MIL Vent

[LaurelC]

Okay, I will be the first to admit that MIL is not my favorite person and that I may be overreacting. We have had lots of conflicts over the years with her, including one that resulting in us not even speaking to her for an entire year. Still, since DD was born, things have been better, and she really does love DD and is a good grandmother to her, so I try to keep the peace as much as possible. It is usually pretty easy to do that, since she is in Maine and we live in Texas and only see her a couple of times each year.

DH was talking to his mother on his cell on Valentine's Day on the way home from work, and I guess he was supposed to call her when he arrived home so she could talk to DD. Traffic was really bad, and he got home pretty late. I was making a special dinner since we planned on staying in, and had a nice bottle of wine for him and everything. So I guess he forgot to call her.

When they were on the phone, DH was telling his mother about some of the names that we are considering for our little boy due in April. Joshua is one of the names that we like and it is on our list. Still, we have others, and we are not sure yet. So the next day, we get this little zinger of an email:

"I was hoping to hear back from you last night, but it was nice to hear from you anyway before you got home. Maddie hardly knows who I am so I can’t imagine that she asks to call Grammy. I hope you all got the Valentine cards.

It was fun to hear about the names you are thinking of. You might want to re-think Joshua. That is a very traditional Hebrew name. Perhaps that doesn’t make a difference to you but it might to him as he gets older. Don’t get me wrong, I have some lovely friends who are Jewish, but wouldn’t give a child a Jewish name, since it isn’t my ancestry. Dad and I stayed with Scotch/English names from our families. Since I am a direct descendent of Roger Williams I didn’t even consider other names. That’s it……….how about Roger……?
Love, Mom"

This was Wednesday, and today is Sunday, and I am still fuming. It is just so wrong on so many levels. The thing that bothers me the most is the anti-Semitic tone of the whole thing.

We haven't responded - we usually don't when she misbehaves. She usually just gets away with it because it is easier than dealing with her. What would you (or your DH) do if you were in our shoes? Or am I overreacting?

[ellies mom]

Wow. I wouldn't even begin to know how to respond to that.

[deborah_r]

Open a baby book, pick the worst name you can find, and from now until the baby is born, tell her that is the name you have decided on. Refuse to discuss it any further. This shall be her punishment.

I love when people throw a name out there and just expect you to say "Oh, you know, that is so much better than the name we thought of - Roger it is!!!"

[elizabethkott]

"Well, if you think about it, Christianity and Islam have a root in the Jewish faith..."

"Wasn't Jesus Jewish?"

"Huh. I heard that Mary's first choice for a boy's name was Joshua. Then that whole angel visitation thing happened and she changed her mind."

"Hitler's favorite name was Roger too!"

"Gee mom, you're right. We've decided to go with Ephriam Goldstein instead."

"Would "Apple" be a more politically correct choice, in your opinion? Because fruit doesn't have a denomination."

"Roger sounds just so... so... Mormon."

:)

[BaileyBea]

UGH! To your MIL!

What you name your baby is yours and your DH's business and not hers.

Talk to you DH and agree to not discuss names with family and if they ask say that you are not annoucing till the baby is born. End of Story.. be firm with them.

I wouldn't say anything to her.. just let it go and name your child what you want to name her. I love Joshua... Jewish or not I love that name.

The whole anti-Semitic thing is soooo wrong but you should just remind her one day that Jesus was Jewish.

My BFF just went through this naming thing. She wanted to name her daughter Phoebe and her MIL called everyone in her family to ask them to call her DIL and tell her not to name the baby Phoebe. It's a good name for a poodle she says. So my BFF got mad and named her Daughter Phoebe anyway. ha Ha she said to her MIL. And I high-fived her.

Big Hug... hang in there.
Nancy

[maestramommy]

Huh? Okay, just for the record, Joshua is a very popular name with Christians, and esp. among my community (Asian American), so don't know where she's going with all that Jewish stuff.

How about having Dh call her up and say, "you know, you're right, maybe Joshua's not so great. We've decided to call him Cain instead." And leave it at that until your baby's born.

[MamaMolly]

OMG!!!! This is exactly what I wanted to tell her to say!!!!!!!

Some people can be so stupid about baby names.

PPPPPPTTTHHHHHHH! Raspberries to your MIL! :P

[shilo]

oh, i so feel your pain. i'm not *usually* so vocal in the BP, but your post just speaks to something so familiar for me. the first paraphrase is pretty much exactly something my MIL would say/_has_ said. she does love the name we picked out (which also happens to be an old-testament name just like your joshua - and she consideres herself to be a devout christian, so i kinda agree with melinda - i think your MIL is pretty off base on the whole 'traditional' thing), but she definitely has suggested some doosey's both before Sam and for _future_ children. one name, for a 'future DD' is sooo bad with our last name it's almost funny. it's hands down as bad as the whole shilo pitt/pile-o sh!tt thing for brangelina's baby. but i don't have the heart to point it out to her. it wouldn't go over too well if i came back with "yeah, if you want her to be the laughing stock of the school", even if it's what i'm thinking.

anyway, just wanted to tell you, you aren't overreacting at all! having someone in your family's life that struggles with/is oblivious to understanding how the things they say impact you is miserable at times - especially when that person does have a reasonable expectation of being a part of your life. just makes the whole thing that much tougher. there are a lot of lovely things about my MIL, but tact isn't one of them.

fwiw, i decided a long time ago, for me, that the best way to deal with her was just to be me/still do whatever i would have done anyway. and the thing is, when i do follow thru and do this, she usually winds up feeling just as included/honored as she would have if i had done what she suggested, just that i'm true to myself in doing so. i'll give you an example: when we got married, she repeatedly asked/'suggested' that we should be married by a denomenational clergy-person. her christian faith is very important to her. problem was - that's not us. we chose a non-denomenational officiant and had the ceremony _we_ wanted, but we asked her to offer grace and a blessing before the meal as a way of honoring our family's (parent and most of the grandparents) traditions. since the wedding, she brings it up all the time - how special it was, etc. i'm glad that she has the memory of her son's wedding day that makes her feel good (without compromising ours). all she really wanted was to be a part of the day.

i would stick to your guns, name your kiddo whatever you/DH want, but if there is some small thing you feel is true to _you_ to 'give' to her to make her feel honored in some way, that may help further the peace. if she's anything like my MIL, what she _says_ is the hurtful/guilttrippy stuff like your OP. what she _means_ is "i feel so left out - i'm so far away - i want to be a part of my son's life - do you even remember that i used to be the center of his world - i'm so out of the loop all the way out here, etc.' or she may just be ungreatful and not get it :). but anyway, maybe a middle name that you can find someway to connect to her/your DH's side of the family and share with her after the birth 'how important it was to both of you that you honor their heritage'. maybe one of the names you already love has celtic or anglosaxon roots and would make a great middle name with joshua? if that's not true to 'you', then maybe you can think of something else - at a shower or a christening or a special momento of the birth, etc.

ok, enough blathering on. just wanted you to know that you are so not alone in the zinger delivering MIL.
lori
Sam 5/19/05 How lucky I am that you chose me.

[wencit]

Oh, believe me, I feel your pain. When DS was born, my MIL threw a huge hissy fit that we gave him a middle name that reflected my ethnic heritage instead of hers. I so understand how you feel.

As the previous posters suggested, if I were in your shoes, I would think of the most obnoxious name and tell her that's what you're going with. And then I wouldn't discuss name choices with ANYBODY.

BTW, I think Joshua is an awesome name no matter what the ancestry!!!

[MissyAg94]

LOL!

[tarynsmum]

You are AWESOME!

[lindauer72101]

I totally feel for you. My MIL now lives in my town, less than 10 minutes with heavy traffic away from me. It has been quite stressful since she moved here nearly two years ago. Now that I am expecting my second child, I fully expect WWIII to happen over her over bearing and bossy ways. She too made comments about names when I was pregnant with my daughter. We never mentioned names to her but she commented on names all the time. I finally told her that I didn't think it was polite to make comments because you never know who's feelings you may be hurting. I also told another one of my husband's relatives that if they liked a particular name so much, they should have tried for another child and named it that name.

My advice to you is to remember that you only have to see her a couple of times a year. Also, sometimes it is best to put folks like you MIL in their place. She will then get that she can't mess with you. My own mom had her differences with her MIL and after a couple of times of my mom telling it like it was going to be, they became friends. In fact my grandmother later said that my mom was more of a daughter than her own to her. Of course, my mom's advice is also for me to tell my own MIL the way it is going to be.

Try to hang in there. Believe me I spend a lot of time being upset over the little comments and digs that she makes towards me. I get blamed for a lot that supposedly is wrong in the world. (I feed my kid pizza too often, I don't come over enough, I won't let her smoke around my daughter) But in the end, I know that I have control over my kids and what they are exposed to. I figure one day we will have it out. Our relationship will either improve or we just won't speak. Frankly I would be fine with either outcome.

Good luck!
Angela

Chelsie Lea 7/9/2004
http://b3.lilypie.com/oE-3m5.png
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif

[elizabethkott]

You won't let your wonderful MIL smoke around your DD?

Gosh, you really ARE a wretched DIL as well as a horrible, controlling person. What on earth is the matter with you?

:)

[niccig]

You're not overreacting. You could just ignore her or you could call her on it. Tell her it's a lovely name and that you disagree with her anti-semitic comments re. naming children.

My MIL will talk about foreigners and the negative influence of migrants in the country...DH pointedly reminds her that I am a foreigner, and when she's said it around me, adding that I shouldn't take offense, how can I not, I've commented on the domestic negative influences that have nothing to do with migrants. But, it has made me realise that she'll never accept me, so I don't bother trying to fit in anymore. My mother had similar issue with her MIL and my siblings and I never liked her, why would you like someone who wasn't nice to your mother. So, I figure if MIL continues she is making her own bed with my DS.

We also live on the other side of the country, so I don't have to deal with her much, and when I do she's fine most of the times, but then you get some comment which really shows you how she feels, and it's always passive-aggressive. My advice, is to call her on it, it probably won't change her beliefs, but at least you'll feel better, and as our kids get older we don't want them thinking that way, so it's best to speak up.

HTH

[almostamom]

Liz, you crack me up! Could you just come hang out with me when we see the in-laws! I could use some of your quick wit! :)

Linda

[LaurelC]

Thanks y'all for your opinions - especially the ones that made me laugh. I haven't been able to get on the site for a couple of days.

I was really surprised to see her email - especially, as someone else posted, the name Joshua is so totally mainstream these days. It has been for a number of years, and in fact the name was actually at the bottom of our list because of its popularity. I know that it has Hebrew origins, like tons of other names do - Michael, Joseph, David, etc. etc. etc.

As far as anti-semitism goes, my DH did tell me a couple of days later that when he was in high school, he was dating a Jewish girl from a very wealthy family and that his parents were horrible to her. His mother would say things like "those Jews - they are so nouveau riche" or whatever. He said that it kind of brought it back for him - how embarrassed and hurt he was by their behavoir.

One thing I found sort of funny is that she refers to her "Scotch/English" heritage. If she were really of Scottish heritage, wouldn't she know that it is Scottish, and not Scotch, and that "Scotch" is something you drink and when used to describe a person is a somewhat perjorative term? Also - she is totally a Yankee bluebood wannabee...it is funny.

The funny thing about Roger Williams - one of his biggest claims to fame was his teachings on religious tolerance. He was even kicked out of the Mass Bay Colony for it, I think....

Thanks again you guys, really - it is amazing how venting to strangers and hearing their opinions can make you feel better.

[robinsonbn]

First let me say WOW. Joshua is not just a hebrew name, isn't it also English or something. Either way I know it was under several catagories in all my name books. But that isn't why I am responding though I would be just as upset as you are. I am unsure what I would do, though given the way I was when I was Preggers...I would have probally named DS Joshua just to spite her. But I also love that name. Either way I know IL's can be complicated, for me it's FIL. I swear DH doesn't listen to a word I say until FIL suggests the same thing, then it's Oh good idea. FIL always criticizes me on my use of Anti-bacterial products for DS's things, Making people wash their hands before touching DS, Making sure peoples clothes are clean before holding DS, and for sterelizing Ds's bottles all the time. It drives me nuts because then DH gets on board telling me he will have no immune system if he can't build one up. Sometimes you just gotta ignore the IL's and do your own thing, let them stress. Hope things work out for ya as far as naming goes. :)

[AngelaS]

Tell dh not to discuss names with her! Keep it a secret until the baby comes. ;) Or use the Jesus was Jewish line and tell her since you're not anti-semantic like she is that you think it's a wonderful name. ;)

My MIL hates George W. Bush. With a passion!She also is convinced I need to pop out babies until we get a boy. One night, after listening to her tirade on Bush, I put my hand on my huge 'pregnant with my third girl' belly and said, "Good thing we're having a girl. We were going to name this baby George W." She was speechless.

It was AWESOME! ;)

[masha12]

I am not sure I interpret her remarks as anti-Semetic.

It sounds like your MIL's naming philosophy is that the name should reflect the child's ethnic heritgage and your child does not have a Jewish heritage. While I don't view Joshua as Jewish, I think someone from her generation might and so the name is inconsistent with her "naming philosophy."

All you did is pick a name that is inconsistent with her "naming philosophy." Let it go. It just isn't worth it. She got to name her children what she wanted and you and your husband get to name your children what you want.

I think the real question here is why on earth are you sharing baby names with people, including your MIL? 99% of the time you will get negative feedback from people and grandparents are never going to pre-approve a name.

[LaurelC]

Guess you and I see things differently. Thanks for your opinion.

[bride805]

I hope things work out for you. I can't really offer you any words of advice though. The only thing I want to hear coming out of my MIL's mouth is "I'm taking a vow of silence."

[michellep]

Ah, George W....now there's someone who's "anti-semantic" ;)

-M

[mommy111]

Too funny!
I would do the Ephriam Goldstein reply, personally!

[randomkid]

Ignore it, don't discuss names with her and name your baby whatever you desire!

My Dad didn't like Grace for DD because "that's an old lady name". I just told him that Grace was going to be her name and that he would get used to it. I told him that once she was born, he would only associate that name with her and not an old lady - lol! He never brought it up again :-)