MUST VENT OR WILL EXPLODE

[bisous]

Sorry for the drama. I'm just super frustrated right now. It is nearly 1:00 a.m. and I can't sleep. I've been exhausted all day and almost fell asleep at lunchtime, while eating--but I CAN'T SLEEP NOW! Half of it is pregnancy hormones, I'm sure. (I'm 32 weeks along) but the other half is worry. I'm worried about money and about space and about my future.

I hate where I live. My apartment, while small, is not so terribly bad. But I sure would love to have the situation that I had with DS1 where during the next couple of months I could be setting up a nursery. Instead, no such possibility. I can't even figure out a place to put a sleeping newborn in a bassinet our place is so small. :(

I really, really hate the city that I live in. DH thinks I am just the biggest sour puss in the whole world. He loves where we live. I really don't feel safe. I'm starting to think I'm crazy. One Saturday, DH had the car and I needed to go to a store that was literally down the street. I nearly stayed home all day because walking around is such a negative experience but figured that I needed to fight my agoraphobia and took DS in the stroller to the store. On the way there, I passed a man staring into space that was hiding in the bushes. I didn't even notice him, DS did. It was so freakin' scary. I feel like I live in jail. Tiny apartment, can't go any where to feel safe. Can't sleep. Hungry, but everything I want to eat is bad for me. BAD NIGHT.

I don't even feel better yet.

Sorry for the rant,

Jen

[denna]

Dont apologize for the rant Jen, thats what this forum is here for. Im sorry you are so exhausted but unable to sleep. I have a hard time fallng asleep with so much on my mind too. Sometimes just counting backwards from 100 works if I keep my mind focused on relaxing and not get distracted by the other stress in my life.

I wish I could offer advice on your living situation or the city you currently live in but I dont know what to say. I wish your DH would listen to you if you really feel that unsafe you shouldnt have to live there...

((Hugs))

[MamaMolly]

When I feel like this, I don't try to sleep. Instead I just tell myself to rest. I don't know why, but it helps me to relax more than worrying about not sleeping.

I totally get not the frustration that comes with not setting up a crib or bassinet. I really believe it is your body telling you it is time to feather your nest in preparation for the little one, and not being able to do it is very, very stressful. You will probably want that bassinette right next to you for the first few days, so maybe it can go beside your bed?

I would also suggest finding some local moms to hand out with. It might help with your sense of isolation. Someone to walk to the store with. I found my mommy group through meetup.com. (If it isn't alowed to say that and gets erased, then email or pm me and I'll send you the website :-) ) They have regional groups of different interests.

It really stinks to feel all alone in a city you don't really like. Hope you find a walking buddy soon!

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

[newnana]

Please, vent away!! You have every right to be frustrated over this situation. I agree, just rest. When I get like this I think back to years ago when I did yoga. I lay in corpse pose (modified for pregnancy for you, just lay on your left side comfortably) and hear my instructor's voice saying "Clear your mind of all your thoughts. If one slips into your mind, acknowledge it and gently push it away." Then do the relaxation of each muscle starting from to top of your head and ending with the tips of your toes. It sounds kind of cheesy, but it works for me. Sometimes I get stuck on what the instructor was saying part, but that also helps to repeat in my head until I'm finally asleep.

Good luck!
Michelle

[DrSally]

Jen, sorry to hear you're feeling so badly. Hope this morning is better. Do you think you have true agorophobia? Is there anyone you can buddy up with to go for walks that would make you feel safer to have someone with you? I think fresh air and exercise might help lift your mood. I know what it's like to not like the place your living in.

[bisous]

Thank you for replying. I've talked to DH and he kinda' feels the same way about the neighborhood. The thing is--the situation is totally temporary. If we leave our apartment now we forfeit our deposit which was quite substantial. If we sit tight for three more months, we're golden. Plus we don't really know where DH is going for work. I do feel safe in my apartment and in my car and it is only on foot that I'm really freaked out. Its just hard because I moved from a great neighborhood that is really, really safe and pretty.

You might relate to this but I got excited to move here because it is "the city" and I've lived in cities before--in Europe! I lived in Cannes and Nice and had just the best time. The cities in the US (or at very least California) are so different. Few people walk anywhere and public transportation is just not the same. I know it was probably naive but I always felt very safe in the cities of Europe. People around me of all walks of life would conduct their lives in the marketplaces and in the streets and it was really fantastic.

I've just decided to make the best of the situation for the next three months. It helped that I had a really long talk with DH where I pretty much did explode into tears and then sleep came really easy last night.

Thanks again for your kind words!

Jen

[bisous]

I think you are exactly right about what is going on with me. I do have this tremendous urge to "feather" and I have to suppress it. I have a great game plan now, based on my conversation with DH and also on my post in the lounge. Last night I was actually able to just lay down and go to sleep. For some reason it makes a difference to just have a plan or some way to move forward.

Some people have actually reached out to me but I haven't done much on my side here. I think I just have a really bad attitude. I'm going to call a couple of the moms that I've met to see if they would like to go walkiing at a park in the nicer part of town or something. I know there are options but I've just been avoiding them. I feel so much better about things right now.

Thank you,

Jen

[bisous]

I'm definitely going to have to try that strategy. It sounds like it just might work. If I can concentrate hard enough on something else, I know that my exhausted body will do the rest. :)

Thank you,

Jen

[bisous]

Thank you for your reply. I don't think I have agoraphobia because I usually need to get out at least once a day or I truly go crazy--usually I drive somewhere but this particular time I had no access to a car because ours was in the shop. When I lived in a different neighborhood and city I would walk everywhere. That's actually how I lost all my baby weight last time around. I'm going to try to meet up with some of the moms that I've encountered here. They've actually extended some welcoming gestures to me that because of school I've had to reject. I think it is definitely time to try to start feeding those relationships. The living situation is definitely temporary and sometimes that actually makes it harder for me. When I can see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes I get really impatient instead of just enjoying the tunnel, you know?

I think I needed an attitude adjustment and I think being able to sleep last night gave a LOT of perspective.

Thank you for post!

Jen

[DrSally]

That's good. Sound like it's just weird for you to go out walking in your neighborhood. I understand that. There are places in Europe (and the U.S.) where it feels so natural to walk to everything, and it's nice to feel a part of what's going on around you. I've never been to LA, but I've heard it's not the best walking city. I could totally see how that would be a big adjustment. Also, I totally know how it feels to wonder if it's worth the effort to build relationships if you're not going to be somewhere long. Even if you just find some people to hang with, they don't have to be your best friends and know everything about you. I've found this helpful in that it's just nice to have familiar faces around. Good luck!

[denna]

I completey understand what you mean Jen. Im from California actually and had no clue how to really use public transportation and had never been in a cab or on a subway until coming to Europe. I agree that Europe streets are much safer and I am going to miss how calm life is here.

Im glad you only have a few more months, and keeping with your lease so you get your $$$ back is a good idea. I hope you guys get to move to a much safer location.

Good luch with finishing up school to you and your dh. :)

[buddyleebaby]

((hugs)).

[buddyleebaby]

((hugs)).