Sigh...I think I want a job...

[JoyNChrist]

This isn't really a bitch, but I need a place to sound out my feelings...

My whole life, I've wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom. My "dream life" involves six kids and me being the modern version of June Cleaver. Or at least, I thought it did.

I know I'm blessed to be able to stay home with Avery if I want to. And I love him so much, and I love being there for all the wonderful moments. But...to be perfectly honest...I don't know if I want to keep doing this.

It isn't just that it's hard having a new baby. It's that I'm feeling unfulfilled and unproductive. Even though intellectually I understand that I'm contributing to my family in a huge way (childcare, housework, etc), there are days when I feel like I'm not doing anything productive or helpful at all. I feel weird about shopping and buying things that we don't absolutely need (especially for myself), since I'm not contributing financially. Which is totally stupid, because we're not struggling, and my husband is totally supportive of me not working.

What's really weird is that I was a stay-at-home-wife for the year before Avery was born, and I never really felt like this. Maybe it's that I feel more responsible to provide financially for a baby. I don't know...

Sigh...I'm not sure why I'm even writing this, because I'm not sure what I want to do about it. Part of me really wants to get a job, but the other part of me looks at my beautiful little boy and can't imagine leaving him with somebody else all day. I just don't know...

Thanks for reading if you got this far. Guess I just needed to vent.

[o_mom]

First off.. BIG HUGS. I know just the feeling. I have been there, wondering why I was home, not feeling very productive and all that. I will say that it does get better. At 2 months you are just getting to a point where you can get a few things done other than feed/change/nap the baby and your hormones are nowhere near normal. By a year, we had something to do everyday. Not anything grand, but friends to meet at the park, LLL meetings, etc.

When DS2 was a year, I was finally in a good routine and feeling pretty good about it - doing fun activities, teaching DS1 some things. Then I got pregnant and it all went kapooie. :-) I am really looking forward to a year from now and being able to get back to that.

Hang in there and give it 6 months or more to see how you really feel. The baby stage is so short it will be over before you know it.

[lizajane]

first of all, you ARE contributing financially. could you get a job that paid more than daycare, taxes, work clothes, work lunches, communting costs- including wear and tear on your vehicle???

to be honest, i don't think i could. my last job paid $40,000 and when you add that to DH's salary and subtract the taxes (because of the higher tax bracket from being married to someone with income) and then subtract daycare for my two kids and then subtract work expenses as mentioned above... well, i don't really think i would be adding a whole lot o' cash to the household.

so drop that thought. you are contributing financially, which is the least of your worries because you are contributing SO MUCH TO AVERY!!!

it has been a very short time and i expect that avery does little more than sleep and look gorgeous. ;) wait until he can really look around and enjoy his surroundings. that is when you can take him out to the park to enjoy the way the light comes through the trees. you can take him to the pool to feel the way the water makes his legs cool and how the spashes touch his face. you can go to a playgroup and watch him stare at the other babies and wonder where on earth THEY came from into this little world. you may realize then how very much more you contribute than you realize.

and if you need something "for you" as i found i did, then find something part time or in the evening or on a weekend for a few hours. do something from home (which i do, which is admittedly SO HARD!) or WITH avery. try it out and see if that is really want you WANT or if you just feel guilty for wanting just what you have.

time. just give it more time. and take a deep breath.

working is GREAT for many, many moms. but if you are living you dream, then live it for a while longer before you think about giving it up.

[LarsMal]

You are definitely not alone in thinking/feeling this way. I have had the same thought many times since DS was born. I hate the feeling of being financially dependent on DH. I don't like feeling guilty when I spend money, especially on things for me. I also HATE when I feel like I have to ask "permission" first. The worst is every month when the credit card bill comes in and he pours over mine, looking at every purchase. It drives me crazy and I've threatened to go back to work several times because of it.

In the end, though, this stage goes very fast, and being able to stay home is really a special thing. I think it's one of those "The grass is always greener" situations. I know working moms who would give anything to stay home, and SAHM who would love to get out of the house. You have to do what's best for you and your family, but Avery is so lucky to have you home with him. Give it some time, you'll be active and busy before you know it- wishing for the days when you felt so bored! And someday when you have another little one you'll REALLY be wishing for these days!

Hugs to you!

[coachkath]

Yes, as the PP said, sometimes the grass is always greener. However, I waited (not purposely) till I was 43 to have DD and I LOVE being at home. I also feel like I needed to bring in some income so I work at my old job 2 days a week. I work Sun/Mon. Fortunately DH takes care of DD while I work so no daycare and it's perfect for them. However, I sometimes felt I was being torn just for those 2 days! Getting into "work mode", dressing up and leaving my family on a weekend day is getting harder and harder. But when I'm at work, I'm Usually fulfilled, and the small paycheck makes me feel Less guilty. However, I also started selling USborne Books. I love it. It takes up a lot of time, but it's MY time and I feel very much the career woman AND the SAHM. Now I really wish I could quit my Jenny Craig job. I love that I have control over how I run my business, when I run my business and I have contact with other's in the business and I've made a good friend who's not a "new" mom, with babies, that I can talk to about other stuff besides either babies or weight loss issues. That's what I foudn I missed - TALKING ABOUT ADULT THINGS AND BEING A FUNCTIONAL, INDEPENDENT PERSON away from my family. Examine WHY you want all to work (as the pp's said, it's new and it could be many different things such as hormones). You'll find your groove. I was in the working world forever, and despite that, being a SAHM is where i belong, but I can't do it without some kind of outlet. Hence, when I post sometimes, I go on and on and on and on....:)
Kathy, Kelly's old lady

[Laurel]

Don't mean to hijack, but me too. I have been thinking about my career a lot lately. Some days it it really hard to feel productive/fulfilled.

Don't forget that you are doing A LOT right now even if it feels like nothing is happening on a daily basis. They are only so little for a short while and you will have opportunities to work in the future if that is what you desire.

[lisams]

The first 4-6 months when I had just DD I felt the same way. The days seemed to drag on with feedings, diapering, putting baby to sleep, doing a load of laundry, etc. It DOES get better! Once you start taking him to things like music classes or library time it gets so much more fun. Also, you need to meet other moms and have a support group if you don't already. Being a SAHM can feel very isolating.

Right now you're in the "bonding" stage of mommyhood. You basically care for your DS's needs and the interatction is just barely starting, so some days it'll feel like all you're doing is taking care of his needs with little in return, but it really is so much more than that.

Give it some time. Hang in there, I think what you're feeling is very normal, especially with the first baby. It was a huge adjustment for me.

[SnuggleBuggles]

(hugs), Stacy. The first few months of a new baby are so hard, imo. When my ds was 3-4 months old Naomi Wolff's "Misconceptions" came out (and caused a major stir on "Oprah," which is where I heard about it). Some people call it negative and at times the book is but for me it really spoke to how I was feeling as a SAHM. If you are interested I would recommend the book b/c I helps to know you aren't alone in your feelings.

The 4 month mark was a big turning point for me though. Hopefully it will be good for you too! Hang in there!!!

Btw, I too have been really wanting to go to work but I have been home for 6 years (and really wasn't on a career I loved then anyway) and baby #2 is due in Nov.. I don't know if I will make it a full year at home with the new one before I hit the work force. We'll see when the time comes though!

Good luck!!! And know that others have felt the same way you do.

Beth

PS- it is totally your perogative to change and redefine what you want your ideal life to be. We are all works in progress. It's always good to be willing to change and do what makes us happy. Sometimes that path just takes a while to emerge.

[megs4413]

give it time...you'll find your groove

[wencit]

I could have written your post when my own DS was your son's age. In fact, I probably b!tched about the *exact same* things to my DH back then. I had a 6-month maternity leave, and while I loved being with my child, I felt very, very bored, unstimulated, and unfulfilled. I always thought that I was born to be a stay-at-home mom, and it made me feel strange and awful and completely out-of-sorts when it didn't live up to my expectations.

So I went back to work at the end of my 6-month maternity leave. Well, you know what? I hated that even more! Maybe it was a grass-is-always-greener thing, but I detested the thought of a stranger being home with my baby. The irony of it all is that we found an incredible nanny to take care of my son. She was a real-life Mary Poppins. But even knowing that DS would be in great hands, I still had this awful pit in the bottom of my stomach every time I thought about leaving him with her. So I decided to quit working after a mere 4 months back at work.

Well, I was determined to make my SAHM status work, so I joined a local mother's club, which has helped me tremendously. I don't feel as isolated or as alone anymore. The weekly playgroups are just as much a social outlet for me as they are for DS (maybe even more so). I do plenty of volunteer work with my mother's club, and I've met lots of other moms that way. I also make it a point to get out of the house as much as we can, every day if the weather permits (and to the mall if it doesn't). Finally, I think a big difference is now that DS is older, he can play with me, as well as play independently, which gives me an occasional sanity break. He's much more interactive and responsive, which makes staying home with him more enjoyable, I think. I no longer have to hold and carry him about 24/7, and he does more than cry, poop, and sleep. Oh yeah, that's another thing, sleep. Once he got onto a regular sleeping/napping schedule, my life became MUCH easier, because I could look forward to those 2 hour-long breaks every day. Anyways, the difference in my level of happiness between my maternity leave and now is like night and day. I absolutely LOVE being home with DS, and now I don't know if I ever want to go back to work!

This ended up way longer than I thought it would, but I just want to let you know that your feelings are completely normal, and I'd like to encourage you to give it more time. I wish someone had told me back then what I knew now, because I felt like such a failure as a mother and a wife. Hang in there, Stacy, you're doing a wonderful thing!

[TracyBee]

You've had quite a few replies from other SAHM, so I thought I'd reply to give you a perspective from a WOHM. Your son is still very new, so you may just need some time to get things figured out. In time, the right answer for you and your family will come to you. Either way, don't feel guilty for doing what feels right to you - be it staying home or working.

I can say for me personally, that working makes me a better Mom. I was home with DD on maternity leave for 5 weeks, and I was a mess. The house was a mess, I didn't get a shower everyday, and some days I never even got out of my pajamas. It was chaos for me. But, after I started back to work, things started falling into place again. I'm up everyday, I'm dressed, make up is on, house is clean, things are just more orderly with me having structure.

My point is that whatever you decide will end up being the right decision for your family. You've got to be in a position where you feel fulfilled and happy - being in that frame of mind will help you be the best Mom you can to your son - and that's what we all want, right?

[deborah_r]

I remember that phase. There was a time (somewhere between 6 weeks-3 months) where I remember talking to my sister and saying "this is so boring!" Because I had gotten over the hard things, so it didn't feel challenging, and it was just feed, change, play, nap, rinse, repeat. It gets more interesting. And way more challenging when they get mobile. Hang in there. i wouldn't make any big decisions right now about getting a job/using daycare *if you don't have to*.

[niccig]

Like the others, wait and see how you feel in a few months. DH came home one day when DS was a year old, and I told him I wanted to take 1 subject with university extension and start volunteering again at the museum. I was ready to do something for me and my future career. I never thought I would be a SAHM, but it works best for our family, and honestly there is no way I could cope with working and DS - I don't know how WAHM do it. With my 2 outlets I can cope better with the daily grind. I love being with DS, it's all the house/personal assistant stuff that I loathe.

In a few months, reassess how you feel and go from there.

[scoop22]

i didn't read the pp. but i want to say you are doing a good thing for you and your family.. you will find what you want. your family is lucky to have you.
http://b2.lilypie.com/XbITm4.png

[pb&j]

Big hugs. I WOTH, mostly by choice (though if I really had my druthers I'd work 3 days a week instead of 4). I am so glad I do. I enjoy every minute I spend with DS, because I *don't* spend every minute with him. It's tough work being a SAHM!


-Ry,
mom to Max the one year old
and my girl in heaven

http://www.windsorpeak.com/dc/user_files/37124.gif

[DebbieJ]

Your baby is only 2 months old. It will get better.

~ deb
DS born at home 12/03
Breastfeeding After Reduction is possible! www.bfar.org

http://www.bfar.org/members/fora/style_avatars/Ribbons/18months-bfar.jpg

[kijip]

I understand. WOH is my only option and it is not at all a financially motivated decision- we currently have the financial resources for each of us to not work anything approaching ft for the next few years until my husband is finished with school and I am still working mostly ft at a demanding/challenging leadership role and taking 1 class. I don't adore my job, but I like it and I like the line of work and it suits me. More specifically, working outside of the home suits me. I like the shoes, I like the adults, I like the quiet lunches, I like the challenges and the triumphs, I like the paychecks. Does parenting feel great? YES. But so does getting a letter in the mail that my organization is getting money because of my efforts or some similar accomplishment. Some mothers and kids are better off with that arrangement, for any number of reasons. I agree that your opinion may change as your son gets older but I hesitate to assure you that it necessarily will. The fact of the matter is that only you can decide in the end what is best for you and for Avery. It may take some experimenting as he gets older with WOH or volunteering or part-time WOH or whatnot to decide but whatever you decide will be a better decision than anything anyone else can determine. Also your opinion may be different once you have another child. Good luck! Do what feels best for you and your son and it will all work out.

[deenass]

You are REALLY new to this SAHM thing - and I can totally understand b/c I've been where you are. I was a stay at home wife for most of my 1st preganancy - I had left a job I hated and DH had some medical problems and I needed the flexibility of being at home. After DS #1 was born I went NUTS - even talked to my chiropractor about working as her receptionist 2 - 3 days a week (and considered leaving DS with my parents while I worked).

in the end, I ended up not taking the job - and I'm really glad I made that decision.

Little babies can be REALLY boring!!! And being around them can drain your brain big time. What helped me was finding other mom friends to hang out / chat with and my little baby growing up!

That's not to say that I don't still tear my hair out some days (or go stir crazy with my kids) but in the end, I don't have anyone's crap but my own family's to deal with - and I'll go back to work eventually.

Give yourself a few more months before you make a decision (since you can afford to do that).

[C99]

Once you get over that "what the hell am I doing?" feeling, newborns are boring.

I didn't figure out why they are boring until I had my second child and the first chattered at me and asked for things all day long: they are boring because that is all your brain can handle at the time.

The realities of motherhood are very different from the June Cleaver/parenting magazine print ads.

[eliasmom]

Amen to that. My vision of life with DD was a stark contrast to the reality. Don't get me wrong, I adore her and I think she may be the funniest person I have ever met. She is constantly learning and changing and I like having a front row seat to that show.

At the same time, I go to work 2 days/wk to a job that is sometimes very stimulating and sometimes quite boring. I like that I make some money even though DH is not very particular about my spending. DD has a nanny for the time I am at work and they adore each other. Her nanny teaches her Spanish and is a much more patient, gentle soul than myself so I think we all benefit from the status quo.

Even so, the way I feel about staying home versus working (even PT) changes every week. I have left my options totally open and I reserve the right to change my mind about this! Just do whatever feels right for you and try not to compare yourself with other moms. (This coming from someone who has noted that friends no one ever thought would pay attention to their future kids have turned out to be much more natural SAHMs than yours truly. ;) )

[StantonHyde]

So my dream was to keep going down the career road and just bop over a little speed bump and keep going up that management ladder. Everybody else I knew did it. Then DS arrived. WHAMMO! Big adjustment. Maternity leave was hard, I went back to work for 5 days the first week and by the second week put in to decrease my hours to 4 days a week for 2 mos. Did that and I still couldn't take all the pressure and be there for a baby that did not sleep and DH who has a job that does not allow him to be a backup.

So I quit and found at PT job that I could in my sleep. i had to turn down some AWESOME consulting jobs on the side and it just KILLED me. But I love the people and my boss. I love getting to pee by myself and drink coffee, that I don't have to change anybody's diapers, or get anybody juice. Financially, I don't have to work. My salary pays for top notch daycare and clothes--I only live 10 mins from work. But I figure it's a LOT cheaper than my therapy bills would be if I didn't work! :-)

After DD, I flirted with the idea of not working, but my boss said he would give me whatever I wanted! So I worked 2 days a week for a year and then back up to 3.

Bottom Line: Dreams change when you hit reality and that is ok. It is hard, you have to adjust to a change in your self image. But that's what "character building" is all about. (I highly encourage everyone around me to build their characters but I would really rather not have to build mine :-) )

Your baby is little. I am not a baby person. At 4 mos they smile and at 6-8 mos they are a blast. ITA with the PP--wait before you make a final decision.

[VClute]

I used to look down on women who chose to have children, then allow someone else to raise them. Now I try to *never* judge another mom whose doing the best she can for her family. I stayed at home for 18 months after DS was born. Then I got a (VERY) part-time gig, which was easy to do - I'm a nurse. I LOVED going to work. It was almost like a vacation!: Stimulating conversation, I got to SIT a lot more than at home (and I was working DAY shift!) and I could eat and pee relatively uninterrupted. I've left again now that DD is here. And since she's our second (and last) I've learned to treasure this newborn time. I'll go back to work (again - VERY part time!) in a year or so.

ANYway, grown-up time WITHOUT a child in tow is very important to some people. The money I earned at work was only icing on the cake to me. I just wanted to be ME again! The other thing you might try is a MOPS group - the nursery takes care of your child while you attend the meeting, so I found it to be much more of a real break than a playgroup where I'm STILL focused on my kid - just adjacent to other mothers.

Amy in NC
mom to Dixon, born 2/14/05
...and Abigail Rose, born 4/7/07

[kozachka]

Like pp give it some time, your son is so little, but don't feel bad if you end up going back to work. Remember happy mom means happy child/ren. And being a SAHW is not the same as being a SAHM, I've been both. There are simply so many more things you can't do when you have a kid while your DH is out there enjoying normal life. At least that's how I felt at the time.

Feel free to come back and vent here as much as you do but know that a ton of moms would love to be in your shoes ;).