Taking care of a marriage after baby

[Rachels]

Whew. This baby-having stuff is not easy. I have never even fathomed loving someone as much as I love my daughter, and much of me is that much more in love with my husband for helping me to create her. But I'm finding newborn-land to be really hard on our marriage. I feel frustrated that DH doesn't respond as instinctually as I do and am feeling like most of the comforting and soothing is falling to me. For his part, he feels frustrated that I expect him to feel exactly as I do, and he is honestly trying as hard as he can. Mostly I believe this to be really difficult but essentially normal transitional stuff, although it's hard coming up empty when I try to dig up the inner resources to navigate it. But I'm wondering what others of you are experiencing or if there are particular ways you're finding to care for your relationships with your partners. Whenever we've faced tough times as a couple before, we weren't so entirely compromised in terms of sleep, good nutrition, time together, sex, interaction... I have plenty of faith that we will come through this, but am just not sure what to lean on to help us in the present. Am I the only one struggling with this?

-Rachel
Mommy to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Annette_C]

No, Rachel, you're not the only one. Having a baby changes our lives (as we all know!) and it takes a little time to get used to the new routine. It takes some men a little longer to get used to having a baby in the house. Some are jealous of the attention mommy gives to baby (and not them). Others feel that nurturing is a mother's job.
How was your DH before the baby? Was it easy for him to express emotions?
I'm lucky to have a sweet, loving DH that is not afraid to show his emotions and that has been extremely helpful since the day Sabrina was born but I know plenty of other men that can't do that. It doesn't mean that they're bad, they're just different.
Now, having said that about my DH, we're also having problems finding time for each other. I think it comes with the territory!:)
The important thing is to stay close, to continue to love each other (despite all the variables), and to be VERY patient!
It'll get better as baby gets older and requires less time and attention.
Hang in there! We're all in the same boat!
Annette :)
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[Annette_C]

One more thing that I forgot to mention....
We try having "date night" every so often (when we can have my parents babysit). Most often, we go out to dinner but that time could be spent in doing things that you both enjoy and used to do before the baby. It's nice to be able to relax and just concentrate on each other for a couple of hours. It really works for us.
I hope this suggestion will help you too.
Good luck!:)

[daisymommy]

No, you are absolutely not the only one struggling with this issue. DH and I were married 6 years before having Josh. We thought it would give us time do really bond together, and do all the things we wanted together before bringing a baby into the family. But you know, it has actually made things harder in a way, because now we are so used to doing things our way, on our own schedule, just the two of us, that it has been a real shock to our marriage to have such a little person come in and turn things upside down. Babies are so demanding of your time. I had no idea what we were in for!
It feels so depressing taking turns eating dinner so one of us can hold Josh (otherwise he has a fit). No more reading for hours at the bookstore together, leisurely sipping a latte' (our regular Saturday evening activity), or going to the movie theatre. And spontaneous "romps" ? HA! Or just having a conversation that lasts for more than 5 minutes without being interrupted by baby cries. I hate to sound like a terrible mother, but if we're being honest here I'll tell you something...Sometimes I resent Josh :'( for the strain it's putting on our marriage, and fear what long lasting effects this will have on us.
Friends and my parents (who have been married for 30 years) assure me it doesn't have to be that way. That it will eventually get better, and we just need to hang on, have faith, and do what we can to stick together, and make time for each other. We too plan on instituting a weekly date night. We have had offers from people at church to babysit Josh, and I'd like to start setting things up. I'm still just a paranoid Mom sometimes who doesn't want to leave her baby with anyone else.
Well, I'm sorry I didn't have much advice. I just wanted you to know you are definetly not alone!

[mama2be]

Oprah recently had a two segments on this topic, and just the stress of motherhood all together. She said rarely has she ever has so much mail on a topic. She has one guest who is Naomi Wolfe (she is the Gloris Steinem of my years...I am 35)...When I was single and a career girl living in DC I worshipped Naomi Wolfe's views and her books the Beauty Myth and Fire for Fire...

Funny now she is a mother and she just wrote "misconceptions"...I would like to get the book, but it is about this sort of topic. She got hung up to dry by some folks who wrote in BUT Oprah and most gals I think supported her and this panel for their views and their honesty...most of all thier honesty and admitting that it is not easy...

I have yet to find out since not due till Feb, but have little doubt that I will be in the same situation...I am very idenpendent and am so used to just jumping in the car and going...and like you metnion just sitting in a book store with DH and nothing to worry about...

I owuld liket os tart a babysitting co-op of some sort in my neighborhood where we each can help eachother take breaks, dates etc...and watch eachothers kids without breaking the bank...I think this is a good idea...

[egoldber]

You are definitely not alone in this! I probably do 99% of the care giving for Sarah. This has evolved because my DH travels a lot, so I often have Sarah alone 24/7 for a week or two at a time. When DH is home, his "help" is actually sometimes more trouble than it is worth. I have read that this gets better as the children get older. I think that some daddies have a hard time "bonding" with a young baby for whatever reason. As they get older and start doing things that "dads" like to do, then they have an easier time helping out. I try to "remind" him to do things, but I get incredibly frustrated when I ask him to do something simple like make her lunch and he looks at me blankly and says "What does she eat? What should I feed her?"

We were married 9 years before having Sarah and were both very career track oriented people. It is amazing to me how having a baby has changed my perspective. Before having a baby, I swore I would never be a SAHM, was on the corporate fast track, trying to be a VP before I was 40, etc. Now I couldn't care less!!! As a couple, we have developed new roles and our relationship has changed. It is certainly not the equal 50/50 partnership I thought we would have in child raising, but I am learning to be OK with that and realize that there are a multitude of ways to partner.

Feeling your pain,

[KathyO]

I've read the Naomi Wolfe book and heard her interviewed on it. I didn't have much use for her complaints about hospitals and their labour and delivery procedures (for one, she shouldn't generalize, and for two, labour and delivery _pales_ before the long and rocky marathon that is motherhood),

BUT

I nearly peed myself when she described her new standards in men and her new, Mommy-fied sexuality. A male friend of hers came over and, in the course of the evening, took on the chore of putting the kids to bed for her, and "I was, like, take me NOW!" A man who's good with kids is now incredibly sexy, and having him wash the dishes or run the laundry unasked is practically foreplay!!!

I/we have also struggled with what one little baby has done to our marriage. I have felt overworked and underappreciated, and I'm sure he has felt shut out by the fatigue-based decline in my sex drive. Although we both strongly believe in having a stay-at-home parent, and although we are grateful that circumstances have permitted me to stay home (he earns more and has benefits, so this made sense) I feel weird and disenfranchised being financially dependent, and he has felt the pressure of being the sole breadwinner in a time of layoffs and unemployment.

My conclusions on the subject so far are these (subject to change as I acquire more experience!):

A baby smashes your lifestyle into a jillion pieces. The harder you try to yank it back to what it was, the more frustrated and unhappy you'll be. It's time to reassemble the pieces into a "new normal", making sure that the new structure does include time for you personally, and for you as a couple.

If a man is going to revert to the patterns set by his father, this is when he's more likely to do it, whether he realizes what he's doing or not, and no matter how progressive he's been before the baby came. Don't seethe while he slouches off to watch TV and leaves you with the sterilizer and bottle brush. Ask him to do something, or offer him a choice ("would you like to do the bottles, or bathe the baby?") (Note that I said "more likely to do it". I go from my experience and that of my peer group, but I do not wish to generalize across the species!)

Make sure that he spends some time alone with the baby. He'll get more confident (and able) to help out, baby will realize that Dad is, well, not QUITE as good as Mom, but wills suffice in a pinch, they'll bond, and... most importantly... YOU can go hang out at that bookstore!!! And drink a WHOLE COFFEE while it's HOT!! Be merciless about demanding and taking these time-outs.

It's common advice, but it's great advice: get out once in a while. Catch a movie. Have dinner. Talk some. Who knows, you could find yourself imitating your old amorous selves by evening's end!

All that being said, I think that having a baby can ultimately strengthen a marriage... sometimes in the way that boot camp builds bonds between army buddies... sometimes in the incredibly precious way your spouse cuddles your baby... or in the hysterical never-to-be-forgotten expression on his face after the baby spits up down the back of his business suit...

Now excuse me while I go join the baby in a nap... in hopes of staying awake long enough tonight to ambush DH...

Cheers,

KathyO

[megsmom]

I think anybody who wouldn't admit to having a baby being one of marriage's most trying experiences wouldn't be honest. No matter how strong your marriage is, having a baby puts some bumps in the road. My husband and I have a strong marriage and had a great 5 years before Meg was born. Society kind of builds up this myth about how blissful having a baby is, but after a rough third trimester (early contractions and bedrest), difficulty breastfeeding, and post partum depression the myth was pretty much debunked!!! God bless my husband, he carried me through most of that. I almost fell apart and thankfully our marriage survived. Perhaps getting through some of those rough spots really helped us to evaluate our priorites and the things we choose to get upset about.

I feel our marriage has really grown, but still it isn't always easy since so much has changed. We find ourselves snapping at each other a lot more than we used to since it's seems we're so much more tired and there's a never ending list of things to do. We really miss going out on the weekends, but try and make an effort to go out from time to time as a couple. This IS an effort too, since I haven't really been able to find any steady babysitting arrangement and we have no family here to help out. I think it's key, though, so that we can reconnect and finish a conversation or two! :) I'm lucky in that my husband really does a lot in the childcare end of things and a fair amount of the housework. He always did help before, but I think all of the troubles I had really threw him into the role of caring for us. He also works pretty normal hours and doesn't travel much. I know this isn't reality for most couples. I feel for you ladies carrying most of the burden and salute you. If hubby wasn't helping, things would be totally different.

I work part-time, which I think really helps my frame of mind by getting out and taking a break from babycare. I love my daughter more than anything, but seriously wonder if I would be a different parent/wife if I was at home full-time. I know the days I do stay home, I am always more exhausted, crabby, and certainly don't feel too affectionate toward my hubby after little dd has been crawling all over me all day.

We have found a couple of things that help us. We try and talk as much as we can, on the phone during our lunchhours and usually over dinner most nights (it gets easier once your little one can join you in the high chair or play with toys nearby somewhat independently.) Though this isn't the same as is used to be (especially the cooking! :)) it's better than nothing. We usually spend some time talking before we go to sleep each night, too after dd is in bed no matter what time it is. Both of us also have one activity that we do outside of the house on our own. I go to scrapbook club a couple of times a month and he helps his boy scout troop.

I think it's okay to take some time to mourn the carefree relationship you once had with your spouse. I do spend more time with dd and do get frustrated moments when dh doesn't seem to know what to do, but I realize he's trying. Dads have different instincts and parenting styles and it's taken me a while to accept that. I think one thing that most men tend to do if the going gets rough is to tune out, throw themselves into their jobs and let their wives take care of things. I have one friend whose husband just really isn't there for her at all. Wives tend to over analyze, give advice or silently trudge on resentfully murmuring "I'll just do it myself..." Roles of marriage and childrearing have totally changed in this generation and we're all trying to figure this out with little sleep, a cluttered house, cold processed food, and a screaming little one in the background. It's no wonder we've all found ourselves thinking (and almost everybody has thought this in a little wee area of their brain) if having this baby was a good thing. I guess we just have to find as much time to talk with our spouses as we can, get out on dates, and sneak in a hug to a spouse who probably feels as wacked out as you most days.

Jen
mom to Meghan
born 7/13/01

[mamahill]

How thankful I am to "know" you women. What I have found the most discouraging is that all through high school, college, and working thereafter, I knew that my ultimate goal in life was to be a stay-at-home mom. So here I am, doing what I've always dreamed of, and not loving it like I thought I would. Overall, I do love this, but there are just enough moments throughout the day that by the end, I've convinced myself that I'm not even good at what I thought I was made for. And this is who DH comes home to. I am extremely lucky to have a husband such as him. He's not perfect, but he's perfect for me. Which makes me feel all the more guilty that when he comes home all I want is a hug, a back rub, a long hot bath, and a good night's rest.

DH has been wonderful about backing off when he can tell I want some space. He works some late nights, but when he's home, he'll give Ainsleigh her bath. He tries to spend time with her and get her to calm down when she's fussy, but I can empathize with the others - he doesn't do it like I do, so it takes even longer for her to calm down.

I've started doing small things to let him know I still love him, if not more (totally agree on the loving him more now that we have this baby). I send him a card at work every couple weeks or a month. I love to cook, so I try to find recipes he'll especially enjoy, or cook the things he likes. We try to go for walks as a family (she's usually very well behaved for those, and it gives us a good hour of grown-up conversation) on the weekend. We've had a couple dates, and would like to have more (DH's work's Christmas party is coming up and it's an over-nighter at a hotel!).

Plus, I notice I have more energy now that DD is older. And what it boils down to is that although this is way harder than I had anticipated, I'd do it all over again (and maybe someday we will!). I'm not thankful that others have found themselves unhappy, but I'm thankful that you (all of you) are so willing to share your feelings and experiences that we may know we are not failures. How thankful I am for this community for us to share and learn.

ps - I tutor elementary-age kids in English writing (they're generally first-generation Asian children) and this month we've been writing about what we're thankful for -- guess it has served to make me more aware of what I'm thankful for... :)

[mama2be]

I'm sure something so easy to do, with baby, and no cost like taking routine (key word routine) WALKS helps...I find when my hubby get it together to go for a walk together I just feel so much better after with him. You really do talk a lot when you walk :)

[jojo2324]

I am sure that this will end up being somewhat convoluted, so bear with me...

I realize that many of you might think that my DH is a bit of a wanker, considering what I've written about him. (Just a refresher: he changes diapers infrequently, when he does it ends in nuclear disaster on my clothes, he left the hospital to eat while I was laboring, he had a certain "incident" with a pillow. You get the idea.) But he really is a terrific guy, and his every waking second is devoted to thinking about us and taking care of us, and for that I am eternally grateful. I felt so sheepish, like a Hallamrk card, right after DS was born, but I really did fall in love with DH all over again, watching him gaze at the baby and struggle with snaps and buttons, just seeing him stripped down to complete and utter devotion to this little lump. He is currently working two jobs so our time together is brief. We have one day and two nights together each week. I know I bitch a lot about how he doesn't do this or that, but I do try to let him off the hook too. I know he's exhausted. But he's the type of guy who wouldn't DREAM of working less. He's so consumed by money worries and the future that work has become his life. I've tried to get him to let up a bit, but he's not having it. (As I like to say, you work to live, not live to work.)

But even armed with those realizations, I still get angry at him. Take for instance this morning. We were trying to leave the house and I had just changed the baby and was feeding him. Meanwhile DH is having a little snooze on the couch. I found myself getting really angry that he didn't think to get the diaper bag ready. That just pushes our departure time back further, you know? Like it doesn't take long enough to leave the house nowadays. So I snapped at him, and then felt bad, because I snap at him A LOT. I was also peeved because earlier I had asked him to take the baby downstairs while I got a little extra sleep and he kinda huffed. I just get really frustrated that he doesn't do things in general, not even that it's not my way, just that he doesn't THINK to do things, like pack an extra outfit. I told him later, after a bit of skulking on my part, that it really annoys me that he seems to answer each of my requests with a groan or grumble. He said he would work on it, but that's another thing. He doesn't seem to think (without my hinting or outright asking) to take the baby off my hands. Which leads me to...

I also get annoyed by his mindset that if I'm home, I'm in charge. THAT really gets my goat. Just because I'm here doesn't mean you're off the hook! And at the end of the night when we're in bed and I FINALLY get the baby to sleep in his crib (of all places!) that he immediately looks for a backscratch. Back off buster! It's such a minimal thing, but it still irks me to no end. (And I have to beg for a foot rub.) I have a second to try and cling to my dwindling brain cells by reading Time and you're honing in on my space! I've told him this too, like my body is so not a part of me anymore and you're taking that last bit I have. I wish he would really listen to me; I think he just lumps all of this into woman troubles/baby hormones/general Joanne irritablility.

I've been mulling this over the last few weeks, what women are up against these days. Times are so different now. We hold jobs, run households, have children, have husbands. We've fought for so much that our mindsets have changed, but I don't think that men's have. While I do believe that men are more active than ever in parenting, I think that most women are under the impression that they always fall just a teensy bit short. We expect this 50-50 lifestyle because that's what we've lobbied for for so long, and it seems like that does exist in the realm of employment. But when it comes to family and home, it's still women's work. I work; I don't want to, but I'm lucky in that I can make a good living for myself working three days a week. I know that many women have to work more than that and still struggle. I guess my point is this: We've worked so hard to have it all, and now we're having trouble doing it all without a bit of resentment. I know, that's a broad statement, and it doesn't apply to everyone, but that's how I feel.

The one thing that really struck me from the Oprah coverage was a comment that was made in reference to work. Who loves and thinks about his/her job 100% all the time? Why do we feel, as mothers, guilty about the fact that sometimes, yeah, we just want a break or maybe this wasn't such a good idea? In the course of one day I love my baby, cherish him, weep over how beautiful he is, get angry at him, am confused by him, and just generally focus all energy on him. What other job requires you to do that? All the time? But then I start to feel bad about that too. What were our mothers thinking back in the 50s when they didn't have the choices and freedom we have? They certainly weren't as vocal as we are. They just did it because that's how it was, no martyrdom for them. And I'm not looking to be a martyr. I guess I just wouldn't mind a little more from my man.

So what have I done? Nothing really. I am focused on raising my baby to be a respectful person and trying to be a good example for him. I have let the house go to crap, and I am starting not to care. It gets on my nerves, all the laundry especially, but at the end of the day it's my child that matters, not what the house looks like. That stresses me out less and then I'm not so snippy with DH. Eventually it'll all come together, I have faith it will. I know one day Gannon will magically get over this crying all the time and then I'll organize the cabinets and rearrange the living room and DH and I will have a lovely supper together. Until then, we deal with it on a day to day basis. When I do have some time, I come here, get support from my mommy friends, and nap. Above all I try to laugh. I realize that DH will never meet my 21st century expectations, so I let them go (slightly) and just keep on loving him for loving me and our child.

Don't know what I've accomplished by saying all this, just unloading I guess. I just have faith that it'll all eventually gel.


Edited to say...

I think DH is on to my posts! This morning DS woke up before I was really able to, so I just let him hang out in bed and yammer. But soon after, DH came upstairs and changed his diaper...This is something he rarely does. I asked him what he was doing, like he had infiltrated some secret society that only I know about or something :) Just my surprise I guess! He said I'm changing his diaper because that's what needs to be done. Hmmmm. Then I came downstairs only to discover the BBB message board on the screen, and I definitely shut it down last night. Well, if he read it then maybe he will FINALLY realize everything I've been trying to tell him since we had the bambino...Still, I feel slightly violated. But you can't have it both ways jojo!

[mama2be]

Maybe it's best that he did see it...I would let him know how much it meant to you that he did jump in today and help...men love strokes!!! I myself have to remember that :)