse yet, he has a tendency to want to bully me into his point of view.

What the therapist suggested and I tend to agree with is that *we* need to see a counselor together. Not to work on this problem or that but to work on how to communicate about any problem. Your lives together are going to be long and in order to make the best of it you need to be able to communicate (and by you, I really mean us all).

Is there any chance he might be open to seeing someone to improve your communication style? It seems like it's a little less harsh than just harping on him.

BTW, I think you are totally right about his being an *ss. It's just not going to be productive to simply call him on that. Most guys won't want to hear it.

[candybomiller]

I think what bothers me most about this is when you walked back into the bedroom and your *D*H asked if ds was still alive and if you hurt him. It seems to me that if he was really worried about your hurting your son, he should have had his ass out there in the kitchen with you!!

Your *H was being a total jerk.

[saschalicks]

When I'm this mad w/DH I wait until the end of the day and the boys are in bed. I tell him I want to talk and I want him to listen no interuptions. Here's the jist: When xyz happened your response was xyz. I want you to know that when I am venting I need you to be my partner and husband and help me through it. By saying xyz you made me feel that I had no where to turn and more importanntly you made me feel bad for being frustrated. In the future it would be appreciated if you would listen to the way I feel and help me through it b/c your comments only add to my frustration. I want us to work together as a unit and I'm not feeling your support here. I once even told DH that we are parents with an "s" at the end which meant there was more then one. Therefore, he needed to support me as a mother, b/c we were in this together.

Most of the time when we've had very frank discussion DH hears me and tells me where he feels let down etc. We work on it after that. It's not perfect, but it helps to talk about feelings. When DH gets defensive I tell him that when I express how I feel I'd appreciate it if he didn't dismiss it. At the end I do acknowledge that he tries hard, but sometimes he forgets I need xyz.

I really hope you're able to talk to DH and get some much needed time away from your DS.

BTW, your comment about smacking is exactly how I felt Monday. Sometimes people don't understand that some frustration doesn't mean you'll actually do the worst. You might also want to consider getting a therapist for yourself. It helped me tremendously.

[jal]

I think I can relate to your husband. He's a loving, caring husband and father that just happens to be a pain in the @$$. Some of us are like that.

Here's my guess at things from your husband's point of view:

I make a lot of stupid comments. If you analyze my comments, you'll see that I had a logical point to make. But in retrospect, I can see where logic doesn't help when we're running on emotions. I'm afraid that I'm going to continue to make stupid comments; but, I'm hopefully better at it this year than last.

And when you get upset, I just don't know what to do. If I try to just keep my mouth shut, you seem to just get upset because I don't say anything. And when I do open my mouth, I winds up sounding like something stupid that only makes the situation worst. So I seem #@%&*! if I do and #@%&*! if I don't.

Logically, I understand that being pregnant and dealing with a 15mo all day makes you exhausted by the end of the day. But emotionally, I still want intimacy with you. And while logically I can tell my self that you're too tired for intimacy, there is still that emotional side that each time you say "NO", I feel some rejection on a personal level. Now initially, the logic can override my emotions, but when it's the same rejection night-after-night, those feelings of rejection just continue to build until it reaches the point where the emotions become stronger than the logic, and I seem powerless to control it.

We also seem to allow minor comments to turn into big fights. One person makes an off-handed comment. The other gets defensive, and it turns into an escalating battle of words until one of us says something to push the other over the edge. We keep saying that we're going to try to quit being so defensive and try to avoid getting into these situations. But it seems once again that these events are driven my emotions and we seem to be powerless to change our emotions.

Since we can't control our emotional reactions, perhaps the best we can do is to realize that we're both under stress and try to teach or selves to ignore some of the stupid things we say to each other. And when we realize that once again, we've said something stupid that has lead to another one of these pointless fights, that we try to apologize and realize it's the stress talking and NOT our true feelings for each other.

We're building a loving, caring family, and we can't let the stupid things we sometimes say to get in the way of that.