Need help/advice! (warning long one)

[mom2one]

Hi all. This is my first time writing and reading over here (I live in the deals/coupon board) but I could really use some help/advice on what to do. I will try to make this brief as possible. My husband and I had a hard time conceiving and went the route of getting help. We got pregnant doing artifical insem (AI). And our child is now a happy/healthy 3 year old. At the time of that procedure, the lady comes in saying how odd that our name is not on both pieces of the thing that will be used to do AI. (I am not sure what the piece of medical equipment is called to do the procedure. But our name was only in one place and it had like two pieces of blue tape, and our name was only on one place.)She made the comment that someone new to their office was working there today and most of done things different. Well we let her do the procedure anyway and we got pregnant. I do admit, I had my doubts over the months of being pregnant, but he is here now (3 years old) and we love him. I think he looks like my husband, if anything he does not look anything like me. Well, the whole point of me writing this, is that, my husband makes a comment yesterday that our son has blue eyes. (both of us have green) And he thought that our son should have green eyes too because of dominant genes, etc. So I ask him if he is worried about him not being his child? (Just so you know, we have not discussed this at all in 3 years and 9 months) And he says, yes, he has his doubts because of that day and what that woman says. I said how can you, look at him. He says he loves him and that is all that matters. But I am so upset.My DH has doubts and has had them for a long time now?What are we suppose to do? Go get a blood test so we can carry on with the rest of our lives? And, what if by some werid chance he is not my husbands child? Will that just end our marriage? Does anyone know anything about genes and eye color and how that works? I just don't know what to do, I have not told any family or friends this and I am so upset that my stomach has been hurting for the last 24 hours. Any help, suggestions, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening. S

[mom2one]

Hi all. This is my first time writing and reading over here (I live in the deals/coupon board) but I could really use some help/advice on what to do. I will try to make this brief as possible. My husband and I had a hard time conceiving and went the route of getting help. We got pregnant doing artifical insem (AI). And our child is now a happy/healthy 3 year old. At the time of that procedure, the lady comes in saying how odd that our name is not on both pieces of the thing that will be used to do AI. (I am not sure what the piece of medical equipment is called to do the procedure. But our name was only in one place and it had like two pieces of blue tape, and our name was only on one place.)She made the comment that someone new to their office was working there today and most of done things different. Well we let her do the procedure anyway and we got pregnant. I do admit, I had my doubts over the months of being pregnant, but he is here now (3 years old) and we love him. I think he looks like my husband, if anything he does not look anything like me. Well, the whole point of me writing this, is that, my husband makes a comment yesterday that our son has blue eyes. (both of us have green) And he thought that our son should have green eyes too because of dominant genes, etc. So I ask him if he is worried about him not being his child? (Just so you know, we have not discussed this at all in 3 years and 9 months) And he says, yes, he has his doubts because of that day and what that woman says. I said how can you, look at him. He says he loves him and that is all that matters. But I am so upset.My DH has doubts and has had them for a long time now?What are we suppose to do? Go get a blood test so we can carry on with the rest of our lives? And, what if by some werid chance he is not my husbands child? Will that just end our marriage? Does anyone know anything about genes and eye color and how that works? I just don't know what to do, I have not told any family or friends this and I am so upset that my stomach has been hurting for the last 24 hours. Any help, suggestions, would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening. S

[nfowife]

I don't have any advice on your dillemna. But I did want to say that my DH and I both have hazel eyes. Our DS's eyes are bright blue. He is still an infant so they can still be changing, but I remember our daughter had those grayish eyes and hers turned brown. Everyone thinks DS's eyes will stay blue. It can happen that you can have a blue-eyed child!
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/columnist/aprilholladay/2004-10-14-wonderquest_x.htm
http://www.faqkids.com/idx/6/016/The_Human_Body/article/Can_two_browneyed_parents_can_have_a_blueeyed_chil d.html

[nfowife]

I don't have any advice on your dillemna. But I did want to say that my DH and I both have hazel eyes. Our DS's eyes are bright blue. He is still an infant so they can still be changing, but I remember our daughter had those grayish eyes and hers turned brown. Everyone thinks DS's eyes will stay blue. It can happen that you can have a blue-eyed child!
http://www.usatoday.com/tech/columnist/aprilholladay/2004-10-14-wonderquest_x.htm
http://www.faqkids.com/idx/6/016/The_Human_Body/article/Can_two_browneyed_parents_can_have_a_blueeyed_chil d.html

[madelinesmom]

I also do not have any advice, but another color story, I have dark brown eyes, everyone in my immediate family has brown eyes, (mother, father, brother). My husband has green eyes, his mother's are brown, fathers are green. I have two daughters with bright blue eyes. Brown should be dominate in our equation. Oldest DD still has the brightest blues eyes, we were sure they would change, our Ped. says probably not. I am so sorry that this has come up in your family, I hope someone else can help with a solution...

Jane
Madeline 1/20/03
Emily 11/29/05
http://b4.lilypie.com/l3-em6/.png
http://b1.lilypie.com/-FG1m6/.png

[madelinesmom]

I also do not have any advice, but another color story, I have dark brown eyes, everyone in my immediate family has brown eyes, (mother, father, brother). My husband has green eyes, his mother's are brown, fathers are green. I have two daughters with bright blue eyes. Brown should be dominate in our equation. Oldest DD still has the brightest blues eyes, we were sure they would change, our Ped. says probably not. I am so sorry that this has come up in your family, I hope someone else can help with a solution...

Jane
Madeline 1/20/03
Emily 11/29/05
http://b4.lilypie.com/l3-em6/.png
http://b1.lilypie.com/-FG1m6/.png

[mom2one]

Margaret- Thanks for taking the time to look up those articles for me. If I was not so upset, I probably would have done that. I hope to find the right time to show that to my husband. Thanks Again. S

[mom2one]

Margaret- Thanks for taking the time to look up those articles for me. If I was not so upset, I probably would have done that. I hope to find the right time to show that to my husband. Thanks Again. S

[Zana]

Im sorry about your situation. I can add another eye color story if that helps...we are asian with absolutely no eye colors in our extended family other than black or brown. Against ridiculous odds, DS has the brightest blue eyes ...so its possible!

[Zana]

Im sorry about your situation. I can add another eye color story if that helps...we are asian with absolutely no eye colors in our extended family other than black or brown. Against ridiculous odds, DS has the brightest blue eyes ...so its possible!

[Bean606]

We did IUI with a dark-haired, green-eyed donor, and I have dark hair and green eyes. DS was born blonde with bright blue eyes, and neither his hair color or eye color looks like it is going to change any time soon. My DH had cancer and radiation treatment when he was 11, so conceiving naturally was not an option for us. He was concerned about the donor issue and not being genetically related to DS, but now that DS is here, he and DH have totally bonded. Hopefully, even if you find out DS is not genetically related, you and your DH can work through it. I am a big believer in nurture over nature. As for telling friends and family, we aren't keeping it a secret, but we aren't making any big announcements either. Good luck with your decision.

[o_mom]

Both DH and I have green/hazel eyes and DS1 has very dark brown eyes (people comment on them all the time). DS2 is more hazel-ish. Green is considered a variation of blue, so it is certainly possible for two green eyed people to have a blue eyed child. My mom has blue eyes, so I know I carry some blue in there.

A couple links:

http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=29
http://www.ideum.com/portfolio/eye_color

(the second one tells me my child cannot have brown eyes, but we aren't sure on some of DH's side of the family and he is definately our child ;-). Also, my eyes were dark brown as a child, through elementary school at least, and now are green/hazel)

Anyway, all that aside, I would suggest talking with a counselor if possible - ask your RE for a referral. Find out what the hold up is for your husband and what he would feel if he wasn't genetically related. Most people will realize it doesn't matter. However, for your son's future and needing an accurate medical history, it may be worth the testing.

[kozachka]

Hugs. What a tough situation to be in. Somebody else posted the link to this site in the Lounge before http://www.thetech.org/genetics/, glad I book-marked it. Feel free to calculate the chances of having a child with blue eyes using What Color Eyes Will Your Children Have? calculator. Hint, even if you, your DH and both of your parents have green eyes it's more than zero by quite a bit.

Our DS had slightly more than 10% chance of having blue eyes and bet the odds. My friend's daughter chances of having blue eyes were in the low single digits, something like 3.5% but she looks adorable with blue peepers.

[hbridge]

I have no BTDT experience, but have had some of the same fears considering my own story. My advice, any doubt, call your endocrinologist who you worked with for the IUI. Explain your fears and why. If you decide to do testing, make them do it (and pay for it?).

You and your husband have been through too much to have any doubts. For the nurse/tech to say that about the sperm vial would have raised so many red flags for me as well.

Good luck! Definitely go through the doctor that you worked with and let him/her sort this out with you.

[Melanie]

ITA. Your son is your son, no matter what. If you & your Dh really want confirmation then talk to them and have the tests done.

FWIW, I hardly look a thing like any ancestors in my mom's family (all brown hair, brown eyes), then you take my entire generation and we ALL have blue eyes and light hair!

[dules]

Hi,

We did IVF and people have wondered the same, because DD has bright blue eyes and DH and I both have brown.

BUT DH's father and my father both have blue, and I have one blue eyed and one green eyed sibling.

It *can* happen! :)


Mary

[caheinz]

What makes a dominant trait dominant is that it will appear in as a physical trait no matter how many copies there are.

So knowing that you have eyes that are of a color dominant to blue (green, and the same would be true of brown) doesn't tell you whether you carry two copies of green or one of green and one of blue. (And there are only two ways to find out: genetic testing, or producing more offspring. Unfortunately in the latter case, the best way to tell is to do a cross with a "pure" recessive -- eg, pure blue eyes. Not suggesting that you try to test this at all, though! (Just taking the commonly-taught intro bio scenario to a silly place!))

It's totally possible for you to both have one green copy and one blue copy, and if so, each child has a 1 in 4 chance of having blue eyes. (Also, on average, 1/4 of your children will have blue eyes.)

This is oversimplified, as eye color is controlled by more than one gene (just like height). But, the general pattern holds: just because you show a dominant trait does not necessarily mean that your offspring will.

Biologist-hat off, I think you and your DH need to talk some more. He may want a test just to know. I hardly see how or why it would end your marriage if they messed up and the father is someone else -- it's not like you were cheating with a test tube without his knowledge! But, it might be something he needs to know, and in fact, he may end up having a better relationship with your DS if he knows the truth -- whatever it is, than he would if he's left to wonder.

In addition, I'd be more worried if your name was in one place and someone else's in the other, and it doesn't sound like that's what was said.

I hope you can find a peaceful resolution soon, since it sounds like this has been eating you up...

[dogmom]

Your DH needs to come to my house. My husband is half African American, he is not that dark complexion, but his mother is. So needless to say he has dark hair and dark eyes. I have brown hair/brown eyes. Both my kids have red hair, my son has brown eyes my daughter has blue. My daughter is paler than either my DH or I. Just to crown it off my DH has his stepfather's last name, which is Irish, even though neither my husband or I have a drop of Irish blood in us. So my poor kids are going to be asked, "So you are Irish?" for the rest of their lives. Maybe I should just enroll them in an Irish Dance troupe now. My husband always jokes we need to go on the Maury Povich "who's my baby's father" shows.

It is unlikely that there was a mistake, it is completely possible that two people with other eye colors result in blue eyed babies. (See above.) It is also entirely possible that in the future I will have a great-granchild that looks African American. Genes are funny things.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[mom2one]

I want to thank all of you for taking the time to post a reply. I was so afraid that no one would. I did talk with DH last night and told him that the last 24 hours had been just awful for me. We talked about the eye thing, and he agrees that kids could have any eye color with genes and all. I told him it sounded like we have two choices at this point: live with it and just get on with our lives or go get tested. He said he would have to think on it.

Everyone says that our DS looks like him, so I don't know what the problem is. Blue eyes are on both sides of our families. I could just shoot that lady for making that commment on the day of our procedure. I guess the thing that is bothering me the most, is that he has been living with this for 3 years and 9 months.

So with all this being said, I have no idea what he is going to want to do. It is not helping that he is stressed out with work and has a lot on his plate right now. But, I will keep all of you posted with an outcome when I know one. I do feel better having "talked" about this with someone and all of you are just so wonderful. Many thanks and hugs to all of you who are hurting or going through a rough time in a different way. S

[kellyotn]

I'm so sorry you are going through this, and that your husband had been going through this for some time. Its horrible what that nurse did.

Do you know all of your blood types? Verifying that they "add up" wouldn't be definitive, but it might ease his mind w/o testing?? Especially if there are rare types involved.

Best of luck to you and your family.

[gatorsmom]

Sometimes it's best to consider every possibility- not just you but your husband also. Just to play devil's advocate here: what would your husband do if there was a mix up? Would he leave you with the child? Would he openly reject your child for no good reason?

I ask this quite good naturedly because I was adopted at birth. 40 years ago, AI was non-existent, or at least, not an option for my parents who were so desperate for a baby. I adore my parents and have never felt more loved in my life. I could never consider my "birth parents" to be my real parents since the only favor they did me was to give me to some parents who wanted to share their lives with me.

Frankly, I don't think it's even worth wondering about because what we've witnessed as parents is that it's not the "conceiving" part that makes you a good parent. It's raising your child with love and being a good, responsible example to them that's the most critical aspect to the parent- child relationship.

No offense meant by any of this, btw. I was just trying to look at it from the perspective of a child who never knew her birth parents. And to this day, (because of my wonderful upbringing), has no desire to.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005