Another infuriating "mother" story...

[etwahl]

I'm pretty sure this story will get some strong reactions :)

My mom and step-dad live in Canada, but recently bought a "winter" home on the Nevada border, five hours from our home in California. They were planning to go back to Canada beginning of March. My mom is retired and step-dad semi-retired (works when he wants to). The March 1 date isn't really all that important, just a date they decided on some time ago (before we knew DH was leaving).

Well DH asked them if they could come for a week to stay with me after the baby was born. My stepdad seemed all gung ho, but today when I spoke to my mother, she told me I'd have to have the baby early or they'd already be back in Canada (my due date is Mar 8!!!) They REALLY don't have a specific reason to be back in Canada that early, but whatever. I started telling her that I was a little worried because every mother I've ever talked to (in person or on these boards) found it hard enough those first few weeks when they had DH around AND other family members (like mom, MIL, etc.) Her response: "Babies sleep all the time when they're a newborn. And most women who are lazy use that as an excuse to be catered to." Basically she was telling me I would be fine and could handle everything on my own.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?????? If I could have reached through the phone, I would have slapped her.

Don't get me wrong. I love my mother, but sometimes she just doesn't get it. Once she said that, I decided I didn't want her around anyway, especially since unless I had the baby early, it seemed I'd really be cramping her schedule. Jeez! So now I know why I've adapted to doing everything myself and having such a difficult time asking for help. But that comment just floored me. Makes me very grateful I have friends nearby.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[COElizabeth]

Yikes! That's unbelievable. Just completely unbelievable. I'm sputtering mad but will try to contain myself since it is your mother! I could MAYBE see an old-fashioned father who didn't do much baby care and never gave birth saying something like that because he was just plain ignorant, but you would think a mother would know better. She must remember you as being a very angelic baby, if that makes you feel better! Maybe she was trying (in a misguided way!) to inspire you with confidence? In any case, I agree, you are better off with your friends helping out. The friend you have lined up sounds perfect!

Elizabeth
Mom to James

9-20-02

[etwahl]

AND she had three kids. I should have asked her if she had some sort of magic spell to make babies into perfect little robots. Yikes. I think age has something to do with it (she's 64 although I certainly don't excuse her attitude one bit!) At Christmas, she couldn't for the life of her figure out why we need BOTH the Baby Bjorn and the adjustable fleece pouch. Who knows what she'll say when she comes next time and finds (gasp) TWO strollers and all the other baby gear.

MIL also has some interesting theories about babies. She said they should be sleeping through the night by six weeks, and that the baby needs to adapt to OUR/MY schedule, not the other way around.

Simply amazing...

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[kathsmom]

Tammy,

Gee whiz - if you can't count on your mom for support, who can you count on? I cannot believe that she said that to you!! I am not a happy camper with her right now, especially since she knows that your DH will not be there!! Please forgive all the exclamation points, but I am just astounded.

You can tell your MIL that my 3 1/2 month old doesn't sleep through the night yet. He is getting better, because we have been adding some rice cereal to his bottle at night (per the ped's suggestion at his 2 month checkup - we just started doing it this week). I agree that the baby does need to match your schedule and not the other way around, however, in those first few weeks/months, everyone is getting used to the new baby and he/she is getting used to life outside the womb.

I wish I could be there to help you, but you can e-mail me anytime and I'll be here for you.

Good luck with everything and tell your DH that I appreciate all that he and his fellow servicemen and servicewomen are doing for our country. My parents were both in the Air Force, but during peace times, and my mom got kicked out when she got pregnant with me (she had to fly back to the U.S. to have me, because I was conceived in Turkey!!), so I don't know what you are going through, but just know that we appreciate him.

Toni - mom to Katherine (5/19/96) and Andrew (9/23/02)

[gour0]

That would make you sleep!

[mamahill]

Honestly, I think it's amazing you turned out as well as you did. No wonder you have these doubts about motherhood (your other post). With a mother like that... But she is your mother, so I'll lay off. I have just never met a grandmother-to-be who wouldn't do anything to be around her grandbaby more. But if that's the way she is, then perhaps she's saving you added stress by not being around. Sheesh!

Ainsleigh slept through the night at 6 weeks, but I don't know why. She's been waking up at least once a night for the past couple months now. And I'm personally offended at her "lazy" claim. Did she REALLY birth the three of you? I know there are the "I squatted in the field, had the baby, and went back to plowing the field" stories, but seriously, your body goes through the ringer. Some people bounce back in a week (the women who have babies 10 months apart - hello!), but I suspect they have super powers. Something I am vastly lacking...

[Rachels]

Tammy!!! I'm speechless. That's horrible. Lazy?! Um...no. Newborns do sleep a lot, but not for eight-hour stretches, and your body is tired from the major physical efforts of pregnancy and birth, and your emotions are in a state of upheaval, and everything you're doing with your time is brand new... Who WOULDN'T need support?! Yikes. Good for you for setting up a network of loving friends who can actually help you. What an appalling thing for your mom to say! }> }>

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[etwahl]

I just spoke with my friend who is throwing the shower for us. She called my mom to invite her to the shower, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to come. She said my mom couldn't stop talking about how strong of a person I was, how much I've been through, and how much I've had to deal with. She was just basically raving about what a wonderful person I was and that I would get through all of this, because I've gotten through so much in my life.

Bottom line is, my friend said she thinks my mom said what she said (even though it didn't come out right) because she WAS trying to give me strength and let me know that I could do it.

I feel terrible saying anything bad about my mom, because she really is a wonderful person. I also think my hormones are making me be extra sensitive, so maybe I took what she said the wrong way. But she honestly has always been very supportive and proud of me, and I think she just didn't know exactly what to say to give me comfort.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[jojo2324]

I just wish your mom had found a more sensitive way to "give you strength." And if there ever was a time that you needed support, why choose now as the time to try to make you truly realize you can do it on your own? Especially since she seems to have the time to give you? And maybe hormones are making you extra sensitive, but I'm sure you didn't hear the sleeping through the night part incorrectly...And just an FYI...My baby still wakes up at least twice, if not three times, throughout the night. Best of luck to you!

[mama2be]

When i first read your post it sounded like my mom...I designed my wedding dress and my own mom never ever even asked what it looked like...yet if she has an event she has to describe her lipstick to me.

I was thrilled to read your recnet post thinking it might be her way to say' "you can do it"...I so so so hope that is the case. Since you do have a good relationship and she has always been proud of you like you say I hope that she will change her mind. Now if you didn't feel that way I'd think you were better off without her there...but sounds like you do want her...Tammy you might just have to come right out and tell her you need her...there is no way she could leave if you did that...if you truely want her there and it sounds like you do.

I so hope she stays...please tell her you need her!!!!

[etwahl]

My mom is weird that way. Sometimes she has a hard time telling me directly how proud she is of me or what a great person she thinks I am, but she tells everyone else in the world - my brothers, my friends, her friends, etc.

I probably will talk to her again and see if she can't just stay behind for a while. If not, I really will have a lot of help around here with friends, so I'm not too worried. She did tell me if they had to go back to Canada before the baby was born that they would definitely come back in early April.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[COElizabeth]

I'm so glad your friend told you how wonderful your mom really thinks you are. I still think her comments to you were horrible, but it sounds like she really may have been trying to encourage you that it wouldn't be that hard and that she knew you could do it. Maybe she is so used to you being independent that it is just hard for her to recognize how much you need extra support right now. I don't know. But in any case, I think that her offer to come in April might actually work out better for you if you are comfortable having your friend help around the birth time. After about a month, the stream of visitors bearing casseroles dries up, your adrenaline rush from having a baby is gone, the no-sleep thing is getting harder to take, and that's when you may really need Mom!

Elizabeth
Mom to James
9-20-02

[sweetbasil]

Tammy,
I'm so sorry that happened- nothing like another reason to get emotional in the last few months of pregnancy! :( It sounds like you're handling it nicely, though, and it was thoughtful of your friend to help find the bright side of your mom's intentions. That's hard- my mom will rave about me to others, but I think she's afraid I'll get a big head if I hear it from her too often. I just try to avoid that with my DS now, you know? Maybe it's a generational thing or something....

Does your mom have any other grands, or will this be her first?

[etwahl]

She has 3 grandchildren and 3 step-grandchildren.

I do think she had the best intentions (even though it's VERY hard to believe from what she said), and I don't think she really "meant" what she said. Honestly, I think she must not even KNOW what she said, because she is normally a very sweet and supportive person. I'm definitely over it now, especially after talking to my friend, but was just very upset initially.

Tammy,
Mom-to-be Mar 8, 2003!

[Rachels]

Tammy, you're so amazing. You're really handling everything that's happening beautifully. Don't worry about what we think of your mom-- it's our job as your friends to come fiercely to your defense if anybody hurts your feelings, and it's equally our job to smile and be nice once you're feeling better. My main concern is that you don't internalize what she actually said, regarless of what she MEANT. You will find yourself needing support, and you'll probably have some sleepless nights, and I just want to be sure you know that's not about laziness or abnormality.

-Rachel
Mom to Abigail Rose
5/18/02

[Magda]

Hah! let me introduce your MIL to DS who at 6 mo. eats 2-3 times every night.

elaine

[spu]

Hi Tammy,

I agree with all the other posts about perhaps it's your mom's way of giving you strength and optimism. The most important thing for you right now is to enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and focus all your energies on you and your baby. The last few months are so important to the baby's growth and all this stress can surely affect your feelings toward the delivery.

Since all this happened, have you spoken to your mom? I remember a few times that I've told various members of my family specific things that I either DID or DID NOT want to hear (as in their opinions...) and it really made a difference because in their desire to encourage me, they know what I would rather hear. Sometimes they forget what it's like if it's been 30+ years since they had kids and things have changed so much!

We had twins and my DH took 2 weeks off for paternity (1 week spent in hospital with me, 1 week at home with the babies). The first week, my parents were around. By week 2, I was flying solo. Parents were on vacation, and DH was on a biz. trip. The funny thing was it gave me a chance to see how I wanted to do things with no one else around. It was actually kind of nice. Granted, I didn't sleep, but when the babies were sleeping, I had no one else to entertain or even talk to, so I could relax, or just look at the babies by myself. I wouldn't worry too much about having help in the beginning. You'll get whatever strength you need from your little babe whenever you look into those little eyes!

p.s. -- my babies started sleeping through the night at 7 and 10 weeks, and at 4 mos, I started feeding them in the middle of the night so I wouldnt have to pump. Now, at 5.5 mos, one baby gets up 2x in the middle of the night to feed. No solids yet -- we're starting 6 mos.

Good luck to you and keep us posted!

p.p.s. -- remember you have all of us for support too!

susan

twin girls 7.20.02
charlotte & else

[mamahill]

I just wanted to say that I don't think your mother is horrible any more. I can see both sides. My grandma is the kind of person who compliments you to everyone else, but then only tells you how good your cousin is at playing the piano, tennis, etc. I just remember how easy it was to take things the wrong way when you're pregnant (love those hormones). Anywho, I just wanted you to know that I think you are amazing and incredibly strong to be doing so well at this time. You are going to be a fantastic mother and the two of you will bond so well. I am sure your DH is sad at the time he will miss, but oh what a joyous reunion it will be in a few months. And all because the two of you are such good parents with a wonderful marriage and a home of love. Cheers!