Help! Cigarette smoke and the baby...

[etwahl]

I was hoping to get others opinion on this subject. My husband and I are avid non-smokers, in fact, I am highly allergic to smoke, and the mere smell makes my sinuses get stuffed up. Living in California, we're almost never exposed to smoke at all (which we love), but unfortunately we have family members who do smoke, who are planning to visit.

My question is would it be unreasonable to ask them not to smoke if they are wanting to hold the baby. While we would never allow someone to smoke in our home or car (baby or no baby), when someone smokes, even outside, their clothes and skin smell like smoke (especially with chain smokers like some of our family members). I just don't want them to hold the baby if they smell like smoke, making the baby's clothes and blankets smell smokey.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable? If not, can you provide some suggestions as to how to address this with family members? I just feel that for the first six months of our baby's life, I don't want her to be exposed to anything like that. I should also explain that none of the people I'm talking about live close to us, so they would only be around for a short period probably a month after the birth. I also want to say that one reason I'm so against it is because growing up I was exposed to chain smoking my entire life, and have always suffered with severe sinus and allergy problems. I get very severe sinus infections and have had sinus surgery, and will need to be on allergy medication the rest of my life. I believe this all stems back to my extreme exposure to cigarette smoke throughout childhood. That's a big reason which makes me so adament against smoking that would in any way affect my child.

Thoughts/ideas? Also please note I don't want to offend smokers with this post. I believe everyone has the right to do what they want, as long as it doesn't affect someone else.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[alandenisefields]

Tammy,

Thanks for using our message boards.

We're a bit on the fanatical side about smoking ourselves. But this is a touchy subject as smokers always feel they are picked on as it is.

First, insist that every one wash their hands before they touch the baby. Even though this really isn't necessary it puts everyone on the same footing and doesn't single the smokers out. Also you can simply blame your behavior on first-time-mom nerves--it's a great excuse. Finally, increased risk of SIDS has been directly linked to parents or others in the household who smoke. So, you can use that as another excuse.

But don't ever feel you have to apologize for taking your baby's safety seriously. They have undeveloped immune systems and their lungs and other organs are still trying to adapt to the world outside the womb. Feel free to set the rules that will protect your baby best.

Best wishes,

alan and denise fields
authors, BABY BARGAINS

[KimberleyDawn]

Hi Tammy,
While I agree 100% with NEVER smoking around a baby or children I think it is a little extreme to tell your relatives (that you rarely see) they can't hold the baby because they smoke. I understand how you feel about it being gross (smelly) but what real harm is there in holding the baby if they have clean hands. I too have relatives (in-laws) that smoke like crazy and I have even told DH that we will not be visiting them at their house because it's so smelly even though they would refrain from smoking while we are there. I think the possibility of seriously offending your relatives is very high so be very careful if you still feel that it is something you can't overlook for a month.
Kim

[m2tandk]

Being a former smoker you would think I would say it doesn't matter, but then again, I DID quit! Its perfectly reasonable to ask them not to smoke around or near the baby AND to refrain from doing so if they want to hold the baby too. I wouldn't want my baby's clothes smelling like smoke either. I totally agree!! Luckily we only have 2 smokers in our family and they aren't around much. They do always go outside, but they also always smell like smoke!! Its your family and your decision!

Kelly
TTC#3

[bnme]

I am an ex smoker (quit right before we started TTC) and totally understand how you feel. I agree with the other posters, however, that it would be a little extreme to not allow them to hold baby --it would probably cause more problems than it is worth. I would, however, insist they wash their hands. ANd you can do this for everyone so they don't feel singled out. If you really feel strongly about them holding baby, you can try to limit the amount of time they hold the baby by just taking over or putting the baby in an infant seat/bouncer. And of course, insist they smoke outside ONLY. Its your baby, and you have a right to be concerned and not feel guilty about it.

My DS is due the end of December and my MIL is a chain smoker is very 'into' her rights as a smoker, and has no common courtesy regarding smoking (A lot of smokers do these days, since it has become so socially unacceptable. As a smoker I would never light up in the company of non-smokers, unless maybe outdoors. I also NEVER smoked around children or pregnant woman!). I am worried about what will occur when we visit or she baby-sits. Its hard, you don’t want to insult people or start family feuds, but I practically have a hard attack just imagining her standing over crib with a lit cigarette in hand!!! I have to figure out how to handle that one……

Good luck

[etwahl]

It really is a difficult and touchy subject. I think I'm so sensitive about the subject because my health has been so negatively affected due to cigarette smoke. The sinus problems I've had throughout my life have very negatively affected the quality of my life. I once had a chronic sinus infection for a year straight. Finally the doctors recommended surgery and it was a pretty good fix for about five years.

You're lucky that your relatives at least refrain from smoking when you are in their home. While mine don't smoke in my own house, when we go to theirs, smoking is a social event. Last Christmas (before I was pregnant) I ended up with a sinus infection that lasted 3.5 months. This made my trip very miserable and my work life after the fact unbearable. My doctors have told me that this pattern will continue unless I avoid smoke, medication or not.

Anyway, I do think that making each person wash their hands before holding the baby is a good idea. And besides, as a new mom, I really can't see me be willing to give my baby over to anyone for a very long period of time.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[Rachels]

You're the mom-- you get to decide what is and is not okay with you about your baby's safety. I am also adamant that my baby not be exposed to smoke. The health risks are just unquestionable. I think I would let somebody hold my baby if their hands were clean, but I'd be chewing my nails the whole time knowing that their smoky clothes were touching her. And we just wouldn't spend time in the home of someone who smoked. The same is true of smoky restaurants.

I used to worry a lot more about not offending people, and of course I still try to be as tactful as possible, but my baby's well-being just trumps social niceties. I would rather have an awkward moment among adults than to do something that knowingly puts her wellness at risk. I breastfeed in public because she gets hungry in public, I avoid smoke because I don't want her breathing that stuff, I ask strangers not to touch her hands because I wouldn't be comfortable with strangers putting their fingers in her mouth (and it's basically the same thing). I've found that most people are willing to be pretty accommodating, and that those who aren't don't change my mind about what's best for my daughter. Stick to your guns (which, incidentally, we don't allow around here, either)!

-Rachel
Mommy to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[egoldber]

I understand your dilemma. My mother is a chain smoker. We have always insisted that she not smoke in our home with which she readily complies. After Sarah was born, both my MIL (non-smoker) and my mother (smoker) came to stay, although not at the same time!!! I too was concerned about the smoke smell before the baby was born, but to be honest after DD was born, I was grateful to have someone help me out, I didn't care if her clothes smelled like smoke. In fact, my mother was much more helpful than my MIL since she is very good with children and my MIL is not. The smoking was really a non-issue.

The few times we have visited my parents since DD was born (they live 9 hours away), my mom has voluntarily not smoked inside HER OWN home, without me asking. Their house, of course, still reeks of smoke, but I figure that for a few hours a few times a year it can't be that bad. And it is certainly not worth depriving my mother of time with her grandchild. (We always stay in a hotel when we visit my parents since their home is very small and they don't have any spare bedrooms.)

If my mom lived closer, it might be a bigger issue, but as long as the visits are infrequent, my personal opinion is that it's not with making waves about and damaging my relationship with my mom. I did talk to my ped about this and he assured us that casual exposure to smokers is not AT ALL the same living on a routine basis in a household where ciagrettes are actively being smoked. Why not ask your ped, it may give you some peace.

HTH,

[KathyO]

I agree. While routine exposure to airborne smoke is bad, just occasional exposure to the smell in someone's clothes is probably not harmful. But if you feel that strongly about it, you could use the solution a friend of mine used with her smoking MIL: as well as asking that she not smoke in the house, Dana provided a huge, comfy sweatshirt that MIL put on over her smoke-smelling clothes when she wanted to hold the baby. All parties were satisfied with this solution.

Good luck,

KathyO

[etwahl]

Thank you everyone for your feedback. I feel pretty comfortable with having each person wash their hands and knowing that our baby will be safe. It is nice to have others who've experienced similar situations to get feedback from.

Thanks again!

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[brubeck]

On the same vein as making EVERYONE wash their hands (therefore not singling out the smokers) you could suggest that everyone use a lap blanket (make it a big one) or drape a special blanket over themselves before holding the baby because 'it makes baby more comfy'.

You know how they have those special blankies that Mom is supposed to wear against herself, then give to baby so baby can smell Momm'y scent and be comforted? Why not use one of those and make sure the baby is well wrapped in it before being given to the relatives? Of course the real reason would be that it provides a barrier against smoky clothes, but you could claim it was because you didn't want baby being distressed at being passed around so much.

Just a thought.

[Momof3Labs]

That's exactly what I was thinking!! Another excuse is that baby is sensitive to different laundry detergents/fabric softeners, and needs to have his own blanket next to his skin. . .

Lori
mommy to Colin Daniel 9/28/02

[Melanie]

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. As a matter of fact, when my son was a newborn the doctor said that if anyone smokes (even outside) they should change their shirt before holding the baby (& also no wood-burning fires FYI). Blame it on your doctor if you don't want to directly offend the relatives. When we have smoking relatives over, we already have the ashtray set up outside. These days, no one even expects to smoke inside anyhow.

Also, regarding the hand-washing, we just told everyone that we're sure our gate/doorbell/doorknob/whatever isn't all that clean & they had to touch it on the way in, so could they please wash their hands first.

Mommy to Jonah

[megsmom]

My MIL came to help after our baby was born and I absolutely needed her to help, holding the baby included. She is a smoker and also wears a lot of perfume (probably to cover up the smoke smell). I was kind of sensitive about the issue given that my husband has asthma and we have lots of allergies in the family, too, but the blanket solution worked well for us. She only ever smokes out of doors here so it was just the residue on her clothes that would have been an issue. I also gave dd a bath if she smelled smoky (to be honest the perfume smell was worse!) before I put her to bed for the night to make me feel better.

Causing rifts with family is also not a good thing to do, so I would hope you can find a solution to it. Honesty may be the best. Depending on how comfortable you are with them, you could ask that they not smoke and why or try the barrier thing. You could mention that you're really trying hard to cut down on allergens for yourself since you've had such a rocky time of it with the sinuses. I would hope that they could be sensitive to this if you are on good terms.

Jen
mom to Meghan
born 7/13/01

[sntm]

There can be enough residual smoke on clothes to trigger symptoms in someone who is predisposed. I always encouraged parents of my asthmatic pediatric patients to only smoke outside and wear a special jacket or shirt over their clothes. It does depend on how much and where people smoke -- some smokers you can't smell at all, others leave a taint in the elevator after they get off! Short term, it probably doesn't cause any harm but it sure can be unpleasant.

You may get some flack from relatives over this, but I think if you feel strongly about it, you are definitely justified. I plan on being pretty tough with my sister when the baby comes (also because I'm still trying to get her to quit!)

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03