Familiar Stranger Scared Son, Need Help to stop my son's fear.

[jacksmomtobe]

A familiar stranger scared my son. At first I was going to post about what to say to the guy so I could be polite but get my message across but now the situation has gone to a new level. I would appreciate some help on how to help my son so we can nip this fear in the bud so it doesn't mushroom. Here's the story. Thanks in advance for reading.

We live down the street from a local coffee place. It's on the corner of our st and the main st that our st is off of. It's a tiny place and we have become regulars there. It's been nice to get out on those rainy days to some place where DS will eat a whole bagel and I can people watch. Well the landlord of the building who is an older gentleman (&grandfather) tries to be frinedly but tends to get in my kids' faces. I've tried indicating we are in a hurry and using my body language to convey that and not give him an opening. One day a few weeks ago we were sitting at a table outside (there are only 2) and it was just us. This guy came up to DS and in his attempt to be friendly frightened DS. DS (3) started crying and jumped in my lap. He wanted to go home. I calmed him down but what happens the guy comes out again and starts bugging my son. I believe I told him again that my son needed some space and he eventually went away. Now my son wants to avoid the place. The guy also tends to be out bopping around the whole corner making his chit chat rounds. If I see him when we are walking I avoid him. I tried not going into the place for a few days. Then on Saturday of course we go in and he's not there but as I'm getting ds into the stroller he turns up. I moved away as fast as I could. I told DS that the guy is just trying to be friendly and that he should not be scared of the guy. DS says he is not scared of the guy. I told him that I would always protect him so he didn't need to worry. Well stupid me decides to go in there again yesterday. DS wasn't too thrilled and wanted to get out of there the moment we got in so I tried to get us in & out quickly. The guy comes in of course. I use my body to block ds and mention that he needs space before the guy can say anything to him. And what does the guy do? He yells boo (not peek a boo but boo) really loud in DD's face. She's pretty used to someone in her face with ds and is tough but she started to cry. Then he wants her to smile and starts moving on to ds. I got both of them out of there asap and was not my chatty self to anyone else there. It was probably pretty clear to everyone else in the place that I was not ok with what happened. I think the owner may have semi seriously/semi jokingly said something to him about scaring my son as we left. We got in the car and at first ds seemed very upset. I tried to reassure him but he said he did not want to talk about it. When we got to our way to our destination (a gym class) ds was fine. Last night DS woke up screaming that he "wanted to get out of here" and "wanted his milk from a drive through" (the place is not a drive through place). He is clearly very upset.

My question now really is how do I help ds. My plan is not to go to the coffee place with him but should I avoid that whole section of the street and just go around the block the other way? We're about 6 houses away from the place but the guy (who may or may not also live there) doesn't typically come down our end of the st. I think at this point I would probably yell at the guy to stay away from us or at least be very, very blunt because he just doesn't get it. How do I make ds feel safe when we are out and avoid having this same type of situation elsewhere? How should I react if he starts to feel scared? Should we immediately leave a place if this starts to happen regardlsss of the situation? I don't want this develop into something that is paralyzing for my son.

I know that there are a lot of experienced Moms and therapist/counselors who read this board. I would really appreciate some help in what direction to go with my actions and reactions. My guy has been such a laid back, happy, social guy and to see the fear on his face just breaks my heart. I want to him him get over this or learn to deal with this so that he will be ok in social situations especially since he will start preschool next year. Another detail is that his sibling is now moving (crawling, cruising) so in general he is a little more reactive, emotional which seems to be on par with his friends in the same situtaion. Sorry this is so long. I really appreciate your taking the time to read this.

THANK YOU!

UPDATE: I popped into the Coffee place today with only DD. I told the Manager what has occurred and she was very receptive. She pulled the Owner into the conversation so he could hear about it then her & I talked more. I felt good letting them know why they wouldn't be seeing us and the Mgr was happy that I told her. I got all emotional telling her. I felt a little silly about that but I've just been feeling guilty that I took DS in there last time when he didn't want to go in and then he had the nightmare that night. She said the Owner would talk to the guy. I really have no problem saying something to him myself but am not sure when I would run into him without the kids. At this point I'm going to stop going there with DS and let him tell me when he wants to go there. I looked for the Fear book but the store I went into didn't have it so I'll either order it online or continue to look for it. I really don't want my reaction to create more fear for my son but I also don't want to downplay his feelings. The tough part is that the guy is the shop's Landlord and that corner is a major route for us to go places. Walking on the other side of the st worked yesterday. Any more advice will be appreciated...it's definitely making me feel a bit better and in control of the situation. Thanks again!!!

[Radosti]

Hmmmm.... that's a tough one. I think I would talk to the coffee shop owner and tell him that you are a very loyal customer but no longer feel safe or welcome in his coffee shop because of this other customer's behavior. If the situation doesn't get better, you will sadly be forced to find another place to frequent. I am sure you are not the only parent who is having this problem.

If the owner is unable to resolve the situation for you, I would pick a time when your husband is able to watch the kids and come down to have a serious heart to heart with the guy. Explain to him that he scares your children and you would appreciate if he would just ignore them for a while. If he still doesn't get it after both the owner and you talking to him very seriously about it, I would involve the police and have a uniformed officer discuss the situation with him. It will be a simple conversation, but he may finally take it seriously at that point.

[MartiesMom2B]

I think you should read the book Protecting the Fear by Gavin DeBecker. It says that you shouldn't force your child to talk to someone that frightens them. I think you should respect your son and not explain away why he is frightened of the man and I think you should be a little wary too. It sounds like you've already conveyed to the older man that he makes your son nervous and it sounds like he's ignoring it. I would avoid that block and find a new coffee shop.

-Sonia
Mommy to Martie & Mei

[ellies mom]

These types of things are always tricky. DD felt scolded by an employee at our local coffee shop (she wasn't) and was really upset. She didn't want to go back for a few weeks but we didn't make the connection until later. It has been a few months and she is still working through it. Luckily, she seems to be forgiving the guy because he was mortified that she took it so badly.

As far as the guy. You need to be more blunt with him. Tell him, "I know you are trying to be friendly but you are scaring my child. He is scared of coming here now. Please just leave him alone." He may not realize the effect he is having on your son. My dad forgets sometimes that DD needs a "different touch" than her cousins. He means well but just needs to be reminded to back off a bit. Hopefully, he'll get the point and back off your son. If not, you may need to talk to the coffee shop owner.

Now, your son. That is trickier. I think you should continue to tell your son that he is just trying to be friendly but he doesn't know how to show it, that he isn't trying to scare him. Expect the subject to pop up again and again. Expect it to pop up in weird ways and don't be surprised if it pops up a few months from now. It really can take a while to work through. Personally, I don't know that I would avoid the coffee shop but once I talked to the guy, I'd make a point of walking past the coffee shop, and then start going in and getting coffee and a snack to go, and then I'd work my way back to hanging out in the coffee shop. I would hate for your son to be afraid of part of his neighborhood especially a part that you enjoy. As he wants to talk about it, talk about and be prepared to repeat the conversation. Just keep reassuring him and slowly work on getting him more comfortable with the coffee shop.

[jacksmomtobe]

Thanks for the great advice. I really truly think this guy is clueless. I think in general he likes making people laugh (almost class clown like...trying real hard) and is not reading my kids reactions or my own for that matter. I now know that I have to put it bluntly to the guy. My Mom will be with DS tomorrow morning so I may pop down there. Overall I don't want my son frightened and to be somewhere he does not feel comfortable. The shop is really small. It just the Manager and the owner who run the place right now so they both know us pretty well. The Manager tried really hard to get a firefighter to come to ds's Firetruck themed Birthday party and they even got him a gift though they couldn't stop by for either his friends or family party. It's been a great connection for me to be in tune with what is going on around here. It's also been a nice outlet with me being a SAHM who really doesn't have any close friends in our immediate area (though one of my friends is moving in this summer :)) and being in a place where there are mostly nannies at the local park. We've met so many nice people there. The Manager is a pretty strong personality gal who doesn't hide her feelings. I think both her and the owner will be sad to hear how upset their landlord has made my poor ds. There are other coffee places nearby so I could find a new home. So maybe a break for now when I'm with ds and then see how he feels in the future. I just don't want my little guy stressing out so much. Today we did walk up the st (though on the other side and crossed the main st at a different area). I kept my eyes peeled for the guy and didn't see him. DS seemed ok with that. Keep the advice coming if you've dealt with our kids fears. I will update you on what happens.

THANKS!!

[maddyzmommy]

I would never go there again and I would phone the owner to explain my reason so perhaps another family doesn't experience what you have. Yes, I would go around the block for a while and not mention anything more about it to my child unless he brings it up. If he asks you, I'd just explain that was a silly old man who was not funny to us. I'd marginalize this character so my child wouldn't feel so worried. It's a great opportunity to discuss the whole "No means no" concept and to chat about how icky it feels when others don't heed our "no." We talk about people like this at our house from time to time and it's helped my girls to take "no" seriously. We honor "no," that guy didn't. Not nice. Good luck, Mama Bear! That guy better look out if he crosses your path again. :-)

Andi

ETA - Sorry: I didn't read your explanation of how much that place means to you before I posted my response. I'm a rash Mama. You don't have to be. I like your plan about chatting with the owner but I would not take my child there for a long time - not until he asked if we could go back. I second the Gift of Fear book. It changed the way I move my kiddos through the world.

[ellies mom]

I guess my only concern would be that you inadvertently make it seem scarier for your child. Kind of like giving off a "ohhh, that is a bad place, we need to give it a wide berth" vibe. Granted, we didn't make the connection between Ellie not wanting to go to the coffee shop and what had happened until later so we were a little baffled. But we just kept encouraging her and she got over it. I think it helps that the employee was visibly upset that he had hurt her feelings so she was able to start including that in her "processing".

But on a similar note, I talked to a woman last night who had something like that happen with her daughter in kindergarten. She was really upset and just didn't want to go to school for several weeks. So sometimes these things happen and you can't just avoid the place, which is kind of why I think you need to work on helping to get over the fear. Of course you know your child best and you know his needs best. I just wanted to throw that concern out there.

Of course, also in our case, that is our only "walk to" coffee shop. We'd have to pile in a car and drive to go anywhere else. We are so excited to have one we can easily walk to, that we do not want to give it up.

[kekane]

I'd use a sledgehammer approach, tell him in no uncertain terms to get the #@!$% away from my son and stay away. don't worry what he or anyone else thinks of you.

and if that doesn't do the job i'd go the law enforcement route. i don't know what the threshold for harrassment is, but worth looking into.

[DrSally]

Wow, first, let me say that I admire your quick thinking about blocking access to your son. It is difficult when you are trying to be socially polite to think on your feet like that. I also like how you told him you would always protect him. Even if you tell him not to be afraid, he is, and those are his feelings. This guy does not sound like he had a good social radar. I know exactly the type of person you are talking about. They think it's funny, but it is really intrusive, and kid's (or adults) shouldn't be scared and continued to be harrassed for feeling scared by said scary person.

Sounds like the manager took notice. It would be hard to avoid a local place, let alone the fact that you might run into him on the street. I might speak with the manager and have him speak to this man. Or, go and speak to him yourself sometime without the kids. I'm sure there would be a nice way to say it and also make it clear that your kids need a break from him. I will be interested to hear what others say. Obviously, if your son is having dreams it is affecting him, and I'm glad you're trying to nip it in the bud.

ETA: I also like the pp's "no means no" lesson. This may be a good time to teach that, it may be empowering for him to have a good comeback, like "I asked you to leave me alone, please". I would stay away for awhile since he's so scared right now, and then work on a plan for going back that makes Ds comfortable. If you have talked to the manager, and both you and he have responses ready, that may just take the wind out of this clown's sails.

ETA: I didn't realize this was so old. It got bumped somehow. I thought it sounded familiar.

[KBecks]

I'm sorry you are feeling intimidated by this person.

I think it's important that you respect your son's feelings, but at the same time, not overreact to the fear. Sometimes people get scared but you get back on the bike after you fall, so to speak.

I'm assuming the man is simply over-friendly and not truly creepy, at least that's what it sounds like from your post. If he is truly creepy, then you have to decide whether the coffee shop is worthwhile.

I think the next time you run into him, you need to go right up to him and initiate a conversation. Something like, "I need to talk to you. You're a friendly person and I know you like to talk to the kids but I don't like it. You get too close to them and it bothers them and me. I'm comfortable if we talk, but I want you to leave the kids alone."

These conversations are never comfortable, but if he's a decent person he will get the message and respect your wishes. But this sounds like a situation you need to have a confrontational talk because subtelty isn't working for you. It would be natural for anyone to be a little defensive when confronted. "I was just being friendly." But you must make it clear that you and your kids want more space.

Did you get the man's name? I think it would be helpful for you to actually get his name and give him your name and have that familiarity. Then the next time you see him you can say, Hi Bob, how's the weather?

ETA: Since this man is technically a neighbor, I think it's important to be very assertive, but not rude or drastic (calling the cops). If a straightforward talk doesn't help, then you probably will need to give up the coffee shop.

Keep in mind he's just a person and not some scary monster. And it's important for your son to see that also. If you freak when you see him, your son will pick up on your anxiety too. I think the best way to deal with scary monsters is to show your son by example how you cope with it.

Hope this helps,