Thank you for pricing me out of your wedding.

[Fairy]

This is an open letter to my wonderful Cousin Danny. I want to thank you so much for being so thoughtful of me and your other guests who are of modest and ordinary means. Really, when we got your Save the Date card for that peak season February date in Florida at the most expensive hotel in all of Ft. Lauderdale, I knew that you had your family in mind when you planned that, since most people would be coming in from out of state. Now, here are some of the problems I'm running into tho.

For one thing, the only rooms left on the room block you established at the resort are $700/night. The other modest rooms are all taken, and I was really hoping to be able to get the $500/night rate of those more reasonably priced rooms. So, I tried the cheap hotel you blocked rooms at for those of us who are of more modest means, and luckily they had rooms. However, all the good views are gone, and now I'm stuck wtih one facing theh parking lot for $320/night. Now, who could argue with a rate like that?! But the view leaves something to be desired. Hrmph.

Now, another issue is the flight. The time of year is peak season and, in fact, it is, apparently, the most expensive time to fly to Ft. Lauderdale from the midwest, so all the flights are in the $400 range per ticket. So, we went to use miles, and it turns out that those are blockout dates. So, that means that I have to use 50k miles per person to fly nonstop. If I take one with a hop, I can get the normal 25k miles per person rate, but the way I see it is a stopover is way beneath the swank that is obviously what this wedding is all about. I don't do stopovers. But for you, I'm going to slum it.

The final issue is about the no kids at the wedding policy. Now, I, myself, had a no kids at our wedding policy, and if i had it all to do over, I'd do it again. However, we had hoped to go to Disney World after the wedding with DS. But with your no kids policy, that means I'd have to bring my parents so that he could be watched while we attended the wedding, which means 75k extra miles spent on three add'l tickets, plus another room. Since money is no object, since thankfully, I'm not one of those folks of modest or ordinary means, we just felt that if we were going to do this, we should do the best, and the Dolphin is completely booked after your wwedding, so we're not going to be able to bring him if eh can't have the best. So, that's disappointing.

Ah, one other thing. The black time optional dress code is not what I expected. This leaves much room for somebody who doesn't know any better to attend the event in merely a suit and tie, which is really uncouth. It's far better to make this black tie only so that people understand what is expected.

So, Cousin Danny, I wanted to thank you for being so thoughtful. These few bumps in the road are but nothing. We'll get thru them and attend your wedding in the utmost of style where money is no object and normal people won't dare to tread.

All my love and support,
Your Loving Cousin.

[MeAndMyStar]

Wow. Hugs, Fairy. Doesn't money (and the silliness that comes with having a lot of it...or pretending to) just suck?!

[kijip]

Ugh. Screw the wedding. ;)

****Rocking out while parenting my smart little munchkin Toby. Just trying to do good in the world, a little at a time. Words to live by: it is *never* the wrong time to do the right thing :)

[deenass]

We got invited to a family Bat Mitzvah that is out of town and lasts 2 days (ceremony on Sat AM and party Sun PM) - my parents were invited (since they are family too) - my kids were not - so cousin thinks I am going to leave my small (and nursing) child(ren) for 2 days with a sitter so that I can spend 2 nights in a hotel to attend the event? Don't think so - so why exactly did I get an invite since you OBVIOULSY don't want me to come??????

Your bitch - sorry to intrude!

[elaineandmichaelsmommy]

Good grief! Some people can be so thoughtless. Sounds like it's the perfect situation to send them a card with a check in it and a sorry we can't come. I'm sure noone would fault you for not attending. Fwiw,my sister did a similar thing with the bridesmaids dresses,mine wound up being over 800 dollars,Yikes! Good luck.

[scoop22]

wow.. and here i thought spedning $2oo to rent a tux was upsetting. (we are used to 80 -100. that is what the last three in the last year have been) you have me hands down. that just stinks. you want to be able to make it to a family members wedding but they make it so challenging. i hope things work out for you. that is so expensive.


http://b3.lilypie.com/Sd3bm4.png

[elizabethkott]

Woah.
Have you considered chartering a private plane? And perhaps renting out an entire hotel for just you and your family? I'm sure that if you get one of the really nice hotels, they will be able to have their tailor make a tux from pure gold in no time at all. I bet they could make a little one for your DS, also, because even though he's not invited he would feel left out without one. And since you're renting out an entire luxury hotel, perhaps one of the myriad staff members would be so good as to entertain DS and your parents while you're at the wedding.
Oh, and while you're at it, I bet they'd just close Disney for you too. You wouldn't want to ride the teacups with the rabble, would you?
:)
Send a check. Unless your Cousin Danny saved you from raging wildebeests in your youth, it's just not worth it.

[MamaMolly]

FWIW, we bought DH a tux online from Penney's for about $100. If he wears it once a year it still is a savings.
HTH,
Molly

[1ceng1]

It seems brides/grooms are getting more and more ridiculous. They think their wedding is the center of everyone else's universe. So sorry you got this bum deal.

[HannaAddict]

It is their wedding. My rule of thumb is if you can't afford to go or it is inconvenient, don't go, especially for extended family or friends (versus a sibling or best friend). Plan an off peak trip to Disneyland for your family and send regrets if it really bothers you. I wouldn't want people fuming or judging me at my nuptials.

Just another perspective. (I know there are bridezillas but it also seems like couples can't win anymore when planning a wedding, it is either too nice/expensive/over the top or not nice enough and people bitch about having to go and buy a present. And yes, I've bitched too.)

Kimberly

[Fairy]

Please. I'm all about sharing.

[scoop22]

thanks for that tip.. i will past it along.

http://b3.lilypie.com/Sd3bm4.png

[Melanie]

I Double Dog Dare you to give them a $25 check as a gift. ;)

mwahhahahaha

Okay, having said that, I wouldn't go. But maybe I'm not so close with my cousins as you are. I just got a save the date for a similiar situation and I have no guilt about not going, but appreciate being included in the off chance we win the lottery in the next 9 months.

[gatorsmom]

Ugh, don't go. Send a check and a card. I bet big bucks you aren't the only one in the family to do that, either. Sooooo not worth the trouble.

Lisa
Mom to Gator July 2003
And Cha-Cha July 2005
and surprise! twins due 11/07!

[icunurse]

Um, and why are you even going? Sounds like a perfect wedding to send a nice check to. Heck, my BIL is talking about a "destination" wedding next year and DH and I are pretty sure we won't attend - don't have the $$$ for what they are talking, don't want to use vacation time to go somewhere we don't want to go, and to take two small kids and not have any help (my in-laws are pretty good for not helping), doesn't sound fun. So, we'll give them a ncie gift when they get back. Just being realistic...
DS - 2004
DD - 2007

[elliput]

Seriously, Hil, skip the wedding. Yeah, it is nice to attend and there is a possibility that your cousin/Aunt/Uncle/whomever may feel you snubbed them, but you know what? In four years when they are smack dab in the middle of a nasty divorce, you can feel relieved that you passed on the hyper-consumerist extraveganza. Take your DS to DW some other time when it suits you.

[DrSally]

Wow, sounds like a fun trip, other than the $$ issue. I don't know if I would take my whole family out of state for a cousin's wedding. Are you close? If you were planning on doing the disney thing in addition, I could see how it would make sense. But, think of all the good times you could have with that $$ at Disney!

I really, really hate spending double miles for a flight. That may be what you'll have to do, though, to avoid those outrageous prices. We just went to a wedding where the groom's parents arranged a babysitter (known by the them) in the hotel for out of town guests with kids (us and someone else). The kids didn't get any sleep as they would've in their own rooms, but at least we knew they were close and well taken care of. Is there any way they would think of doing something like this since it is their home turf, they should know people. That's a lot of extra expense to take your parents just to babysit one night, unless they want to come too anyway.

That room price is just so incred outrageous! It's more than midtown Manhattan.

[lizajane]

i am close to my cousins, but we skipped the wedding in hawaii as i had a BABY about 3 weeks before it. there were definitley no expectations of my attending anyway. and my next cousin to get married has a $100/night hotel, which i think is acceptable. but there is NO WAY IN HIGH HECK i would go to a wedding where i was expected to pay FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to rent a bed for ONE night. um, no. are the sheets made a of silk and you get to take them home with you? if not, then don't go. and don't send a check. they clearly do not need it. send some bath towels. in fact, monogram them so they can stare at their own initials all the time. clearly, they are all about themselves so marking their towels would be right up their alley.

[katydid1971]

NO WAY IN HIGH HECK i would go to a
>wedding where i was expected to pay FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS to
>rent a bed for ONE night. um, no. are the sheets made a of
>silk and you get to take them home with you? if not, then
>don't go. and don't send a check. they clearly do not need it.
>send some bath towels. in fact, monogram them so they can
>stare at their own initials all the time. clearly, they are
>all about themselves so marking their towels would be right up
>their alley.


LOL!!!!
Sarah

[AnaC.]

I join the general opinon here, I wouldn´t go, I would probably send a check and use the money I was going to spend in that wedding in having fun with my family, I would feel terrible going to that wedding and spending so much money in a night when I can spend it having a terrific time with people who will appreciate it more, that is my family.
http://lilypie.com/pic/070822/oGj8.jpghttp://b1.lilypie.com/paI5m5/.png (http://lilypie.com)

[hez]

I doubt I would go unless I could (a) find a room at a more reasonable rate and (b) there was babysitting provided for the out-of-towners.

My brother lives down in Ft. Lauderdale, but I'm pretty sure you don't want to call him to be your babysitter :)

[Globetrotter]

I wouldn't go, personally, unless it was a very close cousin. If you really want to attend, there's no reason you have to stay in the same place. Just book something within your budget and stay separately - use one of the budget travel sites to save money on it. It sucks that people can be so clueless to expect others to fork out that kind of money for a wedding. I would never spend that much for a hotel room!
The no kids thing is a bummer - I missed a few close friends weddings because of it (I was nursing full time) - but there's not much you can do about that.

[rgors]

I'll be the one to go against the tide here (agreeing with HannaAddict). This is their wedding, so they get to call the shots. Is this your wedding, or theirs? It's *impossible* to please everyone when you are planning a wedding. Finances are *always* an issue for someone at some level.

Theoretically, you only get married once. They should be able to make their choices and celebrate their wedding without the rain of disapproval from judgmental family members. If you can't go, or don't want to go, just send a nice card and gift -- end of story.

[punkrockmama]

I wonder if the 'rents are forking out for this. Otherwise they're probably gonna wind up living in an apartment with one bean bag chair and a milk crate. But I bet they'll have bomb wedding pictures up on the wall.

I wouldn't go either. ;)

[brittone2]

Another vote for send a check. I think brides and grooms can have whatever type of wedding they want to have. It doesn't mean you have to go though ;) or feel guilty for not going for that matter.

Call me horrible, but I bowed out of my brother's wedding. My brother has 2 step children now, but has never had an infant. His wedding was 5 weeks post partum for me. I am in NC, his wedding was in MD. They originally wanted me in the wedding too, and there was just no way (I couldn't predict what size dress I'd need in advance, I was nursing, and there was no way I could be a good attendant for my SIL while trying to juggle baby duty, etc.). It was wintertime. I didn't want to put a newborn on a plane (DS got pretty sick at 8ish weeks when we traveled with him as a babe). An 8 hour drive in good conditions becomes a 12+ hour drive with stops to nurse, change dipes, and get a potty trained toddler to the toilet on the road. Oh, and DD at the time cried to the point of vomiting in the car even with short drives. So yes, I skipped my brother's wedding. Sad, but there was just no way I could do it and maintain my sanity.

We were invited to another wedding in Sept and I bowed out of that too. Kid free, two ceremonies (two different religions/cultures), etc. I just can't. DD still despises the car (but now I can get a whopping 30 mins max out of her LOL). The drive is 5 hours, out of state. There's no way I expect DH to put two kids to bed on his own, both of which are accustomed to having mommy there at bedtime. It is just too hard.

I don't fault the bride/groom. Personally, I think it is nice to offer hotels at several price points, etc. if possible. I think brides/grooms can have whatever kind of wedding they want. We had kids at our wedding, but that's because at the time most of our friends were childless, so it was mostly family, and they were all preschoolers or school-aged.

However, if you make your wedding pricey to attend, or childless, etc., as a bride and groom, IMO you need to expect that some people simply will not be able to attend (although I'm not sure people *get* this until they have kids of their own). Provided the bride/groom can respect that, I can respect them throwing whatever sort of lavish affair they want to throw, kwim?

edited to clarify

Long way of saying, send a check. Even a generous one will be way cheaper and less headache-inducing than attending.

[Fairy]

Thnaks for the comments, Guys, and for letting me gripe. Ya know, the wedding itself -- even being black tie -- that's not what chaps my ass. And it's not even that it's peak season. The big issue that I felt was, frankly, arrogant and rude, was to book a block of rooms for $500 - $700 per night. That's positively insane. The backup hotel had their cheapest room block rate at $320, and that's the cheapest -- they had much more expensive rooms with views and larger space, etc. Was there a room block at an Embassy Suites for $180/nite? No. Was there a room block at a Hampton in for $180/nite? No. Are those rates available? Yes, cuz we're staying at the Embassy. But when at least half your invited guests are flying in from out of town, and none of them are wealthy, how is booking the rooms they booked for us without other options not being piggy?

To clarify, I have no issue with the no kid policy -- I had one at my wedding. But the room rates were the final straw, and I just started ranting about ALL OF IT. Peak season. Ugh, great. Well, ok. But then blockout dates? Hmm. Ok. Then I se they also registered at Tiffany's, Neimans, Bergdorf ... and Crate & Barrell (thank god!). In my cousin's defense, he says that it's his fiance's entire doing. He's not in support of any of htis. To that I say, man up, dude!

I also agree that it's their wedding, you don't have to like it, and if you don't, you don't have to go. I'm the first to agree with that one! But I do love him and want to go. But ... the hotel reservation thing for me was just the ultimate in arrogant expectation for me, so now ... I'm wanting to alot less.

Thanks for letting me gripe, guys. We've got the reservations at the hotel, but we may just change our minds and send a check after all. Jury's still out.

ETA for clarification

[ivparker]

I completely agree with you. When I first read your post, what got me was the cost of the hotel rooms. I know that technically a wedding is about the bride and groom but really I think its also a time for the bride and groom to put on a great event to celebrate all the people in their lives that have made them who they are which lead to the couple coming together. I think it is completely disrespectful to only offer very expensive rooms.
If they want to register at expensive places or even have a lavish wedding, sure, fine. But to almost expect or think that everyone would want to pay for that luxury themselves in terms of hotel rooms, is ridiculous. I have one cousin who spent $120 per person on her wedding and tried to get the word out so that people would give her more money as a gift. My husband and I weren't about to pay $240 on 2 meals. We have gone to very nice restaurants and only have paid half that. So although I feel slightly bad that by me going to the wedding was costing them more then I gift them, I figured it was their choice to have it so they can pay for it.

[elephantmeg]

I'm the ultimate in bad people. I have one brother, whom I am very close to but I'm most likely not going to his wedding. It's in Jamaica, in May and I'll have a 2 year old and an 8 week old. We talked about it before I TTC and he was cool with it-his decision to have a destination wedding, his decision to price people out of it. I just can't see 3 plane tickets, taking an 8 week old out of the country, a 2 hour bus trip from montego bay to negril, and a stay at a resort. I am however going to the reception in Chicago in August. Weddings are personal things, he wants a week to hang out with his friends ahead of time in Jamaica and a no fuss wedding-cool by me. But deep down I feel bad. But I think I just hijacked your post! Good luck!

[hcsl]

I recently had a very similar experience. My BF from college got married last month at a villa in the south of France. Summer in France, over 2 hours from Bordeaux. There were no flights to the town- there wasn't even a train station. We'd have to get a cab from the nearest town. She planned the rehearsal dinner an HOUR away at St. Emilion. For a while I was pretty miffed about lugging 2 children (4 and 1) alllll that way , about how much of a hassle it would be to get to the place, the crazy schedule she made up, the lodging situation, etc, but I finally realized that it's her wedding. She did exactly what she wanted to do. As much as I wanted to go, the PITA factor (and cost if I was to bring childcare) was just too high. She totally understood why I wasn't coming which made me feel better, but not totally. I hate I missed it, but I'm not sure how much fun I would have had without help, and didn't want to spend an extra $2k to bring someone.

Basically, if you dread going, you're probably not going to have that much fun when you get there. Good luck with your decision!