I'm scared. Is this depression?

[ShanaMama]

Something is wrong with me & I can't seem to snap out of it. For the last couple of weeks I have been extremely moody. Every so often (about once a day) a black cloud just descends (sp?) over me & literally overtakes me. No matter how hard I try to fight it I just can't snap out of it.
When I'm in this mood I alternate between feeling horribly sad & horribly angry. Either I feel like crawling under the blanket to cry & can barely hold myself back from bursting into tears in public, or I am impossibly obnoxious, snappy & sarcastic. I take it all out on DH. I just can't believe the insensitivity he showed by doing x & I literally lash out at him. Not shouting, but in a quiet hurtful way.
As I'm doing this I'm hating myself because I know he is trying his best & the poor guy is walking on eggshells. Nothing he says or does is right- he's just at the whim of this psycho witch. At the same time, I wish he'd show a little more affection (he does show plenty) & tell me how much he loves me. While I'm ranting & raving at him.Or as soon as I'm done.
I described the way I'm feeling to DH like this: It's like you're in a deep dark pit, so deep you can't even see the light. The walls are steep so you can't even try to climb out. You just lay there on the bottom wishing you could disappear. Whenever you aren't in the pit, you are walking along the path & the rest of the world is enjoying the sunshine. But you are always watching out for the shadows & looking at your feet, because you know the pit is very close. You are constantly fighting to stay above ground, because once you start sliding down it's practically impossible to catch your balance & get over the sheer walls. All your energy is used up just trying to stay out of the pit & worrying about falling back in.

I can't seem to get back in control, nor do I want to when I'm feeling so horrible. I just want to disappear- run away from all my responsibility & stop being so practical. I haven't done anything to hurt DD & luckily she's too young to notice Mommy's moods. I just try my best to sugarcoat my depressed voice & talk nicely to her. But I have very little patience for her & no more reserves of energy or strength do draw from.
I've been seeing a therapist for almost a year for other issues. I was doing very well & this came up since my last appt. She's on vacation now, but I'm going to try to move up my next appt to see her as soon as she gets back. I am terrified to talk about this because I am scared that it's something worse than depression. Mental illness runs in my family & I keep imagining all these horrible diagnoses. I've felt this way before, but to a much lesser degree & it always resolved more quickly.
None of my friends or family picked up on anything yet, because I either talk to them when I'm in an ok mood or avoid their calls. Or I just fake it to the best of my ability. I'm going to work tomorrow, although I have no interest. DH rightly thinks I'll feel worse at home. At work I just fake my way through the day & cry on the way home. I wish I could go to Florida on the way home, and just stay there for a good long while.
I've never felt this horrible- even thru all my moodiness while pregnant or on BCP. I know I need help & I can't manage anymore. I hate being this way & feel guilty all the time. I keep wanting to do research on the symptoms of depression, but I'm honestly scared of what I'll find.
Although I'm crying, it has been very cathartic typing this. I think I'll print it out & take it to my therapist. Typing to an audience of supportive anonymous people is somehow much easier than talking it out. So thank you for that.

[bisous]

I'm glad you found your way here, where I have found tremendous support. When I read your message, I just keep thinking that it sounds like depression. Depression by itself is pretty overwhelming and difficult. There is no need to feel like it is anything worse than that or to worry any more on that account. I'm confident that you will find a suitable solution and someday this post will be all that remains of these sad feelings of despair. That is the really weird thing about depression is that when you AREN'T feeling it everything is crystal clear and in the midst, everything, absolutely everything feels so much more overwhelming. I know because I speak from recent experience.

Hugs to you. You can make it through the next little while. Don't think too much beyond the immediate. I'm confident that you will be able to work out a gameplan that will help move you from where you are now to where you would like to be. Just be gentle to yourself and realize that it will most certainly get better.

[alexsmommy]

I'm very glad you have a therapist in place. This sounds like a very classic description of depression (including the anger and irritability). Please call your therapist asap and see who her back up is. Sometimes an emergency session even with someone you don't have a relationship with can help get you through until your therapist is back. There is nothing wrong with a course of anti-depressants in addition to your talk therapy to help you through the hump. I tell mothers all of the time, "You'd take medication for a physical problem that was interfering with your mothering and ability to be a good wife. It's the same thing for an emotional problem." Please take care of yourself so you can be the wonderful Mama you want to be.
Alaina
Alex Feb '03
and #2 in early summer '07

[jadamom]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. You're right to seek help. If you're unable to reach your therapist or someone who's covering for her, you could try seeing your internist or OB. Depression is very common, and often treated by primary care docs. They could also refer you to a psychiatrist, if it were needed. Hope you're feeling better soon.

[tarabenet]

I'm so sorry you are scared. You don't need to be! It does sound like depression, and there are plenty of angles you can use to get it back under control. Avoiding it, pretending it isn't there is MUCH tougher than getting help.

You absolutely do not need to feel the way you do. You absolutely do not deserve it, either. Ask for help. Demand help. Don't settle for "feeling a little better" but keep on moving all the way back to feeling good again.

The only shame in mental illness of any form is in refusal to recognize it and get treatment! You're already waaaaaaay beyond that hurdle!

I would be happy and honored to be one of the "buddies" who is there for you through this. Please feel free to PM or e-mail me (same username at yahoo dot com). I have been where you are, and I know how easy it is to get out of it. Even though it looks impossible to you right now, it is almost as easy as flipping a switch. You just have to find that switch for yourself. No one can do it for you but we can be here to keep you company. You don't need to sit in the dark, but while you are there, remember even at the worst times, you are NOT alone.

Come on! Let's go find that light switch!

[ShanaMama]

'You can make it through the next little while. Don't think too much beyond the immediate.'
I think this is my game plan. Just get thru each day & then deal with the next one. I have a tendency to get overwhelmed by wondering how I'm going to handle the next x years of stress. When I break it down into bits, it's much less overwhelming.

[ShanaMama]

>'There is nothing wrong with a course of anti-depressants in addition to your talk therapy to help you through the hump. '

The crazy part is that I am extremely supportive of other people (including close relatives) using therapy & meds as tools. But when it comes to myself... I have a different standard, which is pretty unreasonable when I really think about it.

>>I tell mothers all of the time, "You'd take medication for a physical problem that was interfering with your mothering and ability to be a good wife. It's the same thing for an emotional problem." Please take care of yourself so you can be the wonderful Mama you want to be.

This is an excellent point. I will definitely keep it in mind during difficult days.
Thanks for your support.

[ShanaMama]

Thank you for your kind words. If I can't see my therapist soon I might just do that.

[ShanaMama]

Benet, thank you for your kind words & support. I am touched by your response, as well as the others.

I am still trying to figure out exactly what's going on, but I did some online research & found that I'm definitely not bipolar or manic depressive, as I was afraid, LOL.
I'm glad I put it all out here, not just because I have an incredible support group, but also because I'll just show this thread to my therapist. I pay privately for the therapy so I try to maximize my time there. I'd feel like I was wasting my time talking about them if these were just bad moods, but I realize it's definitely more than that.
I do have a good day every once in a while & on those days I start to doubt myself. I try to minimize the depression & say that it just takes time to get over it, I'm just going through some difficulty, etc. Then I start to doubt my sanity. It's ok for anyone else to go through mental illness & I'll support them through treatment. But me? I am the capable one, the practical one, the one that spins the world on it's axis. How can this be happening to me? I'm finding that I get more ok with it the more I talk about it, but I'm way too self-conscious to talk to any of my friends IRL. So I suspect you'll be hearing from me a lot.

[ShanaMama]

I'm not sure if it's better during the week & worse on weekends or what, but I'm doing much better since Sunday. Overall, I am just feeling less depressed & more in control.
One great thing that I finally worked out is cutting my work hours. I finalized my new schedule with my boss today: as of June 11 I'll be working 9:30-2:30 M-TH. No more Fridays at all & no more crazy long days!! Hooray! One more horrible work week to get thru & then everything will change.
I am also trying to work out cleaning help 2x a week. I just need to stop taking everything on my plate & starting to outsource whatever I can. I may not be the ultimate accomplished juggler but at least I'll be a calm & happy mother. Much more important.
And I went for a massage tonight. FABULOUS! Interestingly, the lady said the same thing my therapist told me: you need to learn how to relax & let go. I'm trying! That's why I'm here getting a massage!

So thanks everyone for listening & responding. I hope it's ok if I keep posting small updates- I'm sure I'll continue to have ups and downs. I look at all of you & my own personal cheerleading squad, lol. I haven't even seen my therapist yet but I'm still gonna tell her about the depression. I think it's important that I address it because I know it's not gone, just temporarily lifted. Thanks again.

[bisous]

I'm so glad that you are feeling better. It sounds like things are looking up for you. I know that I personally always feel a little bit better after I have some sort of "game plan" in place to deal with the way that I feel. Then I have something to look forward to. I hope everything continues to feel bright!

[megs4413]

just hugs