Rant--just need to vent

[newbelly2002]

I have only one sister. She came with my parents to visit for 2 weeks (directly after 2 weeks of the in-laws. Ugh). We put her up in a small apartment and tiptoed around until she woke up at 12:00 everyday, having a difficult time adjusting to the time change. Partially becuse she went out to the bars at night. She is also Dante's Godmother (in theory, since the baptism hasn;t happened yet). Before the birth she was a doll. She did everything from clothes to toys to diaper bags to refinishing a dresser/changing table combo. Outside of DH, she was my best support and friend.

After 2 weeks I learned some interesting things. 1) Breastfeeding "disgusts" her (her word); 2) diapers disgust her 3)she can't handle a baby crying (thrusting him back to me the second his face formed into a frown, which usually resulted in him being even more upset from the surprise) 4) does not find it "appropriate" for babies to be in a restaurant; 5) finds it inconvenient to travel with a diaper bag ("too cumbersome") 6) thinks that babies should be able to sleep through anything, so therefore refused to keep her voice down after DAnte had gone to bed ("you don't reallllyyyy think he would wake up for THAT, do you??")

All this and then complained about the insane dry-cleaning bill she will have when she returns home because Dante drooled on her $80 Banana Republic wool sweater/suede jacket/silk shirt (she did know she was coming to visit her only 4.5 month old nephew). She also was very upset that I couldn't spend the day shopping with her because she didn't want Dante to come("he cries") adn I said I could go out for a few hours, but not the whole day.

This is my only sister (she's 4.5 years younger than me, so 26 right now) and I was ready to throw her out. I asked her to take care of Dante once while STeve and I took the dog for a walk. When we came back she threw him at me in disgust saying he threw up/cried the entire time. Evening babysitting was out of the question as she "doesn't do" diapers. Dh and I figure that we are the best Birth COntrol there is right now--perhaps we should take our show on the road, spend a few hours at High Schools, "see what can happen. . ." and all that?

Now I know that babies aren't for everyone. And yes, they can be messy and inconvenient. But she was soooo excited before the birth (and for years before that as well) that I guess I had just gotten excited that she would get the same thrill (or at least SOME thrill) out of him that I get. We've shared everything for teh past few years, I wanted to share this too.

SIgh. The dissapointment is overwhelming (added to the fact that beyond my parents, the only person to remember my birthday was my inlaws)

Thanks for listening and hope everyone had a good New Year.

Paula

[MamaHill_2003]

Sounds like your sister has a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde thing going on! That's terrible. I have no words of help, but just wanted to say I read your post and hope, for your and Dante's sake, that it's a really long time before she comes to visit again. Maybe by then she'll get along with him better.

[Rachel 3]

Shame on her. It's a miracle that you get to have this lovely new life in yours. She should have behaved herself.

Rachel (used to be Rachels)
Mom to Abigail Rose
5-18-02

[nohomama2]

What incredible self control not to have thrown your sister out on her !@#$%. Babies are not born into this world adults, able to roll with the punches and adapt to the needs of others. Your sister, however, IS an adult and should be able to do those things for at least a couple of weeks.

I'm really sorry you're having to cope with such a disappointment. In my experience, the ins and outs of family can often be fraught with such angst. One good belly laugh or brilliant smile from your babe can go a long way to soothing the ill.

Happy New Year and Happy Birthday.

Take care,

[BethG]

Wow. Sounds to me like your sister has some real issues. Maybe she really misses you and was resentful that Dante takes so much time and she had to share you so much? Maybe she really does want a baby herself and is feeling really empty inside, so she acted out?

Regardless, I think you showed considerably more self control than I would have under similar circumstances!!!

Sorry you had such a bad visit. My own holidays were not real fun this year either. Sarah has been horribly moody ever since Thanksgiving. She's been teething, we've had horrible separation anxiety issues, and she hasn't been sleeping well so I'm feeling terribly sleep deprived. Add in our dog almost dying, two cross-country car trips in three weeks and two dysfunctional sets of families and we did not have a joyous holiday season.

On the upside, our New Year was great. We stumbled upon a fabulous babysitter in my neighborhood and it was such a RELIEF for DH and I to get out for a few hours BY OURSELVES. My god, the luxury of it. I had the sitter come back today for a couple hours to watch Sarah while I got my hair cut and highlighted and again, my god, the sheer decadence of it!!! Clearly I need to get out more.

Sorry for turning this into my own whine....

[_gour0]

What an ordeal! When was your birthday? Mine's Wednesday. I will be 30 weeks pregnant and 30 years old. I love numbers like that. Sorry things were so awful for you. I don't suppose you said anything to ds about your feelings? Not necesarily helpful, but maybe a simple " I was dissappointed " wouldn't be too bad? Hope evrything looks a little better now that everyone has cleared out.

[jojo2324]

Oh Paula, that's just awful. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. I have faced a similar situation, though not so blatant. Before the birth, I would speak to or see my stepmother nearly every day, asking questions, getting advice and reassurance, etc. Since Gannon's been born, she's come over once. She lives ten minutes away! She never offered to do laundry, run a load of dishes, anything. I wasn't expecting her to turn into my personal slave or anything, but a little bit would have been so appreciated! So anytime she sees him, it's me hauling him over there, no small feat as I have to lug him in his carseat up this 45 degree incline...And she's said outright that she won't babysit him. She did once back in the colicky days and he cried for some time so she said that she wouldn't do it again, at least not before he was walking. And if she ever does watch him for any small bit of time she just throws him at my 11 year-old sister. I tell her specifically not to walk around with him because he's just too heavy for her. And then Shawn caught her one night walking around the pool with him!!!! GRRR, sorry, now I'm revved up. Okay, feeling bad that I turned this into a me thing. But I am sorry, I've been there.

[C99]

I'm sorry you had to deal with that, although I do think that many of your sister's views on babies are shared by most of the non-parent population. It was ungracious of her to put you out and then complain non-stop, but she may have simply been reacting to seeing a change in her sister that she wasn't expecting. I hope the situation resolves itself in the next few months and you're able to regain a good relationship with your sister.

[newbelly2002]

THanks for all the words of advice.

There was no self-control. We did actually throw her out. My parents bought her a hotel room and then she insisted on moving back in (why, I don't know. She was clearly miserable here. As were we.). In a cowardly attempt to avoid confrontation, I didn't do more and did everything I could to keep DH from throwing her out a second time on her behind.

THe worst part was the absolute negative energy. It was so draining. There were lots of personal digs too (her: "why do you always wear that stupid kerchief on your head?" me: "I don't have time to take a shower!"; her: "You kiss Dante 2 million times a day. The sound you make bugs me.")

I do think that you guys are right. She's very used to being the baby and center of attention. She hated the changed family dynamics (Christmas Eve was a nightmare. She insisted on having a tree inside although both DH [who's Jewish] and I had decided to have a decorated tree outside on OUR balcony. The concept of "not her house" was foreign to her. She threw a fit and said "Christmas just is not like it used to be!" to which I wanted to respond. "We're not 10 and 6 anymore.") and made a number of comments to that effect.

Unfortunately, this put a huge strain on my relationship with her, as well as DH's, who has always viewed her as his little sister. I don't think we'll be seeing her until Dante's first birthday in August. And I don't see her staying with us for a really really long time. It makes me sad, but I guess that's what needs to happen.

The words of sympathy, reassurance (though I'm sure she would have her own version of the story), and similar stories really make me feel better. At least I know I'm not alone. And thanks for the birthday wishes too! (B-day was on the 30th. Because I was induced, my Dad likes to call me "his little tax deduction.")

Anyone else run into this "sibling rivalry" and any suggestions on how best to deal with it?

Thanks again, you guys are really wonderful!

Paula

[dogmom]

Just to let you know. There might be other issues besides "sibling rivalry," and they probably have nothing to do with you or your baby. I have a friend about a decade younger than me, around your sister's age, and she's been very involved and interested in my pregnancy since the beginning. To the point that I sometimes need her to back off a little. A few months into my pregnancy she shared with me that around the time she got married a few years ago she found out she was pregnant and chose to terminate the pregnancy. I'm the only one besides her husband she's talked with this about. Given the circumstances I think she absolutely made the right decision, but it's still hard on her. Clearly this is playing a role in how she is reacting to my pregnancy. Although she very much wants to be part of mine soon to be newborn's life, I suspect that her feelings will be different that what she first imagined.

I'm not saying that something this major has to be going on with your sister, and whatever it is it's up to your sister to figure it out, not you. It sounds like your parent's and DH are understanding, so try to have them act as a buffer as much as possible. I suspect by next Christmas things will be much better.

J.M.- soon to be mom, hopefully!

[C99]

Anyone else run into this "sibling rivalry" and any suggestions on how best to deal with it?

Paula,

I have. My sister is 15 years younger than me and not only used to being the "baby" of the family; she's user to effectively being "the only child." At any given family gathering, if she's not the center of attention, she goes into these unbelievable snits. I try to ignore it or make a joke out of it; I'm not her parent, our parents are. At some point, she'll have to learn that she can't always be at the center of things. I'm sure that the comments to your sister about things not being the same as when you were 10 and 6 had some effect on your sister.

I was talking about this incident to a friend of mine recently. She has 2 kids under 2 and her sister is just a year younger than her and lives far away. My friend said that her sister was fairly excited and involved in the pregnancy, but makes similar comments to her now about breastfeeding, poop, etc. As I said earlier, I think those comments are fairly normal and accepted among people who are not parents or thinking about becoming parents soon. Maybe your sister wasn't prepared to see how much you would change when your baby arrived and she can't relate to your feelings because she's not yet in that same "life stage." Maybe she realized with the physical presence of a baby how much you've changed in ways that she can't right now and because she misses her older sister and the r/ship you used to have, has reacted in a way that makes her seem like a self-centered brat.

I think you'll probably have to just let her outgrow whatever stage she's in and whatever issues she has with regards to how her sister has changed, etc.

HTH.
Caroline

[Rachel 3]

Things have been great with my sister, thankfully, but I did have some friends flip out when I had a baby. A few of them have just drifted out of my life, but one was abjectly horrible. When Abigail was six weeks old, my friend sent me the most vicious, nasty letter I've ever received in my life. I'v had breakups with major boyfriends that were sweeter-- and downright gentle by comparison. Her letter was five pages single-spaced, and was all about what a terrible person and disappointing friend I am. She attacked me, my way of interacting, my husband, even my mother! While I think some of her criticisms were fair (ouch!), most of them were just inflammatory, and all of them were unimaginably cruel. I didn't see it coming in the slightest, although I think I'm generally pretty perceptive. She was one of my dearest friends. Yikes. I cried for a week and felt anxious for a month. It was horrible. The thing is, I think it just calls stuff up in people when you have a baby. Everybody's issues come roaring to the surface, especially if they have anything to do with child-rearing or parenting or losing one's place in the pecking order. It's not your fault, but it is SO hard.

I don't have any great answers. It was very painful to lose that friendship. Ultimately, though, my responsibility and all of my desires are to protect my daughter, and to raise her as well as I possibly can. That includes, for me, keeping away from her anybody who might be toxic or damaging or even unpredictable. That's not the model of person I want her to see, especially in her babyhood. And the kind of person I was in the face of that grief is not what I want, either, for me or for Abigail. It's better for her if I let this friendship go, and minimize the chance that somebody mean-spirited will have much of an influence on her early life. I know it's not the same with sisters, but I do think that not having her stay with you until she remembers she's the one in big-girl pants is probably worth it, both for your sanity and for your baby's sense of the world. How tough and sad, though. Let us know if we can support you in any way.

Rachel (used to be Rachels)
Mom to Abigail Rose
5-18-02

[newbelly2002]

"big-girl pants."

Thanks, Rachel. That really says it all!

I do hope you feel better. The mastitis sounds terrible. Winter 2002/3 has been hard for you and your family, no?

Paula

[Rachel 3]

Yes, now that you mention it. It's weird-- if you caught me on any random day and asked how things were, I'd tell you they were wonderful and that I am very happy. Having Abigail in my life is so remarkable, and I'm so consistently awed. But pneumonia, mastitis, her belly troubles, no sleep... Those parts are not my very favorites.

Rachel (used to be Rachels)
Mom to Abigail Rose
5-18-02