Help! Friends want to visit me in hospital

[dogmom]

I'm just shy of 39 weeks now with my first chld and I've run into a problem with two female friends of my husband and I who keep telling me they want to visit me in the hospital after I have the baby. One of them is in her mid 20's and never had a baby. The another is going through empty nest syndrome with her 19 year old off to college, so I think there is some other stuff going on making them less than realistic.

I'm a nurse and delivering at my own hospital about an hour away from my house. I feel very comfortable there, trust the staff, completely and know they will take care of me as one of my own. So it's sort of like giving birth in my home. I've been telling my friends since about week 20 that I really don't won't visitors since I only have 48 hours in the hospital and I could be very exhausted, and would like them to wait until I get home. The only person I really want to visit is my mother-in-law, I mean she's the grandma.

They keep telling me, "You don't have to entertain us," but I'm a nurse. I see patients before, during, after friends visit. You might not be juggling balls in the air for your friends amusement, but it does take something out of you. I just feel like I have such a short period of time with my baby, husband and me to have this quite time to welcome the baby to our family before we get home. My husband can only take a week off work (company <10 employees so FML doesn't apply).

Now both my friends have gone to the "we'll just stop by to see the baby in the nursery," statement. Of course the ward is locked and you can't get in without being buzzed in! They seemed puzzled by that. I think they are expecting something from the movies, you know, a baby aquarium.

I've sort of explained my position several times to these two, but I can't help but feel they are not hearing me or just pissed off at me. My husband sort of feels like it's my decision and he'll do want he can to run interference. I don't want to alienate my friends, they are already bugging me to baby sit and and appeared miffed that I might not take them up on their offer in the first month or two. (I sort of figure I'm be breast feeding everying 3 hours or so. What I'll really need is someone to come over, keep me company, and help with my laundry.)

Does anyone have any ideas what I can do? None of my other friends, many of which I'm known longer, are even suggesting they are coming in. Oh, just to make things more interesting one of them was originally, and still is, close friends with my mother-in-law, so it's even more complicated. I just feel very frustrated and resentful that I have to deal with this now. Maybe I'm just being possesive of my first baby and I'll ease up after he is born. Am I being unreasonable about not wanting visitors?

[bnme]

I don't think you are being unreasonable! I am 41wk+ prego (edd 12/24...urgh) and I am not crazy about the idea of vistitors either...and the more time I have to think about it the more it bugs me! I feel like I will be so tired and waking to breast feed and bond with baby and hubby will be all I have time and energy for. I don't know though, 48 hours is a long time. I have never ben in a hospital and I am worried about going crazy during "down-time" --at home it is one thing but in a strange environment it could be a whole other.

That being said, though, I think it would be hard to stop certain people (family and BEST friends)from visiting. These friends don't necassarily sound like they qualify, though! It is good that your hubby is willing to take the responsibility, I mean you've already said no, you shouldn't have to deal with it once you are actually in the hospital. You can always be conveniently sleeping or something during visiting hours or "Just about to take a nap, but you can take a peek". I don't have know what else you could do being it seems you've already told them outright.

My hospital has very limited visiting hours, thankfully. 2-4 is for parents and siblings only and 7-8 for everyone else. I am trying to steer everyone other than parents towards the 7-8. I'll let you know how it works out.

[dd_ani]

You have my sympathy. I definitely didn't want a lot of hospital visitors, with such a short hospital stay and figuring that I wouldn't really want to be entertaining. (And forget bringing makeup and a pretty nighty so you will "lift your spirits and look forward to visitors." Trust me, you still feel like you have been hit by a truck.)

In our case, dd ended up in NICU for a couple of days, so visitors were kept to a bare minimum there. Plus, with cold and flu season, the hospital was really keeping things tight. (It was so bad, they were actually thinking they would have to close one maternity ward to make room for all the sick people.) Perhaps you could use that as an excuse, that the doctors really want to limit visitors to immediate family due to the season. (Being a nurse, you could claim some familiarity with that protocol, so people can plan on not visiting.) That will take some of the "blame" off of you.


Good luck,

Michelle

[cara1]

Sound like you've already politely tried to ask them not to come and that didn't work. Why not just humor them, try it out, and then just kick them out after a few minutes. Most people should be pretty receptive to being asked to leave after they see you exhausted and disheveled saying, "Thank you so much for stopping by. You know, I really feel awful and could use a nap. Maybe we can touch base again after I'm home and back in the swing of things." I had to kick out my in-laws (MIL,FIL,BIL,SIL) of the delivery room late in the evening my first night. (I tried kicking DH a few times in the shin, but he didn't get it). So I promptly declared "That's enough, every one please go home" or something to that effect (said with a smile of course). No one had a problem with that. You may as well let them come now, because I think feelings are more hurt when you tell them a week later that you're not ready for visitors at home. Good luck whatever you decide.

[dogmom]

Thanks for that thought. You do have a point. Letting them visit in the hospital when I can have the nurse throw them out is better than not letting them come later when I'm still not up to it. I realize part of the reason I'm obsessing about this is because I've got nothing else to do my look down at my moving belly and plead with my son to come out now. I'd never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was still working at this point, just to distract me. (And keep me from watching the "Maternity Ward" marathon on The Learning Channel on New Year's Day. What was I thinking?!)

[BethG]

If you've never been in a hospital before, you'll be surprised at how little "downtime" there really is. I was really surprised at the parade of people through my room starting at 7:30 am the morning after I delivered: the aides to take my temp/blood pressure, the day nurse checking in on me and the baby, the ped making rounds, the OB making rounds, the birth certficate woman, the photographer, the cord blood woman, the hearing test person, etc.... And if your baby rooms in, then there will be even less time. Hospitals are actually very poor places to get rest.

HTH,

[TomsMom]

I don't think people realize how intrusive it can be to visit a new Mom in the hospital. Three of my husband's co-workers showed up in my room 5 hours after I gave birth. Five minutes into their visit, DS started wailing to be fed and I had to ask them to leave so I could nurse him (DH had run home to shower before they showed up.) I barely knew these people and it was so uncomfortable. Even phone calls are intrusive in the hospital. Beth is right, there is not much down time and the (very) little sleep you do get is constantly interrupted.

Lisa (a.k.a. Nigele)
Mommy to Tommy
7/2/02

[Momof1Golden1Lab]

I support your position!! We only had a few visitors to the hospital (DH's brother and family, my parents) but even that was a lot! I was exhausted and felt horrible (even after a vaginal delivery), plus I was all bloated from the bags and bags of fluids they gave me, and the last thing I wanted to do was see anyone that I knew! I even had DH take any phone calls.

Also have to agree with the comment that there is NO downtime in the hospital! Between bf'ing every two hours or so (from start to start - and it took about an hour each time) and all the visits from nurses, doctors, photographers, etc, I didn't even thumb through the magazines that I had brought along. I couldn't wait to get home so that I could get some rest!

Is there any way that you could just not let them know that you had the baby until you get home? "Oh, gosh, we were just so busy and tired that we decided to wait until we got home to call everyone..."

[newbelly2002]

Well, I'm completely with you on no visitors.

I asked (actually demanded) that NO visitors come to the hospital. yes, that meant my parents, DH parents, my siblings, his siblings, friends, etc. My thinking was that I would be tired/confused/and insecure enough to not to be able to handle unwanted (and unrequested) advice/suggestions etc. in the first 48 hours. I wanted the time to try and get used to the new family before bringing in the old one. DH was pretty mad but when he tried to put his foot down, I said that I was giving birth, not him, and therefore in the end, the choice was mine. I felt pretty selfish, but upon explaining my choice to the L&D nurse she said that--after 15 years expereince--it was the smartest thing she had ever heard. DH let through a few phone calls and beyond that ran interference. THe family was pretty mad (and waiting on the doorstep when we arrived home), and one friend flew down without saying anything and just showed up. Sigh.

I wondered if I might later regret the decision and I can say with a clear conscience: not for an instant. THere is so little downtime, so much adjustment and everything is overwhelming (BF for me was insanely difficult and I had at least one breakdown in tears. Glad the family wasn't there for that one), not to mention the pain. I needed the time for me becuase I knew it would be a LONG time (still waiting btw) until I had that again.

Just my two cents. Whatever you decide, be strong and firm in your decision. People will--eventually--come around.

Good luck!
Paula
Mom to Dante 8/1/02

[CherylT]

You are not being unreasonable at all. 48 hours is a very short period of time, and as everyone has stated there is a lot going on in those 2 days. I told everyone that ONLY immediate family would be allowed to visit at the hospital but that I would be glad to see them once we were home and settled in. If I was you and these people were pestering me to visit, I would simply make sure that they didn't find out that the baby was born until I was home from the hospital. 2 days isn't a long time and with everything going on it is perfectly reasonable that you don't contact everyone you know to let them know that your bundle of joy arrived (I know because we did this too). Kind of sneaky, but effective. Best of luck to you...

Cheryl (aka CT)
SAHM to Lilli 9/20/00 & Alec 10/21/02