View Full Version : A day in the life....(long!)

11-06-2002, 02:34 AM
It started at about 11:00 last night. "Sweetie, could you please change his diaper? You NEVER change his diaper. I do it all day long." Snoring in response. "Sweetie." A bit stern. "Sweetie!" Accompanied by a small(ish) punch. "You never do anything! Get up and change his diaper!" He stumbles out of bed and begins to change his diaper for what seems like twenty minutes, with Gannon screaming the whole time. I am now wide awake and quietly laughing to myself, just wondering why it is that most men just don't seem to get it. Don't let DH see this, just accept my baby and whip out the boobs. Should really just lose the shirt completely at this point.

Cut to about 9:00 this morning in bed with Gannon doing his new arm thing. He's not flailing, it's more deliberate than that. It's a pumping of sorts, just one arm, up and down, up and down. And he keeps hitting me in the nose. I am sleeping, kind of, because I am a late sleeper and he lets me, usually. Getting annoyed by the punching of the nose and the fact that he really has no idea what stop means or what his arms are even doing. Groggy, I head downstairs and munch on some raisin bran, tune into NPR and peruse the boards. Order myself a highchair and another baby holder. Fret about the 4-month vaccinations that I have to endure tomorrow, not to mention DS!

Somehow four hours get away from us. It's DH's one day off. We decide quite spontaneously to go to the mall. It's a big deal in that the mall is nearly an hour and a half away and this will be our first time there with the baby. My post-partum feet don't fit into any of my shoes and I need a new pair of sneakers for work. We have a $50 gift certificate to Foot Locker, so we'll save a bit of money. I also need some new bras for my post-partum rib cage. Let's make a (half) day of it!

First we stop at BJs. We need *gasp* diapers and wipes. DH runs in and I take this opportunity to feed Gannon in the car. After about fifteen minutes I am getting antsy so I decide to head in after DH. Put on DS's hat (a cute Elmer Fudd knock-off) and wrap him up in a blanket. Notice weird brown squiggles of something on his hat. Wait! It's on his sleeve too! Wipes, baby, and brown stuff in my arms and we're in BJs, trying to find DH with the cart so that I can deduce what this is on my son's hat and clean it off. "What is it? Is it bird poop? Was our baby pooped on by a bird? What is it?" I am growing frantic. Thoughts of chemical warfare creep into my overly worrisome mind and I am convinced that we are the first victims. DH picks him up. "No...wait...There's some on his...You might have gotten some of it on your chin. Yep, definitely got some on your shirt. Okay, I'll clean it off. Hold still." Figure that the brown stuff is bird poop, didn't actually touch him, so we're doing alright. But isn't is usually white? "Is there anything on me?" with a spin. "You look fine." "There's nothing on me, did you look?" "Nothing." Oh well, grab the baby goods and some I Love Lucy DVDs (yeah!) and we're off to the mall.

(Pivotal info here. In the mall parking lot grab two diapers, one of two mini wipe containers and an extra outfit. We won't be there long.)

The mall. I rarely get to go. Always come in through the Macy's entrance right by the shoes. Sigh...Who thinks that women only have two, maybe three toes? Only here for sneakers today. Am mildly annoyed by the size of my feet. Greatly annoyed by the displays featuring ribbons and holly and Christmas greenery and Vanessa Williams singing "Silver Bells." IT IS NOVEMBER 5TH! Is this truly necessary? I'm sure this stuff has been up for a couple of weeks now too.

Head out into the mall and I'm very excited by the new stores they've introduced since I was last there: Gymboree, JCrew, H&M. DH suggests that we hit a jeweler. (Sidenote: We are not actually married. I refer to him as DH for simplicity's sake. I suppose partner is more appropriate. It's nearly six years that we've been together, so it's pretty much the same.) He wants to check out engagement rings. Yippee! Sometimes we do this seriously, other times just to see people's eyes bug out when we roll in with a stroller and say that. He starts getting lessons on clarity, color, carat size, different cuts from the extremely attractive salesman. Sorry! He was! I get to try on some nice rings. The one I like the most could be a down payment on a house. DP (darling partner) thinks that it's amazing how women can always, without fail, choose the most expensive item in the store. I'm getting hungry so we scoot off and head on down to TGIF.

At TGIF I send DP to change Gannon's diaper. I figure he's on a roll, considering he changed him the night before too. I get a table in a quiet corner so that I can feed the baby privately. Order myself a non-alcoholic drink for kicks and find that it just tastes like juice that's gone bad. DP joins me and DS starts in with the dinnertime crying. Attach him to the boob and then BOOM. He poops big time! I start laughing because it's still cute and funny to me. Then he starts choking and then he coughs, causing yet another eruption. He stinks, I've ordered dinner, start to head off to the ladies' room with a diaper and the wipes and the changing pad.

"Oh, wait a minute. You might not have that many wipes," says DP.
"Whaddya mean? How many did you use? He wasn't that messy before, was he?"
"No, but I always use a couple. Then I needed to wipe my hands. You didn't fill it enough!"
"Oh, so it's my fault that you use six wipes for a strictly pee diaper? Wash your hands!" I usually use two wipes, three or four for massive blow-outs.

Get to the bathroom and pull down the Kaola Care station. Notice there's poop all over my hands. "What the...Oh no. What did your father do?" Somehow DS has managed to get poop all over the side of his overalls. I really don't know how he did it. There was no opening near where all the poop was. Was it there all day and I am just realizing now? Could this be the answer to the brown BJs squiggles? Don't be silly, you would have noticed. Grab DS and head back to the table. "I need his backup outfit. He's covered." DP starts laughing. I don't think it's too funny. It's also a nice coincidence that he put the last diaper on and now this is happening. With only two wipes (and two hands) with which to work. Head back to the bathroom. Take off his overalls and am still puzzled. There's no poop on the inside to explain the poop on the outside. His leg and belly and back are completely clean. The other leg is a whole different story. It's everywhere. How on earth did it get to the other side? It crossed the abdomen! It makes no sense, but I forge ahead, nonetheless. I struggle with my two wipes and am nowhere near a sink. Can't leave him to get some wet towels. High school girls are giving me dirty looks, I can hear them when the door swings back open after they leave. "Well, that's an incident." "That's so disgusting." Some giggles too. Thanks for the help ladies!

I'm getting hot and look down to see two large splotches across my thighs. He got me too! And my really nice jeans, the jeans I spent an absurd amount on before I was pregnant and actually make me feel good, only now with two mustard colored stains on them. Will it come out? DS is laughing and cooing. "Oh you think this is really funny, huh? Mommy gets to eat a cold meal for this, and a pair of stained jeans to boot? This wasn't in any of the books. Oh! Don't put your hand there! No...Gannon!" Hands very near the poop on the outside of his overalls, have a small bit of unused wipe left, try my best to clean him. Get him dressed and while holding him, ball up the sullied clothes, fold the changing pad and tape up the diaper. Toss the diaper and bring him to DP, who's chowing down.

"Obviously you're a smart man. You don't want to change diapers at all so you just mess up the few that you do have to deal with." I know this ploy. My mother taught me: If you don't want to iron all of his shirts, burn a few. He'll never ask again.
"Well, maybe it's best if I don't."
I ignore this last bit. "Take him. I need to go clean myself up and get a wet towel for his hands."
Everyone slightly clean, DP and I take turns holding him while the other eats. I watch DS stick his hands in his mouth and worry about possible E. coli contamination from what I may have missed. We ask our waitress for a to go bag for the dirty clothes. She probably thinks that we're really bad at this whole parenting thing.

I convince DP that I need a new pair of jeans because the ones I am wearing stink. So at least I got something out of the whole trip. A new pair of sneakers, some new unmentionables, a new pair of jeans. Not too bad.

Get home and hit the jeans with Spray and Wash. I don't think it will come out. My badge of motherhood, stretch marks and mustard stains. Nice. Notice my jacket (suede by the way) does have a strange spot on it. The birds did get me after all! Whose excrement have I not yet dealt with today? Get DS clean and ready for bed. Doing a little dance with his head over my shoulder and he lets out a sneeze. With a bit of spit up. "Well, you're two for three GanMan. Do you want to pee on mama and bat a thousand?"

I guess the moral of the story is this: Never leave home. And change the damn diapers yourself.

Thanks for listening! FYI! Got one of those aqua massages and it was heavenly! Worth the ten bucks, no doubt!

11-06-2002, 01:03 PM
Joanne, honey, you are hilarious. THANK YOU for the laugh this morning.

-SAHM to Matthew Nicholas, born 5/22/02

11-06-2002, 01:18 PM
Joanne, I really do wish we could live closer to each other. Betweeen Gannon and Josh we would make quite a hilarious show... for everyone else! ;) Don't feel bad, I have days like that all the time. Those that have gone on before us say that we really will survive and live to tell about it (and do it all over again a couple more times!) But sometimes I'm not so sure!

11-06-2002, 01:31 PM
I am still laughing!! Men! ...funny how Poop becomes a major topic of discussion once you become a mommy! :-) Thanks for the laugh!

11-06-2002, 03:41 PM

Sounds like a crappy day both literally and figuratively. Tell that partner of yours his job description as Papa includes diaper changes!!!!!!! Be ruthless about it...use guilt or a whip if you have to.

Hope today is better.

11-06-2002, 04:41 PM
Thanks for the laugh Joanne - much needed after listening to Ainsleigh cry (or yell, really, since that is her new thing) herself to sleep. When DH tried the old, "I'm not good at changing diapers," I responded, "Then I guess you need more practice." haha. Dh knows that Saturdays are his diaper days and I love it. "Here, change her," I say. "Again?!" he asks. I pause. "Ok, I'll change her when YOU feed her," I say, usually accompanies by me asking if his milk has let down recently or if he'd like me to bring a change of breast pads for him. ah sarcasm, what would I do without it?!

Hope today is better (but if not, please share for another laugh!).

11-06-2002, 10:22 PM
Well, to cut him a little slack, DH does work a crazy amount. Five days and nights, sometimes six. So I try to give him a break. But that one day off for him is my turn for a break! I work too! Every second I think about my child and that is exhausting! Plus four days at a paying job. Plus the house, and the laundry, shopping, blah blah blah. You know how it goes.

11-06-2002, 10:33 PM
Yeah, amazing how women can manage at least 3 full time jobs before leaving the house! And that question "Do you work outside the home?" If I ever get to be a SAHM, my answer will be yes. Who else do you think does all of the yardwork too?

Thanks for the laugh!


11-07-2002, 11:43 AM
Jo, after 4 months where did your diaper bag go?? :) Is that the first thing most parents ditch? Wanna join the diaper bag selection craze we have going??? It looks like you need one too :) (just joking with ya)

Thanks for the humor. I needed it this morning! :)


11-07-2002, 12:57 PM
We've had two diaper bags already, both with full man approval! But it's so big and bulky and it won't stay on my shoulder and it barely fits in the basket of our stroller. Thinking about the Combi Sling, but am trying to slow down the shopping since I just bought the hight chair and we'll need a different stroller soon. So I usually grab a few diapers, a change of clothes and a small thing of wipes. I can usually fit that all into my purse. (Which is a nice size and nice looking!) I know that once he starts solids I'm gonna be lugging around a suitcase, just trying to be streamlined for as long as possible!

11-07-2002, 03:19 PM
just out of curiousity, which high chair did you buy? and you're going to get what stroller?

would love to get another stroller but DH would rather we buy groceries and pay bills right now (sheesh!). must live vicariously through others. so if you don't mind - share your purchases!