An only child........yeah right

[BGTF2001]

Wow this is my first post and i am gr umping! here's the deal, I waited until i was 26 to get married (i know, not that old. BUT in Oklahoma, i am a novelty) and them waited 3 years to have a child, ONE child. so my little lamb turned 1 on the 17th of Jan. on Jan 20th my MIL was taken to OKC and put in the ICU. SO the drop their grandson, my husbands nephew, off at my front door. This is not a big deal, he stays with up periodically because his mom is really messed up and the kids (he has a sister 15) have been taken away from her. My MIL had custody and decided that she could home school them pulled the boy, we will call him Luke, out of pre-K 1/2 a year into that school year.
I have nothing but love for my MIL and show her the same respect i show my mother. BUT she didn't teach the kids at home. She would let both children stay up all night and watch TV so she could mess around on the Internet and then they would sleep all day.

WELL, time moves on and 3 months later, my MIL calls to tell me that she doesn't want Luke, he is just to much for her, and that she has turned the sister back over to her mother who, by the way, is really really messed up! She and the sister live out of their car and the sister have been having "relations" with "persons" over 18 for monetary gain. ( breaks my heart :-( ) so now Luke is 7 years old, he can't read, does not know the letter sounds, can't write or add and does not have ANY social skills because he was pulled out of school. ( he and his GM set in her house out in the country for 5 years, he would get to go to the thrift store if his GF took him but other than that, he was basically a prisoner)Now he is sent to live with the 3 of us!
Here's where I get self-centered!!! I liked my family just the way it was. I had my son, whom i had longed for all my life and a HD that was heaven sent, kind understanding, EVERYTHING you could ever want in a HD.

I have put Luck back in school. He was tested at a kindergarten level but was placed in the first grade which he will have to repeat next year. We signed him up for soccer, baseball, kick boxing, BMX for kids, and host of other activities to get him socialized. BUT I end up do EVERTHING. I am a SAHM and loved it with my son, but now i am stressed and confused and mad and tormented and behind on house work and all the other things i can grump about!
HD works hard, 5 days a week, and provides for our every need. BUT on the weekend, I want him to play with our son like before Luke was sent to live with us but Luke is always whining and crying to go out side and do stuff. I understand that he is 7 and boys will be boys but when he walks out the door with Luke and our son stands at the door begging to go with his daddy and then lays do in front of the door so he will know when HD is coming back in, i want to take Luke and drop him back off at the MIL.
I am a awful person, he is just a child! I have been keeping this all bottled up for over 3 months now and I just have to get it out!!!
I am truly sorry if anyone is offered by this post! that was NEVER my intention.

[DrSally]

THat is a really tough situation. I feel so much for Luke, he's been so deprived. Lucky for him, you are getting him back on track. I also understand that you waited until the time was right for you to have a child and expected to have a specific quality of time with him. That is really sad about him begging to go out with daddy. I'm sure it's a big adjustment for him too. Are there any other relatives that can help out with taking Luke to and from activities? Luke needs a lot right now and your (very understandable) stress and resentment could also be detrimental to his development. I just hope you can find a good solution that works for your family and Luke.

[KrisM]

That's hard because it is not Luke's fault that he's in this situation. I know how hard it is to remember things like that. We've got a 4 year old in a playgroup that is just terrible, but it's her mom who doesn't disipline or pay attention that is the problem, not the little girl.

Anyway, can your husband take both kids outside together? That's what my DH does with DS (nearly 3) and DD (9 months). I know 7 is a lot older than 3, but if you have a swing set, maybe he can push your DS in the swing or help on the slide, while still playing with Luke.

I think you're doing a great thing by helping Luke. He needs someone to really care for him. I also think you're feelings are totally allowable, since you certainly didn't ask for this situation. I hope you can make it work for everyone.

[emilyf]

Oh what a hard situation, I can't even imagine. Really-for everyone. Do you think Luke really needs to be in so many activities? Maybe just let him pick one and let him focus on that and on school. I also don't think your dh should feel it is his job to entertain Luke- I think activities that both kids would enjoy would be fine (park, playground etc.) I'm sure this has been a rough adjustment for you, but hopefully things will settle down. You are doing a great, great thing.
Emily mom of Charlie born 11/02 and Zoe born 9/05

[klwa]

Hey, dear. BIG HUG first off. And take a big breath. My SIL's mom was placed in a similar situation, only she thought she had all of her children out of the house, only to have her cousin drop 2 girls off at her house. It was NOT easy on anyone.
So, here's my best advice, and understand that I'm not trying to be critical or mean.

1) Call Social Services about your niece. If SIL's parental rights have been revoked, they should be able to get involved. No, living in a foster home might not be the best thing ever, but it's better than what she's dealing with now.

2) I know you're worried about his socialization, but cut back on L's activites. Right now, he needs to feel like there's some stability in his life, more than he needs to learn to interact with others. One or two activites at the time, plus school, should help him gain the skills he needs in those areas. And extra time at "home" might help him a lot more. And, it gives him more time to try to catch up in the educational areas.

3) I agree with PP. Ask DH to spend at least some outdoor time with BOTH boys. You'll get some alone time in the house to clean, or just veg, and all of teh boys will be happy. In another 6 months, DS will be chasing after his new "big brother", anyway. Swing sets or push toys while L is riding his bike or what have you. Get DH out playing with everyone.

4) And this one, you may already be doing, but for getting the house work done, don't forget that L is old enough to help out with some simple chores, which might help you feel a little less stressed. Every weekend at that age, it was my job to dust the living room. And clean my own room. And help clean the table. You may want to start getting him involved in the family that way.

-Kris

[Lynnie]

i know you are venting, and not asking for advice, but maybe you could cut back on luke's afterschool activities - won't do anyone any good to have YOU, the mama, all stressed out. so maybe he could just do soccer and perhaps one other thing and you wouldn't be stuck trying to do too much. a stable family with discipline and love will really do so much more for him than a whirlwind of extracurriculars, i would think. And the school and one or two activities should be plenty to socialize him.

good luck with a very tough situation - i can see how it would be hard to vent irl.

[bisous]

This is such a heartbreaking situation. I think you have every right to feel frustrated and confused for having to take on a situation that you didn't create and that you didn't plan for. I offer you every sympathy in the world and hope that thinks look up for you.

I have to tell you that a similar situation happened to my mother. While I was in college (but there were three younger children at home) my nephew came to live with our family for a little while. He was 8 years old and was taken from his mother at 4 because she was a drug addict. Between that time he was taken to live in various foster homes, group homes, etc. He had behavioral issues and might have had some inherent problems because his mother was addicted to drugs upon his birth. My mother was the only one who could control him and he was really, really hard. Keep in mind that she already had 5 kids that she had raised at this point.

In the end, she ended up agreeing that having the nephew was too much of a hardship for the family. It was something that my mother was willing to deal with but it was hard on my eleven year old sister and my father. My nephew left the home after less than a year.

I respect that my mother had the right to do what she did. She ultimately decided on what she thought was best for her nuclear family. I have to tell you that I was really upset when I'd heard that my nephew was leaving as I was just so worried for him. Of course, it was easy for me to talk when I wasn't even in the home interracting with the child or dealing with him in any way. I still feel badly that he didn't have the opportunity to live with my mother. She is really gifted with children and it would have made a difference in his life. Instead, he went back to the foster system. He is now nearly 17 years old and despite everything, a pretty good kid. I have hope for him.

I guess my point in relating this is that I think that the months that he spent with my family were tremendously beneficial for him. Just the stability of a few months seems to have made a difference. In the end, my family decided the strain was too great. I still think about the decision to have him leave our family to the point that when I was engaged to DH I had a talk with him about if that ever happened to us what would he do. We both agreed that we would do our best to help our extended family in any way that we can.

I have tremendous respect for what you are doing. I cannot even imagine what kinds of changes that must bring to your family. Feel free to come and vent here ANY time. You haven't offended me in the slightest but I have every respect for what you are undergoing.

I have to tell you, also, that from the benefit of hindsight, I think that had my family weathered the storm of the influence of the nephew it might have been a really positive thing for all of them. I honestly feel that if a family really pulls together and believes in what they are doing for a good cause that it brings them closer and is one of the greatest lessons that we can teach our children. I hope that together your family can find arrangements for fulfilling everyone's needs. Yours, your DH's, and your DS's as well as the nephew.

HTH

[deborah_r]

>
>1) Call Social Services about your niece. If SIL's parental
>rights have been revoked, they should be able to get involved.
> No, living in a foster home might not be the best thing ever,
>but it's better than what she's dealing with now.


Yeah that, and ASAP! Odds are she will start, uh, renting out the 15 year old daughter soon enough, if she hasn't already. Sad and disgusting to think about, but doesn't sound unlikely from your description.

[gatorsmom]

Wow- exactly what she said! You are doing a tremendous thing for that little boy and if you stick it out you will always look back with respect and pride in yourself for your decision and your fortitude.

I was going to also add that regarding your DS, I know that my husband (who loves to play with our 2 sons and is great with them) didn't seem interested in playing with our sons until they were able to walk and communicate a bit (around 15 months). Now, they do everything with Dad. Some of my friends have said the same about their husbands. The more the babies grow into boys, the more "fun" they become. Hope I didn't upset anyone with that, it's just what I"ve noticed with our sons and my friends' comments.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005

[egoldber]

I feel for you. This is an extremely difficult situation, for everyone. I took in my older sister's 16 year old DD several years ago (before I was even pregnant with my first) and it was terribly hard on all of us.

I agree with others who say that you need to pull Luke out of some of those activities. If he's in school all day (and I assume he is as a first grader) I would have him pick one, maybe two activties, and do those. I have a hard enough time juggling my 5 year old, half day K, 3 activities (one of which is occuptational therapy) AND a 5 month old. Next year when she's in school all day, I am going to ask her to pick one activity she really wants to do and that will be it.

I would ask the school if they can do special pullout services for Luke. If he's in first and not reading, then he needs to be working with a reading specialist to help him catch up with his peers.

And it really, really is OK to grieve that your life is not like you planned it. You can love Luke and still be sad about losing the one on one time with your first child. You can't bottle these emotions inside. Is there a support group of some sort where you can get an outlet? But if Luke is going to be in your family long term, then you and your DH need to find a way to make this work. You have a new family dynamic and talking about that and what it means for all of you is important.

And I also agree about calling CPS about your sister and the 15 year old. That is a terrible situation for her. My neice was also living on the streets (although she had been kicked out of the home by her stepfather) and she still suffers to this day because of the abuse she suffered both in the home at the hands of her stepfather and because of what she experienced on the streets.

[maestramommy]

I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. This sounds so difficult, and I think it's okay to grieve for the family that you had before Luke came. I agree with pp about cutting back on the activities. I think for most kids that age it sounds too much. He would probably benefit more from being part of a stable family routine.

I also agree with the person who said her Dh didn't seem as interested in the kids until they were older. That's certainly true for my Dh. I mean, he'd play with dd every day, but mostly because he knew he should. But it wasn't until she turned one and even more recently that he has actually started to enjoy it, because heck, now she can walk, she laughs at his games, and she's happy to see him when he walks in the door. Not like before when she mostly sat there and stared at him doing his monkey tricks.

I think Luke might benefit from having your ds join in outings with your Dh, like going to the park, playing on the swings or whatever. And it's not right for your Ds to be left at home. There are ways in which the 3 of them can have fun together. And YOU NEED A BREAK!

[Melanie]

My heart breaks for all of you. Really.

I hope that you can find a way to mesh as a new family, soon. It's definitely not "fair" to you or your son, but that is how things go. I wouldn't write Luke off, though, he is only 7 and after some time in his new stable and permanent home I hope he can get a little less 'needy.'

Maybe your Dh can find things to entertain both boys now & then?

[mommy111]

I don't mean to sound mean or uncaring or heartless when I say this, this just so involves your life and your family and the life of a young person that I had to say this.
You are doing a wonderful thing by taking Luke in. You are concerned about him and are obviously making the effort to have everything work out for him by enrolling him in classes/afterschool activities etc. But its an enormous strain for you and your family. So here is what I have to say: you don't HAVE to do this. You can choose to put Luke in foster care. You are doing this out of the kindness of your heart and because you are a wonderful, good person. Many people would have refused to even take Luke in.
However, if you decide to keep Luke, remember that you also have to think about the rest of you (including your family and yourself, without which your family cannot function). So set limits and rules that you can work with and that can keep you sane. Have Luke help...its only fair. Maybe in the form of playing with DS under your supervision in the house. In our family, older kids were required to entertain the younger kids and NOT make them feel left out. Have DH take both boys out when he goes out, and make it stuff that's appropriate and fun for both. The older-younger brother bond can be a wonderful one, I suspect that you will have to let it develop here, but it will with time. Luke is thirsty for attention right now and you need to make sure that attention is fairly distributed.
Again, you should understand that you are not obligated to keep Luke, just make a choice with your heart and feel free with whatever the choice is, then work with it to the best of your ability.
Hugs for you, and in this process, don't forget to give yourself a break and remind DH that you need to retain your sanity as well.

[dogmom]

I think you should get involved in child protective services for several reasons. At least in my state you may be able to get money since you are basically being a foster parent and saving the state money. I agree that it is not after school activities Luke needs. He sounds like he needs a stable, loving family and probably a male presence. (Doesn't sound like he has had a good male role model.) Also, a social worker could help you sort through things to figure out what is best for Luke and your family. With a little help Luke may be able to become a loving, positive force in your family. I don't want this to sound harsh, but if you are not going to treat Luke as a full member of your family you will do him much harm and he might be better off with a foster family. That doesn't mean that Luke always has to come first, just that he shouldn't feel like he's resented.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[bunnisa]

First of all, don't feel guilty for your frustration and disappointment. You need to process these things. Life has not turned out how you expected, and that's going to take some major emotional adjustment on your part.

For Luke -- like the PPs said, I wouldn't worry about "socialization" either. What that boy needs most is the socialization of mature, responsible adults who love him and set firm and fair boundaries for him. Getting socialization from other children is not what he needs most. He doesn't "need" any of those activities - I think the PP was wise to suggest you narrow it down to one.

Give him time. He may be behind academically right now, but he's only 7 -- he has plenty of time to catch up.

Sounds like what your family needs best is calm! Please try to slow down and not overschedule yourselves.

It's a rough situation all around, but perhaps this is really a positive thing for your family. Maybe you can't see it now, but try to look at it with a long-term perspective. Your child gets the friendship and "entertainment" an older child provides, and you get to help out a desperately needy little boy who was certainly heading in a very bad direction. This whole experience is going to cause you to grow and stretch in ways you never imagined (nor thought you wanted) but try and trust that it's truly for the best, for all of you.

And sending you a HUGE hug. Take some time out for yourself to recharge and think things through on a regular basis!


...blessed wife and mama to two & one due this summer!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres