Hair pulling...

[nohomama2]

Does anyone have any suggestions for discouraging hair pulling? We've tried reasoned responses ("Please don't," or "Stop, that hurts," etc), we've tried loud, stern responses ("Nooo!!!), we've tried ignoring it, and we've even tried pulling on Lola's locks in total deparation. All evoke laughter. Grrr.

No "phase" has made me angry like this one does. More and more often I'm extricating myself from her rather painful clutches and leaving her alone in the room so I don't jettison her out a window. ANY suggestions would be appreciated.

[JMarie]

My cousin went through this while I was their nanny and I don't have a magical answer. She, too, giggled any time she yanked on my hair, and I have a ton of it and it has always been very long - well past my shoulders. The only way I could get her not to pull my hair was to keep it back in a ponytail, usually 'folded' in half so it wouldn't even flop toward her little grabby hands! Necklaces, earrings, and thin bracelets were also out. Now, my sister has her hair chopped pretty short, and she has said as long as Abbey has something to play with - a stuffed animal or small toy - she usually stays away from the hair. Although, she has a tendency to swing the toy, trying to hit something. I would try the toy and if that doesn't work, bring out the ponytail holders. I really hope someone else has better news - I don't want to cut my hair short or live with it pulled back. It's really not my most attractive hair style...

JMarie
EDD 2/23/03
Aidan Christopher

[BethG]

My favorite child development guru, Burton White, recommends a discipline method that has worked for me and other moms I know. It's basically a modified time out for toddlers. When your child does the offending behavior (hair pulling, biting, hitting, etc.) you place your child on the opposite side of a baby gate so that your toddler does not have access to you. You then say something like "No pulling hair/ we don't pull hair". You place your child on the other side of the gate, turn your back and let them cry for about 30 seconds. Then you return your baby to your side of the gate and say "it's OK now, but if you pull my hair again, mommy will have to use the gate again".

This relies on the principle that your child, espcially a toddler, really wants your presence more than anything in the world. Denying them your presence AND your attention for even 30 seconds is the WORST thing for them at this time. If you do this consistently, it does help. The problem with a traditional timeout is that a toddler just won't sit in the chair. The gate solves that problem.

My problem is that I don't have a space in my house that would make this work. So I usually just turn my back and refuse to look at her for 30 seconds. You'd think I'd knocked her across the room the way she wails! It is heartbreaking, but it does work if you are consistent.

HTH,

[twinsarefun]

Beth,

Is there a particular discipline book by this guy you like? I need to go in search of some books on this topic as we're getting farther into this toddler adventure. I got the Ellyn Satter feeding book based on your reccomendation and have loved it!

Nicole

[_gour0]

I love to do searches. Here's a couple of his books on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0684804190?vi=glance

[BethG]

Burton White has two main books "The First Three Years of Life" and "How to Raise a Happy, Unspoiled Child". If you were only going to get one, I would get "The First Three Years". (But lots of libraries have his books.) The other book just expands on themes from his first book, but does talk in more detail about toddler issues and discipline.

He is a child development researcher who has been doing research and in-home parent-child observation for 30 years. I find his books to be well researched, with practical advice, that are also compassionate and loving. He is definiteley not an Attachment Parenting guy like Dr. Sears, but many of his ideas are very similar. His book "The First Three Years" talks about how to develop your child intellectually, physically and socially. He spends the most time talk about social development, because he says this is where most parents have difficulty (especially, older, well-educated parents who waited until their thirties to start having children, which pretty much sums me up).

To paraphrase, he says that your goal for the first three years of your child's social development is to teach them that they are a wonderful, special child who is very loved BUT their needs are no more important than anyone else's, especially yours (the parent). He also says this is VERY hard and BOY is he right!

I'm glad you like the Satter book. I found it absolutely invaluable. I now give the Burton White book and the Satter book as gifts to anyone that I know is expecting.

HTH,

[nohomama2]

Pulling our hair back both does and doesn't work. Like you implied, boredom does seem to trigger this behavior. The only time it seems to be the actual cause of the hair pulling though is when we're carrying her in the backpack. Even when our hair is pulled back and tucked under a hat, Lola still seems to find some and, whoa nelly, does she yank hard when she does. It also doesn't seem to deter her from pulling the hair of her toddler friends. Utimately, what we've found is that while we're able to sometimes avoid the problem by pulling back our hair, it doesn't discourage the behavior.

Thanks for your suggestions and insight. I really appreciate them. Let me know if you have any other ideas.

[nohomama2]

I actually kind of do what you've suggested already. The thing I'm finding most challenging about this is that I tend to become so overwhelmed with anger that I end up walking away/turning my back (so I DON"T knock her across the room) without actually addressing the issue verbally. I really find it infuriating.

Perhaps this is devine justice at work. I was a hair puller as a young child and used it to defend myself against and terrorize my older brother. My poor parents...

[Rachel 3]

Poor YOU!!! I wish I knew what to suggest. It sounds really terrible. All I can offer is something I read in one of Barbara Kingsolver's books. She wrote, "For any parent who needs to hear it today, whatever it is, you can survive it, and it will end." Hope it's SOON!

Rachel (used to be Rachels)
Mom to Abigail Rose
5-18-02

[nohomama2]

Thanks for the encouraging words. My mantra has become, "this too shall pass, this too shall pass..." I hope it passes sooner rather than later!

Another difficult aspect to this hair pulling thing is that it's upsetting to see Lola being a bully. She's an easy going little girl with a lovely personality. It's heartbreaking to see her pulling on another little one's hair and have them just sit there in a puddle of tears. Thankfully, the other mamas are an understanding bunch. One told me it's when you're not understanding that your kid ends up being the bully on the playground the next week. True I suppose, though not all that comforting.

This too shall pass...