I HATE when people judge me based on our financial situation..(warning long)..

[gatorsmom]

Ok, my husband is an entrepreneur and a workaholic. He just can't get it out of his blood- his father and grandfather were exactly the same. I would prefer that he worked less and earned less money. But he's the type who can't sit still and even when he's not working his mind is. As a result, he brings home a pretty good living for me and the kids. I'm a SAHM, we live in a nice home on a lake, I have a housekeeper who comes twice a month. I drive a Chrysler Town and Country, he drives a Ford Excursion. We have a ski boat. And a camper. That gives you some idea. We are comfortable.

I'm trying to become friends with some fun moms from our church. But one day one of them came to my house and commented several times how she never has the time to keep her house as clean as mine and lamented that she tries but can't keep up. She kept going on about what a bad mom she was so I said, "Well, don't beat yourself up too much, I have a housekeeper who helps me or I wouldn't get it done either." Since then, all she can say is how HER family doesn't have the money that we do. She just can't seem to let it go. I've tried to tell her the grass is always greener on the other side, at least you see your husband a lot more than I do. At least he listens to you without spacing out all the time and blah, blah, blah. Nope, I'm the rich girl in the group (which is totally unfair because there are much more financially secure people in this country and even this town. Much more).

The sad thing is, that we do donate a ton of money to our church. We help homeless people find housing and work with them personally to move in to their new homes and get their lives on track. We rent to low-income families who many times do not pay their rent. We've never pursued anyone in court. We've forgiven many a debt. But I never tell anyone that (except here, of course) because I don't want to sound like I'm braggging. I could tell this to this new "friend" but would it change her opinion of me? Probably not. Might make it worse. Again, why do we judge each other?

Anyone else run into this in their lives? Am I just a rich bitch who should just shut her mouth, quit complaining about anything and be thankful? cuz i'm getting that a lot lately.....

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[kcandz]

Is it just this one person? Don't beat yourself up over one person's impression. Who knows why she is hung up on money, she just is.

Everybody has a right to complain about stuff that isn't ideal. Your friend's complaint is that her house isn't clean and that she doesn't have all the money she wishes she had. Your complaint is that your husband is a workaholic and you wish he worked less and when he was home, that he focused more on your family and not still on work.

I am friends who have less than my family, and those who have way more. Am I envious of my extremely rich friend who has a housekeeper every DAY? Sure. Am I envious of their two-career household and how little time either of them have for their DC due to the demands of their jobs? Nope. We all make tradeoffs in life. As you said, why do we judge each other? I try not to judge or envy my friend. But both emotions sneak through, more than I would like.

Stay exactly as you are! You have nothing to apologize for. Your friend will see that truth when she is ready to.

[carryingandstrollingabout]

Your husband earns the money. He isn't mooching it. There's no shame in living well. You help the gross national product; you pay lots of taxes. And it sounds as if you give to charity. Yeah you.

People live at all different levels; and sometimes people with very little spend too much, and people with plenty pinch pennies.

Your friend just has to get over it.

I'm the opposite. I'm the only modest income person surrounded by the wealthy. So I swim in their pools and eat their catered food and let them host the big parties because they have so much space. And I reciprocate by hosting their kids for playdates, or picking stuff out for them while I'm out, or baking cookies, or being the one home to take your kid in an emergency. The only part that really sucks is when it is time for charitable donations and I feel like a jerk for kicking in $10 when everyone gives $500+. But that's all I can do, since there are so many chartities.

I hear you though. I'm a SAHM and I relative commented that she hadn't had the luxury of staying home; she had to work. Well, I discovered that since I had a low paying artsy career, that child care for multiple children + tax + commute cost more than I could earn. It would cost me money to go to work.

So the truth is that no one can judge anyone else.

[C99]

How do you know that they are really judging you? It sounds like they are making judgments about a certain situation, without realizing that this is your situation - the only reason to feel bad about it is if there is some truth to their comments and since you say you don't make your wealth an issue/obvious, there's no reason to feel bad. Personally, I'd be thankful that I was getting some tangible reward out of my DH working a gazillion hours; there are plenty of people out there who work a million hours and *don't* get a financial reward out of never seeing their kids, etc.

[LarsMal]

I think some people just like to complain- the "whoa is me" complex. Maybe she's insecure that she won't be able to "keep up" with you if you become close (shopping trips, going to lunch or dinner, etc.)

DH and I are in a somewhat similar situation. We recently moved into a nice house- not enormous, but definitely the biggest of all our friends, and most of our families. We get comments all the time about how big/nice our house is, and friends have said how they'll never be able to afford something like our house. It's gotten to the point where we feel kind of embarrassed by it. What people are forgetting is that we had to move 2 hours outside of DC to be able to afford it. Every time someone new comes into the house and starts making comments, we immediately feel the need to tell them that we paid 30K less for this house than we sold our old house for. That makes everyone's jaw drop, and helps put things in perspective, but I hate that I feel like I have to justify what we have.

The sad thing is we have some friends who still haven't come to visit (even after several invitations) and we are starting to feel like they don't *want* to come, because they don't want to see what life in a less expensive area has afforded us. Seems silly to me.

I hope your friend comes around. I don't know if it would help to talk to her about her insecurities, but if you really like her (and want her as a friend) it might be good to get it out in the open.

Good luck!

[chlobo]

You just can't control other people's reactions. There will always be someone who judges something about you. At the moment we have one room in the house (used to be the kitchen but we haven't fixed it up to be the dining room yet) where we hang all of DDs artwork. Well the walls are covered. And I can tell by the expression on people's faces when they see if that they think its excessive. Whatever. We all do what we can do.

Kudos to helping homeless people.

[Pennylane]

I can totally relate to what you are saying. My DH works like a mad man and we have a very comfortable life. Most of my friends live in nice houses though, drive nice cars and are SAHM. The big difference though is that we have more "disposable income". I get so tired of comments about how much I spend on my DC's clothes and what a waste it is or why don't I buy my toys from consignment shops. I used to make excuses like my mom had bought them the nicer items as gifts but now I just say I like them to dress cute and don't mind paying for it!

To each their own I say. I would never dream of judging someone because of money or lack of!

Ann

[dogmom]

I know this is off topic, but if you only have a cleaner coming in twice I month basically you are the one doing most of the work and the cleaners are doing the bathrooms and helping out. I have people come in twice a month and my house still look like a bomb hit it 28 out of 30 days between the two kids, husband that works at home, 2 dogs and a cat. We aren't well off, particularly now with my husband starting his own business. But I've decided I'll cut somewhere else than loose the cleaners. I'm also convinced it makes my marriage a better one since we have a lot less "chore tension" in the house. I have to work 4 extra hours a month to pay for it and I'm more than happy to do it.

As far as money goes, people can be hung up on money whether they have a lot of it or not. The best you can do is be comfortable with the choices you and your family make and not worry about other people.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[rorycam]

Personally, I would not worry about it. You will always be judged by certain people for having too much and by others for having too little, just a fact of life. I've been on both ends of the spectrum.

Coming from someone whose husband owes a ton in student loans, I would just enjoy the peace of mind that comes with a high income, no debt, and money in the bank and not give it another thought.

[Melanie]

Well, unless you are spending the entire visit complaining about your pricey problems (aka, "my housekeeper NEVER puts things where I want" or "I can't believe my son put his feet on our 4000 COUCH" "Our boat is always in the shop" etc.) then I would say it's her issue, not yours. I would just try to give a supportive response or two ("that must be frustrating") and if she doesn't drop it then I'd drop the visits.

[maestramommy]

Hmmm, this is a first for me. I mean, hearing about someone being obviously judged because they have much more money. IMO, I don't think anything you tell her is going to change her attitude. She probably feels bad about her situation and is "dissing" yours to make herself feel better. Besides, whether you donate your money or blow it at the track, I really don't think it's anyone's business except yours.

Do the other moms in the group give your this same attitude? If not, maybe you can hang out with them.

We judge each other when we're dissastisfied or insecure about our own situation, and need a little "sour grapes" comfort. That's all I can think of anyway. FWIW, I know a lot of people in your situation, and I think people like you are awesome in the community. Not everyone can be "comfortable" and it's great when the ones who are are generous with their blessings.

[newmomto3kids]

People will always judge you, no matter what. I am quite sure there are plenty of moms judging you right now for "bitching" that you are so rich and no one understands you.
While reading your post, I kept thinking that if you lived by me, you would probably be upset that you were being judged because you weren't driving a Land Rover and a Lexus SUV, you don't a live-in housekeeper and a full time nanny, and you don't have a summer home, or two.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think it is fair to remember that plenty of people would kill to be in your situation, and plenty of people are far better off than you,but I am sure you already know that.
So, yes, since you asked, I think you should stop complaining and thank your husband for providing you a life in which your biggest complaint is that you are the "rich girl".
And, I really am not trying to be mean....

[maddyzmommy]

Lisa,

I could have WRITTEN your post. We don't have a boat, though. ;). My husband makes a great living but spent years and years in school for it and now when people find out what he does it's often weird. So I just don't tell them. We grew up firmly middle class and we keep our appearances that way. As soon as people find out what he does the shallow ones immediately look at my jewelry. I have the same little ring he gave me when he was training, sorry to disappoint. It sounds stupid, but I do not tell my friends anything about his job until they've been friends with me for at least six months so I can make sure they're my friends for the right reasons. I've had several experiences lately in which ladies have treated me like CRAP at the park/library/play areas only to be shocked when I show up at same fancy party as a good friend of the hostess. Then, suddenly, I'm good enough. Freaking forget THAT! You would never, ever know from looking at us. Our house is nice but not overly so - we save, save, save - so I can get away with having new friends over without giving anything about our situation away.

Andi

[MartiesMom2B]

Tell the mom that if she wants extra money to hire a housekeeper that you could hire her to dispose of the mice in your basement.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie & Mei

[KBecks]

It is your friend who has the problem, and I think her problem is that she feels inferior to you -- first in terms of cleanliness, now in terms of cleanliness AND money. :)

I wouldn't tell her about your donations, etc. because that's going to make her feel even more inferior.

If you still feel comfortable socializing with this mom, then talk about the kids, change the subject to the kids. Be friendly and find as much common ground as you can. Gently share your flaws and problems if you feel comfortable with it, maybe some of your insecurities about parenting. KWIM?

ETA: Also, you can give her some genuine, heartfelt (but not gushing, or she'll think you are patronizing) compliments about her or her children.

Otherwise, I'd suggest you may want to "dump" this friend because she kind of has a negative attitude, and if she's proven to be more negative than positive, you may be better off distancing and finding friends who see more of you and not the labels.

[MelissaTC]

ITA. I totally get what you are saying girl.

[MelissaTC]

ITA. I totally get what you are saying girl.

[gatorsmom]

You are so smart!!! That is definitely the way to go!!!

The funny thing is, that where we lived before we had such a diverse group of friends. Some with no money (but had traveled the world), some with lots more than I"ll ever see, some who were single, some divorced, some were foreign, some locals who'd never moved before, etc. I never felt judged for any reason from any of them! Gosh, I miss that feeling of being accepted for being who you are, no matter what. Apparently, according to some posters here, I shouldn't expect to find that again.

too bad.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[gatorsmom]

You are so smart!!! That is definitely the way to go!!!

The funny thing is, that where we lived before we had such a diverse group of friends. Some with no money (but had traveled the world), some with lots more than I"ll ever see, some who were single, some divorced, some were foreign, some locals who'd never moved before, etc. I never felt judged for any reason from any of them! Gosh, I miss that feeling of being accepted for being who you are, no matter what. Apparently, according to some posters here, I shouldn't expect to find that again.

too bad.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[gatorsmom]

You remembered!!! Yeah, I'm starting to understand that this woman likes to complain about everything. I think that is DEFINITELY something she would complain about.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[gatorsmom]

You remembered!!! Yeah, I'm starting to understand that this woman likes to complain about everything. I think that is DEFINITELY something she would complain about.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[bunnisa]

Her insecurity is not your problem, even though I don't blame you for feeling hurt over the implications of her words. I wouldn't downplay your life or pretend that anything is different than it is. You don't have to explain away the things you're blessed to have because of your hardworking DH. What it all boils down to is heart attitude -- and in regard to money, you seem to have a healthy one while she does not.

True friends don't judge each other by income -- so time will tell whether this is a true friend or not. Just keep being you. And definitely don't tell her about your charity -- remember the verse in Matthew: "But when you give to the needy, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing."

Sorry you're dealing with this. There are always people who will find some way to compare themselves to you. My SIL is like that and I just had to resign myself to ignore her comments and hope in time she'd see that I wasn't competing with her (she's extremely competitive). I don't know if it's working yet...!


...blessed wife and mama to two & one due this summer!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres