I know you're not supposed to give ultimatums

[wilelm]

but I've had enough. Nothing like sending something like this to your husband via e-mail, eh?

"I’m writing this without any anger. In fact, I wasn’t angry last night when we were saying horrible things to each other, which is probably a sign that I should walk away before it gets any worse.

I’m tired of our circular arguments, tired of apologizing and fighting. Our relationship is devoid of love, affection, friendship, and especially respect. It’s not healthy for us or the kids.

We need counseling, and if we don’t get it, I’m going to leave. I’m going to continue to sleep in the guest room, [he's got a cold right now and snores like an elephant, so I've slept in the spare rooms the last 2 nights] and I will be civil in front of the kids, but I don’t want to discuss our relationship or spend much time around you until we get counseling. We’ve proven that talking about our problems together doesn’t get us anywhere, and I’m tired of it. I’ll read anything you want to write back to me, but I won’t respond to it. You need to make the time for our relationship, no matter how busy you are or how much it costs, and make an appointment. Until we’ve actually gone to an initial counseling session, I’m staying in the guest room."

We fight constantly, and got in another fight last night. I've repeatedly told him we need counseling, and he finally agreed, but then nothing happens.

He hasn't written back.

Sheila

[Moneypenny]

No advice for you, but I couldn't read this and not give you some support. Big hugs to you!

Susan
mama to my cutie pie, Avery
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[boogiemom]

Oh, Sweetie! I don't have any advice for you but to say I agree with you. It sounds like counseling needs to be the next step. I would do the same thing in your shoes. You shouldn't have to continue to live in a hostile environment and you are doing the right thing for your family.

Be well and find someone you can lean on during these difficult times. I'll be thinking of you. {hugs}

[wilelm]

Thanks to both of you.

He did write back, and agreed to counseling. His attitude sucks (it's all my fault; he never does anything wrong), but at least it's a start. We have our first session on the 18th.


Sheila

[SnuggleBuggles]

Great news!

I was sure my friends were headed to a divorce and were even seperated after months of counseling (and an affair by the wife). But, they stayed with the counseling during the 2 months they were seperated and now things seem better than ever. Just saying that so if it takes time to see results or things get worse before they get better know that there is hope. They have been in counseling for close to a year at this point and I am so amazed at their progress. I wish you luck in this journey together.

Beth

[stella]

I don't think that's a bad ultimatum - it sounds very appropriate to me.

hugs to you.

[sidmand]

I just wanted to wish you the best possible outcome for all you're going through. I hope it works out for the best.

Take care,

Debbie
http://b2.lilypie.com/BI7Tm5.png

[dogmom]

It sucks to give ultimatums for counseling, ideally one would never have to give one to get your partner to go. To quote the judge who was in charge of my divorce in my first marriage, "It takes two people to make a marriage, so if one person thinks the marriage is over, it is over." So if one person thinks a marriage needs counseling, the marriage needs counseling. However, I think there is such a mental block for people going to counseling it is really hard to go that first time for many people. Maybe your husband will "see the light," stranger things have happened.

I think you did the right thing, staying too long in the holding pattern of resentment in a marriage really can do so much damage that the relationship will never recover. You are doing the right thing by respecting yourself and your kids enough to take a stand. I'm sorry, it really sucks, but don't let anyone tell you that you did the wrong thing.

Jeanne
Mom to Harvey
1/16/03
& Eve 6/18/06

[caleymama]

Just wanted to offer you support Sheila. ((HUGS)) I'm glad to see that he agreed to go to counseling. May time pass quickly and peacefully for you between now and the 18th.

[saschalicks]

This is not an ultimatum this is you saying what you need. Putting yourself first is never ever a bad thing. {{{{{HUGS}}}}} I really hope there's a resolution one way or another.

[dules]

I'm so sorry. I'm glad to hear he has agreed to counseling, and wish you the best.


Mary

[daniele_ut]

I just wanted to offer another voice of support. This must have been terribly difficult for you to write and I am really glad that your dh has agreed to counseling.

[kijip]

A similar one saved my marriage. Demanding your needs be met is important.

Good luck, I hope you find exactly what you need for you and your children.

[DebbieJ]

RUN and see a counselor for yourself.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[Puddy73]

Hugs! Kudos to you for standing up for yourself. I hope that everything works out for the best and that you are able to find some much-needed peace.

Jennifer
Mommy to Annabelle 9/08/03 & Finn 10/31/05

"If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." - Jimmy Buffett

[wilelm]

Thanks for all of the support.

Things look good. When he came home he respected my request not to bring up specific issues, and just reiterated that he was willing to go to counseling. When I told him that it seemed like his attitude toward counseling was a little negative, he claimed that it wasn't true, and he thinks counseling will help us both.

And he's going out of his way to be nice and sweet, which is, of course, part of the cycle, but a nice one! Hopefully we can both keep it up until that first counseling appt.

Thanks again!

Sheila

[ribbit1019]

I am so sorry Sheila!! I hope counseling will help, giant hugs to you!

Christy
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[casey0729]

I read so many things saying that email is a tacky way to do stuff like that but since your verbal conversations weren't going anywhere, I think you handled this in a really mature manner. Maybe he just doesn't know how to talk any other way and this is what it took to get him to see the light. I wish you the best of luck.

KC

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