Post-partum depression or am I just feeling low?

[Annette_C]

Hi everyone. I hope you all had a nice Christmas. Mine was not very happy. In fact, first DH's mom went in the hospital on an emergency and is still there....after 25 days! Then, last week, my uncle (that was like a father to me) passed away suddenly. So, our big "Sabrina's First Christmas" dinner party was cancelled.
On top of all this, I've been having a very hard time adjusting to having a baby again, after all these years.
Please don't get me wrong. I love Sabrina with all my heart and I would gladly give my life for my kids but, lately, I've been thinking that I've lost everything I've worked so hard to achieve all these years. Among them, my freedom and my independence.
You read my bio; I've been through a lot, starting at a very young age. I gave, gave, gave, without asking anything in return. In the back of my mind, though, I knew that someday I would reap the fruit of my labor. I had just reached that point when I found out that I was expecting.
Now, I feel like my tape has been rewound(?) to 20 years ago and...here we go again! Can I do it again? I ask myself that all the time. Do I still have it in me? Will I ever have the chance to be on the receiving end? Will I ever be able to sit back and enjoy life?
I know that there is life after a child but I've been there, done that! And it took 20 years to get here! I now feel like I have no life....
I made an appointment to see someone (under my PCP's recommendation). I have to go on the 8th of Jan. I guess I'll find out if it's PPD or not.
I remember reading a couple of posts about having PPD, do my feelings sound familiar? Would you mind sharing how you felt and how you got diagnosed?
Thanks in advance.
Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[jojo2324]

Oh Annette, I'm sorry you're Christmas was surrounded by so much sadness. I hope you're MIL is doing better.

But I have to say, me too! I think I have heard that PPD can sometimes hit at about six months PP, which is where Sabrina and Gannon are right now. But you and I are at different ends of the spectrum...Where you've been there, done that, I'm right here, doing it. I've been in a funk for a few weeks and it's really starting to get me down. I feel like I can't get my act together at all. I know everyone says to let the house go, but it is beyond salvageable (?) at this point. Shawn is understanding about the house, but only to a certain point. He doesn't understand how I can be home all day and get absolutely nothing done. And honestly, neither do I. And I feel so bad, like I'm depriving him of a good mother and then the guilt starts.

I think it's a combination of cumulative exhaustion and just plain frustration with my baby. I love him, and each day he grows more and more, but I would love if once, just once, I could actually lay him down and not have him scream and kick off his socks. Or take a pacifier. Or a nap for that matter. He's great with everyone but then if he spots me, the crocodile tears start and they don't stop until the boob's out. Hopefully in the next few weeks I'll be able to get some health insurance and then maybe I can see someone too.

Sorry, I don't know if this helps you at all, but I am so blah right now, getting all of this out helps a little bit...

[Rachels]

Oh, you guys, it sounds like such a tough time for you both! Annette, I'm so sorry to hear about everything your family had to endure over the holidays.

My training is in psychology, and one of the most valuable things I've learned as a therapist is that diagnosis is overrated and even a little bit dangerous. To be diagnosed with depression, for example, you have to have five of nine particular symptoms over a two-week period. When you do the math, though, there wind up being something like eighty-five different combinations of symptoms that could qualify for a depression diagnosis. One person's experience may not resemble another's much at all. So if you're wondering whether you're depressed, comparing your experiences to someone else's may not give you a lot of helpful information and may keep you from getting the support you need.

I think it's infinitely more helpful to just ask yourself whether you're feeling good more often than not, whether you're satisfied and happy with your life or feeling sad or regretful much of the time. If you aren't living joyfully, you have the right to some support. Life is hard. We aren't meant to tough it out alone. When we have joyful experiences, the first thing we do is share them with others, but when things are difficult, we tend to keep it to ourselves or to feel embarrassed about admitting that we're struggling. But that's doing ourselves a disservice, because life does involve struggles. They're hard, but so normal. Better to have a hand to hold until you get your head above water.

I just want to encourage you to talk to a therapist if you're struggling, regardless of what anybody wants to name your struggles. My biggest refrain with my own therapy clients has been to live in the pursuit of joy. If you're not joyful, it's okay to ask for some help. Grief and sadnesses are terrible burdens to bear alone. One of my colleagues said that pain is pain, but suffering is the avoidance of pain. If you acknowledge what hurts, and get some support in addressing it, you're very likely to stop suffering. I LOVE being a therapist for exactly that reason, and I've had really helpful experiences as a therapy client, too. A good relationship with a therapist you trust is critical, so if the first person you see doesn't make you feel safe and supported, find someone else.

Joanne, there are lots of resources for low-fee or sliding-scale therapy for people who don't have insurance. I'm not sure what's available in the Hamptons, but I could ask around if you'd like. If there are any colleges or community health centers near you, give them a call. Usually the directors of those places will be pretty familiar with area resources.

And for both of you, and for anybody else who is struggling in the aftermath of having a baby, I don't think anybody thinks for a minute that you don't love your babies or aren't glad to have them. But your lives have been turned upside down, and maybe your physiology, too, and you've had to completely readjust your identity and your sense of yourself. That's all plenty hard. Maybe going through all of that also calls up old ghosts for you which inhibit your ability to sort through it all. It can happen. It's really hard when it happens. But you don't have to forge ahead alone.

I hope this is helpful. I'll be thinking of you.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[mama2be]

Have you all read or heard about Naomi Wolfe's book "misconceptions", she recently wrote it and it is about life after baby. I have mentioned her before on here becaseu she was recently on Oprah. for those that missed that post I have always adored her books and thoughts. She is the Gloria Steinman of my generation I feel, I was asked about 10 years ago if I could have five people to dinner (dead or alive) who would be my guest and she was one of them!!!!

OPrah devoted two shows to "life after baby", she has said they were her most contraversal shows to date because many people truely opened up and said how difficult it was, there were a handful (a small handful" that said , "it's a piece of cake"...but as they got tot alking I think they felt more like the other women just couldn't admit it.

I wish I could offer some advice, I must say I fear after 35 years of being so independent and doing what I want that I am in for a huge awakening...

[Annette_C]

Joanne, I'm sorry that you're going through this too. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It helped a lot knowing that I'm not alone in this. I hope you are able to get some help, just like I'm planning to do. I'll be thinking of you. Keep me posted.

Rachel, thank you for your helpful and encouraging words. Since this is your field, your comments are even more appreciated.
I am definitely going to keep my appointment on the 8th with the psychologist because I feel regretful and unhappy most of the times and that is not me. I'm usually "happy go lucky", always a smile on my face and good-natured therefore, I know there's something wrong.
Also, a lot of your comments (like stirring up old ghosts) hit the target with me. Thanks again.


Neve, thank you for your suggestions and please don't get discouraged. This is your first child, you've probably waited a long time for this moment. Enjoy it! You'll be a wonderful mother, I can tell by your posts. Good luck!

Annette
SAHM to Sabrina 6/24/02

[egoldber]

Neve, I wouldn't worry. I waited until I was 33 to have my first and I don't regret it a bit. It is a HUGE adjustment, but it's a huge adjustment at any age. I'm actually glad I waited, finished my education, had a career. I now know what I'm missing, and I have no regrets. Of course, I occasionally wish I had more intellectual outlets but nothing that the outside world has to offer is more important to me than being home with my little girl. Other people make other choices and that works for them, but I am very much at peace with my SAHM decision.

All that being said, it is HARD. Harder than I ever dreamed it would be. (And I was one of those people who was really sure I could do it all.) But you learn to make choices and adapt. When you fall in love wiht that baby, it is the most incredible experience you will ever have. If there is any advice I can give it is to find a real life support system. I have my playgroup that meets every week and they are my lifeline. There is something incredibly comforting about going through the mothering experience for the first time and being able to share it with other women with babies of a similar age.

HTH,