On the cusp of starting a family feud- what would you do?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I have never really liked my sister's husband. He has been part of the picture for just about my whole life (sis is older and her dh was her friend for many years first) and we have always been like oil and water. I tolerate him. He routinely drives everyone crazy b/c he is just out of touch with reality. He lives in his own little world. Things had been getting better as we have both been trying to get along. I have been trying to find the good in him and he has been being more considerate/ not as difficult.

My sister got her tubes tied (well, Essure? really) and they do not have any children. With the exception of ds he has not spent much time with kids and he hasn't really spent a ton of time with ds.

Well, yesterday we spent a lot of time together b/c we had family in from out of town. First we all went out to high tea (my almost 5yo included) then to his house for pizza. Dh and I left ds there under the care of grandma, grandma, my sister... and went to a baseball game.

When we left there house ds was checking everything out as they have lots of cool stuff and my BIL was chasing after him telling him "no" to everything. Without good reason. He just has the mentality of a 3yo, I swear, and never learned how to share. But, honestly it didn't seem like ds was doing anything terrible. He would listen to the no and move on. Sounds ok, right? At least I think so.

I talked to my sister today and she said (in utter frustration and while very upset) that BIL called my ds the most "ill behaved child he has ever met." What???? She said that he was saying that there must be something wrong with ds b/c kids just should not behave that way. Evidently one of his coworkers occasionally brings in his kid ds' age to the office and *he* doesn't act like ds. So, basically he is making his claim on my ds based on one other kid. A kid that was probably lectured to be on good behavior at the office. A kid that wasn't in his aunt's house (we go there plenty when BIL isn't home) with his family. A kid that wasn't there at 9pm! I think all these things matter but he doesn't get that. he just doesn't get kids.

Evidentially he said the same thing about his other nephew who doesn't live near us and is much older.

BIL's parents have led him to believe that he never misbehaved (though his dad denies saying that!). So, he just is warped on his expectations of kids.

I feel like a person who feels like that about my child shouldn't be allowed to be around my ds. For example, ds' b-day party is coming up. Why should I invite him?

My sister says I should so he could see the other 3 kids that will be there in action and realize ds is normal! But, I don't feel that way.

My momma bear protective instinct is out in full. I am mad. I want to protect ds. Not sure if pregnancy hormones are causing me to overreact.

If you made it this far what do you think?? My sister fully supports not including her dh in things because of this and my mom understands but I just don't know.

Beth

ETA- BIL was at high tea with us and ds was really great. It was a fancy restaurant. He sat in his seat quietly, tried everything, participated in conversations... so, for the life of me I have no idea what he could possibly expect from a 4yo. I think all kids have good and bad moments and from my observation I have certainly seen ds on worse behavior. :)

[maestramommy]

I totally understand that you are angry, and that your BIL is probably clueless. But I would consider inviting him to your ds's birthday party just so he can see how kids really are. After going to high tea with you though, I don't know why he would turn around and think your ds is misbehaved.

It could also be that if your BIL was super agitated (chasing him around saying "no" to everything) your ds would pick up on the tension, or get frustrated at not being able to touch anything that looks enticing. That would set off even the best of kids, don't you think?

[stella]

Your sister was wrong in telling you that.
What exactly did she hope to accomplish by sharing that sort of observation with you? She is actually more to blame than your BIL, in my opinion.
I personally wouldn't care what he thinks and would just not invite either of them anywhere for a while. Your ds doesn't deserve that sort of scrutiny and criticism.
I alos think you're trying too hard to justify why he feels that way - between his parents, his lack of knowledge about 4yo boys, his acquaintance with one well-behaved child...the fact is that he made ugly remarks about your baby - and your sister repeated them to you. Honestly, I would blow them both off for a while. They don't deserve any of his birthday cake.

[JustMe]

Geesh! Your ds' behavior sounds amazingly wonderful under the circumstances.

I agree it would have been better if your sister just didnt tell you this, but maybe you just have the kind of relationships where you dont have secrets?

In any case, if she is fine with you not inviting him, seems fine not to...or seems like a given that he wouldnt want to go to a kid's birthday party, so maybe you can officially invite and your sister can encourage/let him know that it is fine if he has something he'd rather do that day?

Again, geesh! He should meet my little "angel".

Robyn

[SnuggleBuggles]

I agree it would have been better if your sister just didnt tell you this, but maybe you just have the kind of relationships where you dont have secrets?

Yeah, that. :) We routinely call each other to complain about the ridiculous things our dh's say or do. We call it the "husband complaint line." It's not something I think she would have thought she needed to not say. She did marry him so they both do share a similar level of social grace.

Good point made that she should have kept it to herself though. That would have been nice! I was already mad about the way he was treating ds when I left. I probably didn't need anything more to be feeling like not including him anymore in ds related activities.

Beth

[Jenn98]

Ugh, your BIL sounds like a real winner. I don't have any BTDT because both my crazy brothers live out of town and DH's bro is very nice. (((hugs)))

[Jenn98]

Ugh, your BIL sounds like a real winner. I don't have any BTDT because both my crazy brothers live out of town and DH's bro is very nice. (((hugs)))

[dawell0]

Nothing to add but hugs. My DH's family can be pains as well...

[dawell0]

Nothing to add but hugs. My DH's family can be pains as well...

[gatorsmom]

Yuck. It sounds to me as if your BIL has issues. Frankly, It sounds like he has personal issues that have nothing to do with your son. He just decided to pick on your son that day to complain about. I'd say your DS is well-behaved - heck, if he can make it through high tea without breaking anything, I'd say he passed the "good kid" test. If this is all BIL's problems talking, then he would judge the baby Jesus ill-behaved. Doesn't matter how good he was.

I'd not invite your BIL to anything where your son will be. You've said your sister and mom don't care so there aren't any issues there. But YOU don't need that kind of negativity or stress. And you know if he comes that you will be anxious- even if it's just a little bit. Who needs that in their life?

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[gatorsmom]

Yuck. It sounds to me as if your BIL has issues. Frankly, It sounds like he has personal issues that have nothing to do with your son. He just decided to pick on your son that day to complain about. I'd say your DS is well-behaved - heck, if he can make it through high tea without breaking anything, I'd say he passed the "good kid" test. If this is all BIL's problems talking, then he would judge the baby Jesus ill-behaved. Doesn't matter how good he was.

I'd not invite your BIL to anything where your son will be. You've said your sister and mom don't care so there aren't any issues there. But YOU don't need that kind of negativity or stress. And you know if he comes that you will be anxious- even if it's just a little bit. Who needs that in their life?

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[casey0729]

I agree with Lisa, your BIL has his own unresolved issues that really have nothing to do with your DS. Also, many people without children tend to get "stressed" when children don't behave in the way they think they should because they often don't understand that DCs get tired, or are curious or don't have the same understanding of how to act in situations. I think that if your DS behaved so well at tea and sat quietly he expected that it would just continue all day like that. I don't know many adults that would be able to do that, let alone a DC.

I don't know what to tell you about the party. I think that perhaps he needs to see all the kids in action.

Good luck!


KC

http://b2.lilypie.com/AWLtm5.png

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[casey0729]

I agree with Lisa, your BIL has his own unresolved issues that really have nothing to do with your DS. Also, many people without children tend to get "stressed" when children don't behave in the way they think they should because they often don't understand that DCs get tired, or are curious or don't have the same understanding of how to act in situations. I think that if your DS behaved so well at tea and sat quietly he expected that it would just continue all day like that. I don't know many adults that would be able to do that, let alone a DC.

I don't know what to tell you about the party. I think that perhaps he needs to see all the kids in action.

Good luck!


KC

http://b2.lilypie.com/AWLtm5.png

http://tickers.baby-gaga.com/p/dev197prs__.png

[mommy111]

Oh, just invite him. Do it! Best case he'll see what a gem DS is. Worst case, BIL will have a bad attitude and will suffer (which, I may point out, he will bring upon himself by his bad attitude, so karmaic :) ). He deserves it, if he has bad attitude. YOu control the situation, so DS will have a good time regardless. He may even enjoy making BIL suffer at his birthday like BIL made him suffer at his house :)

ETA: That wasn't me. My evil twin wrote that post.

[mommy111]

Oh, just invite him. Do it! Best case he'll see what a gem DS is. Worst case, BIL will have a bad attitude and will suffer (which, I may point out, he will bring upon himself by his bad attitude, so karmaic :) ). He deserves it, if he has bad attitude. YOu control the situation, so DS will have a good time regardless. He may even enjoy making BIL suffer at his birthday like BIL made him suffer at his house :)

ETA: That wasn't me. My evil twin wrote that post.

[SnuggleBuggles]

:D

I have a few weeks to decide and I can see merits to both courses of action. Decisions, decisions. :)

Thank you everyone so much!!!!!

Beth

[SnuggleBuggles]

:D

I have a few weeks to decide and I can see merits to both courses of action. Decisions, decisions. :)

Thank you everyone so much!!!!!

Beth

[bubbaray]

Have your DS's party at a place like Crash Crawley's or Go Bananas or whatever party/play center near you is the most insane place for kids. Pray for rain (I find play centers are most insane on rainy days). Put your BIL in charge of the kids while you organize the lunch/snack/cake.

Bwahahahahaha ;)

FWIW, your DS sounds like any normal 4yo to me.


Melissa

DD#1: 04/2004

DD#2: 01/2007