Selecting a legal guardian for your will.

[etwahl]

I know this is the last thing most people want to have to think about when having a baby, but I feel like we must figure this out just in case something ever happened to us (which I hope never does).

I just have some questions for others on how they dealt with this issue.

1. Is the term Godparent appropriate?

2. When asking someone, would you also plan that the same person would be the guardian for ALL your children?

3. How do you ask someone this very important question? And how do you make it known to them that it's OK to say no, because it is such a big deal. I hate to think someone would feel bad for saying no, but don't really want the responsibility.

4. At what point after your baby is born do you actually ask this question and have it put into your will?

Any other advice or questions I've missed here would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[kathsmom]

Hi, Tammy!

You are on top of things more than we were. We didn't get a will done until DD was about 4 years old. We were always busy and forgot, and we didn't have a lawyer. When we decided to increase our life insurance, our agent put us in touch with a lawyer friend of his who was great and really helped us out.

DH and I thought really hard about who we would like to take care of DD if something happened to us. We decided on my brother and his wife. I called my brother on the phone (we live about 2 hours from them), and told him that I needed to ask him a question. I asked him if he and his wife would be the guardians of DD, and he did not hesitate to say "yes". I am the one who told him that it was perfectly fine to say "no" and that they would not hurt our feelings at all, because it is a big responsibility to take someone else's child. He still said "OK". I told him to take his time and talk it over with his wife, because I didn't want them to feel pressured to make a decision on the spot. They called back later that week and agreed to be the guardians of DD.

When we had the will drawn up, my brother and his wife were named guardian of our DD and any future children we might have. We named my brother as executor of the will and trustee of the money left behind to support DD and any other children.

When we found out that we were pregnant with DS, I called my brother and asked him if it was still OK with him and his wife to be the guardian of our children, because they had had another baby in the time since our will was first done. I just didn't know if they could handle having my 2 kids, plus their 2 kids. Again, they didn't hesitate to say "yes".

We need to have our will updated to have DS's name put in, although he is covered with the "additional children" clause. We are going to be moving to NC sometime soon (I hope!) and will have to have another will drawn up, because each state is different in their requirements.

I would ask whomever you are interested in having as guardian of your child now or soon after birth. As soon as you have settled on the guardian, get the will drawn up. If you already have a lawyer in mind, you might want to go ahead and talk to him/her and tell him/her that you want to find out more about wills and see if they might be able to start the process of having one drawn up, and then completing it when a guardian is chosen and has agreed.

Good luck with everything!

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[mama2be]

Im my case (though I have no idea what the norm is)...just describing our case...I will be asking my best friend and DH's hubby to be the god parents. I do not want either to feel financial stress in buying gifts at every turn of events, and recently overheard a women telling her pregnant daughter that it is the god parents responsibility to buy a christening gown for the baby (?????)....anyway I am going to stress to them that I do not want their energy or finances put into my child (I hope they will have their own children to do that with). so in my case I looked at the god parents in that light, becasue they are two different households.

After 9-11 I approached my small family in tears over what would happen to my dogs (baby was far from the mind then) if something happened to Steve and myself. After some time my mother emailed me back and said, "we don't want three dogs....BUT if something happened to the two of you we would supply them a great home with us". My parents are financially able to take care of our kid (s) if something happened to us and thus I will be listing them as the guardian. I will ask my best friend in the event of something happening to my parents if she would be the guardian. By doing this I would also make certain that she is left with the finances to do this. that is where a lot of folks don't think about it, and when you ask someone I would assure them that they will be listed in your will.

I am very interested in what other folks have to say here because I, like you, have thought about this BUT actually conversing about it is something I have not done...and am very interested in what is "normal" and advice out there on how to do this...

Great question!!!

[blnony]

Toni-
I just thought I would offer a my opinion (I am an attorney) but in no way does this represent a legal opinion (I have to include this!) -you don't have to have another will drawn up just because you move to another state. As long as you followed the legal requirements of the state you were residing in when you executed you first will, it will be legal from then on. This may save you a little in legal fees. If you decide to change the terms of the will, and are living in another state, then you would have to have new papers drawn up according to that state's law.
HTH-

[kathsmom]

Brianna,

Thank you so much for letting me know that! We are definitely about saving money if possible! The only change would be to add DS's name to the will, but our lawyer assured us that any future children would be covered with the "additional children" clause. I would just feel better about having DS's name added just in case something could go wrong. Would that count as changing the will? Would you just suggest leaving it the way it is? Please let me know when you get a chance!

Neve,
We thought just like you did about the finances for the children.We didn't want my brother and his wife to have to foot the bill for our kids, so we increased our life insurance policies significantly. They would have to buy a bigger house to accomodate all of them if something happened to us. We made sure there would be enough to help with that and with the kids' education, clothes, etc. Yes, the old adage that you are worth more dead than alive holds true with us!! LOL!!

Toni

[mama2be]

funny!!!! I always remind hubby of that, we are worth more dead...a lot more sad to say...

ALSO something that was brought to my attention once...stay at home moms need life insurance as much as anyone ON THEM!!!! Spouses need to beable to send children to child care etc if SAHMs are not around. This as we know can get expensive...a neighbor told me this and then a guy on Oprah (I know I always quote the Oprah show....LOVE IT)...but I never would have thought about that and it makes total sense...

[Momof3Labs]

We just went through all of this estate planning, and here's what we did.

We asked my brother and his wife to be guardians. They are in their 20's, no kids yet but love kids, and readily agreed. (They were actually honored to be asked - that we thought enough of them as people and future parents to allow them to raise our children, should something happen to both of us.) We set up a living revocable trust for our life insurance proceeds and the rest of our estate, and the trust will be used for the benefit of our children should something happen to us. And we picked up enough life insurance so that my SIL wouldn't have to work, they could buy a bigger house, etc.

We will use the same guardians for all of our children - I wouldn't want to split them up after losing us - way too much trauma for them, I think!

You can ask before the baby is born and have it put into your will - there is language that is used such that you don't have to name every child, saving the trouble of updating it each time a baby is born.

Lori & Colin 9/28/02

[blnony]

Toni-
Adding or changing a name would be like starting over, it is a modification. I would leave it the way it is. Your son would be included by the additional clause, as would any other children you have. Many attorneys add clauses like the one you described for this reason, many people aren't eager to take care of their estate planning, and often when one does make a will, not so much with a trust which is usually changed often, they don't change it or forget about it.
If you decide to change the guardian or decide to change other terms, then you should see an attorney and have a new will drawn up, or set up a living trust. But for peace of mind, the one you have now will be fine.

[COElizabeth]

Just 2 things to add to the above:

First, you may want to name an additional back-up guardian if, as is our case, the first choice of guardians is someone you travel with often (or even just ride around town in a car with). It's probably a very remote possibility that you would need that second choice, but it gives me extra assurance.

Second, when your child or children are older, you may consider telling them about your choice. My mom told me that my sister and I would live with one of my aunts if anything happened to her and my father, and she explained that they had chosen that one (I have several) because they thought her household would provide an environment most similar to the one we were in (e.g. kids the same age, city vs. rural, similar schools, etc.). It might upset some kids to discuss this, but since I was (and still am!) a huge worrywart, it was very reassuring to me. I didn't think about it a lot; it was just one of those things I had in the back of my mind, and it was comforting. Finally, I wholeheartedly agree on keeping the kids together!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[sntm]

Good reminder! I keep forgetting all of this other essential stuff - like adding the baby to the health insurance, picking a pediatrician (I picked an OB, aren't I done yet?), ensuring our life insurance is adequate, getting disability insurance (right now if I get hurt, I d*** well better die 'cause we couldn't afford to pay off my school loans if I can't practice medicine!), a will...

shannon
not-even-pregnant-yet-overachiever
trying-to-conceive :)
PREGNANT! EDD 6/9/03

[sweetbasil]

When we had our will drawn up, we made sure we sat all close family members down to let them know who we designated for what. For now, my parents will be legal guardians of our little boy, my husband's parents are executors of the will, etc. We also asked that my parents share time with our little boy's other grandparents in the case of our deaths- of course they were more than willing, but it seemed to comfort everyone that it was discussed. I've heard of families getting into major battles over wills, etc., and wanted to be sure that we did our part to minimize that struggle in advance. Another thing we included was that all remaining money after getting everything sold, etc., would be invested (and how it was to be handled) to support our child/children in our absence.

It was not fun to think about, like you said, but we feel so much more at peace now that we know it has been resolved. We'll tell our little guy when he's older, so he knows we've planned for his care if something were to happen to us- by then, we'll probably have reconsidered guardians based on our parents' ages, health, etc. Best wishes!

[mama2be]

Isn't this post just a reminder to us to communicate our wishes to those around us...not just with the children guardian issues, but if somehting were to happen... where we want to rest or if we want a burial or cremation etc...etc...

and something dear to me, if you want to be an organ donor you need to let folks know...If you think just checking the box on your drivers license will ensure this it is sad to say that it does not. By checking it does give ER staff (hospital staff) somehting to show family members that might communicate with family your wishes BUT it does not in the least bit mean it will be done. Family needs to give that OK and I have witnessed one person not want it and then everything is out the door in such a time critical situation.

This is hard for all of us to imagine but I agree with a previous post if you know your desires are known it is more comforting now...and more comforting to those left to communicate your decisions. It seems far off for all of us...we're young families..., but make certain you know the wishes of elders around you as well...

[etwahl]

Just wanted to post an update regarding this. Last week, DH and I had dinner with our good friends (who are also hosting a baby shower for us) and asked them if they would be our baby's godparents and legal guardian if anything happened to both of us. We told them not to answer right away, and to think about it, as we knew it was a very big responsibility, and we would not feel bad if they said no.

They insisted on answering right away and told us that they were very honored to accept. She actually cried and said it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever asked her. I think they were in total shock, but in a good way. They really thought it was wonderful. They're great people and definitely want to help me out as much as possible. They've even offered to move me into their house, but I told them I'm just more comfortable at home. We're lucky to have such wonderful friends. I just wanted to share how our experience turned out with this!

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[sweetbasil]

That's great, Tammy. It's a relief to have such a serious matter taken care of already, and great to know that you've got such sweet friends close by to help out over the coming months.

[COElizabeth]

That's wonderful. It is so comforting to know that someone you trust and love will take care of your child if you are not able to. And your friend is right - I can't think of any honor greater than people wanting you to raise their child if they can't.

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[Magda]

Just an FYI:

In some religions (we're Catholic) godparents and gardians are not the same thing. But they can be the same people. Godparents are appointed that the child's baptism to aid in the child's religious education with the parents or in the place of parents. A gardian is who would take care of our child iiif something happened to us.

Some people may use the terms interchangably, some may not. You don't want any confusion.

Elaine

[etwahl]

We made sure to clarify that we wanted them to be the legal guardian in case something happened to us both (and that they would also get all financial assets) but that we would call this role "godparent". Our church doesn't do normal baptizing until the child is old enough to make the decision themselves. They do something else, though I can't recall what it's called. Have others experienced this as well?

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!