bisous
12-20-2006, 05:06 PM
Howdy folks! I never thought I would spend the majority of my time here in the bitching post and yet here I am again! I've had the hardest three weeks that I can remember ever having in my life. Even as I type this I feel really petty writing that. Everybody in my family is "ok", my marriage is doing pretty well and I have a wonderful little boy--but everything else is so stinking hard.
Here's a quick list.
1. I'm still in the middle of finals. They go strong until Dec. 22. December 23 begins our Christmas festivities. Yea. Not even one day to prepare for Christmas.
2. My husband and I are both students and we're in tremendous debt. Even so, we're going to have a hard time making January rent due to a really stupid planning error on my part having to do with student loans.
3. My DS is diabetic and the care is finally really getting to me. When he was diagnosed I was the only one who really held it together while everyone around me wept for days. The day in-day out care for my little guy is really wearing. I think that some support from a mom who has been there would be really nice but I'm totally unconnected. Everytime I go searching for a website or connection I end up reading something that makes me more upset.
4. I'm pg and in the process of jumping through the hoops with Medi-Cal. Its kind of depressing. I feel sick every morning but I really can't tell if its morning sickness or just depression. My stomach aches but I never feel like throwing up. Nothing that I eat or don't eat seems to help. I just feel crappy every morning. And every morning greets me with a fairly complicated breakfast/treatment routine for my DS (see point 3)
5. I moved in Sept. and don't have any IRL friends here. I don't really have time to make any effort to make friends and obviously they don't just appear on my doorstep. Not only that but I don't really like where we live. I don't feel safe and I hate the grocery stores, parks and libraries.
6. I feel like I live in a jail. My tiny apartment is dark as it is shaded by some trees. It isn't decorated perfectly because I have no money and because I'm in the middle of finals, I'm the primary caretaker for my DS and because I've been feeling terrible, it is never quite as clean and picked up as I would like. Leaving the house with my 3 yo has become a chore as he fights me all the way to the underground parking structure. Then, once we get in the car we face the bleak possibilities of parks, stores and libraries that I don't really like anyway and nobody to meet to make it more fun.
Bottom line--I'm just really, really sad and have been for about 3 weeks. This is really out of character for me. I'm normally super positive and happy. I didn't feel this way with my last pregnancy or afterwards. The only time I can remember feeling similarly depressed was when I was on a formulation of birth control that didn't agree with me. I just can't figure out if I'm having such a tough time because I'm really unhappy or if I'm just hormonally wacky. Since I'm in my second month, I'm trying to figure out if I hold tight until the second trimester if it will get better or even if once the stressful holidays/finals season is over my mood will improve. Sorry for the book length complaint here and thanks to anyone who has read my whole post. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Jen
Here's a quick list.
1. I'm still in the middle of finals. They go strong until Dec. 22. December 23 begins our Christmas festivities. Yea. Not even one day to prepare for Christmas.
2. My husband and I are both students and we're in tremendous debt. Even so, we're going to have a hard time making January rent due to a really stupid planning error on my part having to do with student loans.
3. My DS is diabetic and the care is finally really getting to me. When he was diagnosed I was the only one who really held it together while everyone around me wept for days. The day in-day out care for my little guy is really wearing. I think that some support from a mom who has been there would be really nice but I'm totally unconnected. Everytime I go searching for a website or connection I end up reading something that makes me more upset.
4. I'm pg and in the process of jumping through the hoops with Medi-Cal. Its kind of depressing. I feel sick every morning but I really can't tell if its morning sickness or just depression. My stomach aches but I never feel like throwing up. Nothing that I eat or don't eat seems to help. I just feel crappy every morning. And every morning greets me with a fairly complicated breakfast/treatment routine for my DS (see point 3)
5. I moved in Sept. and don't have any IRL friends here. I don't really have time to make any effort to make friends and obviously they don't just appear on my doorstep. Not only that but I don't really like where we live. I don't feel safe and I hate the grocery stores, parks and libraries.
6. I feel like I live in a jail. My tiny apartment is dark as it is shaded by some trees. It isn't decorated perfectly because I have no money and because I'm in the middle of finals, I'm the primary caretaker for my DS and because I've been feeling terrible, it is never quite as clean and picked up as I would like. Leaving the house with my 3 yo has become a chore as he fights me all the way to the underground parking structure. Then, once we get in the car we face the bleak possibilities of parks, stores and libraries that I don't really like anyway and nobody to meet to make it more fun.
Bottom line--I'm just really, really sad and have been for about 3 weeks. This is really out of character for me. I'm normally super positive and happy. I didn't feel this way with my last pregnancy or afterwards. The only time I can remember feeling similarly depressed was when I was on a formulation of birth control that didn't agree with me. I just can't figure out if I'm having such a tough time because I'm really unhappy or if I'm just hormonally wacky. Since I'm in my second month, I'm trying to figure out if I hold tight until the second trimester if it will get better or even if once the stressful holidays/finals season is over my mood will improve. Sorry for the book length complaint here and thanks to anyone who has read my whole post. Any advice would be appreciated.
Thank you,
Jen