I feel like I'm going to be a terrible mother...

[etwahl]

Up until we found out DH was leaving, I was incredibly excited about becoming a mom. Now, I'm just simply terrified. I almost wish the baby could stay in there forever or until DH comes home.

I honestly feel like I'm going to be a terrible mother. I'm having a hard time controlling my emotions, panic attacks, and stress levels. This is all a recent development. I've always thought of myself as a very strong person (I've survived two six+ month deployments in our three years of marriage; I moved from Canada to the US to marry my husband, leaving everything else in my life behind to make a new start, etc.) But this time feels so much harder. I've always been able to take care of myself, but I just don't feel confident taking care of a baby as well now. I read all the posts where people talk about how difficult it is WITH their DH's around. I can't even imagine how it's going to be for me. None of our family lives nearby. I have a few good friends, but I just don't see them wanting to be sacrifice their time or lives to help me out the way DH would.

I just find myself in this endless circle of wondering how I'm going to pull it off, at the same time as trying to keep my sanity and prepare as much as possible before he leaves. I have a list about 7 pages long of things to buy, things to do, etc. (and it's not even finished) It's becoming so overwhelming that I almost hate to do anything at all. And I thought insomnia was bad before this all happened. I'm now having a really hard time sleeping. I also find my motivation to continue with birth classes non-existent. The last thing I want to do is spend my evenings in a class (even if it is with DH) while I could be spending our last few nights together doing something at home.

I've been searching for a doula, but everyone I've contacted is already busy for my EDD.

Bottom line is I'm just feeling incredibly depressed. I worry that if I'm this depressed now, will post-partum depression be even worse? I really want to believe in my heart that I will be a good mom, that I will know what to do, and that our family will survive this, but right now I'm having a very hard time staying positive (which is VERY, VERY unusual for me). One of my best friends used to say I was like teflon, because I've gone through so much and nothing ever phased me. I think because I'm normally like that, people just assume that I'm okay now too, and that I can handle it all, but I don't feel like I can. I hope I don't sound too pathetic, but I really am struggling with this.

UPDATE: This just seems to get worse and worse. DH just told me they're leaving even earlier now -- Jan 14. He's a capt. (one year away from major) and he won't even have his own bed, not allowed to take civilian clothes or anything personal, etc. When he told me this, I lost it. I just keep thinking we must have done something really bad to deserve this.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[egoldber]

Honey, you can do it! While my situation doesn't compare, my DH does travel a lot, soemtimes for a week or two at a time. The other moms in my playgroup wonder how I do it and the reality is, you do what you have to do. And my DH is not a lot of help when he is home. (Don't get me wrong, I love him, but he's not very good with babies.)

And the reality is that you "need" very little to take care of a newborn. Most of the things we have suggested are just suggestions. You will find your way. All you really NEED is a place for baby to sleep (and that can be your bed), your breasts :), some diapers and that's about it. Your life will not come to an end if you don't have the bouncy seat or a tube of Aquaphor by the time you deliver.

Personally, I would just enjoy the time you have with DH and make sure to get him to do any big or heavy jobs that need doing before he goes. Running to the store and getting all the other little things will help to pass the time after he goes and before baby and will give you a good reason to get out of the house after baby is here.

But DO find yourself a mommy support group. Many hospitals run new mom groups or breastfeeding support groups. That is how I found my playgroup. Hook into these women. Be bold. Ask them to lunch. Ask who wants to start a playgroup. Trust me, they are looking for someone too, even if they have a DH at home!! They will be your lifeline. Your current friends, if they are childless, may really NOT want to help with baby things. But mommy friends will know and understand.

I would write more, but I have to take my dog to the vet. I'll check in later.

Hang in there!!!!!

[Shirale]

Ok, first of all I am SURE that you are going to be a truly wonderful mother. You care so much and obviously have so much love in you and those are 2 biggies when it comes to your baby. And it may not be immidiate or easy right at the begginign, but the love you will feel for your baby is just amazing. In the beggining I remember feeling that I loved her b/c she was mine, but not anything special...after a couple of weeks the feelings I had were just overwhelming. I was pretty depressed for a couple of weeks after Amira was born, but it got better once I started sleeping better! I can't tell you that I understand what you are going through b/c I am lucky to have my husband at home, but I do know that I am capable of a lot more than I thought I was when I was pregnant. My husband works very long hours (leaves before 6 comes home after 7) and Amira gets up at 8 and goes to bed at 8- so there really is very little time during the day that she sees him. So- I am definitly the main caregiver. We also do not live anywhere near any of our family. So- in that way I do understand your worries. In the beggining it will be hard. It's hard to master taking care of a completely helpless tiny baby when you are sore and exhausted from pregnancy and labor...but you will do it! And babies are very forgiving. they don't care if you spend all day in PJ's as long as you hold and feed and change them....what I found to help me the most was a really good support system of friends. Esp people in my neighborhod with babies around Amira's age although I do admit that my single friends have been amazing...they love to come over and play with Amira and have even babysat for her in emergencies...
There must be some way that we can help you find a Doula- did you try your local La Leche League- sometimes they have great resources...also, have you conmsidered asking a frind to come with you while you are in labor??
I wish there was something I could do to reassure you...I guess the only thing I can really say is that you will be a wonderful Mom and your baby is so lucky to be coming to parents like you and your husband.

[megsmom]

Hi Tammy,

Sorry I could not post to you until now (the bugaboo in the system has been fixed, thank God!).

First off, let me say how sorry I am for you that your dh is leaving for Iraq. What a real bummer. I wish it could be easier on families in the military. I keep praying that Saddam will die of sudden cardiac failure and the US could avoid this whole mess. I don't even know how you must feel except obviously very frightened and sad. We have all of these expectations about pregnancy, delivery, our first few days as a mom... and then, Boom! something comes along to blow that out of the water. My pregnancy threw me some curve balls and I had some tough going early post partum and lots of things didn't go as I had planned, but it did work out okay (and yours will too). I had so many doubts about my ability to be a mom too, but now after almost 18 months think I do pretty darn well.

I would echo above posters and reach out as much as you can. In fact, your childbirth classes might be a place where you can find some sympathy in others. Do you guys live on a base? Is there perhaps any other pregnant women in your same predicament who you could share with? Have you lined up your mom, sister, MIL, to come and stay with you for the first few weeks since a doula isn't on the horizen yet? Whatever you do, don't isolate yourself now or after the baby is born. Hook into as many groups of support as you can. My new mom's group was a salvation as were my sisters and mom (who took turns coming and live about 1000 miles away from here). My dh is very supportive and helpful, but his job was incredibly insane before the baby was born and for a few months after so I spent a lot of time alone on bedrest and after dd was born. The first few weeks I was terrified to be alone with dd fearing I didn't know what to do, but she didn't know that and we managed to be learn how to cope together.

Try also not to stress too much about baby products. Have as much fun as you can with it and beyond that listen to the ever-wise Beth. Babies don't need a whole lot at first (I would only add a carseat to Beth's very complet as usual list). Besides, not having everything will give you errands to run when you are dying to get out of the house after your baby is born.

If after dh leaves you just can't seem to climb out of this sad spell, call your doctor and let them know what you are going through. Heck, you might even call them now. It's important to be healthy both mentally and physically and there's a lot they can do to help you.

My prayers and hugs to you, dh and little one,

Jen
mom to Meghan 7/13//01

[Rachels]

You can do it!!!!!!! You really can. Don't worry yet about postpartum depression. You're grieving-- that's entirely predictable under the circumstances, and not abnormal at all. Nobody feels good when they grieve, but it doesn't mean you're headed for disaster. My experience is that NOT grieving when you need to is a bigger setup. You're doing a good thing for yourself by not pretending this is all okay. Staying positive in the face of such a huge disappointment and such an unknown future would be way too much to ask right now. You'll work through this in your own time.

You, like all new moms, will need a lot of support. No one can love you in the way DH does, so it's fine to be miserable about him not being there. But other people CAN support you, befriend you, make you meals, hold your baby... You'll build a community, you'll see. Get on the phone and learn about mom's groups in your area. Keep calling until you find a doula. Ask your midwife to help you. I'd be glad to help you too, if you'd like.

We're here!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[dd_ani]

Tammy,

You will be a WONDERFUL mother! Pregnancy and birth are enough to make you exhausted and depressed to begin with, let alone having someone who is half a world away infringing on all of your plans.

Its not fair. It stinks. I know where you are coming from -- DH is inactive (and hopefully staying that way) National Guard. I was panicked after September 11, before dd was born, that he would be deployed and gone for her birth. I can only imagine what you are going through now.

Definitely try to find some other local women for support -- try your unit family support group. They are great for times like this. And especially if you are on or near base, there are probably others who have been in your shoes or who are in similar circumstances now who will be a good source of support for you. And don't forget about all of us here on the lists. We may not be able to come over and change diapers for you at 3 am -- but there is always someone out here ready to listen when you need us.

Don't panic too much about getting everything done before your DH leaves. Concentrate on quality time, not necessarily crossing everything off the list. Almost ANYTHING can be ordered online (have you tried aafes.com? They have a decent selection and great prices and free shipping for military) and, like others have said, as long as you have you and a roof over your head, you and baby will be fine.
And you will manage just fine once you bring your baby home -- just sleep when your baby sleeps (good advice for anyone and something most of us wish we had actually done from the start)and don't worry what the house looks like (why clean it up now? it will only get messy again!)

The part about personal articles stinks. The only suggestion I can offer here is a religious medal of some significance to you both. I don't know how strict they are being and if you are even religious, but usually those are allowed when not much else is and it would be SOMETHING you could send with him (just get a good strong chain).

Hang in there and remember we are here to listen anytime you need us.

Michelle

[kathsmom]

Tammy,

I am so sorry that you are having to go through this, but you will be a FABULOUS mom! Just keep in mind that your little baby loves you no matter what. I remember when DD was first born - my mom was trying everything to stop her from crying, and so was DH. They were trying to let me rest - they tried everything from feeding, diapering, singing, etc., but nothing worked. They brought her into bed with me, and as soon as she was in my arms, she quieted down and went to sleep. She just needed her mommy and your baby will be the same - in that moment, it was reiterated to me what a beautiful gift she was to me.

Please call your friends to help out when you are first home with the baby. If they ask if you need help, please do not refuse. Also, get involved with a mommy's group. I know that our hospital had a class/group for mommies with newborns. If you are plugged into church, synagogue, etc. let them know you need help. The ladies from my Sunday School class at church brought meals every other night for 2 weeks after my mom left, and I can tell you that it was a lifesaver for me! Also, ask your friends if they can help you with any last minute preparations from your list. I know that they will be understanding, especially under the circumstances. And last, but not least, remember that we are all here for you, even if we can't be there physically, we will be there for you to help and encourage you.

Good luck with everything and spend every moment you can with your DH!

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[CherylT]

Try not to worry, you can and will do it!! All the research you've been doing and the preparation for your little one's arrival alone show how great a mother you will be. I think most 1st time moms have the jitters a month or 2 before birth (I know I did), so you aren't alone. But it always helped me to think about how many women have been having babies for years upon years in conditions much worse than my own, and that if they could do it, so could I. Like Beth's, my DH also travels frequently (leaving again tomorrow) and while it's hard, I can do it (I too have a background of overcoming obstacles, but I think it all must be for a reason and I just haven't come across it yet!). I won't even pretend that my situation is ANYTHING like what you will be going through, but you've got to take all that strength you've built up over your lifetime and put it to use. It's hard now with your DH on the verge of leaving, but you can do it and once your little one is born your love of him/her and your confidence in yourself will soar very shortly thereafter (as will your love of your DH!). If you continue to feel depressed, don't be afraid to seek help - the best mother is a healthy (mentally and physically) one. Take good care of yourself, spend tons of time with your DH before he leaves, and save some chores to do later to take up your time (even save some for after baby is born - you won't believe how soon you'll want to get OUT of the house!!). I wish you the best of luck!!

Cheryl (aka CT)
SAHM to Lilli 9/20/00 & Alec 10/21/02

[ddmarsh]

The best advice I ever received during an unbelievably bad time in our lives a few years ago was that people are much more willing and able to help someone out during rough times if they appear to be coping well. In other words, people shy away from someone who appears to be falling apart, etc. but if you are acting relatively competent they will come out in droves. I cannot tell you how true I found that to be and how much help I received as a result.

I say that not to suggest that there are not moments when you will feel as if you are about to fall apart, because there will be, but to offer a perspective on how to best maximize outside support.

Do you have access to therapy services through military healthcare? That would also be an excellent source of support and someone who might know of other avenues of support as well.

Good luck -
Debbie

[dd_ani]

Tammy,

I thought of one more suggestion. Have you asked your childbirth instructor about doulas? Sometimes they know someone, or maybe would even be willing to stand in themselves.

We are all thinking of you so hang in there. You will be a great Mommy and everything is going to be ok!

Michelle

[etwahl]

I think I finally found one. I'm going to be talking to her tomorrow. I'll keep you all posted. I'm feeling a little more in control right now. I'm definitely going through ups and downs right now.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[jojo2324]

Everyone is absolutely right. Just the fact that you care and worry so much are signs that motherhood will be no problem for you! That's all moms do, after all. And what Rachel said is true also. It's necessary for you to grieve right now, but you shouldn't think horrible thoughts about yourself because of it. Your baby is going to come into this world with a mother determined to do the part of not one, but *two* parents and he can't ask for anything sweeter or more natural than that.

For what it's worth, I was the most sensitive, mousy, little girl before my baby was born. While I'm no crazy, everyone-is-drawn-to-me person now, I feel so sure about myself after giving birth. The confidence you feel just blossoms when you marvel at your little one and realize YOU did that. There is going to be difficulty, most definitely, but there always is. And your baby will love you more for knowing how much you did to ensure his happiness.

This may seem bittersweet and completely not what you want to hear right now, but please impart to your DH how much I appreciate what he's doing. I really can't stress that enough. Just let him know that there is a bevy of women thinking of him, his lady and his baby. You are all in my thoughts. I wish I was closer to you! Let us know if the doula works out.

[nohomama]

Tammy,

Even if YOU don't have faith in your ability to cope with this tremedously difficult blow you've been dealt and your ability to be a fabulous Mama, I, along with everyone else who has posted here, do have faith. The emotional highs and lows you're experiencing are completely understandable given the situation, but I honestly think most, if not all, women have fearful and apprehensive moments during the last months of their pregnancy. If it's not about whether we'll be adequate as parents, it's about labor or something else. I STILL have those moments of doubt and Lola's 16 months old.

Don't sweat the small stuff. I agree with whomever said buying all the little things you'll need for your babe after your husband's deployed will help you pass the time. Spend this time enjoying one another. Everything that needs to get done, will get done.

[Melanie]

I would suggest, if you can afford it, to find someone (they used to call them "baby nurses") to come to be with you during the first few weeks if you don't have a family member or friend to do it. Maybe the doula or childbirth instructor might know someone? They don't really HAVE to be a nurse, just someone who loves to hold babies! Or if you can't afford to pay someone, if you belong to any sort of group like a church or something they might know of someone who'd love to come and be a mommy's helper to hold a newborn.

Mommy to Jonah

[etwahl]

I'm hoping my one friend who is stepping in to be my birth coach will want to come stay over night a few times. She's actually a nurse, and her husband just left on a normal, scheduled six month deployment, and she lives in my neighborhood. Plus, they want to TTC when he returns, so I figure this will all be good practise and experience for her. I think she will be a great support.

My own parents will probably come for a few days too, which will be nice to have someone who can clean, etc.

I'm also looking into part-time maid service during those times when (before pregnancy and after) I just can't deal with it all. I think all these things combined will really help a lot.

I've put together a more organized list of what I need to do and what I need to buy, and I've sorted it out by what needs to be done before DH leaves and after. I'm feeling much better now that I have it all spelled out in black and white. And when I remember something, I just add it to the list. I DO think that having a list of things to accomplish will keep me busy and focused. During his other two deployments (he just returned from the last one seven months ago) I had VERY busy jobs, and I was a bit of a workaholic, so that kept me focused. Now I'm very grateful not to be working, because I'm so busy with all this stuff, that I don't know how I'd fit a job in too.

Anyway, I'm now feeling much better (amazing how sleep does that for you - the night before I had almost no sleep). I realize it may be hard, but I have friends around who are offering to help, and even though I usually hate accepting help of any sort, I definitely am going to this time.

Plus, it's in times like this, when I start feeling sorry for myself, that I have to look at everything we have - a very loving and incredible marriage, a nice home, a wonderful baby on the way, the freedom for me to stay home with the baby, etc. I know so many people that have it much worse, and while this may be difficult, I know we'll get through it, and it will all be great in the end, like it always is. I think sometimes, like Rachel said, I just need to go through the normal grieving process, but I usually get over it pretty quick and get back on track. I know I will still have some emotional days between now and when he gets back, but I realize that's okay and normal. I also know that I CAN handle it, and I will be a good mom.

Thanks so much to everyone for the kind words and support. Sometimes that's all I need in times of feel sad and lonely. I definitely appreciate all of your advice and feedback more than my MIL. I love her very much, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. When I spoke to her yesterday, some of her comments were about how her father didn't get to see her until she was five months old (okay, we're talking about us now, not you 57 years ago...) or how her ex-husband, who she now hates, ONCE had to go on a deployment and not during a pregnancy or baby (my DH has been gone close to 1.5 years total in our less than 3.5 years of marriage) and just stuff like that. I've learned one thing. When someone is feeling sad, you just need to support them and listen, and tell them that you're there for them, and usually they will start feeling better. Not try to make them realize that their not justified in their feelings.

Anyway, thanks for being such a wonderful support system. I know DH feels MUCH more comfortable leaving me in all your very capable and understanding hands :)

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[gour0]

I don't think I could do as well.
I had an idea for what might be helpful for you. Do you know anyone with a video camera who could record DH for you and baby? Maybe one could be rented or borrowed for the week. I think it would be very nice for you to have something extra of him like that and would be good for baby, too. I'm not trying to add to your to-do list, but maybe DH could arrange this. We're all here for you. Don't hesitate to ask us for anything.

[etwahl]

Luckily we just bought a video camera and one of our good friends is going record the birth for us. I think that's definitely important. I also plan to have a web site together and add pictures and stuff all the time so he can constantly see what's happening with the baby.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[blnony]

Tammy-
You might also want to start keeping a journal. When your DH gets home he might enjoy reading how the rest of your pregnancy went and how things are after the birth. I think it might also be kind of theraputic for you to put down your feelings in writing. Also, you can document all the moments he may miss.
Hang in there. I know it must be very difficult right now. Just remember that we are all praying for you and we are here to listen to you anytime you need us.

[etwahl]

Oh, that is a GREAT idea!!! The first deployment, DH kept a daily journal, and I really enjoyed reading it. This time, since so much will be happening, I think that's great. Thanks for the idea!

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[mamahill]

Journal-keeping will be SO important. Finding the time to write, especially right after the baby is born, is sometimes difficult. DH bought a small tape-recorder (dictaphone?) and made me recount the entire birth experience the day we got home from the hospital since he thought I wouldn't feel up to writing/typing for a while. He was right - I didn't get around to writing until she was about 6 weeks old. If you had one of those, you could leave it on your nightstand and when you're getting up at the 2 am feeding, you could lean over, press record and say, "I'm so tired, my elbows are crying for more sleep. But (baby's name) is awake and it's feeding time." Or whatever else you feel like saying. You can always go back later and transcribe later, but that way you can have a "living" piece. You can also record those early newborn cries, coos, etc. Just a thought...

[Rachels]

OMG, what a brilliant idea! Wish I had done that!

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[alandenisefields]

Tammy,

Thanks for using our message boards.

Stop right there! We know this is going to be a tough time for you but now is not the moment for doubts. Everyone out here knows you'll be a great mom. Doesn't mean you won't have your days, but you'll get through them. And we're to help if you need it.

First, sign up for parenting classes. Knowlege is power, as they say. Get to know everything you can to be prepared. Lean on your pediatrician. HIs/her job is to help you even if you think your questions are stupid or insignificant. Moms are also great moral support in most cases.

Next, when your baby is born, don't worry about anything but taking care of yourself and your baby. Friends and family can clean and take care of YOU for a while. Just keep your focus.

And always keep your eye on the prize. You want to be able to hand your husband a happy healthy baby when he walks in that door for the first time to see his new family!

Best wishes,

alan and denise fields
authors, BABY BARGAINS

[nigele]

Tammy,

I am so sorry for what you are going through and wish I could help. I just know you will be a wonderful mother. I know this will be of no consolation but the first few weeks after my DS was born, I couldn't stand my husband! He tried to help but I felt like he couldn't possibly understand what I was going through. Hormones? Probably.

Please hang in there - in no time at all your DH will be home and he will see what a wonderful job you have done with his new baby!