GRRRRRRR..Long Long Vent/Rant about $$

[coachkath]

There is No one I can talk to about this so I need to type it out to get it off my chest.
I don't know if I'm mad at DH or myself, or if I have the right to be mad at anyone.
I work OTH 2 days a week. Not great $$, but not bad, considering I was able to chose my own hours, part of the state we live, etc.
I'm also launching my Usborne Book business which is sucking up a lot of time but will hopefully pay off.
Of course DD is a full time job 24/7 - no need to tell you that.
So, my check is small. So, yours truly racked up 4k in cc debt since Sept. On top of the other cc debt that I was paying off. DH was so proud I had paid off so much of cc (yes *I* paid, with my tiny little paycheck), and then I bought Xmas presents, things for DD, a few clothes NOTHING EXTRAVEGANT, which includes DIAPERS, FORMULA WHEN SHE WAS STILL A BABY, things he didn't buy and I did cause we were low and I was out and about. Which totals our cc debt to 10k. I still pay cell phone bill too. DD will occassionally "help" if I need it, but it is MY debt. I haven't used cc in a month and DH wakes me up last night with bill in hand saying we need to talk. NOT NOW. Because 200 showed up on card (from the month before). He 'ordered' me to cancel Netflix (11.99 month). EXCUSE ME. He, who just went out and rented a DVR so he could record Lost b/c it's on too late now. But, he says, he's not the one with 10k in cc debt. Then he keeps saying we need to save (who the hell is WE) for his 7-week sabbatical next year when we plan on travelling across country.
How the f-k am I supposed to put gas in my car?
I don't know who's living more in la-la land, me or him. I honestly don't think we make enough $$ (even tho DH has a good job) to cover expenses. We have a 15 year mortgage that sucks up most of our check. He refuses to budge on that, and considering our age and what we'll save in the end I can understand that. How the hell am I going to be able to buy a pair of pants or 2 for the summer? Salvation Army here I come. We're house rich and penny poor. We do not go out to eat, and I certainly don't buy things for the house, self often and when i do, it's not expensive. YIKES.

Has anyone ever been to counselor to discuss debt????
Why do I feel so poor, when we're not. Why do other people have things and I don't yet I have debt?

K is starting to wake up now. Gotta stop. I feel a bit better after venting.

[elizabethkott]

I haven't btdt, but a friend has...
A financial consultant is definately worth the initial money. If you go there with everything - all your account, cc, paycheck, stock, IRA/retirement, morgatge info, a good financial consultant will be able to help you start on a plan of saving money while paying off debt at the same time. Also, if you can bring a record of monthly expenses (phone, water, gas/oil, electricity, cellphones, cable, internet, groceries (estimate on this one)) that will really give the fc an idea of what the balance should be.
My friend did this with her DH who was in a tremendous amount of cc debt. They are now (2 years later) financially sound and were able to start a vacation account.
There is hope! The initial cost of the financial consultant is a drop in the bucket in return for the chance to be fully debt free. Don't let your DH talk you out of it for that reason - if you have to, go by yourself.
Good luck!!!

[Lilysmom06]

Sorry to hear about your situation. I think Liz gave you great information. I don't have anything helpful to add, just wanted to let you know you are not alone. $$ here is definitely tight as well. Too bad we don't get paid for taking care of the kids - the salary of housekeeper, laundry, chef, personal shopper, nanny, chauffer, accountant, etc would definitely add up.

Good luck, Kathy

[dogmom]

I would advise BEFORE seeing a debt counselor to sit down and have a discussion of how you both view finances. In general I think things in a marriage don't work well if a couple at ALL views it as his money vs. her money. Soon as you buy a house and have kids it BOTH of yours money, if not as soon as you get married. I now some people have separate accounts and such, but I lot of times I think its to avoid discussions about money, what it means, and what are your mutual goals. The 10K in debt is both of yours, legally and otherwise. You are a single family financial unit. I just have such strong feelings about this. I really feel that this can lead to so many marital problems because it can lead to one spouse blaming the other for all the financial problems and not take an honest look at themselves, from either side. Seen too many divorces as a result of this.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[kozachka]

I must be missing something. How could you have racked 4k in additional cc debt since September, which is just over half a year, without buying anything extravagant? This is probably not what you want to hear but I think you can't afford a 15 year mortgage, 7 week sabbatical to travel and even a cell phone plan other than a minimum one for emergencies. And unless you don't have cable, Netflix falls in the same category as does renting DVR. Look at your cc statements and try to be brutally honest with yourself what was an absolute necessity (formula falls into that category) and what was not (X-mas presents?). Even if things are not expensive, they do add up. Start with writing down every single penny that you both spend and setting up a budget.

I hope you can work things out. I lived through some rough times growing up so DH and I often argue about spending but he credits me for us saving money.

[niccig]

Sounds like you're expected to pay for many household expenses on your smaller salary. What does your DH pay for? I have to agree with other about the problems with your money and his money. My parents do this, they argue constantly about who paid for what. In their case, it's all about control. I grew up witnessing all those arguments and had my own money issues. I had to get over those when I married DH and moved here. I couldn't work when I was going through immmigration, so DH's salary paid for everything. He never saw things as yours/mine, and I don't anymore either.

I would go see a counselor asap. Financial issues kill so many relationships, you need to get on the same page. I don't know if you saw the Oprah specials on the debt diet. They had 3 families. Of the 3 families, 2 worked together to understand how they got in the situation without blame and then they worked together to pay off a huge chunk of the debt. The 3rd family didn't work together and still sqabbled, by the end of the time they had even more debt.

You need to pull in the same direction together. An objective 3rd person could help you to work it out.

Sorry this is long, but your post brought back some ugly memories from my childhood. My parents are still the same, but the difference is that I'm an adult now and I leave the room/house when they argue.

I hope you can work it out.

[maddyzmommy]

Hi,I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Life changes when you take action. We read The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. He's on the radio in most major metro areas daily and listening to him is fun and enlightening. Here's his website: www.daveramsey.com. Good luck. You can dig your way out, but you need to talk to DH about merging your finances. I strongly dislike my debt/your debt conversations between married people. Our kids/our house/our blessings/our money is the way to go. Good luck! Don't worry! You can fix it.

Andi

[elephantmeg]

well said!

>I would advise BEFORE seeing a debt counselor to sit down and
>have a discussion of how you both view finances. In general I
>think things in a marriage don't work well if a couple at ALL
>views it as his money vs. her money. Soon as you buy a house
>and have kids it BOTH of yours money, if not as soon as you
>get married. I now some people have separate accounts and
>such, but I lot of times I think its to avoid discussions
>about money, what it means, and what are your mutual goals.
>The 10K in debt is both of yours, legally and otherwise. You
>are a single family financial unit. I just have such strong
>feelings about this. I really feel that this can lead to so
>many marital problems because it can lead to one spouse
>blaming the other for all the financial problems and not take
>an honest look at themselves, from either side. Seen too many
>divorces as a result of this.
>
>Jeanne
>Mom to Harvey
>1/16/03
>& Eve 6/18/06

[miki]

I don't have any more advice for you other than what has been mentioned. But your DH does not need to rent a DVR to record Lost. You can watch it for free by going to the ABC website after it airs.

[Wife_and_mommy]

I second Dave RAmsey! He's real, funny, and principled. DH and I are taking his Financial Peace University right now. It's really motivating and encouraging to be in charge of your finances instead of letting it control you.

I hope you're able to get things worked out. hugs to you.



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I love them most when they are sleeping.--Me
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[coachkath]

I want to thank everyone for their imput. I agree with everything everyone is saying. DH and I had a discussion (not an argument) about stuff the other day and we were both able to get some things off our chest. I have not charged in a month and I even just had a conversation with my best friend, who doesn't have cable or anything unnecessary and lives ok with her DH and 4 DC's which was eye-opening. I know we need to cut back. We're not extravagent, but little things DO add up. I know the main reason people get divorced is over $$. DH and I decided that we need to talk about money more - we spend too much time assuming the other person knows what's going on with expenses. *I* have decided to write everything down. He did not ask me. I think part of me was rebelling against him in a way, as he can be tightwad, except when it comes to the things he wants (which he justifies as "for us, for the value of our home"). I have matured and opened my eyes in the last few days. THANKFULLY. I decided not to be defensive around him, mad at him, (ya, I know, I'm the one with the debt-the best defensive is a good offense), but he needs to take care of his issues, but that doesn't justify not taking care of MY issues. Yes, as we are married it is OUR debt, and ultimately we both know this, but we know this will be something we both need to continuously work on. It won't resolve itself in a day, habits don't change overnight, but I think we're on a better road. COMMUNICATION - It really DOES work - when BOTH people listen.
THANKS AGAIN, and I will check out that website
Kathy

[ShanaMama]

Good for you Kathy. Sounds like you are seriously moving in a positive direction. BTW I love listening to Dave Ramsey when I can catch him, & his website can also refer you to a local financial planner.
One thing I learned from his books is using *cash only*. Leave your cc at home. If you only have a certain amount of cash in your wallet, you'll buy formula first & then gifts. Forcing yourself not to use your credit card will prevent you from racking up more debt. And the best part is, once it's paid for, you never have to think about it again. Whether you decide to splurge on something or just buy what you need, you don't need to rehash the price when you pay the cc bill.