need some reassurance... (warning: mild/mod ranting) [Archive]

sntm

11-29-2002, 06:30 PM

Already feeling like a bad mom! We had our first ultrasound the day before Thanksgiving, which I was really looking forward to, but I felt so detached while I was watching it. Part of me was looking at it very clinically, identifying structures, etc. The other part of me was just feeling very weirded out, the way I felt when I first heard the heartbeat. I feel a little guilty about this -- I have wanted a baby for so long (as everybody here knows ;) and expected the whole delighted crying thing like the 4-D u/s commercial where they play "the first time ever I saw your face..." What is wrong with me?!?!? DH didn't help -- he got that silly/blase look that he got at our wedding, though I could tell later that he was really excited. He's just not good at big shows of emotion. I guess I'm not usually either, but I expected more with something like this!

I've also been really conflicted about work. My chief/good friend just had a baby 3 months ago and he and his wife (an OB) have really been struggling since she went back to work to spend time with the baby and make sure someone can pick him up from daycare, etc. I was telling him I am worried about being unable to avoid being a bad mom or a bad doctor, and he says that is exactly the way he feels. I'm already scaling back my career plans, but even then it doesn't feel like enough. I'm almost afraid to read that new book "I Don't Know How She Does It" because I see it just reinforcing how much it will suck trying to be a good mom and still working!

Plus I am so ready to not be nauseated and not be tired! I had a decent day yesterday, no vomiting all day and was even able to eat almost a whole plate at Thanksgiving (I was the only one not upset that it took until 5:30 for the meal to be ready!) Then I throw up again this morning!

Tell that me this will get better, and that I will start feeling more mom-like and not just mom-consumer/projectleader-like...

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

megsmom

11-29-2002, 07:22 PM

I never cried during any ultrasounds, either. Even when Meg was born and you woulda thought that after all of my terror that she would be born a preemie, I would be bawling all over the place. Nope. Not one tear. (Tons later with the PPD, but another story). I remember feeling mostly shocked and as if I was watching the whole thing on TV rather than experiencing it. They put her on my stomach and I remember not knowing what to do and just being stunned. I was almost relieved when the nurse took her from me to be assessed so I could lay back and just process the whole thing. It's weird experiencing a medical event and being a health care worker I think. It's part of our training to step back and be detached so we can do our jobs. It's only natural that you would do the same thing to yourself too. I did. I even had my baby in the same hospital where I work and had to walk past my dept on the way to the delivery room. That was weird.
Sometimes the things you have planned for/hoped for for so long seem almost surreal when they are actually happening. I remember the same weird, kind of shocked state when I got married too. I was engaged for 2 1/2 years and most days it felt like we were never gonna get there. Same for you, maybe, having this baby! :)

Anyway, don't put too much pressure on yourself, Shannon. You feel sick and exhausted and no one should be judged in that state. I can't even imagine having to scrub in and look at open guts with morning sickness! You are to be applauded. :) I, too had so many fears about having to work and be a good mom at the same time. It's all gone much better than I expected. Not to say it's not been challenging and that some days we leave the house late and totally discombobulated, but most days it goes okay since we have a good routine. I honestly think that some women are better moms when they have a job outside the home. Just remember no reality is perfect, no one is a perfect mom, that's just for those kodak commercials!!! :) You'll have strong emotions at some point, don't worry. You'll also feel like a bad mom plenty of times during the little one's life. We all do. But I have every confidence you'll be a darn good mom and a darn good surgeon too. Right now look forward to nausea ending (hopefully!) and it's not too many more weeks until you feel the kicking around in there. That's when I started feeling really connected.

Jen
mom to Meghan
born 7/13/01

Rachels

11-29-2002, 08:28 PM

Oh, Shannon, please be gentle with yourself! I promise the mom thing will develop in its own time. What you're feeling is every bit as normal as the crying-at-the-ultrasound feelings are. You're going through a total upheaval in every aspect of your life: physical, emotional, relational, fiscal...Your body and your identity are changing, and it's absolutely fine that that doesn't strike you as entirely roses and light every minute. Motherhood has a tremendous number of gifts, but becoming a mother also entails some losses. To need to grieve those, or just to need to back off from the excited feelings, is perfectly defensible. And trying to stay completely delighted all the time when you're exhausted and nauseous is just asking too much of yourself. You wouldn't expect somebody with a three-month FLU to be cheery all the time.

For a lot of people, the baby does stay very weird and abstract for much of the pregnancy and sometimes even for a while after the birth. You've never grown a human before; it's natural to find it unfamiliar. I agree that feeling movement helps, but I also remember feelings of irritation when my baby would kick while I was trying to sleep, or hiccup while I was trying to conduct a therapy session. When she was born, I greeted her first, and then the second sentence out of my mouth was, "I just had a baby!" I was completely astonished. Like you, I had wanted a baby forever and was so excited to be pregnant, and by the end felt very connected to her, and it still just entirely blindsided me to see this little person emerge from my own insides. That feeling hasn't worn off in the slightest, but I have added to it a feeling of greater love and gratitude than I've ever previously imagined. I would do anything for my daughter. So will you.

As far as careers go, you're in good company there, too. It's hard. Moms are expected to somehow do it all, and of course, you only have so much of you to go around. There is no right answer about whether to work a lot or a little or to be a stay at home mom. You will learn what works best for you and your family, and you'll modify those plans as your child grows. Whatever you decide to do will be the right choice for you.

Hang in there, friend. I know how tough it can be, and I don't have any worries about what kind of mom you will be. Just be patient as it evolves...

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

KathyO

11-29-2002, 08:54 PM

Hey, I am the original weepie (I cry for long-distance telephone commercials, and even for a couple of hardware store ads...) and I didn't cry at either of my ultrasounds. Mostly what I remember is the technician pointing out the baby's kidneys, and me thinking, "Kidneys! I forgot kidneys! Of course it needs kidneys!" as if I were somehow responsible for ensuring that all the parts got put in...

I got pregnant during the summer when my mother, sister and I were taking shifts nursing my dying grandmother. Of course, I was delighted to have good news to give her, but frankly, a lot of the time, I just plain forgot I was pregnant. I felt guilty for not being more excited and anticipatory. I didn't feel like a mom. I worried that I'd be a bad mother. I worried that I wouldn't like the baby. I worried that the baby wouldn't like ME. It all seems so stupid now, but at the time it was so real.

When the baby arrived after 44 hours of labour and several days previous of bad sleep, I was relieved that she was here and okay, but I still couldn't "make it real". After being so happy that rooming-in was the policy at my hospital, I yearned for the nurses to take this endlessly-demanding little bundle away for just a couple of hours so I could close my aching eyes. When the GP asked how I was doing, I burst into tears. Everyone else was loving this baby! Why wasn't I? Where was my overwhelming wash of maternal joy and devotion?? What kind of horrible emotionless mother was I?

That lovely, warm, moony state crept in by degrees, as I snatched more sleep, got better at nursing, ate some decent food and got down off the hormone roller coaster. But it still took a while to feel like Someone's Mom. Now I can't imagine being anything else, or not being Mom to this particular child.

As to how being a working mom is going to work out, and whether you've scaled back enough... you won't know until you get there. The largest part of parenthood is making it up as you go along. Add this to the list, and be ready to modify if needed. You may find it goes more smoothly than you think. Plan on feeling a certain amount of guilt no matter what you do. (Heck, you'll feel guilty the first time you go have a coffee without the baby! I think we're just wired for it.)

Good luck on the nausea/fatigue front. Hang in there! If it's any consolation, my friend with the most hideous morning sickness (both times around) had unbelievably short labours (4 hours and 30 minutes respectively) and two gifted, gorgeous children, who slept through the night within a few weeks. Fate will balance the scales, I firmly believe!

Cheers,

KathyO

jojo2324

11-30-2002, 01:15 AM

Oh Shannon, hang in there! The morning sickness will pass! I remember when I hit 12 weeks I was just bawling and screaming, like a magic switch was supposed to go off. I ended up feeling pretty lousy for about 4 months, but one day you'll just wake up and start pigging out and totally love it! I know you don't believe it, but it does get better. And then you can send Chip out for all your different cravings. Shawn never went for me though :(

I never cried at any of my ultrasounds. I had no idea what I was looking at. I remember one incident where DH exclaimed, "Look, there's his head!" To which the u/s tech replied, "No, that's his butt." And all the stuff about the three parts of the umbilical cord went completely over my head. DH cried when we heard the heartbeat for the first time, but I was just relieved to hear it, you know? I felt really guilty about it, like I was really detached and uncaring. To be completely honest, I never really felt like I was actually having a baby, even up until the labor. I think I am such a worrywart that I didn't want to get attached just in case...But that's always been my way.

I had a long labor, I was tired and shvetty and nasty and hungry and thirsty and just plain old annoyed at the entire nursing staff (and that damn anesthesiologist...Where is he?!?!). We were going through a horrible heat wave with four days of 100+ degree temperatures. Once DS finally made his entrance I really was past the point of being into it. DH cried and was really happy, but I was just beat. That's one thing that's stayed with me, how completely unexcited I was after the delivery, and I feel so guilty about it still.

But I am so smitten now. I can't believe it's 5 months on Monday. It feels like forever and yesterday at the same time. There are times when I wonder what on earth it is I'm doing, but then other times my heart just breaks I love him so much. Today DH took him for 20 minutes to get some bagels. I was really excited to have some time to myself and got down to business, cleaned the bathroom, did a load of laundry. (Believe me, it will seem luxurious to you too! :P) But after 15 minutes of him not being around I started to get really antsy and had to fight the urge to call DH and ask where they were. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground.

Don't worry, you are completely normal! And the nausea will go away, it really does. We're here for you.

mama2be

11-30-2002, 08:43 AM

OH Shannon you'll be an excellent mother...I can tell!!! I think my biggest fear with getting pregant is that I relized long ago "to be a mother is to feel guilty (mostly self induced) always!!!! I just have always seen that in my friends, and bless everyone's heart it's not fair. Knowing that I have felt this way I try to catch myself now so I won't feel that way.

I can't address morning sicknes and all...didn't have it...

I think a lot of the Ultrasound experience is based on the "atmosphere" of the ultrasound...the tech, nurse or MD who is giving it. You're in the "biz" so you probably can relate to that. My OB was typing words on my US pictures that said "see ya later mom and dad" etc...etc... so I felt warm and fuzzy. BUT last year when I miscarried and had my first US the tech was cold and I hated every minute of it, and mind you I thought I had a healthy baby in there so that was not the issue.

It sounds like you are struggeling with the career vs mommy route...and that is a hard one, if our economy here in Raleigh had not bottomed out I too would have struggeled with that. Since my company downsized 2 weeks before I got pregnant that took care of that (at least for awhile). My largest advice there is to approach women (mainly surgeons...I know there are only few...glad that is changing:):):))...but to approach mothers of children who are surgeons and carry that kind of call etc...pick ones you admire and just really sit down and milk them for info on how they did it. I go to folks that I look up to and wonder how they do it and ask them. I have found even the most driven, hard core career women will sit down and answer such questions. My girlfriends and I struggle with this so much. Seek those women out and be honest with them and let them know "I admire the way you seem to juggle family, "call schedules", etc...any advice for a young mom who is terrified"...

Hang in there!!!

nigele

11-30-2002, 10:07 AM

Shannon,

As for the guilt, Neve is right - it is just a fact of motherhood. The fact that you are experiencing guilt is a sign that you are ready to be a mom! During my first trimester, I was so sick and also afraid of having a miscarriage but my OB reassured me that morning sickness indicates a healthy pregnancy - concentrating on that fact kept me sane those first few months! The morning sickness will soon be just a memory for you, so hang in there. During my labor, I had pushed for over three hours to avoid a C-Section (I'll skip over the scary details) and the OB had to use a vacuum to pull the baby out. The reason I could not easily get him out was because he was coming out crooked and was very big for my pelvis. He ended up with a HUGE hematoma on his head which eventually led to jaundice and further medical treatment. Talk about guilt - I cried for weeks every time I looked at my baby's swollen head. I felt it was my fault as I should have just had the C-Section instead of insisting I could push him out. Everybody kept telling me it was not my fault and to stop worrying, but I could not help it. The hormones and emotions are all-consuming.

Please hang in there - you will be a great Mom!

spu

11-30-2002, 12:24 PM

Hi Shannon,

I know what you mean. I had alot of the same feelings while I was pg too. It was my first (and twins to boot!) and we went through alot of weird emotions. I didn't tell anyone for so long so it really didn't hit me until about a month after they were born that I was even pregnant! Plus, I spent weeks 18-34 on bedrest so no one even saw me pregnant.

The one thing I learned is no matter what you're feeling and thinking now, it may all change once you see and get to know your baby. I always thought I'd go back to work too, esp. after having spent so many years on my education and career, but once I started spending time with the babies, I knew I couldn't go back. (at least not now.) There's nothing more rewarding than pulling a big boogie out of your babies nose! :)

You're probably going to go through so many different thoughts and feelings throughout your pregnancy. It helped me alot to keep a journal and write everything down a few times a week. It helps after a few weeks to look back and see what you were feeling at the time.

As far as the ultrasounds and dr.s visits, it is a little clinical, but in a way, that's ok because the most important thing at the moment is to make sure everything is going well. Can they give you polaroids or video to take home? My dr. let us even bring in our own video to tape me having the ultrasounds and hearing the heartbeats. Over the weeks, it was amazing to see the growth. Eventually, the babies got so big in there that we couldn't even tell what we were looking at, but I could feel them moving all the time!

If you do have a c-section, don't worry a bit. I had one and have a bunch of friends that had one, and I don't know know anyone who would have changed a thing. My babies were both head down and we were induced. I went in at 4 cm dilated already and the induction lasted 15 hours. On top of that, I had a good 3 hours of pushing and the first baby only made it to +1. So we opted for a c and it was wonderful. I got to watch my DH cut the cord and weigh the babies using my video camera (being careful not to look down! :) ) Next time, I'll probably do a scheduled c since I was so tired from all the labor.

Do you have a new mom's club or a LLL group you could join while you're pregnant? I couldn't get out with the bedrest, but I talked alot with other moms via email and that helped soooo much.

Try not to worry too much and if you do, remind yourself that it's ok and you're totally normal for feeling anything that you feel. Keep us posted! You're doing GREAT!!

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

mamahill

11-30-2002, 02:29 PM

Oh Shannon -- this is called pregnancy hormones! Like Kathy, I cry at EVERYTHING. But when we found out I was pregnant, I just stood there. About an hour later I began to tear up and DH said, "FINALLY!" I got teary at the first heartbeat, but at the ultrasounds, I just giggled. I think the hardest thing for me was as I got nearer D-Day I began to really agonize over that initial bond. I had dreams that the baby came out and I just looked at it and thought, "Ok, I guess she's cute. I'm supposed to think she's beautiful, right?" I have always wanted to be a stay-at-home-mom, but I began to worry that I wouldn't even like my baby. And then the whole breastfeeding thing began to really stress me out. I just could NOT imagine someone sucking on my breasts for their nutritional sustenance. Ugh! But then an amazing thing happened -- out she came, and I liked her instantly. Not love, mind you, but I wasn't disappointed. When the pediatrician took her over to the warmer to get her cleaned off, I looked over and her little hand shot up and began waving furiously back and forth, like she was saying "Hi mom!" And that was when that first motherly instinct washed over me and I knew that I would love her forever, that I would do anything for her, and that I would be the best mother to her that I possibly could.

You'll be great! I look back at pregnancy and think, "Man, that was a WEIRD time." It is still hard to comprehend that Ainsleigh grew inside me and is now living and breathing on her own. Hang in there - you'll make a wonderful mother. You'll be the best mother there is to your little baby! Take care.

dd_ani

11-30-2002, 03:07 PM

Shannon-

I know exactly where you are coming from. It is only natural when you work in the health care field (I am a veterinarian) to approach things from sort of a detatched perspective anyway. And being in the field, you know the kind of problems to look for and that makes you all the more vigilant and clinical when you are the patient. (In our case, we have some medical problems with infertility/early miscarriage. So, even on the ultrasound I had the day they decided to induce labor 2 weeks late, I was looking for and expecting them to tell me there were problems, even though all the doctors said things were perfect.)

As for being a good mother and a good doctor, I have two pieces of advice: First, you will find that the qualities that make you good at one compliment the other. You will be a more compassionate doctor because you are a mother, and you will be a better mother if you take pride in your "other life," whatever you choose that to be (including SAHM if that is your choice.)

My second piece of advice, which until recently I have been too bull-headed and addle-brained to accept myself, is to realize you can't do everything. Sure, easy to say, difficult to do. Especially when, having lived through medical school you think you are trained to save the world on a cup of coffee and 10 minutes of sleep a week. That may be, but you will be a lot happier if you figure out what is really important and let someone else take care of the rest. In addition to being mommy and a veterinarian, I also help run my husband's business. And I did all the yard work, kept up the house, did the errands, etc. But the time with your child is precious, so if you can get someone else to clean or to do the yardwork, or whatever other unimportant-but-what-will-the-neigbors-say or dear-god-don't-let-my-mother-see-the-house-like-this chores, do it. Little things to simplify your life help alot. And take time for yourself without guilt -- you will be a better mommy/doctor if you do.

Hang in there -- the morning sickness gets better and the exhaustion does too (Until someone is up all night, but that's a few months away yet!) And it is a good opportunity for you to evaluate how you will juggle things later. And you will do just fine.

Hope this helps,

Michelle

sntm

12-01-2002, 12:45 PM

Thanks so much, everyone. I was just having one of those days where everything builds up. I'm still not feeling as "connected" as I want to be with the baby, but I'm hoping that once the baby starts moving that will get better. It's a little tough just because there isn't anyone I can talk to IRL about a lot of this -- none of the female surgeons here have kids or are even married and the women I do know who are pregnant or have kids are wives of residents, mostly SAHM. I went to their monthly get-together a couple of weeks ago and we were just in different worlds. And talking with the male residents?!? Forget about it!

This has been really helpful, though -- I feel like I can trust everyone here to understand and tell the truth. I know what great moms you are -- if everyone has their weird moments, I don't feel so guilty about mine.

Nausea is much better now (maybe I should have complained earlier???) and I've gone 48 hrs without vomiting and eating 2+ meals a day. Hooray for leftovers!

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

nigele

12-01-2002, 12:57 PM

Shannon,

You are so right - once the baby moves you start to see him or her as a real little person rather than just a concept.

Take care - we are all here for you!

Caroline99

12-01-2002, 07:17 PM

I was really looking forward to my U/S as well...until I got there and realized how boring it was. I knew in advance that I wouldn't be impressed by the photos they give you at the end, because I've seen so many friends' U/S shots and thought, "OK, gray grainy blob," but I thought that I would have a Rachel-on-Friends moment where I'd feel teary-eyed or something. Nope. It's been over a month since my U/S so maybe the time lapse has allowed me to reflect and get over everything, but I don't feel like being slightly bored and/or disappointed at my U/S means that I am or will be a bad mother.

Pregnancy is kind of cool but at the same time, I don't think it should take over my life. I'm still a person with interests outside of my pregnancy and/or the baby. Just now I have a little basketball where my belly was and have to be more careful about what I do/eat/drink. :) I think all women go through stages where they are bored or sick of being pregnant. The fact that we have wacky hormones doesn't help either!

I can't relate to the working stuff, although I did go through a period of time where I was like, "Wait! I don't want to be a SAHM!!" as I had previously thought I would. Most people have told me that you really don't know HOW you're going to feel until the baby arrives. I've adopted this philosophy as my own and have decided not to stress out about what life/work will be like after the baby comes because I honestly won't know until it is my reality.

Anyway, I hope it helps a bit to know that you're not alone.

Caroline

COElizabeth

12-01-2002, 09:09 PM

Not only did I not cry happily at my ultrasound, I ruined the experience for DH! I was so intent on us not finding out the sex accidentally that I hardly looked at the screen, and I spent the whole time yelling at DH not to look, either. ( We had told the technician we didn't want to know the sex, but this was going on during the part where she was checking out things for herself before showing us things, and when I asked if we would be able to see the sex if we looked, she said we might). I still feel bad that I prevented DH from enjoying it. Also, I didn't feel very "connected" even when my baby started kicking. He didn't really kick all that much, and that made me worried (I was a little obsessed because I was having to do "kick counts" and have non-stress tests all the time while I was on bed rest with preeclampsia). I also didn't shed a tear when I witnessed my namesake niece's birth last summer - I was just so interested in watching everything - even though I had cried standing outside the door when her big brother was born. I'm sure your own crying will come! I completely broke down in tears when I went to the delivery room about 36 hours after my son's birth looking for my street clothes, which had gotten left behind in a corner of the bathroom. Now I can't even think of the LDR room without getting emotional. I'm very sure you will feel the whole range of emotions in due time. Don't worry about when or where or how or compare yourself to others - you will feel everything you can imagine - and more! Having a baby is an incredible experience, and part of what makes it so amazing is that it produces not just one emotion but all of them. Another part is that you just can't predict when you will be overcome with love, fear, bewilderment, fatigue, irritation, wonder, and joy. You are in for a real trip, as my OB (who has 3 of her own) said!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

jojo2324

12-02-2002, 10:16 AM

You know what I was just thinking about? We should all really stop watching Baby Story. That show does nothing but make me feel horrible! I think I have seen one episode where the woman was completely screaming during labor. And her husband passed out. But then I saw the episode where the woman says "Uh oh" and the baby just kinda pops out while the husband is running to get some (angry-looking) nurses. And everybody cries. Heck, I cry at the end of every episode, which makes me feel worse because I didn't cry at my own delivery.

And of course at the end of every episode is a sleeping baby. (Conveniently through an interview!) And better than that, they lay down AWAKE and go to sleep. And they all happily chug their bottles and go to town on their pacifiers. (No help needed with those!) How old are they when they go back to follow up, six weeks?

I'm thinking about the one where the woman hired a safety specialist to come to her home and examine everything before the baby was born. I don't even use the safety straps on his high chair (or the changing table...ssshhh). And what about all of the pet therapists? By the time Gannon is crawling, I'll make sure I move the food bowls so he doesn't sample some Meow Mix. Hopefully we can avoid an altercation by doing that.

Don't know if this made anyone feel better other than myself, perhaps I should have gone under the Bitching Post. Hope you're feeling better Shannon!

cara1

12-02-2002, 11:53 AM

Shannon,
At my first u/s (9weeks), my husband and I looked at it and I didn't really feel much at all. He put his arm on my shoulder and we both smiled. Later we confessed that we sort of "put on a show" for the doctor, trying to look all gooey so she wouldnl't think we were crazy and disinterested. We also looked at it rather clinically (we're both physicians). So could go on and on about guilt and career goals changing....Feel free to e-mail me if you want.
-Cara

sntm

12-02-2002, 12:23 PM

am sending you an email -- let me know if it doesn't go through

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

egoldber

12-02-2002, 05:13 PM

I know this is probably impossible, but I would really try not to worry too much about juggling work and a baby at this point. I would wait until you have your baby to see how you feel. Many women who think they really want to be a SAHM find out during their maternity leave that being home all day is not for them. And likewise, many very career oriented women who thought they would NEVER want to be a SAHM (me, me!!) discover that they love being home. Or you may want something in between. And it doesn't matter what you choose, SOMEONE will criticize you. You need to make your decision based on what is best for you and your family.

HTH,