why can't he get it together?

[megs4413]

i love my BIL to pieces, but he just can't get it together. he's in college and has no idea what he's gonna do next year. if he doesn't get enrolled somewhere he'll lose his health insurance....and he just doesn't seem to feel the urgency. he's 20yo and still doesnt' have a license! i wish he would grow up a little! i'm worried about him!

[megs4413]

i love my BIL to pieces, but he just can't get it together. he's in college and has no idea what he's gonna do next year. if he doesn't get enrolled somewhere he'll lose his health insurance....and he just doesn't seem to feel the urgency. he's 20yo and still doesnt' have a license! i wish he would grow up a little! i'm worried about him!

[kijip]

I had a similar issue with my brother. It is *really* frustrating to watch that funky period that a lot of people have around age 20. He was very "together" until about age 20 and then BOOM, he became very, um, not together. Did not go to school, stop working regularly, partied a lot, loafed around. You know what? He took a few knocks and landed on his feet. Got married to a guy he loves at age 22 and they are expecting a child next week :). My brother's husband is a well paid professional and my brother will be staying home with their daughter as a full time SAHD. He did not do what I wanted for him and go to college but once he found his own way, he was ok. I see a lot of early 20 somethings sort of drift. But they almost always find their way when their time has come to move past the funk. Consider that many people would have considered my choosing to marry and parent in my early 20s to be a total folly. But it was my path/my choice and it has worked out *really* well. I still got an education, I still got a job I love etc.

As for the license- I went without one till age 24 and the mom of a 2 year old :P. Gotta love my bike and my feet :) Driving is not for everyone and not a necessary thing to be a mature adult.

[kijip]

I had a similar issue with my brother. It is *really* frustrating to watch that funky period that a lot of people have around age 20. He was very "together" until about age 20 and then BOOM, he became very, um, not together. Did not go to school, stop working regularly, partied a lot, loafed around. You know what? He took a few knocks and landed on his feet. Got married to a guy he loves at age 22 and they are expecting a child next week :). My brother's husband is a well paid professional and my brother will be staying home with their daughter as a full time SAHD. He did not do what I wanted for him and go to college but once he found his own way, he was ok. I see a lot of early 20 somethings sort of drift. But they almost always find their way when their time has come to move past the funk. Consider that many people would have considered my choosing to marry and parent in my early 20s to be a total folly. But it was my path/my choice and it has worked out *really* well. I still got an education, I still got a job I love etc.

As for the license- I went without one till age 24 and the mom of a 2 year old :P. Gotta love my bike and my feet :) Driving is not for everyone and not a necessary thing to be a mature adult.

[megs4413]

in our area you can't work without one. things are just too far apart. but he doesn't want to get his license cause then he'll have to pay for insurance.....grumble grumble

[megs4413]

in our area you can't work without one. things are just too far apart. but he doesn't want to get his license cause then he'll have to pay for insurance.....grumble grumble

[megs4413]

i was gonna PM you this but you got rid of that option apparently.

it wasn't up for debate. it's the bitching post. leave it alone.

[megs4413]

i was gonna PM you this but you got rid of that option apparently.

it wasn't up for debate. it's the bitching post. leave it alone.

[lizajane]

my brother is 22 and hasn't managed to finish school. and he is SO FREAKIN' SMART. seriously, perfect 800 on his verbal SAT among other things. on the one hand, it took my sister a while to find her motivation. after working restaurant and office jobs for a number of years, she did VERY well in law school and now practices in a very tough market for young attorneys (as in, she got a much coveted job right after school.) so there is the idea that kjip was trying to express- which i took to be, it takes some folks some time/experience to figure out where to go next. on the the other hand, my brother has every resource available to him and he refuses to take advantage of his many opportunities. after 2 years of "taking time off" and trying to get back to school twice, he "needs more time." it is very frustrating to my entire family. we all care a lot about it and want him to be happy. and we all want to him help him find his joy. ultimately, he has to find it himself. but i sure wish he would get some help from somewhere. i feel like he is doing the ol' i don't know where to start so i just won't start at all kinda thing. and it is just too bad. he could be great at almost anything, if he actually wanted to be good at anything.

[lizajane]

my brother is 22 and hasn't managed to finish school. and he is SO FREAKIN' SMART. seriously, perfect 800 on his verbal SAT among other things. on the one hand, it took my sister a while to find her motivation. after working restaurant and office jobs for a number of years, she did VERY well in law school and now practices in a very tough market for young attorneys (as in, she got a much coveted job right after school.) so there is the idea that kjip was trying to express- which i took to be, it takes some folks some time/experience to figure out where to go next. on the the other hand, my brother has every resource available to him and he refuses to take advantage of his many opportunities. after 2 years of "taking time off" and trying to get back to school twice, he "needs more time." it is very frustrating to my entire family. we all care a lot about it and want him to be happy. and we all want to him help him find his joy. ultimately, he has to find it himself. but i sure wish he would get some help from somewhere. i feel like he is doing the ol' i don't know where to start so i just won't start at all kinda thing. and it is just too bad. he could be great at almost anything, if he actually wanted to be good at anything.

[lizajane]

hyjack-
i was delighted to read that your brother and BIL are expecting. what a great joy in an often difficult situation- difficult in terms of finding a way to include a child in their family.

[lizajane]

hyjack-
i was delighted to read that your brother and BIL are expecting. what a great joy in an often difficult situation- difficult in terms of finding a way to include a child in their family.

[kijip]

Really, I was going for the reassuring, your BIL will be ok in the end. Sorry it missed the mark. I agree with you 100% it is frustrating to watch someone malinger. It made me wanna pull my fingernails out and shove them up my brother's nose (I stayed home from college to support his butt through high school so I was more than a little irritated when he became of slack-off club kid there for awhile). Bitch away, I understand. This is not a debate, at least not coming from me. Really. :) I see that Liza saw what I was trying to do and has her own similar story. Your BIL will land on his feet and until then, I will happily conspire with you on ways to kick him into shape or deal with the frustration. I don't recommend my finger nail pulling thing though. You'll miss the nails once they are gone. ;)

[kijip]

Really, I was going for the reassuring, your BIL will be ok in the end. Sorry it missed the mark. I agree with you 100% it is frustrating to watch someone malinger. It made me wanna pull my fingernails out and shove them up my brother's nose (I stayed home from college to support his butt through high school so I was more than a little irritated when he became of slack-off club kid there for awhile). Bitch away, I understand. This is not a debate, at least not coming from me. Really. :) I see that Liza saw what I was trying to do and has her own similar story. Your BIL will land on his feet and until then, I will happily conspire with you on ways to kick him into shape or deal with the frustration. I don't recommend my finger nail pulling thing though. You'll miss the nails once they are gone. ;)

[kijip]

>hyjack-
>i was delighted to read that your brother and BIL are
>expecting. what a great joy in an often difficult situation-
>difficult in terms of finding a way to include a child in
>their family.

OT, but my brother and his husband have an unusual way out here...my brother is a gay identified FTM trans-gendered man. Went off treatment, due for c-section next week. Modern life. :) I am so excited to watch them eat their childless guy baby advice, I could just burst with I told ya so big sisterly love. :P A little girl, their only. Very exciting. Thanks for your delight, Lizajane! I am getting more excited by the minute for them. :)


****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[kijip]

>hyjack-
>i was delighted to read that your brother and BIL are
>expecting. what a great joy in an often difficult situation-
>difficult in terms of finding a way to include a child in
>their family.

OT, but my brother and his husband have an unusual way out here...my brother is a gay identified FTM trans-gendered man. Went off treatment, due for c-section next week. Modern life. :) I am so excited to watch them eat their childless guy baby advice, I could just burst with I told ya so big sisterly love. :P A little girl, their only. Very exciting. Thanks for your delight, Lizajane! I am getting more excited by the minute for them. :)


****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[kijip]

The whole time off from college things when you have the family support to go drives me nuts, even if I generally think it will work out in the end. Your brother sounds a lot like many guys I know. What is it with guys that are 20ish years old??!! Glad your sister found away out and I sure she has been a good example to brother. :)

****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[kijip]

The whole time off from college things when you have the family support to go drives me nuts, even if I generally think it will work out in the end. Your brother sounds a lot like many guys I know. What is it with guys that are 20ish years old??!! Glad your sister found away out and I sure she has been a good example to brother. :)

****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[fortato]

Wow---that is insanely WAY off topic.

But, congrats.

[fortato]

Wow---that is insanely WAY off topic.

But, congrats.

[kijip]

OT to a hyjack can land on mars I guess.

[kijip]

OT to a hyjack can land on mars I guess.

[megs4413]

by comparison, DH was 20 when we got married.

[kijip]

>by comparison, DH was 20 when we got married.

My sweet J was only 22, so I understand that not everyone is the same. Thank gawd or who would I have married?! :P Certainly not the loafers I knew. Still, I think everyone does *a lot* of growing up during their 20s. Some sooner/faster, some slower. Remember that a couple of short years can mean a huge difference.

[maddyzmommy]

My BIL has something wrong with him, we think. He's 37. Never worked outside a university, ever. He's got two Master's degrees and he's finished all the coursework and most of his dissertation for his PhD BUT he dropped out before he finished it. He lived in DC but moved home to live with his father in rural Arkansas. They're so rural they have no cable or Internet connection. He hasn't worked AT ALL in three years. No Home Depot or Wal-Mart, nothing. His DAD supports him. My FIL is 75 and still works. It hacks me off to no end. BIL used to borrow lots of money from my husband but I think he got embarassed to keep asking since he's making no effort to make any of his own. My husband just can't understand why his brother, who is by all accounts brilliant, would want to throw himself away like this. He has no friends or anyone he sees besides other family in town. One sister GAVE him a car but he doesn't have insurance and let all the tags expire. There's no way to make somebody go for counseling, apparently. His father is the only one who could affect change and he seems so mortified by the situation he's shut down. I keep telling DH that BIL will become our problem one day when the dad passes and that we should do something now but DH doesn't want to get involved until we must. Anytime we get involved we end up writing a big check that makes no difference since they wind right back up where they were before. Extremely frustrating. And I think FIL is slipping because he sends correspondence to our youngest daughter with her middle name on it, like that's her name. Glad it's the bitching post, that was one lengthy bitch.

Andi

[kijip]

*hugs* that is hard for families. I have a similar BIL. He is 30 something and went from being a recluse supported by mommy and daddy to being a recluse supported by his wife. Possible mental illness, especially when people seek no help, takes a toll on loved ones.

[ellies mom]

Wow, substitute SIL and we are in a very similar situation except SIL does work for Walmart. She is turning 40 this summer and has never lived on her own. She went to school to become a surgical tech but never completed her externship (has the loans though) so that was all for nothing.

We have no clue what she will do when she can no longer live with MIL. Trust me, it keeps us up late at night.

I'd say they'd (her and your BIL) would make a great pair but only if they end up moving in with you guys. ;)

Oh wait, Megs, were you looking for reassurance? Sorry!! I was a bit of a slacker at that age and I turned out fine. So as baffling as the whole situation is, there really is hope Well, other than my SIL.

[kijip]

I think the average 20 yo slacking off funk is pretty common. The 30s and 40s never launched into the real world adults are thankfully somewhat rare. I know *a lot* of 20 something malingerers and only one person that never snapped out of it, the BIL I mentioned. In his case it really is a mental illness issue. Your SIL and my BIL and that other BIL should form a club :)

[bisous]

I agree! I guess I'm used to thinking of 18 years old as "adult" but these days it seems like 25 is the new maturity. I know that I have three younger siblings and one (my brother) definitely didn't find his groove until he was at least 23. Now he's doing a lot better--reenrolled in college, got his license back, and is WORKING on moving out from Mom and Dad's place.

Megs, I'm sorry you have to watch your BIL make stupid decisions. I know that you are young and you obviously have your priorities all worked out which is a great tribute to you! Hopefully with your good example, BIL will figure things out without getting too deep into trouble!

[lizajane]

LMAO at my stupid self!!! i kept reading your post over and over trying to figure out how a man could get pregnant!!! ok, i think i caught it finally... your brother was born female and is transgendered- lives as male. i SWEAR i kept thinking that he was born MALE, had surgery to trans gender as FEMALE and somehow managed to talk the surgeon into throwing a uterus in with the vagina.

i swear, i am so freakin' dumb since i had kids...

whew.

hearty congrats for them on the actual birth of their babe and not just entrance to their family.

[fortato]

Megs--

My sister is about to turn 36. She JUST moved out of my parent's house 2 years ago.

She never went to college, never got married, doesn't have kids, doesn't have any real motivation to do anything substantial with her life...

She's the total opposite of me...

BUT... if she's happy, who am I to judge. I worry, and I get sad that her life isn't like mine, but I don't know if she wants it to be.

Know what I mean... I hope this post wasn't confusing...

[kijip]

You got it. ;) Only surgery he has had is a double mastectomy. So the only thing that is out is breastfeeding :)

****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[kijip]

>BUT... if she's happy, who am I to judge. I worry, and I get
>sad that her life isn't like mine, but I don't know if she
>wants it to be.

That is a very good point. I need to get better about practicing this line of thinking with my 30 something BIL. Maybe he is happiest the way he is. Thanks for the reminder.

****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[MartiesMom2B]

Does he look like a pregnant man?

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie & Mei

[kijip]

Yeah, he looks like a cartoon character man with an enormous beer gut. Needless to say he is really looking forwards to being done and going back on hormones.

[gatorsmom]

I'm finding this topic to be a FANTASTIC distraction from getting work done.

I have an innocent, curiousity-based question- if he lives like a man with his husband, how did the pregnancy happen? Was it an "Oops we were experimenting with different positions" or a conscious pre-planned decision to "go that route"?

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[secchick]

I could have written this post, but my BIL did get his PhD and was teaching at a university while living at home with his parents. He received an indication that his time there might be up, so he quit and accepted a position at another university a couple of states away and at the age of 42 moved out of his parent's house. He is very overweight (300+ pounds) and eats nothing but fast food when his mother isn't there to cook him his own meal. He's never dated, but for a time was looking for a Russian mail-order bride. Seriously.

So, the semester he's on his own, Hurricane Katrina flooded his parent's house, and he hated his job, so he quit his professor job and moved into his parent's FEMA trailor and started working in the game store where he spends ALL his time (seriously, when he was home he would be there until 2-3 in the morning). Of course he had no health insurance and was nothing but a burden to his parents. He stopped looking for a teaching job and decided to go to law school, and continues to live with his parents. Although his parents were paying for it, he refused to get the student health insurance (for about $1000/year) even after his parents tried to get him ANY insurance, but he couldn't get covered because of his weight. DH and I have made peace with the fact that his motivations and priorities are different from ours and that we can't make him change.

[newmomto3kids]

Does he go to a standard OB or midwife?

[o_mom]

I'm glad I'm not the only one that took a long time to figure it all out! :-)

[kijip]

>Does he go to a standard OB or midwife?

He does to a team of high risk specialists. My brother has mild cerebral palsy plus he had 3 mc prior.

[kijip]

>I have an innocent, curiousity-based question- if he lives
>like a man with his husband, how did the pregnancy happen?
>Was it an "Oops we were experimenting with different
>positions" or a conscious pre-planned decision to "go that
>route"?

They spent almost a year trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant. He had to stop hormone therapy (daily injections of testosterone) to achieve pregnancy. So it was very intentional. As for the specifics of conception, I have not asked. ANY of my siblings' sex lives is just a topic I don't delve too much into :) They wanted to be parents, raise a family together and decided this was the best option for them between surrogacy, adoption and pregnancy. When an FTM is on hormones, I don't think an opps would be possible. The testosterone stops ovulation/periods etc.


****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[kijip]

>I'm glad I'm not the only one that took a long time to figure
>it all out! :-)

Add me to the list. I was floored. And imagine how my 80 something grandma took the news :P. She is super excited but she was pretty confused too!


****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[lmintzer]

Wow, Katie. That's quite a story. I've met transgendered people (who have undergone the surgery) but never anyone who became pg while living as a man.

I did meet a man who was born a woman, birthed children, was their mommy for a while, and now is their daddy. That would be a hard one to explain to your friends at school.

[lizajane]

ohmigaw, sonia, i just burst out laughing. it was just so YOU to ask that question just that way. so funny.

[spencersmommy]

I feel you. My BIL is married with 2 kids, almost 28, and goes to college still, with no idea what to do when he is done. neither works, they live off of student loans and whatever FIL gives them. It's frustrating to me...and he's so sensitive that you can't ask him about the future and why he doesn't work a little since he only goes to school 4 days a week. And they are always buying new shoes and stuff and going to the movies...love them, but annoyed...