It's 2:30 AM and DH is still not home...

[kozachka]

DH took off around 9 PM when I told him off upon arrival home for keeping DS at his office party instead of bringing him home. On the phone he told me he wants to have at least one night off. Yeah, right, it was supposed to be my night off :(. DS was at a reception (business development) on Monday and Tuesday this week and was supposed to go on Thursday but chose to stay in the office. I was OK with that since he was home by 8-8:30 PM. Not fair. And I hate it when DH comes home drunk.

And the only thing DS was fed at the party was a piece of chocolate cake. We/I don't give him chocolate, ever. Feeding DS dinner at 9PM after that was tricky to put it mildly.

I can't help but wonder how to handle this. Neither the understanding let daddy sleep in the morning nor nasty b!tch option seems to work. I can't help but be nasty when he shows up intoxicated with DS who supposedly did not see DH or any of his employees drink alcohol at the party. Yeah, right...

Please do not suggest marriage counseling. It's not an option. The sad thing I seem to care less as years pass. Still I can't help but wonder when I'll say enough is enough.

[trumansmom]

(((Hugs))) For you sake and DS's, I hope that time is soon. You're a smart woman and a great mom. You deserve more from life than this.

More (((Hugs)))

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[Wife_and_mommy]

Hugs to you.


http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_gold_12m.gif[/img][/url] x 2

I love them most when they are sleeping.--Me
http://b3.lilypie.com/UnbPm4.png
http://b2.lilypie.com/AzrMm5.png

[cstack]

Oh, Elena - {{hugs}} Are you married to my hubby or his clone? I'm so sorry. All I can say is men suck. Just know you're not alone. I'm really not sure I can give you anything beyond that and I've been married for 19 years n(to your husband's clone, apparently).

[bubbaray]

Ditto. Men suck.

Hugs to us all.


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

DD#2: 01/2007

[psophia17]

Jeanne's said it better than I could.

More hugs to you and your DS - as many as you need, and some more for good measure.

[coachkath]

First, Hugs to you...
I totally understand the understanding lady and the b*tch. I've been both. The alcohol thing is just a dealbreaker in my book. Did he drive with DS that way?
One thing that worked for me, after being the superior b-tch to DH about his drinking, was actually talking with him when I wasn't mad. No holier than though speach about drinking, which he seemed to hear, but due to my tone, he ignored. Steps....I want DH to stop drinking, but I know he won't do it overnight...so, when he watches DD when I work pt time, I told him, calmly, that in no way do I want my daughter to have a daddy who drinks, but more important, right now, if something were to happen to her and she woke up sick (he always claimed he didn't open a beer till after she was in bed) and he had to take her to the hospital or something, and he was drinking and soemething happened, he would never forgive himself. That seemed to work, and he's been great with not drinking till I get home since then.
It was all about the timing and tone.
That said, I don't know about your particular situation. I hope things do work out for you. It's so hard, relationships, when one partner is reluctant to work on it. Please keep venting - know that there are lots of people who will listen. Hopefully DH will too.
Warmly,
Kathy

[muskiesusan]

>(((Hugs))) For you sake and DS's, I hope that time is soon.
>You're a smart woman and a great mom. You deserve more from
>life than this.
>
>More (((Hugs)))
>
>Jeanne
>Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

Jeanne expressed my thoughts exactly.

Susan
Mom to Nick 10/01
& Alex 04/04

[kozachka]

>Did he drive with DS that way?
No, thankfully, his office is a block away from where we live, so walking distance. I just don't want DS to get the idea that drinking is fun and OK, to follow in his dads footsteps so to speak. DS had a good time at the party as women is the firm entertain him and this one particular lady loooves to play with him. Still, I was mad that DH did not follow through on his promise of bringing DS home by 7PM and that DS ended up eating nothing but cake by 9PM.

>One thing that worked for me, after being the superior b-tch
>to DH about his drinking, was actually talking with him when I
>wasn't mad.
I am still mad since today DH has been acting/feeling sick and the only thing he wanted to do all day was sleep. We've talked many, many times. It seems to work for a while, until DH gets bored with everyday life or there is a social occasion, an excuse to get drunk. The only thing that seems to make him stop drinking is his health. And admittedly, things are not as bad as they used to be but still are bad for my taste. I mean there was a similar situation two weeks ago!

>Please keepventing - know that there are lots of people who will listen. >Hopefully DH will too.

Thank you Kathy, your and other ladies support means the world to me. And having this forum as an outlet to vent has saved my sanity over the last few years. No kidding.

[coachkath]

...DH has been acting/feeling sick and the only thing he wanted to do all day was sleep

Hmmm...would you trust DH enough to watch DS so you can pick up and leave without DS today. Leave him with DS, feeling hungover, lousy and alone and don't tell him when you'll be home. How would he react to that. Or annouce that you're going out overnight (to a friend's/relative's). I've come close to doing that, but never needed to. My SIL did that the when she was BFing and my brother came home with the "what did you do all day" attitude. Left him for hours with a hungry, crying baby. He NEVER had that attitude again. This was many many years ago (over 30) and although my SIL felt bad about leaving her baby hungry, to this day she doesn't regret it, as the baby was fine and my brother learned his lesson. (Now that baby has 4 babies of his own and is a great dad himself! Learned a lot about being a good parent from both his mom and dad.)
Kathy,
mom to Kelly
auntie to Josh - great-auntie to Pete,Jenny,Will&Kate

[gatorsmom]

First, let me say, Elena, big HUGS. I understand completely. I have no advice except to feel free to vent.

Second, I wanted to say to Kathy, that that story is great. I did something like that when DS#1 was a few months old. DH didn't understand how my life had changed. I talked myself blue in the face about how hard things were for me. He didn't get it. Until, one day, I did the same thing. I did it a little differently. I told him I had my cell phone but I was going out for some much needed me time. Since he didn't think it would be so hard to babysit AND get stuff done in the house, he should at least try to clean up the breakfast dishes. Well, after 3 hours he called whining where I was. I got home a few hours later and the dishes weren't done and the house was a disaster. (smirk) He gets it now.
Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[mommy111]

Elena, nothing to say except that I'm truly, truly sorry. I've been there in this whole, when is enough enough and when do I garner the courage/determination to walk out, and its tough in any situation but esp with a child involved. Hugs.

[Radosti]

Hugs!!! I don't know what to say. I used to date a russian guy in college for 3 years and that was often my thought - "Is this how it's always going to be?" The uncontrolled drinking really bothered me. I used to tell my friends that I had no willpower to break up with him, but I knew that I would not spend my life with him. I have no advice, I'm sorry. Huge hugs!!!

[kozachka]

>Hmmm...would you trust DH enough to watch DS so you can pick
>up and leave without DS today. Leave him with DS, feeling
>hungover, lousy and alone and don't tell him when you'll be
>home. How would he react to that. >Kathy,

I sort of did what you suggested, Kathy. After writing my OP, I called DH's cell and asked him when he plans to be home and inquired whether he'd be able to handle DS in the morning. He assured me that he'll be fine and will watch DS in the morning. Just what I wanted to hear }(. Sooo... when DS woke up at 8AM, I made sure DH got out of bed and took care of him since not only it was DH's turn to have some one-on-one time with DS, but also since I went to bed at 4AM, waiting for DH to come home, and he managed to wake me up a few times between 4 and 8 AM. Of course, after feeding DS breakfast and playing with him some, DH put on cartoons on computer for DS who happily watched them while DH was half-asleep next to me in bed. We usually save cartoon for 'special occasions'. DH argued that he should be allowed to put them on for DS since I do when I need to. Fair enough, I approved cartoons and continued sleeping through 10AM. Than, I took care of the kitchen while DS was drawing, and we went to a cafe, our Saturday morning treat. DH had to walk our dog before he could go back to sleep since I flat out refused to do it together with DS. I did not feel like being nice to DH (unlike the week-end before).

Two hours later (having missed my gym work-out, not that it was appreciated) I woke DH up }(, it took me a while but I managed, and explained to DH that I had to leave for the office. Next Thursday is a national holiday here so this Saturday people who had projects were working to make up for next Friday so that we could take a long week-end. DH and I had another argument, thankfully DS does not understand more than a few words in English, which we argued in, during which DH demanded that I return in two hours to take my turn being with DS. I refused to commit to any timetable, saying I'll be back when I am done and told him not to bother calling my cell since I am leaving it home. Lucky for DH he was 'rescued' by my dad and brother who showed up at our place around 4:30-5PM. They walked the dog in the evening and dad helped with DS. Or, and DS took a good nap, at least 2 hours, during which DH slept as well.

Few times when DH tried to complain, I reminded him that it was the price he was paying for staying out too late and drinking too much.

The problem (in addition to drinking) is not that DH does not know how difficult it is to take care of DS, he does. It is that he thinks that he should have his free time on week-ends and in the evenings, and that somebody else (nanny, cleaning lady, DW) should do all the chores. We have ongoing arguments about the amount of paid help we should be using and our ability to arrange it and pay for. According to DH (but not MIL ;))he was raised by a live-in nanny and grandma, and his parents were free to "enjoy life".

[JenniferMC1971]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do they have Alanon groups where you live?

[punkrockmama]

Elena, big, huge hugs from me to you. I really get the vibe from your posts that you are a beautiful, smart, cool person. Like Jeanne said better than I could, you deserve more than this.

You deserve to be happy and enjoy your little guy with a great partner to match you. I hope that you get that in whatever form you see fit.

Take care girl.

[coachkath]

Hi Elena and Punkrockmama,
I briefly read your post last nite Sheila about your situation and just wanted to let you both know I have been thinking of you both. I'm staring at the computer screen trying to think of something to say that's full of thought and wisdom...and I can't. I just am glad that you both feel comfortable enough to share and that so many of us can relate to at least some of the stuff you are each going through. Life is basically good for me, but sometimes, with DH's drinking - but mainly my OWN issues, I'm so glad I just take each day as it comes. I had trouble getting my prozac refilled, which I thought may be good b/c I thought of going off it - BIG mistake. I handle life, my kid, the dog and cat we're petsitting, my husband, job, relatives, all with much more ease than without it. I saw myself the last few days falling back into that black hole again and realized I don't have to be there. I still have the same situations and my happy pill isn't that, it just makes life more clear. My suggestions - ride things out until you know how You are doing. You gotta be happy with yourself.
Sorry if I'm not making sense...just letting you know my thoughts are here.
Kath

PS - Here's something unrelated but I thought funny. I die my hair red. Have for years. They have these stupid commericials now with a "war" b/t blondes and brunets. I made a comment last night about where are the redheads like me, and my DH said, "you're not a real redhead honey (DUH) - the drapes don't match the carpet"...Has he been reading these posts???? First time I heard that was the other day on this board someone said that about Britney Spears shaved head matching her carpet now. Have I missed out on some semi-common saying?

[trumansmom]

Have I missed out on some semi-common saying?
>
>

Yes. :P I think it's kind of a guy thing. Women don't tend to snipe at other women for dying their hair. :)

Jeanne
Mom to Truman 11/01 and Eleanor 4/04

[kozachka]

Thank you for taking time to post this. I've been thinking about Sheila's and my own situation for days, and upon reading your and other pp posts, I actually suggested to DH during the talk we had tonight, that he should talk to a doctor about possibly going on some sort of medication for depression as I quite happy with my life, not counting the situation with my relationship with DH. Fat chance it would actually happen since Prozac did not help him when he briefly took it in 2000. Of course, he started using it to elevate his mood before going out as one would drugs, and when he decided to get off Prozac, he just quit cold turkey. It was a major disaster :(. DH's mom who is a psychiatrist ended up flying over to piece him together. DH also complained of lack of creativity and sharpness of thought while on medication. And sex life while DH was on Prozac was almost non-existent. I think because both of DH parents used to be psychiatrists, he is not a big believer, to put it mildly, of therapy and mood medications. Too bad for me. He is definitely not happy with his life and blames me for it.

Today DH finally told me what he sees a nanny doing :eyeroll. She would meet DS from daycare, feed him, and put him to bed, all while we do "what normal people do", like reading, watching TV. DS currently is getting asleep at 10:30 PM, and lately we both had to get involved to get him to sleep. Today he finally got asleep at ten to eleven. The attempt to celebrate International Women's Day (March 8) with dinner that DH cooked and wine failed miserably :(. DS refuses to sleep by himself and as soon as I/DH try to leave the bedroom, or shortly after, he gets out of bed and find us. The conversation ended with me asking that suppose if I were to agree to this where we would find such a late night nanny, how much she'd charge us and how we'd be able to afford it. DH agreed that it's not in the card right now but was no happier for it. He also explained to me how tired he gets at work and why, so I feel somewhat better as the result of this conversation.

[kcandz]

Your situation breaks my heart. I read all your posts, and they all say one thing to me: for whatever reason, tired from work, whatever, that your DH does not want to be a parent to your son.

I work all day. So does DH. I get home exhausted. But I love to feed my DC, and put DC to bed. Why would I possibly want to outsource that? Sure, sometimes it is really hard, with stalling and crying all kinds of toddler hijinks. But DC is such a joy also - singing songs, making jokes. I can read and watch TV when I'm 80 and DC is off raising my grandchildren.

You can't change another person. You can't make them want to change.

Good luck to you, mama, in whatever choices you make.