My friend could have killed my toddler...what would you do?

[BargainMomforLuke]

My oldest friend was recently staying with us for a few days while she was waiting to close on her new house.

DH is not a fan of my friend (I'll call her Not So Dear Friend - NSDF). A short synopsis is that she is a pretty selfish person, doesn't pick up after herself, etc. when she is here, & talks about herself incessantly. The time before NSDF stayed with us she left cigarette butts on my back patio table & DS found a butt in one of my potted plants. My mom makes excuses for her since she's had very dysfunctional upbringing & the last 5 years of her life have been pretty bad with the suicide of her father & a horrible sociopathic ex husband.

Yesterday I was cleaning up the spare bedroom & I noticed two pills on the footboard of the bed. The pills were at eye level of 19-month old DS. The two pills I found were a Wellbutrin & a prescription antihistamine. After speaking to my anesthetist mom after this incident, she told me those doses would have killed Luke if he had taken them. However, she said it didn't happen, she's sure it was an accident & NSDF probably just placed them there before she was going to take them & forgot to take them. I also spoke to my SIL who is a great person & a wonderful psychologist. I wanted to get her 2 cents before I called NSDF & went on a rant. She basically reiterated what my mom said & said I should just mention it to her next time we speak, but don't get mad or NSDF will become defensive & it could put our friendship on the line.

NSDF is moving to the city where we live because she is starting her MD internship. Yes, she's a doctor. How the hell does a doctor act so irresponsibly?

She went out of town on Wednesday for a few weeks, so I won't see her for a while. I want to call her & tell her how irresponsible she is & let her know that she can no longer stay with us anymore. Mom & SIL don't think this is a wise idea. What would you do?

One thing is for certain, she will never, ever be left alone with DS ever again.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My 1st thought is that I probably would not be straightening up her room while she was still staying there. I see that as her room while she is there and thus wouldn't be too happy with someone coming in and cleaning up after me. She is a grown up and hopefully she would pick up before she left.

Was her door closed while the meds were out? Either way I would bring it up to her and tell her she needs to be more careful around a toddler- they are curious and act very quickly.

Oh, I just reread a bit better. So, the meds were left behind when she went on her trip? Then I can understand why you were in there picking up.

If you are looking to distance the friendship anyway then you can ask her to leave and let the pieces fall how they will.

I'm sorry this happened. It sounds like her head isn't all together- and that she hasn't been around toddlers that much. As parents we see things that probably a few years ago, before kids, we wouldn't have even thought of though.

Good luck!

Beth

[tarabenet]

First, I *think* I would let myself have a little more time before I chose a course of action. I *think* so. Hard to know without being exactly where you are.

Then I think I would probably have a serious discussion with NSDF to let her know what happened and how very concerned I was. I think that really going off on her would probably not help the situation or the friendship, so I'd like to think I'd avoid that. When we are ranted at, our first inclination is to go on the defensive, and when we go super-defense, we can't really hear and accept the problem being presented, much less agree to change behavior and mean it. I don't think you should sugar-coat it, since this is about a very real fear/concern for you. But I don't think that letting her feel the full force of the associated emotions will actually help get your point across. As nice as a little cathartic rant can be, your much higer priority here is getting a change in her behavior -- any related irresponsible behaviors that could endanger your child. That includes things like leaving non-childproof pill bottles in her purse, even, when she will be around you. Yes, you can and will and are teaching your child not to go into other people's spaces (rooms, belongings, etc.), but he is still too young to be fully clued in on that stuff.

Good luck with getting through to your friend, and good luck with gettting yourself past the anger and upset and back to yourself again!
It is no fun to live all tied up in knots (which is why, yes, I think you do need to address this stuff with NSDF, by the way!)

[buddyleebaby]

Honestly, it sounds like you don't really enjoy your friend's company to begin with.
I would probably just mention it the next time I spoke to her and say how scary it was for you, and that you know she is not used to being in a house with a toddler, but she has to be more cautious.
I wouldn't ban her from ever staying in my house.

BUT...

it sounds like you have other issues with her, and all those things added up may be why you feel the way you do. You may be reacting more harshly towards her than you would towards someone else.

I am currently dealing with a situation with my oldest friend. She is a very bitter and unhappy person, and I'm used to it. I have scaled down my contact with her, and I'm a little sad because I do care about her, but not nearly as sad as I thought I would be. It's actually sort of a relief. And those who know both of us wonder what took me so long.

[JoyNChrist]

I would say something to her about it, but I wouldn't go off on her. You have to realize that, as someone who doesn't have children, she probably didn't even think about the pills being left out. I know it's probably not something I would have thought about before DS.

[fortato]

Give her your mother's or sister's address, and she can stay with them.


That is incredibly irresponsible and I don't care if a friendship is on the line when my child's health is concerned.


RANT AWAY!

[BargainMomforLuke]

Thanks for all of your suggestions. Alicia, it sounds like we may have the same friend. Golly, I've been through a lot with her & I'm just exhausted when I'm around her & get no joy from the relationship & haven't so for many years. We became friends when we were 5 because our parents pushed us together. Honestly, we didn't like each other then but were pushed into being friends for several years before our friendship started to blossom.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm definitely going to let her stay at my mom's when she returns to town while she's finishing up her house.

It just really scared me so much & I know I shouldn't dwell on "what if" but he's my baby & my #1 priority is him & to keep him safe.

Thanks again. I'm going to have a talk with her when she returns to town & try to calmly, but sternly explain to her what happened & how so very uncomfortable it made me feel. I'll keep you posted.

Natalie

[MamaMolly]

I may be unpopular for saying this, but I wouldn't let her stay at my house anymore. Period, end of story,

It wasn't that she was left alone with your DS, it is that she left poision right exactly where your DS would get it. So she doesn't have kids, so what? She's not stupid, she's dangerously careless or worse.

And while others may see your guest room as the guest's space and your DS should stay out of it, but I really think a 19 month old sees it as his space in his house.

Now all that said, I don't think I'd rant. I think a calm, cool, simply stated eviction is all you need. Just let her know you found the medicine, where you found it, that it could have killed your DS, and you're sorry but she needs to find other accommodations.

Accept her apologies and tell her you're sorry, but she needs to find other accommodations.

Is she such a good friend that you're willing to bet DS's life on her word that she won't do it (or worse) again?

[BargainMomforLuke]

As DH said, it pretty much was like leaving a loaded gun on the footboard. Would that be acceptable?

For the record, she will not ever be staying with DS or ever left to supervise him alone. If she ever questions my choice, I will be honest wtih her.

I don't care if I was 16 & taking those meds -- I definitely would have known better than to do what she did.

Also, our guest bedroom also stores some of his toys because 99% of the time it's empty without guests. He frequents that room on a daily basis. She was already gone out of town when I found the medication.

[denna]

Hi Natalie,

Thankfully you found the medication and not your DS. I would probably have had the same reaction as you. I have a similar friendship, we've been friends since we were 11yo and have just grown in seperate ways. She is a partyer now and Im a mom. And I can see her doing something just as reckless if she were staying with me.

I think its a great idea to have her stay with your mom, and I would like pp's said tell her concerns and try to do it calmly just so you can insure she listens and will change her behavior. There is no excuse for what she did. And endangering your child is a deal breaker.

Best of luck with this disscussion. Im so glad your DS is okay!

(hugs)

[Kungjo]

As previous pps have said, I don't think that your friend even realized what she did. I know that I wasn't as saftey conscious before I had kids either. I guess when you become a mom, your perspective changes a whole lot and your eyes are opened to the hazards in your environment because you're trying to protect your baby.

I think that your friend left the pills out and just forgot to take them. I would mention it to her next chance you get and try to stress to her the importance of not doing it again because it is very dangerous for your DS. If you feel that she can't be mindful of your warnings, then either be super-vigilant when she's staying with you or tell her that she needs to find another place to stay.

Good luck.

[mommy111]

I agree with some of the PPs who said that your friend prob just didn't even realize what she did, it would completely be off my radar before I had kids. Some people are just that way. If I ever decided to have her stay again at my place, I'd tell her, flat out, no emotion or anger, that I found her pills and to be careful because kids put things in their mouths. I don't think this is necessarily a reason to break up a friendship since I am sure she didn't mean any harm.
However, if you're sick of her for other reasons and don't want to continue the friendship, don't....friendship is a voluntary organization and if she's stressing you out or you've just moved on, no need to continue a friendship that doesn't give you any satisfaction any more. Its difficult enough having a family without having juvenile friends.
Having said that, however, I'm going to sound like your mom, but consider what she's been through...she seems plenty stressed, (and depressed, judging by her meds). A true friend is your friend through the good and bad patches; and I believe in karmaic justice; if you stick with friends through their bads, you'll have friends to stick with you through your bad times.
OK, don't mean to preach. Glad your little one is safe, and you're prob right, good idea to have her stay with mom the next time :)

[melissaflorida]

Both Dh and I said she would be banned from staying at our house ever again too.

We have similar situations with family and bottom line is our child's well being and safety goes beyond hurting someone's feelings.


~Melissa
Mommy to dd Spencer (3 years old)

[KBecks]

First, I'd thank God and my lucky stars that my baby didn't find the pills.

Second, I'd fume by myself for a while and give DC lots of hugs.

Third, I'd call the friend and explain the issue, toxic pills left out within reach of toddler = not cool.

Fourth, I'd let the friend apologize. (And if the apology doesn't come, I'd jump to the last step.)

Fifth, I'd realize that this is probably not going to happen again. If said friend stayed at my house again, I would be sure to check her room immediately upon departure, and I'd ask her to keep the door to her room shut while visiting.

Lastly, I'd evaluate whether I wanted to move away from this friend for the other reasons you posted. It sounds like you're not terribly close. I would let mom know that your decision whether to keep the friend into adulthood is your call, not hers.

HTH.

[randomkid]

IMO, it's worse than a loaded gun! Your DS could easily have picked up those pills and swallowed them before you knew it, but would have a much more difficult time with a gun.

I know others have said that maybe she just wasn't aware since she doesn't have kids. Doesn't matter, she's a healthcare professional, an MD no less, so she should be even more aware than the average citizen. I admit there are things I didn't think of before DD was born, but medication was never one of them. Almost everyone knows how dangerous medicine can be to a child, even something seemingly harmless like an adult Tylenol or Ibuprofen.

I'd let her know how concerned I was with no hesitation. Besides, as PPs have said (and you as well), it sounds as though there are other issues you have with her. Doesn't sound like her "friendship" is worth the risk. BTW, a doctor who smokes?

[floobear]

2)


>& talks about herself incessantly. The time before NSDF
>stayed with us she left cigarette butts on my back patio table
>& DS found a butt in one of my potted plants. My mom makes
>excuses for her since she's had very dysfunctional upbringing
>& the last 5 years of her life have been pretty bad with the
>suicide of her father & a horrible sociopathic ex husband.
>
>Yesterday I was cleaning up the spare bedroom & I noticed two
>pills on the footboard of the bed. The pills were at eye
>level of 19-month old DS. The two pills I found were a
>Wellbutrin & a prescription antihistamine. After speaking to

I must ask you two different questions:

1) Are you sure the pills were hers? Wellbutrin, as you mother may have told you, is an anti-depressant but is also marketed as Zyban, which is a smoking cessation drug. Both are made and marketed by GSK.

2) How do pills get ON the footboard? I mean, isn't that a narrow piece of wood around 2" thick? Could she have meant to leave it there for you or your son to find?? This is a terrible thought I know, but your friend is already on anti-depressants and has already experienced some weird sh*t with other males in her life.

I wouldn't let her stay anymore. Rather, I couldn't.

[gatorsmom]

The first thing I thought after reading this is- who is this "MD" so that I can stay the hell away from her? Promise to at least tell me if she moves to Minnesota. It's hard enought finding a decent doctor, kwim?

I agree with the PPs who would not let her stay in the house again or be alone with DS. If your mom is sympathetic to her situation, let NSDF stay with your mom. If your friend is at all rational, she'll understand your serious fright from this situation and will respect your decision. But, in the end, I agree again with those PPs who said your DS's well-being is more important than the feelings of a NSDF.

Good luck.


Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[BargainMomforLuke]

To answer the questions, I'm 100% sure without a doubt that the pills were hers. I found them the day after she left. I'm also 100% sure I identified them correctly. My mom also mention that NSDF might have been using the Wellbutrin to stop smoking. However, when I was quizzing NSDF about her choice to take up smoking again, she stressed that it was only for the short term & she was going to stop cold turkey on June 18 when she starts her rotations. I know several months ago she was on antidepressants, so I just assumed she was continuing with those.

How did the pills get on the footboard. Strange, huh? If I were going to take some pills (without a child around, nonetheless), I would have put them on the bedside table, on the bathroom counter, or on the kitchen counter. Very strange that they were on a 3" wide piece of wood at DS' eye level. Do I think she put them there deliberately, god, I would hope not? I just don't know why there were there. I know she wishes & dreams that she had my wonderful life. She's mentioned it to me & lots of other people. I know she's always been jealous of my uncomplicated life. I just hope she didn't deliberately do it. Did it cross my mind -- yes, I won't deny it.

As I mentioned, I'm staying firm with my decision to not let her stay here & to be left unsupervised with DS.

Thanks for all of your support, as this incident has been something that I just can't put behind me & move on from.

I'm sure she has no plans of ever moving to Minnesota, but if she does, I will warn you. She's going to be at St. Vincent's in Jacksonville, FL, so steer clear of there if you are ever in the area.

[bunnisa]

Is she consistently irresponsible? Or is this a one-time occurance? If things like this haven't happened before, I'd just talk with her and ask her to be careful and always keep her meds far out of reach.

Now, my MIL leaves prescription drugs around her house, along with dangling cords attached to irons and other hazards, so the children will never go over there unattended (and actually we avoid their house in general) and I'm not about to leave MIL alone with the DC anywhere. But she's consistently irresponsible so that factors into the decision.

I agree with the PPs that it seems like there are other factors at stake here, and this might just have been the figurative straw that broke the camel's back. My thoughts? Be kind, be loving, but life is too short to invest in relationships that are emotionally destructive. Family, we're stuck with. Friends are chosen.

...blessed wife and mama to two & one due this summer!

"And children are always a good thing, devoutly to be wished for and fiercely to be fought for."
-Justin Torres

[cric]

I would talk with her about it for sure. I need to have this same conversation with my MIL since I found one of her pills on our couch in the family room. It really upsets me too.

[BargainMomforLuke]

Sorry for bringing this back up again. GRRRRRRR...

So I spoke to NSDF yesterday when we returned from vacation & she returned from being out of town. I wanted to speak to her face-to-face rather than over the phone.

I calmly but firmly told her about the incident & how much it scared the crap out of me & how she really, Really, REALLY needs to be more careful.

She gives me a very brief apology (those I didn't see any remorse in her eyes) & says, "It's not like I did it on purpose" & then goes on to ream me out for not calling her after she graduated from med school. You know I thought about calling her the day she graduated, but I knew she had a dinner & several parties to attend, so I didn't want to bug her & then it just slipped my mind. I'm not keeping trying to keep score, but she didn't call me or ever acknowledge that I finished my Master's degree a few years ago.

I seriously wish this friendship was over & she wasn't moving her.

Thanks for listening, it truly makes me feel better.

Natalie

[Bean606]

It reminds me of a conversation I have had numerous times with people - it is so much harder to "break up" with a casual friend than it is to do so with a boyfriend/girlfriend, isn't it? There just isn't any easy way to say "I just don't like you anymore." Good luck.

[gatorsmom]

Why is it that some people are so fragile that they cannot accept responsibility for their actions or take their rightful blame? Why, why????

By switching the conversation to "why didn't you call me on g day?" your friend has effectively manipulated the conversation to make YOU look like the bad person, not her. This was just a weak tactic to duck out of taking responsibility for a serious mistake. I can guarantee you that the day she graduated she didn't give a hoot that you didn't call (nothing personal). She is just conveniently bringing that up now.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[janeybwild]

ITA. That is weak on her part. What was the reason again that you are maintaining this friendship?