That does it, I am throwing away anymore cards before I open them.

[C99]

I'm sorry that you are getting so many cards. Since "I'm sorry for your loss" isn't appropriate here, what should others in this situation say to acknowledge the death of a relative? I don't mean that to be trite, snarky or rude - I am truly curious so that I don't inadvertently piss off someone I know in a similar situation.

[s_gosney]

I'm so sorry you guys are having to deal with this. My H's dad is also an abusive alcoholic, so I can somewhat appreciate the conflicting feelings your DH must be experiencing. I go through a similar thing every year trying to pick out father's day cards for FIL.
There are never any good things to say in sympathy cards it seems, but complicated family dynamics make it worse. And certainly, the common refrain of granting everyone sainthood once they pass is not the answer.

Take care.

[kijip]

I think the only thing that can be said is something like "I am sorry. I wish you peace during this difficult time." We have had lots of people say wonderful, suitable things (things wiser than anything I would come up with, that is for sure!) and send nice letters. But noticably those things are coming from friends and my side of the family. His side of the family is using it as a chance to blame J or guilt him for not being close to his dad. It is silly and pretty hurtful but part of a family dynamic that no sane person would defend. I think it is totally ok to be sorry for the loss of a parent (even a bad parent) but not ok to expect the surviving person that was abused to agrandize or romantisize the deceased. Glad people are reaching out, wish it was a more neutral or sensitive remembrance.

[Radosti]

I know what you are going through. When I was young, my dad beat me all the time. The last time was the summer after I graduated high school. I told him right there and then that if he doesn't seriously consider the consequences of his behavior, he will never see his grandchildren. He took that threat seriously because he had said the same thing to his father and followed through. It was a cycle of abuse since his father beat him horribly. Our relationship was strained for years and years, but he's worked on his behavior and is a completely different grandfather than he was a father. My nephew is 8 years old and begs my brother and SIL to send him to visit my parents for weeks/months at a time. My father takes him fishing on the boat, downloads music for him, takes him to Six Flags, Hershey, plays video games with him. He even takes my nephew to work and teaches him some stuff at work. That was so not him when I was growing up. My DS loves him to pieces too and they play and giggle like maniacs when we are visiting.

It makes me very sad that he obviously had the potential to be a great father. So, why couldn't he have broken the cycle of abuse with me and my brother. Why did I have to do it for him? And why did I have to agonize for years about becoming a mother myself, terrified that I'd be an abusive individual. I am not and I didn't have to worry. But the legacy was certainly there and so was the potential.

[pb&j]

Katie, I'm so sorry you and J are going through this right now. Hugs, and I hope the onslaught stops soon.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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http://b1.lilypie.com/aKGqm5/.png[/img] ([img)

[DebbieJ]

Katie,

I don't know what you're going through and won't pretend to know. I wish you the strength to get through this mess and move on to create a better life for you, J, and Toby.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[Moneypenny]

I'm sorry the cards are making this even more difficult for your family. I had sort of the opposite situation: a dear friend of mine was abused by her father and she often spoke that there was no love lost between them. When he died, I was thus fairly reserved in my condolences (how DO you spell that??). Anyway, she got terribly offended because all of a sudden, upon his death, she started to think of him as the greatest man/father/husband in the whole world and how dare I not acknowledge how deep her loss was!

It's hard to know the best way to let someone know you are thinking of them and wishing them well.

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[kijip]

My dad was in the same situation. As the oldest of 9 children, he and his next youngest brother and sister had a terrible abd abusive dad. Then about the time my dad was 13 or 14, my grandfather hit him and my dad (who by this time was bigger than my grandfather) hit him back and screamed that he was not going to be hit anymore. After that, my grandfather spent several years becoming progressively kinder and nicer to the point that his youngest 4 children and all of his 20+ grandkids think of him as the greatest dad/grandfather. My dad however was not reallyat peace with his dad till he was about 55 and his dad was nearing death at age 85. Patterns can change and it hurts to see that someone wastotally different with you than they are to others.

[Radosti]

Yeah, it's a shame... that's all.

[DrSally]

I can imagine how this adds even more feelings to the situation. If it wasn't a secret how he was to your DH, then, I agree, a simple condolence to your family would be all that is required. The fishing card is sooo ironic and prob dredges up feelings of loss/bitterness over the type of relationship that he never had with him. I agree too, that people send out cards without thinking about what is written in them/on them. That, and sometimes people are in denial and prefer to think all parent/child relationships are hunky dory. Or else, they don't know what to say. Either way, I'm sorry this is so upsetting to you and DH. You shouldn't have to "pretend" about your feelings regardless of how others approach it.

[DrSally]

You should feel a lot of satisfaction that YOU were able to break the cycle. Even if it wasn't in time for your childhood, your children are free and it seems as if you caused some self-reflection in you dad and enabled him to be free as well. You must be a very special person to have done this.

[tarabenet]

Katie, I'm so sorry for what y'all are going through. So unfair that even after he is gone this guy continues to cause such trouble for you and especially for J. You already know what a great team you and J are, but I just wanted to tell you how impressive a partner you are, that you are trying so hard to help deflect some of that for his sake. The trash is exactly where that nonsense belongs. I'm just sorry that you have to filter it first.

When it comes time to acknowledge the flowers and cards, really, just invent one socially acceptable "thank you" reply, have it pre-printed on a bunch of cards, and be done with it. If they couldn't be bothered with tailoring their "condolences" (or whatever that was) to the reality of the situation, you needn't waste a lot of energy on personalizing a "thanks" that just isn't there either. Poo on those people! Clearly they are all part of the dysfunctional family system that produced the abuser. Actually, I'm not convinced they deserve any acknowledgement at all. (As a Southerner, though, that would be the height of a passive-aggressive show of venom! LOL!)

[lizajane]

sigh, how awful.

i think it is a good idea for YOU to open the cards so he doesn't have to see them. you could just keep a list of who sent cards and let him read the names NOT the cards.

as PP suggested, you can get pre-printed cards to send back. a neighbor of mine died this past year. i am also friends with her adult daughter who lived with her for some time. after attending the funeral, i recieved a note printed on nice cards that said, "the family of margaret mead silver gratefully acknowledges your kind expression of sympathy." it was classy and kind and easy on her daughter.

[KBecks]

This may be too short if you are close to the mourner, but "thinking of you" is pretty neutral.

[kijip]

Thanks for your wise advice here, Benet. I really appriciate all the the replies in this thread but yours resonates with me in a special way.

Of course they identify with the abuser because most of them ARE abusers. These are the same people that have their panties in a twist because after much trial and error, J and I switched back to only my last name and not a hypenated name like we had before.

[cmdunn1972]

That reminds me of a note that my Mom got from a close childhood friend of hers (also my Dad's cousin) following tha death of the woman's Mom. Apparently, the Dad sexually abused her and her twin sister, and her Mom knew about it but did nothing to stop it. It wasn't until after both parents died that she spoke out about what happened.

Death is always awkward for the survivors. I can only imagine how much worse it is when there are other elements (such as the deceased being a jerk while alive) added to the mix. My guess is the feebleness of the cards is in part because they honestly don't know the proper way to react, or if there even is a proper reaction since "glad the jerk is dead, but sorry you have to deal with the fallout" doesn't exactly work either.

Not that that's an excuse. These are probably people who spent a lot of time burying their heads in the sand and pretending what they saw wasn't abuse. Why should they expect to suddenly understand now that he's gone? I'd be frustrated too, if I were you.

You're a wonderful wife to your DH for helping to relieve him of some of the burden of those feeble sympathy cards. Hopefully, your support of him through all this will help him (and you) gain some closure.

[kijip]

Trouble is I can't tell the late holiday cards (which I want) from the sympathy cards (which are starting to get downright hurtful to my husband) before I open them. x(

FIL died in November. We buried his ashes in December. A steady onslaught of little "so sorry your dad died" type cards have been arriving from relatives. The sentiments on the preprinted hallmark type greetings are ironic and inaccurate but we can deal with that as there is after all no "I am so sorry your abusive dad died" preprinted cards at Hallmark. The fact that the greetings are impersonal on greeting cards is just a fact of life now that people use them so much. Whatever. But I really wish these relatives, who all know full well the measure of abuse my husband suffered at his father's hands and tongue, would kindly refrain from writing little remarks on the card such as "try to remember the special relationship you had with your dad" or "I know you will miss him so much" or "I know toby will miss his Grandpa" on the card. No one is glad the man is dead but the fact of the matter is that he was not the kind and wonderful father who took his son fishing and camping and supported him emotionally. He beat his son up. He harassed his son verbally. He drank and screamed *literally* nightly. It is not any great secret so the fact that the man is dead does not mean his son needs to pretend he was Mr. Ward Cleaver. We have kept the discussing the abuse to a very minimum and found totally neutral pat lines to say to allow others time to grieve (a man they never saw) but it is just way too much to try and get J to play the heartbroken son in a closeknit and happy family for their benefit. The cards are clearly distressing him and while I will open to check for holiday cards, the rest are really going in the trash.

We are sending out letters to the people that sent flowers and cards. I will have to wait until I can muster up something besides "Screw off, you delusional freaks. You are hearby delisted from my address book." I know people are really just saying what they say what most people need/want to hear when their dad dies but really, a picture of a dad fishing with a cute little kid with feeble condolences just are not nice. The intentions are somewhat good but the delivery really screws up the "I'm sorry" message. In this situation, a 2 sentace hand written note containing no delusions of the kindness of the deceased would be better.

[StantonHyde]

Katie:

As a therapist I know put it, family dynamics after the death of a family member is sort of like taking all the whacko dynamics that are usually there and then throwing them in a blender and then throwing the blender into a tornado. Another friend remarked that after the death of someone, we often expect other people to change or "get it" or something.. but they don't. They just become MORE of what they were--eg excusing the abuser etc. I am going through this with my dad after mom died this summer. It really, totally sucks--like you don't have your own grieving to do and these people are contributing, not helping!

I like the preprinted card idea--talk about easy. And right now, you guys need to do EVERYTHING the easy way. Good luck.