View Full Version : miscarriage support?

08-08-2002, 11:51 AM
Do any of you know of any groups (online) that help council those who have had miscarriages? A friend of mine is going through this right now, and pretty much all of her friends and family is in England, so no real support group other than me. It is slightly awkward because I just had a baby a month ago and feel a little bad that every time I go to see her she has to see him...kind of like a slap in the face, you know? Any help would be great...thanks! joanne

08-08-2002, 12:27 PM
I'm sorry for your friend. Try the parentsplace boards? http://www.parentsplace.com/messageboards

One warning though, after my m/c, I *personally* found it very difficult to look at these boards, as some women had multiple m/c's and that terrified me in addition to my grief. (My m/c was said to be "just one of those things", but reading about all the multiple ones freaked me out.) However, once I got past that, it was a good place to also get reassurance that m/c's are actually fairly "common". I wasn't alone, I didn't need to hide it from people, be ashamed, or guilty, etc.

FWIW, I'm now due 10/10 and everything is fine. Your friend will get thru this, you are wonderful to be concerned for her.


08-08-2002, 02:36 PM
Hi, Joanne. What city and state do you live in? I am a psychologist and have done a lot of pregnancy-related work, and am reasonably well able to track down resources in other states. I can't promise, but I'd be happy to try to see what might be both decent and available in your area if your friend would like that. It's so natural to want to seek community when things are joyful-- kind of sad in this culture that we think we should handle sadness all on our own. I admire you for wanting to help your friend find support in what must be a really awful time. No pressure at all, but let me know if I can help. I'd be glad to.

08-08-2002, 06:24 PM
I wish I had some help to give you. It's amazing how many people do have miscarraiges, though. I had one 2 years before DS was born, and it was amazing how many people came out of the woodwork (so to speak) that had had a miscarriage, too. It was the most devastating thing I've ever gone through, as before that pregnancy, I didn't even know if I COULD get PG! And then to lose it was awful. I think I didn't (couldn't) talk to anyone for at least a couple of weeks afterward. Now I have a wonderful son and another on the way. I think a lot of women have a miscarriage with the first one. It really doesn't seem to be unusual. I know what you are going through, too, though. My friend got PG same time I did this year, and she lost hers (2nd loss). That felt a bit awkward for a while, but just being there for her helps a lot... even with the baby.

08-08-2002, 08:31 PM
Thank you so much...it is a tough situation. We live on Eastern Long Island, NY, East Hampton specifically. Does it seem a little...crass to offer her a website to help her work through this? Again, thanks for the help! joanne

08-09-2002, 12:18 AM
I don't know. It depends on her. But I would think that personal help is better. Really, it's something that she's going to have to come to terms with herself. And if she has the support of her family & friends like you, she'll be able to get through alright. I know I didn't really talk it out much, but knowing that I had supportive friends & family helped a lot. It may help her to talk to someone who has gone through it themselves. Ask around, if you find you have another friend that has had one in the past, maybe you can ask her if she'd like to talk to someone you know that went through the same thing. Then again, that may not help. Again, it depends on her. Time is really the only thing that helps. It probably took a good year before I could talk about it without crying. Well... actually, having DS helped a lot, too! I would NOT recommend sending her to a site (board) where they are talking about multiple miscarraiges. I think the chances of having one are much higher than the chances of having 2 or more. And I think it usually happens with a first pregnancy (although I'm not sure about that). HTH.

08-09-2002, 09:29 AM
I agree that personal help is probably ultimately more useful, but it really depends on her readiness. I'm very sure I can find you some resources in your area, but check with your friend to see if she's open to that. If she is, I'll be happy to help in that way. Let me know...

08-09-2002, 02:56 PM

I didn't mean to scare you AWAY from miscarriage boards. Just pointing out a single negative experience I had. (Hearing about multiple m/c's and freaking out.) Along with that 1 negative, there were tons of positives. Just SEEING I wasn't alone, seeing lots of people's stories of a 1st m/c then "success", getting more down to earth info than the doc may have given you, and just seeing people at the different stages of grief helped. etc etc.

But, it is something I didn't go to until I personally was past the hysterical stage. When I was resolved to learn some things and accept the grieving process.

For me anyways, *everything* had a double edge. Learning I wasn't alone in this was comforting - then it was scary. "I'm not a freak. Other women got thru this and are now moms." turns to "If this is so COMMON, what if it happens again?" Just part of the process I think.

You are an angel for caring about her. I think all you can do is follow her lead. If she begins to talk about wanting to find a local group or a therapist or an online group - say you'll help her. If she doesn't bring it up, you probably shouldn't. I didn't want to SEE anyone (ie, therapy or groups) and wouldn't have liked being told about such things. MY personal way of dealing was between me and my DH and those I told about it. Any "outside" people were of the online variety, and that's how I wanted it. I did lots of research to reassure myself that indeed it was just "one of those things" and unlikely to happen again. I don't know what her situation is, but if it IS something her docs are worried about happening again, I hope they are offering support to deal with the challenges she has ahead in addition to her current grief. But, most of the time, 1st time m/c's just happen and things go off without a hitch next time.

Wishing her the very very best. Hopefully soon you'll be sharing your motherhood wisdoms with her as she plans for her baby to be.

And, congrats on your new little boy!